Goodnight Jack by Patrick O'Treat - Short, Comedy - Goodnight Jack or the inconvenience of being on the run on Halloween time. <12 pages - pdf, format 8)

I suspect English isn't this author's first language. Still, it is, for the most part, well written. It lacks humor, though. And, unfortunately, is predictible.

Still, I enjoyed it.

Seth

I agree with Seth, this one was predictable. I think a guy having a jack o' lantern for a head is not imaginative enough for an ending, you can see it coming from a mile away (particularly because before this, there has yet to be even a mention of a pumpkin). Another entry used this as a beginning and went from there, which made for a much more interesting and original story. In this one there wasn't much going on, the 'you'll look like my son' part of the story was really underdeveloped. And yeah, no laughs here.

Despite some errors, it is well written and creative a nice dark atmosphere. With the opening roof top chase, it had the feel of a dark comic book to me, I thought that was interesting -- you hinted at possibilities for a better story but didn't run with them and it seems like you pretty much abandoned the comedy. Still, well done on the grim atmosphere, I liked that :).

Haha I think that this is the third script I've read that has to do with someone whose head has been replaced by jack-o-lantern, which, unfortunately, dare I say, means I have to agree with the previous posters that the ending was predictable.

But this started out interesting. We don't know why Jack is on the run, right? It leaves the audience guessing. Escaped convict, most likely?

I didn't really see any comedy whatsoever. It was more of a action script, and at first I thought it was going to be a good guy/bad guy deal between Jack and Doc. Ian said that the beginning had a feel of a dark comic book and I can see that. Something sort of like Sin City or something.

Anyways, your descriptions were good and so was your dialogue. Nice job.

Sean

This was a pretty odd script.  I guess it was enjoyable, but I'm aq big fan of Bogart's "Dark Passage" anyway.  Unfortunately, Dark Passage is a film noir and not a comedy, which is my major beef with this script.  There's no humor.  I couldn't even find anything that looked like it was an attempt at humor, except for maybe the payoff, but again.  I've seen Dark Passage, and even Batman, which had a similar process.

Good story, but definitely not in line with the challenge due to the lack of humor and real stretch to call the surgery pumpkin carving.

Where's the comedy dude? It was a decent story, the beginning got me interested, but ...

I guess What i really want to ask is why you thought this met the challenge's objective? Not comedy.

Now if i were to look at it as if it wasn't meant for the challenge, then i think it's a good script. Not great, but not bad either. It was predictable, and sort of lacking some energy.

bryan.

I can see how you would think this is a comedy yet somehow, I think the only person laughing at the end of the script is Dr. Marcel. Other than his little surgical prank, there's basically no humor here. As far as the genre and ending go, I really can't expand on what's already been said but what has been said is true.

Overall, well-written but overly simple and flat out not comedy.

Liked the action sequence at the beginning, running on the rooftops, climbing down the crane wires as the clown make-up is dripping off in the rain. That was cool.

Great descriptions of the nasty operating room, cleaning the scalpel with spit...ick.

Reminds me of the Jack in the Box commercials on the West Coast...(Jack is a clown headed corporate raider with a beautiful wife -Cricket, and a son who has the same drive thru clown head that his father does).

It's more the development of a Batman/Dick Tracy villain, in which case it was very well done as a comic book type story.

But as a ha-ha comedy, not quite. As a comic book action thriller, right on the money.

This was an interesting piece, but i didn't find any comedy in it at all, the funniest thing I thought was your name "Patrick O'Treat"...hahahahah that is pretty funny.  The story was kinda like the original batman where jack Nicolson is getting worked on by the doctor in some sleazy apartment.  I thought it was well written and in the end it used the theme, but there was really no comedy.  Good attempt though.

The script belongs more to the horror genre than it does to comedy. I know, I know, the writer is sick of hearing it.

It could be turned into a comedy if you’re willing to change the ending.  In the end Jack sees his pumpkin head, rushes out of the building, trips and falls, breaks open the pumpkin that the doctor had merely placed on his head and is busted by the cops.  Cut to the Doctor in the window counting his money.  

Just a suggestion and it offers a twist on what many people are describing as a predictable ending.  A more comedic ending would also offer a nice contrast to the overall gritty description and tone of the piece which, while not comedic, is well done.

This was a well-written script, but as soon as I knew he was getting a new face, I knew how it would end.

I didn't see any comedy in the script either...

Sorry.

Cindy

Not sure where the humour was here.  It was a good story but it wasn't a comedy, maybe the docs actions but only maybe a black comedy.  Not sure its fair to say this is unoriginal because others have written about a pumpkin head, I guess it depends in what order you read them.

I am you had planned to make this sound a little bit humorous, but you didn’t quite pull it off.
The pumpkin head instead of the head is not an original concept and I now have read three similar stories and I have only gone through half the script.
Try to cut back on parenthesis. You could have told a lot more in action; PLENTY MORE MORE PAGES TO DO SO.

A good effort!


My OWC Challenge rating of your script “Carving of a Jack O’ Lantern”:  6/10
Comedy Structure: 3/10
My rating of your script overall: 6/10

This didn't really do it ifor me.  It seems clear to me that it is a good writer, but he (or she) just didn't have a very good idea for this challenge.  The script was predictable, lacked humor, and wasn't that interesting.  Like I said though, it was well written.  Hopefully next time you'll get a better idea.

Much love,
Tyler

Its almost impossible not to sound like a broken record after thirteen posts telling you the same thing. So here goes: your script didn't any noticeable humor. My only other complaint is the lack of actual pumpkin carving. Maybe I'm wrong but the word "pumpkin" didn't even appear until the last page.

So, your use of the theme and genre could have been better. Other than that, this was an enjoyable script. Your descriptions when cumbersome at times but they got the job done. There wasn't that much dialogue but the few lines you did have were effective. (Doctor Marcel came off as a creepy French dude). Overall, this was a great effort.  

A really, really short piece, which could have used the pages not used to build more of a story and add some jokes.  Where did Jack get this doctor from?  There was some nice use of repetition to set up the ending, but between that and the calendar pages, we kind of know where this is going.  The challenge theme kind of gives it away too.  

Like everyone else, this could have used some humor.  I think the intent was dark humor, but it doesn't come out enough, except the end, which seems to be the punchline to the untold joke.

"Goodnight Jack" was extremely well written.  It didn't however fit the rules of the challenge because it wasn't really a comedy and Jack wasn't a lantern.

However, of my assigned reads, I gave you the number one position because at least you had showed true creativity and you weren't using cheap tactics to try and generate some interest.

You gave the plastic surgeon some character and the little things you injected into the script like his spitting on the scalpel brought this one to life.

Congratulations on a job well done.

Sandra

As others have said the ending was fairly predictable, however, I had the advantage of knowing what the theme was. I also thought the ending was a little bit too convenient; most of this story was set in the real world and then you ended it by breaking the rules of the world you had created. That, plus it wasn't really a comedy.

Sorry, but this left me a little flat.  

Hi everyone,

It's not an excuse but I just had two days to write my script and I have to admit that Halloween in France is not a big tradition as it is in the USA. We don't have any local legend about it and it is more a commercial event here (for about 3 or 4 years) than anything else. Anyway, I tried to bring my stone to the building.

Thank you for those who liked it.

Michel 8)

Michel,

I thought you did good here. I know that English is a problem for you so I look past little hiccups with wrong use of words and things like that.

Having read through the previous comments, I guess I'm the only one that found any humor in this. Especially the part with Dr. Marcel.

Dr. "are you a fan of Brigitte Bardot?

Jack "who?"

Dr. "Americans ::)"

I found that to be sooo spot on.

Also spitting on the scalpel and testing it on Sarkozy's picture. ;D
And not knowing about the saving France part.

Everyone's said this was predictable, but I wonder how many would say the same if they did not know this was part of an assignment where the theme was to carve a Jack O Lantern?

I think you did fine with this script. It may not have been LOL funny, but I did chuckle a few times.

Pia