I'm Always the Last to Know by A. B. Steel - Short - Two guys decide to come out to their best friend. 10 pages - pdf, format 8)

This was okay I guess.  Autobiographical at all?

The one thing that I didn't quite get was why Austin seemed to make such a big deal out of coming out to Erin,. and then it turns out that they really don't know each other.  At least that's the impression I got when he said "Patrick's friend".

This was a decent read nonetheless.  Pretty driven by dialogue, which is fine for something like this.

What was with the Coming Out/Steel on every page.  At first I thought it was a camera direction, and believe me I was quite disturbed.

Anyway, good work.

I forgot to note that this was written for a guy in LA who wanted gay comedy scripts. The requirement was 2-3 characters and one location. I wanted to do more with it, and may in a second draft, but it was kinda hard with that one location.

The COMING OUT/STEEL is a header... In case the pages come loose, you know what page goes with what script. I think that's a habit I picked up from my days of trying to write a novel.

It is autobiographical. Except we were in our teens and I switched the guy's names. In real life, I came out to her first.

It's also my first attempt at comedy. Thanks for reading, Mike.

Were you in a rush to get this up?  It's got "Coming Out" written all over it but it seems like you changed the title at the last second.  I actually think "Coming Out" is a better title...it could mean two things in this instance ha-ha.

It was a tidy little piece.  Simple.  Light-hearted.  But at the end I'm thinking, well, could this have been something more?  It was really more situational rather than a complete story.  

P. 7: You got a left-over Aaron in a description.

So, I don't know.  It was an easy read but I felt it was too thin.  Two gay guys coming out to their friend...I would have liked more substance, but that's just me.  You're a good writer, so don't take it the wrong way.  

Just out of curiosity, was this based on your coming out party?  

Like I said, I found this guy who wanted gay comedy scripts to produce for film festivals. I wrote it one night, then typed it and edited it the next morning. Another requirement was it had to be around 7 minutes.

I've never written a comedy before, so I didn't really know where to start. I thought of all my funny stories, and this one was definitely the funniest. At least it was to me. Now that it's up, I sent it to the other two people. They've been wanting to read it.

Thanks for reading, Greg.

Hey ABSteel,
I must say I liked this one. It reads through pretty nicely, but there are a couple of things.

You might want to descirbe the characters a little bit. Allthough it's a short, they all seem very shallow to me. Maybe something obscure to Erin or something like that would be better.
You could maybe add the smell of the room?
I don't like the ending. The last line just doesn't do it for me. Maybe a twist here would be better.

Well, I read the script.  It was alright...You certainly have a funny situation, you just didn't write anything that was even remotely funny.  It was just two people outing themselves to the same person.  It has the potential to be funny, so at least your on the right track.

The last line kinda reminded me of like a 70's variety show skit.  Like I expected to put her hands on her hips when she said that...Someone has to agree with me on this or I'll feel like I'm crazy for saying it.

On page 8 you wrote "Not quiet." when I think you meant to write, "Not quite."

I'm not saying it was a crappy script(It was written very cleanly with short, to-the-point descriptions) it just wasn't funny...and that's what you were aiming for I assume.  Good luck with the second draft!

This has a lot of potential if you decide to expand it in subsequent drafts.

The only thing that niggled me was the ending: "I'm always the last to know" didn't really justify the build up to it. I was left wondering what exactly the point of it all was. Two guys come out to a friend after hiding their relationship for a while... and?

Maybe you could have her walk in on them having sex, then have them trying to deny it or something? Make it more dramatic.

Nah, this was pretty boring. Maybe my straightness got it the way of it...but where's the story? Where's the drama? Where's the comedy? Every story should have a beginning, a middle and an end - this has neither.

The writing was fine but you kinda just show the same scene twice, first Patrick tells Erin and then Austin tells Erin. And...? That's it? That should have moved the story into the second act. Instead you just dropped the ball.

Quoted from ABennettWriter I've never written a comedy before

And you still haven't.

I know I already added my two cents, so here's a suggestion:

Have Erin be a third roomate and she walks in la-dee-da and she opens one of the bedroom doors and there's this guy in a full out gimp suit(the roomate) standing above some unseen guy(the other roomate).  Thinking he's an intruder, she freaks and runs to the kitchen and grabs a knife.  She holds it up and protects herself and the gimp suit guy walks up to her and reveals himself as the other roomate and they out themselves and you can have it be like the big reveal of the horror film, where the main character finds out that the killer was her boyfriend and then you could have little flashbacks where it was so obvious that they were gay the whole time and then she laughs and puts her hands on her hips and says "I'm always the last to know!"

In this kinda situation, I think it would be way better to just have it completley over-the-top.







...OR, and hear me out on this one...You could make Erin a monkey!!!  EH?!  How does that sound?!  I'd watch that.

Hey Abs;

Good to see you back at SS...I can relate to Erin having had friends come out, one was a shocker, the other not so much...

Comedy wise, it's a little dry. She's pretty cool about it and not much happens in terms of conflict with her, outside of the coming out stress as experienced by the boys.

If she were really homophobic and went all ballistic on Patrick, went to Austin to all righteous and gossipy, and then she gets the old dbl whammy. That'd be funny cause she would be totally set up. As it is, she's just sort of there, a sounding board.

Fine job with the dialogue and a well-written short, but could benefit from Erin being a stronger character.

Joe

Sniper: That's a little harsh! Be nice next time.
Hoody: Thanks for the suggestion, but I like Blakk's better. No offense or anything :D

I thought it was okay. Not great. Not bad. I like your writing, and you have some good pacing. I got a little nervous when Erin was right outside the apartment after they just had sex.

Overall, though, there's no real conflict. It would've been interesting if Erin was gay in the first place, and that's why these guys feel comfortable coming out to her. Then after they do all of this, she admits she's straight. I don't know. I'm just thinking randomly here.

You need more of an arc with the story. It just seems to be a series of events that have no consequence or twist.

Keep writing.

Quoted from ABennettWriter Sniper: That's a little harsh! Be nice next time.

Oh, sorry, thought you wanted an honest review. Next time I'll sugarcoat it.

I do want an honest review, but not a brutally honest one.

Quoted from ABennettWriter I do want an honest review, but not a brutally honest one.

Is there another kind?  ;)

This was pretty tame, not horrible and not really blow my mind amazing, but it was good. I imagined a coming out story to be more though, maybe more cathartic. Who knows.

Page 5 i got a good laugh, after erin found out he was gay she asked if austin knew.. Patricks "uhh" got me laughing. then the homophobe thing got me laughing too.

The ending didn't really do anything for me. I mean why should i become attached to these charcters when you're just gonna leave me hanging on her saying "i'm always the last to know".

i think i'd play more on how fuc$ing ditzzy she is. i dont know..

On a side note: Once i told my girlfriend i was bisexual..then we both became dead silent.

Then i continued, saying "when you buy me stuff, i get sexual". She got a good laugh.

Hope this helps any.

I believe that this is the most rushed story I have ever read and I don't understand the point of it.  Erin simply didn't thnk it was a big deal.  It's a bigger deal when I tell my wife I had a slice of pizza (I'm lactose intolerent, but that's a story for another day).

You told the entire story through dialogue, which isn't enough.  Aside for the opening sequence, this script could be a radioplay.

There was no build-up to this story.  You might as well have a script of three people discussing the colors change at a traffic light.


Phil

Hey Austin,

I think your writing here is good, very good in fact, but the story isn't really there.

It started out quite promising with a situation that I think anyone might be able to relate to, but then it went slow and predictable.

Who is Erin?
Just a friend or a relative?
She must be pretty close if she's going to be told this big announcement. If she is close, then I think you wrote her not close enough. She doesn't even know where he lives? Hasn't suspected anything about either one of them previously? Not wondering why they don't date girls? I don't know, maybe that's just me.

Why not have all three of them being roommates. Maybe Erin has the hots for one of the guys. Walks in on him doing something where she could mistake it as him liking her or something like that. Embarrassing situation ensues. Or maybe Erin has a secret of her own. Maybe she knew all along or maybe she really prefers women.

Just some suggestions.

Good luck with it.

Pia

Thanks for reading, Pia. I'll be sure to consider your suggestions if I ever do a rewrite.

I think my main problem was moving three teens into three adults without changing any of the other details.

Hey ABSteel

I thought this was ok but nothing great.  I thought it was a bit obvious, two gay men come out, why now?  Who's Erin, just a friend?  Also it was a bit on the nose.  Austin says to Patrick that he's gonna tell Erin he's gay and patrick says he wishes he could be there, Austin says he cant yet when he does come out Patrick is there hiding?  Why did Austin tidy up, I thought that had something to do with it.  I guess I found the 'opening' a bit graphic, I'm not a homophobe but seeing a bare arse banging a guy is a bit much for me lol.