Enough is Enough! by Elisabeth Dubois - Short, Comedy - Three young children from a poor single parent country family, are heart broken when their mother uses the only pumpkin they have to make a meekly meal; they decide to steal one as not to miss out on Halloween. < 12 pages - pdf, format 8)

That was kind of cute.  It wasn't particularly funny, but I liked how you used a nursery rhyme to create your story.  It was clever.  And you even did some research.  It got more and more compelling as I read on.  

I thought the fact that the script was written quickly was apparent.  You had quite a few typos and it could really use some editing especially in the begining.  I thought you didn't really cover your logline in the story either.

Oh, and it did end rather abruptly. I would try to add a bit to the end.

But I did enjoy it - polish it up because you definitely have something here.

BTW - I think I know who wrote this.    

It’s the missing in action Enough is Enough!  When it was posted last week that the author had been eaten by the spam filter I said to myself that I was going to read that script if the writer was reunited with his/her script.  So, hi.

Overall, I enjoyed the script.  It offered a fun little story and was a nice modern take on a fable.  Everything is in place but it suffers with that sudden stop ending.  The abrupt stop is probably the result of the 12 page limitation of the challenge rather than the writer’s choice.

I think a few changes would help the writer wrap the story in twelve.  The biggest thing is that the action needs to be tightened.  It takes characters a long time to do simple actions.  A lot of it is kind of passive and doesn’t have any momentum from line to line.  “Mary-Louise, unseen, is taken aback in a start and quickly rests her body flat against the large pumpkin shell.”  My suggestion would to ditch a lot of your adverbs and punch up the verbs.

Another suggestion -- slightly heartless -- would be to lose one of the kids.  The boys are indistinguishable as written and it would buy you page count to have it be a two child household.  

There are some typos that can be caught in another read.  I would say that the opening is confusing with the transition from Scene 1 to 2.  You show the exterior of one place and then cut to the interior of the other which is disorienting.  It’s never good to lose people right at the start.

But, overall, I had a good time reading the script and wish you luck if you decide on a rewrite.

This was a cute script/story along the lines of the nursery rhyme, but slightly different.

I have a couple of gripes with it though...

You give these kids some zany names, then their names are only spoken once in dialogue...
I think you had given them the names to add a little comedy for the reader, but they got a little annoying after a while, and I forgot who was who. No one was unique to their unusual unisex name...

The story stopped abruptly without an ending, too. Must have used up all of the pages for the challenge and had to stop without an ending...

I thought Peter was going to eat the pumpkin at the end...

It was a nice start on a script though. There are places where it could be trimmed. If you do a rewrite, I'd like to read it and find out the ending.

Cindy

This was a pretty c0ol story, more of a kids story but it was really amusing.  I think the theme was used well and it had a few chuckles in there as well.  I think it needed a more clear ending, I was like huh?  The three kids were cute and I liked the names, Pattypan, crookneck and Squash...hahaha.  anyways this was pretty decent, I just think it needed a more clear ending, other than that nice work.

I liked this one.

Something I would have liked to read as a kid.

I agree that you might want to take one of the kids away and make the other two more memorable instead. Not Pattypan however. She was cute and I liked her. :-)

I don't know what else to say about it. I really liked it and whenever I like a script, my comments tend to be short. Can't think of anything to complain about or suggest to make it better.

Great job!

I thought this one was quite suspenseful. I liked the deal the kids made with Peter and I was interested in finding out what chores he had in store for them. I was also intrigued with Butternut and I thought the explanation for her relationship with Peter was pretty good.

As others have said, it could probably be tightened up a bit and the ending needs to be fleshed out. I was actually looking forward to seeing the demise of Butternut and I wanted to know more about the deal Jack made with the Devil, so I guess you succeeded in drawing me into the story.

I liked the kid’s names too; I thought they added a lot of colour.

However, I don't think I'd call this a comedy, to me this was more like a kid’s adventure.  

You have a foundation for a good story here; I’m sure you’ll do a rewrite and take it to the next level.

This was a nice story. I liked the concept of it. Oh God I could hear Butternut's voice ringing in my ears as I imagined her shrill voice barking away towards Peter.

The ending was bad though. I didn't enjoy it. It looks like you had more to it, but for the fact that the exercise had to be 12 pages or less, it looks as though you cut off the next pages after page 12. So maybe, if you do have anymore pages, you could resubmit this as a different script so people can find out how the ending REALLY is.

Good job.

Sean

Where's the last page?  That's what I was thinking when I finished.  This is a nice story, not to much comedy, a few fart gags I guess.  The characters have weird names, I wonder how you came up with them?  Overall this was very good but like I said it felt unfinished.  The page limit could have been your problem here but you could have trimmed a little to come up with a more conclusive ending.  The ending isn't a total loss but could be better.  One thing that troubled me though was that if Butternut was all powerful and cast spells, how did she get trapped in the giant pumpkin and lose her powers?  Good work here.

Hey,

I thought this was a really neat, imaginative, and cute little script, however the only thing that got a laugh out of me was they’re poverty.

I realize that I’m probably not in your intended audience but still, I’m usually pretty good at noticing jokes even if I don’t think that they are funny, but in this they seemed pretty few and far between. So, as a comedy I don’t think this works.

That said, I thought this was a pretty good story, its pretty cute, with great visuals (I think the field of jack-o-lanterns is a really great image), and easily identifiable archetypal characters that will really appeal to kids. My only real complaint story wise was that it felt like it didn’t come to an end and something was missing. I presume that that was only because you ran out of room and you’ll fix that latter.

Overall, good use of the theme, I think this fails as a comedy, really good story. Good job.

sheepwalker  

This reminded me of Beatrix Potter's work.  The fairy tale quality, three children with odd names, and stealing from a field.  Potter's work at very subtle funny as well ("your father went into Mr. McGruder's field and had an accident.  he was baked into a pie.").  Of course, there the unsubtle funny of a gas joke in the middle.

By and large, there's not much here that's comedy, but the story's well told.  I found I wanted to know more about Jack and Peter and the kids, not because I felt it was missing but because I wanted to know.

I wouldn'tmind seeing this re-written as a longer piece, especially with so abrupt an ending.

Very nice!

This is a good story -- not a funny story, but a good one. That said, I enjoyed reading it. The end, though, wasn't at all satisfying. It was too abrupt and the idea of Marie-Louise and Peter falling for one another wasn't, imo, developed enough to close the story with.

All in all, though, very good...very creative. I, too, would like to see a rewrite.

Seth

Very good!

You write like a painter, splashing the page with big, bold and colorful strokes; always playfull and crafted with great imagination and child-like enthusiasm.

I like how the children interacted with each other, seemed very natural. Pattypan talks and acts like a 7 year old little girl would. Butternut is delightfully vile, like a Disney villain...

I wish you had broken the rules though and finished it up, as it ended a bit too soon.

Great job of establishing the setting.  The pumpkins carving themselves out was a nice visual.  Butternut was sort of a hoot -- she needed food, and she needed it fast.
  
I would try to be aware of repetitive actions.  For example, the following bit of dialogue does not require a wryly.

PETER
(very loud)
Now go!

I was a little confused by the use of magic in the script.  If Butternut is capable of casting spells, then I'm not sure why she would have to yell for Peter to materialize.  On the other hand, if it's Peter that's doing the conjuring, that's problematic as well because I think he might be able to challenge Butternut to break the love spell - or at least get away from her.

The dialogue on the last page appears a bit on the nose.  I would try to think of actions that would convey the feelings of the children - Pattypan, for example, who asks if Peter will be their new father.

Lastly, I think you lost an opportunity for drama by not showing Peter summoning the devil with the fragments from hell.  Instead of having him explain to Mary-Louise what's about to happen - which, incidentally, the audience already knows because of Peter's conversation with Jack - I would cut right to the quick and show it.  Butternut vs. the devil himself -- now that's comedy.

Nice job!

Tony

I loved this one.  It was perfectly crafted.  It wasn't bent towards comedy, but no flaws in the concept or the characters of Peter and Butternut.

Only one error that I could see.  Pg 9 >[hollows] *hollers

Super job!

Sandra

Thank you all for the read.

Glad most of you enjoyed it.

Now I will get to end this a little differently and add a few more pages.

I received good working reviews and I appreciate that feedback enormously. These will be considered in the re-write.
Thanks again.