A Slice of Pumpkin Life by Bill - Short, Comedy - A Mockumentary following the bizarre contestants of a Halloween Fate Pumpkin Carving Competition. < 12 pages - pdf, format 8)

This was a well written piece that fit the challenge, it used the theme of carving a Jack-o-lantern pretty well.  The cucumber line was by far the funniest along with Tim the emo kid, his attack on the pumpkin was pretty funny as was Ida's "bring it on bitch" line, those were the 3 laugh out loud moments.  So in the end this fit the challenge so good work.

This is my favorite so far.  In a short time we got to know a large amount of characters with just short strokes.  It kept me entertained throughout and was constantly funny from start to finish.

Only comment, -hole is one word.

I enjoyed this one :) It's a well written piece with interesting characters -- quotable characters. My fav line was by Hank, "I like nothing more than spreading happiness to God's people... and warding off folk that he, and myself of course, don't take to kindly to." What follows this line is hilarious!!!

Excellent,

Seth
  

Good piece, with a pretty large number of well developed characters in a short time.  Maude was my favorite, but the tie in with Tim the emo kid was good as well.

Good concept and use of the theme.

I like the mocumentary approach to the OWC theme and you handled it quite well.  I even got a really good laugh from the script and so I can't really give it higher praise than that.  The one thing I found a bit distracting was Rain.  Otherwise, well done - one of the best I read.

Haha this was an interesting way to bring out the OWC thing challenge yeah.

My favorite part was when the camera goes past Wendy and Tim, and then it passes Patty who is eating her pumpkin.

Nothing that really made me laugh out loud, but really I got some smiles and chuckles from it. Ida and Maude's argument was also great.

Nice work.

Sean

I really liked your colorful characters.  ;D
I got quite a few laughs out of this, too.

For this being a one week script, I have to say, "Wow! I am really impressed."

If comedy isn't what you normally write, then I think that it is something that you pursue. You have a lot of talent.

Cindy

This was well written and I appreciate seeing a mockumentary in the OWC.

I think you did a great job describing all the carachters. Wendy is sadly someone that I know, not just one but a few of. One of them even insisted once that I should read one of her romance novels. What a bunch of crap that was. Like "Penthouse" for women, minus the pictures. Anyway, you portrayed her perfectly. ;D

You had a lot of carachters in this short. I personally think you could delete Rain and Patty. To me, they didn't really bring anything to the story.

Great job and take on the OWC.

This had an interesting cast of characters and a few good gags. It reminded me a lot of the film Best in Show, only this was a little more in your face.

Wendy and her kids were my favourites. I thought they were great.

As for Maude and Ida, you could probably tone down the language between them; I felt that it was a little over done. Perhaps you could just cut to their stand off a bit sooner.

I also think you could tighten up the script by getting rid of Rain. I don't think she really needs to be in this story and I felt that somebody making a public spectacle over the rights of pumpkins was a little unbelievable, even in this crazy comedy.    

Maybe Maude and Ida could cause an in brawl at the end when they blame each other for ruining their chance at winning.

Very Good! Rock Solid, Brit-Com style that works perfectly for this kind of short.

Loved the two old ladies going at it with each other.

Not sure what a fate is...assume from context its like a county fair or fete. No biggie, unlike Wendy's innuendo about her vegetable garden...

Lot of characters for a short, but they were all very good and distinctly themselves.

Nice structure in terms of using the documentary flashbacks in moving the story along.

I liked Rain. It seemed inevitable that a veggie rights activist would show up at this sort of event, and would have been conspicuously absent if she hadn't.

Liked the splat at the end. Would love to see this in a claymation style Aardman short.

Great Job!

You did a great job of building empathy for your characters.  Nice descriptions as well - one sentence was all it took.  Incidentally, Maude and Ida need their own cooking show.

Personally, I think you would be better off singling out a protagonist -- or dual protagonists, if you were to go with Maude and Ida.  Have the audience invest in them, and build to a climax that somehow involves them.  Will they win, or won't they?  There's your opportunity for suspense.  While each character was entertaining in their own way, it was difficult to be satisfied at the resolution stage because Tim had the least screen time of all the characters.

Comedy and craft were both there (favorite line: Richard isn't threatened by pumpkins).  I would just take a step back and ask: What are you trying to say with the overall piece?  Once you know that, there's a good chance the protagonist will reveal himself.

Nice job!

Tony

I liked this one.  I especially liked Wendy and her sexual past with cucumbers, very funny.  This reminded me of the movie 'Drop Dead Gorgeous', showing the truth behind over competative people.

Yeah this had a nice feel to it. I liked how you exposed the townspeople, much in the same manner as "Election" or "Storytelling". You've got a rich variety of characters that work, for the most part.

I didn't laugh though as the humor really wasn't my thing.

I thought Maude and Ida's exchange of obscenities was too much. It just felt out of character.

I actually thought I knew who wrote this, but then he replied in the thread. Could be a trick though.

I liked what was happening on page 6 of this--the ideal family being revealed as dysfunctional.

I really had a hard time with this because it shows potential, but it frustrated me.

An example of brilliance like this:

A worryingly clean floral nightmare of space.

And then vagueness and banality like this:

-pg 4>to display emotional expressions

You need to try and show them.

What really troubled me was when I got down to the swearing contest and I just felt like it was such a waste.

-some minor typos like

>yourself innermost self *typo

but I'll take typos over confusion such as this:

When we enter George's living room, we are prompted with On Video Camera, but I'm confused as to whether George is watching himself or what?

One important thing, is: Don't give camera directions.  It's not the writer's job.  It's the director's job.

So how do you show that you want to film John's clenched fist?  Don't write camera zooms in on... Just write John's fist flashes.  John's hand tightens into a fist.  Or... something much better.

Sometimes you might capitalize, but that's debatable too.  You have to be careful that you're not capitalizing every single little sound and everything you think should be a close up.

Hope this helps.  Keep working at it.

Sandra

So be discriminating there.

Quoted from Sandra Elstree. One important thing, is: Don't give camera directions.  It's not the writer's job.  It's the director's job. So how do you show that you want to film John's clenched fist?  Don't write camera zooms in on... Just write John's fist flashes.  John's hand tightens into a fist.  Or... something much better.

Hey Sandra,

In a mockumentary such as this, it's acceptable to give some camera direction when in the "filmmakers" POV since the camera is a character itself.

I haven't read them all, but I'm already pretty sure that this one is the funniest.  I loved it.  All the characters were wild.

I agree.  Seeing as how this is a mockumentary, you pretty much have to have the camera directions in it otherwise it wouldn't make any sense.  And by being able to write the camera shots, you were able to add more funny bits like panning past Patty eating the pumpkin(lol moment).

Wendy was definitely my favorite character.  Dysfunctional at it's finest.

I agree with the people about Maude and Ida's exchange to a certain extent.  I believe it will work out much better when you see it on film because of the rapid swish pans the camera could do to catch it all.

Tim winning at the end made me laugh the hardest for some reason.  I think it was because of the title of his pumpkin.

I declare this script the winner.  Give the man his ten thousand dollar prize already.

...0h, and go film this.  I would love to see how the final product turns out.

Thanks everyone, glad most of you enjoyed it, especially as I wrote it in the last 6 hours before the deadline! I had the idea in my head from when I read the challenge objective and really wanted to enter because I've never done so before, but I didn't actually write it until the Friday night 'cause I'd been busy job hunting. I nearly didn't bother but in the end I decided to just blast it out and all your comments have made it worthwhile, I'm glad I bothered now!

I'll try to refine it based on all your great feedback. Thanks again!

(p.s. References to BEST IN SHOW and DROP DEAD GORGEOUS absolutely made my day, I love both films and they were my inspiration:))