Everywhere You Look! - Print Topic

I'm not sure what the genre of this one was.

J/k

It was quite strange. I'm sure it was a satire or a send up of something just not sure what. I could see the attempts at humour in this but I didn't really find it funny (though I got one chuckle but I think that was a nervous chuckle). Maybe you were going for a sort of zany psychotic sitcom feel but I found it confusing. The laugh tracks happened at odd time, but maybe that is what you intended. Possibly there were too many characters.

Anyway, I can't say that I enjoyed it but it was different - kudos for that. Good luck with the contest.

Some of these entries seem to be going for an absurdist angle -- I hope that's what it is, anyway -- and I guess I am missing the joke with these.

I enjoyed the "Elvis-like" bit -- and the "Great Pumpkin Pileup" -- and thought we would be following the exploits of fugitive Jesse.  But then this devolved into something else altogether.

Mcornetto is correct that you have too many characters for a short.

I quickly lost track of who was who -- but about halfway through -- I started to wonder if it even mattered.  Between the odd references to spilled milk and laugh tracks, it seems the dialogue is intentionally nonsensical, and it just did not work for me.

I would scrap the last two-thirds of this -- sorry, I would -- and expand upon Jesse's adventures, probably with fewer characters.

Decent marks for the first few pages -- Jesse started off as a compelling character -- but the remaining pages bring this down.

OWC Score:  55%

Wow!
Great story I’m sure but definitely not my type.
I didn’t relate to the OWC challenge. Carving people is not my idea of a comedy about carving a Jack O’Lantern.
I am sure this story will appeal to some – but not me.
Well written and good format though,

My OWC Challenge rating of your script “Carving of a Jack O’ Lantern”: 3/10
Comedy Structure: 2/10
My rating of your script overall: 4/10

It looks like the others don't seem to remember the television show "Full House". ;D

I didn't at first, then it hit me... but I couldn't remember the name of the darned show and had to do a google search BUT then I found it!

Muwa Ha Ha Ha!!!

I got a real kick out of this script Mister, and I think I'm sure who you are. ;D

I liked the ending and how the body count kept rising. LOL Quite different from their regular shows on T.V. Maybe needs a title more suiting for it though. Something along the lines of a dark full house or something like that. I dunno.

Very good though. Another favorite of mine.

Cindy

Apparently Cindy and I are the only ones that have seen "Full House".

A lot of the humor isn't going to work if you hadn't.

That said, I felt like I was promised a bloodbath and it wasn't delivered and now I'm angry. I remember when I was watching the show I always hoped Gibbler would die and now I finally had my chance, but no, not even her...

I guess that would be my main complaint with this, I didn't think you took it far enough. I was hoping Jesse would shoot Michelle as soon as he saw her and then she would be replaced by the other twin, but alas no. Her catch phrases did get me to chuckle almost every time though.

There was some pumpkin stuff but I only think it kind of fit the theme, I chuckled quite a bit, but like I said I felt robed, I could have been roaring with laughter. I wish it would have been a little more like robot chicken, they would have killed gibbler.

sheepwalker

Even with the explanation of Full House I had trouble with this. I've never seen that show...

I have a feeling the jokes were coming in rapid succesion and I missed them all.

I agree that there are too many carachters. I too lost track of who was who.

I wanted to like this I really did, but I think I got lost because there were mostly inside jokes. Too bad, because it was written well. Nice and crisp.

Ohhhh.....I get it now.  I thought that song at the end seemed vaguely familiar.

I never watched the show, but at the same time, you could hardly avoid the damn thing, so I get alot of the jokes now.

Funny how it burrows into your conscience -- like a weevil -- without ever having seen an actual episode...

Revisting this story in the proper context -- as a sitcom spoof -- it's a little better.  A little.

(Amended) OWC Score:  77%

Hm... As someone who did watch Full House regularly, I do get it. I really do. Most of us who watched it wanted Kimmy cut up. If you are unaware of Full House, we have it to thank for Mary Kate and Ashley Olson. They collectively played Michelle when they were babies (to give you an idea of the age of the show).

And in that context, it's very amusing. I did enjoy the laugh track followed by the "What was that?"

However, it's fairly unjudgable beyond that point. As a standalone, it doesn't stand. As a knock-off episode, it doesn't do much beyond bring an occasionaly reminiscence of the show, though the horror element runs a vein of ridiculous beyond ridiculousness through it.

I give it a solid "Meh."

Watching Full house when I was little I really liked this one, having the two girls curse like sailors was great, plus everyone had their tag line like Stephenie's "How rude" and Michelle's "you're in big trouble mister" I was just disappointed that Kimmy didn't get carved, that would have been great, she was so annoying on that show. Anyways I laughed so good work.

As soon as i read the logline i was instantly reminded of Full House. And as i read this one, i chuckled out loud quite a bit.

I laughed when Dj and steph went at it. And when the laugh track first played out.
However as the end came along, everybody became just plain annoying.

But i think you used what full house already established to do the work for you. I would've liked to see an original story, where you made your own charcters from start to finish.

But this was good none the less.

Oh my God, I think this is the first one I actually really, really laughed at (no offense to anybody else).

I just started laughing once Michelle started repeating her "famous lines" and then there is that one dialogue where they're all in the same line, but then get mixed up. And that's when it started getting so crazy that I had no idea what was going on but I was just laughing out loud.

I loved this one. Full House was a great show. The beginning wasn't too well, but then as the ending started to come up, I started laughing even more.

Good job.

Sean

Uh, I didn't really like it.

I have always wanted kimmy cut up, from the show, her and screech from saved by the bell always bugged the hell out of me, but this just didn't work for me at all.

Well, one thing did. I like how you used all of michelles little "catch phrases".

Other than that... not so much.

At first I thought "No, that couldn't be what the writer's going for," but as more characters showed up, the pieces fit. I liked the use of Michelle's catch phrases and bonus points for the use of Dave Coulier's catchline from "Out of Control," which I think followed him to "Full House." I like the idea of using these whitebreads as psychos, but as things went along it got so OTT that it stopped being funny and started degenerating to creepy.

Oddly, I'm betting if I actually saw it, I'd've thought it funnier.

Lets see...Full House...That was in the 80's wasn't it...hmmm...the lost decade...Never watched the show, at least I don't think I did, anyway...

After looking at the other comments it made a bit more sense than the seemingly cruel and random slaughter of an innocent little Kimmy...

A clever idea and well written, though more horror /slasher than comedy.

I really didn't get it, I've never seen FULL HOUSE I'm afraid. I was annoyed because I got the feeling that there were funny things happening but I couldn't see them... :(

I did laugh at Michelle's catchphrases near the end, because I knew that's what they were even though I'd never heard them... I knew the CONCEPT of that joke was funny so I was amused even though I didn't totally get it. I kind of imagined her to be like Cindy from The Brady Bunch to make it work for me lol. I also laughed at

'There should be less blood this time'
'Why?'
'Cuz you're smaller than mom'

Lol. Other than that, not many laughs for me, but I felt there were definitely more to be had for those who were in on the joke. As for pumpkins, they weren't a big feature and they weren't even the thing getting carved. Subject wise, it wasn't too challenge friendly. Genre wise, I trust it was. I have no trouble believing that there was a lot of comedy in this script. I just didn't get most of it. However, from a technical point of view, it was very well written so I can at least give you props for that :)

This one wasn't funny.  I stopped reading at page 3 because the dialogue I found confusing and the characters didn't seem to have any motivation.

Your first scene with the semi spinning its wheel and spitting up pumpkin debris was a good one.  You had me interested there, but this deteriorated and I was trying hard to understand the "TV scene," but then when we just had two names swearing at each other, I couldn't stand it anymore.

Be careful, editors will throw out a good script because they're in a bad mood so try and give your characters motivation before you throw in the heavy language.  It felt like it came out of the blue to me.

When you brought Jesse in on page 1, you forgot to introduce him as in: Jesse, 20s, rock star or something like that.

-pg 3 I think Jesse saying the car is fine!... is supposed to be Danny.

An important thing to learn is that it's not what happens in a scene that causes us to say, "Oh no!"  But it's our empathy for the characters.  We need to know what's at stake.

Maybe with another go, you can generate that in the first couple of pages.

Good luck with your next one.

Sandra

Just ran through this one, and even though I'm familiar with the show I felt that this one was just trying way too hard.

A few bits here and there that I found comical, but on the whole this one just didn't work for me.

A lot of your descriptions read pretty weird as well, like you were missing "and" and "then" in quite a few of them. There's another writer I can think of that does this, but I can't imagine that he wrote this.

I'm definitely curious as to who did though.

I know, given the reviews, that this wasn't, for many, an enjoyable read -- so big thanks for trudging through it (or, as in Sandra's case, attempting to trudge through it). It's appreciate it!

Seth

Just the mention of Kimmy getting cut up made me want to read this script(I think you know why I'm upset). Unfortunately, I grew up on re-runs of the show so I was familiar with all the little catchprrases and whatnot.

Problem was, I didn't even crack a smile reading this.  It all just felt like a bad Robot Chiken sketch(don't get me wrong, I love the show and it's humor, but they do have some pretty bad sketches).

But just to let you know, it has the potential to be awesome.  Lose the laugh track thing and the catchphrases and try and make it sound a little more "real" instead of a bad parody that knows it's  bad parody and stretches too hard for laughs.

I really wanted to like it.  Maybe I just built it up too much for myself.  I'm sure you've written much better so don't let this get you down.

Hoody,

This was a definite miss-fire -- on a number of levels. It's a piece that, normally, I wouldn't write. My objective was to have fun with it, which I did. Ultimately, though, it didn't work.

I appreciate the honest critique,

Seth