Night of the Living Pumpkin by Huldah - Short, Comedy - Despite losing his big brother the year before, Matt continues the sibling tradition of carving a Jack-O-Lantern. <12 pages - pdf, format 8)

this was fit the theme and genre pretty well, but as a whole it didn't work for me, the scenes with Matt and his mom felt flat.  also in the beginning Matt is shot but it turns out Brandon was the one who was killed.  that scene was funny even though I think the wrong guy got shot.  Anyways this one really didn't work for me but it fit the criteria for the challenge, so on that end it was a success.

This didn't work for me either. It wasn't, imo, funny -- perhaps due to the subject matter.

Minus the supernatural pumpkin stuff, this would probably work better as a drama.

Seth

I'm going to agree with Seth.  The subject matter ruined the comical nature of the script.  It would've worked real well as a dramatic/horror piece.  A rewrite of this would be a good thing to do.  Stretch it out a little more.  Flesh out the story.


Phil

This one was alright, but will probably not emerge as one of the best of this batch.

There was little comedy to be found, and the story felt a bit cobbled together, with holes that left this story feeling incomplete.

The brothers do not interact in a way that makes any sense given their past loving relationship with one another, Matt passes out for no discernable reason, the pumpkin starts killing pets for no discernable reason, by similarly indiscernible methods, and our pumpkin-headed ending makes no sense if you actually stop to think about for more than five seconds.

You do a nice job with foreshadowing in the conversation with Matt’s mother, and the concept itself, with the twist at the end, is not irreparably flawed.  This one probably could have used more time.

OWC Score:  75%  

At first I thought that this one was going to make fun of Night of the Living Dead, with flesh-eating pumpkins hunting down confused humans who are trapped in an old, abandoned farm house...but I was wrong.

The dialogue seems a bit flat like some others have said. I started to notice that Matt started to say "You killed MY dog!" "You killed MY animals!" Since that was Brandon in the pumpkin, don't you think Matt would be saying "You killed OUR dog!" etc?

The ending became predictable to me once we got to Ashley's bedroom scene, probably because this is the forth script I've read that has to do with a pumpkin being on one's head.

I saw the comedy, but I didn't laugh, probably because I just didn't find it funny or it seemed a bit immature. Though I did laugh when Brandon pooped out seeds when he farted...I guess that's the only immature thing I laughed at.

Good work.

Sean

This one seemed like it had a few different tones going on.  The first portion felt like a Lifetime movie about a guy who loses his brother, the second part was something along the lines of an Idle Hands type horror/comedy, and the ending, I don't know.  Maybe Child's Play with Matt ending up inside a foreign body.

On the whole, it looked to be fairly well written, but not as consistently funny as I would have liked.  I did like the "pumpkin seed poop" though.

I'll start of with a nit-pick about the fact that Brandon and Matt aren't properly introduced in proper format manner.

That being said, the final scene was moderatly comical with Matt as a pumpkin headed lover man.

The face of the pumpkin turning into his brother was alright, pooping pumpkin seeds was good, but I kind of got lost when all the pets started to show up slaughtered, at which point the comedy stopped and the horror story took over, as I'd consider this to be a horror/comedy in the tradition of the Chuckie movies.

Keeping in mind the final scene, I think it would have way been funnier if Brandon, instead of killing the pets, was trying to help his brother score with Ashley in trying to convince him to become a pumpkin head, citing the benefits in the making the ladies happy department...

A nice little Halloween story/script here.

You didn't actually carve a pumpkin though...

Not a whole lot of comedy here, but you made me smile.

Cindy

Two things that kind of stood out to me...

The first scene with Matt and his mother, I thought, worked well at first but at the end, she seemed to intentionally guilt trip him into carving the pumpkin. I didn't like this. I think it'd be better if she said nothing and Matt just looked at her face.

Also, if Matt's been avoiding Ashley, I think she'd be considerably less nicey-nice with him and a little more concerned. I think it'd work better if you lost the "avoiding" line and changed the conversation to Matt blowing Ashley off that night or something. Either way, I think you can keep the "downtown" line. It's a good one.

Anyway, this was a decent read. The humor was pretty good although having read Gourdy before this, I was a little disappointed to see another talking pumpkin. You do put it to good use in the end but still. Then again, I'm not sure what you could have done about this. It's a OWC. There's bound to be some similarities between scripts.

Overall, a good effort. I just wish I hadn't read such a similar script earlier or I would've been able to enjoy this more.

This was a bit weird and I failed to see the comedy here too.  The story was ok but left me with too many questions, why did Brandon get shot - just because he scared a kid?  Why did he come back and kill his brotherrs pets, they were supposed to be close brothers?  Also Matt's reaction to his dead dog wasn't believable (if a talking pumpkin is lol).  The ending was the highlight here though but unfortunately it didn't save this for me.

It pays to introduce your characters before dialogue, even if they are dressed in scarecrow outfits.

“The frightened thug punches Brandon in the face, quickly
pulls out a pistol, and shoots Matt twice in the chest.”

Matt gets shot but Brendan ends up dead? I think there is a mix up of names.

You had me engaged until the last page. The ending with Ashley was abrupt and unbelievable.

I realize you wanted to merge the two brothers but honestly? Not this way.

The story is there but I think it needs a more developed ending.

My OWC Challenge rating of your script “Carving of a Jack O’ Lantern”:  3/10
Comedy Structure: 4/10
My rating of your script overall: 6/10

Okay, I have to say the only time I laughed when Brendon was shot.  I hope that wasn't supposed to be serious, because if you look at it, it's hilarious.

Other than that, it was just weird.  Nothing especially corny about it, but we don't know whats going on and why, why does brendon kill the pets, why does the pumpkin tyake matts head...it just doesn't make sense.

I also thought I'd point out that you have the two things that seem to be themes of this contest: 1. pumkin comes to life 2. Pumkin head.

In any case,
Much love,
Tyler.

Didn't work so well for me i have to say. How can you be funny as well having to deal with the subject of a dead brother. I mean it can be done, but yours could've been executed better. The dialogue seemed mixed to me. The brother's never had a distinct way in the way they talked. I dont know, i was annoyed wit some of the things theywere saying.

A highlight, however, I did laugh at the seeds coming out of Brandons behind. Also, your ending was good.

Hey it wasn't a crack up sscript, but was a type of funny to read. I like the two idiots bros. There were some moments I did laugh. I like it inspite it was a masterpiece!

good job!

The begining was a bit slow but once it got going I enjoyed the middle. I wasn't as fond of the end.  I think the main problem is its uneveness.  I did get a couple of laughs out of it though (Yes, the pumpkin seeds).  

I think that this one could be rewritten to be a truly well done script if some things were changed--like the brother pumpkin not killing his dog.

This script shows creativity and potential though.  I really liked the opening of the two scarecrow boys doing their scare.

The joint stuff I didn't care for.  I know it's a select audience with that kind of thing.

Good effort.

Sandra

I started reading this one when it was first posted, but I quit after a few pages. I picked it up today again and finished it.

I don't think it was bad, just not great either. Not much comedy in it for me at least. I don't know what else to say. Mybe I'm just getting tired of reading about teenagers, especially the weed smoking ones.

Sorry I couldn't be more helpful.

Pia

Kind of tough to start a comedy with one of your characters getting shot, but it still could have worked if the mother created guilt was done with more gusto.  I mean, maybe it because I'm Jewish, but those are usually slam dunks.  The first discussion between the two brothers was pretty well done, and it felt like this could be a nice breezy script where, I dunno, stoner hilarity ensues.  

Once the pets get slaughtered violently, we're out of the comedy zone and smack into horror.  This makes the end a teensy incongruous.  Blakkwolfe had a nice thought that could be used by Ashley not already entranced by his downtown abilities, then we could have had sexy, stoner hilarity instead of dead pets, which aren't as funny.

You have a nice clean style that makes this an easy read.  A couple of funny moments (the pumpkin seeds!) got a chuckle from me.  But on the whole, I think the tone is too uneven.  It starts off reading like a heavy-duty drama, then morphs into an inexplicable horror thing (why is Brandon killing the pets?) with some comedic moments.  It's not a bad idea, at all, I just think that you need to pick a tone and stick with it.

Still, good work getting a script completed in a week -- it ain't easy, that's for sure!