Not Working Out by Chris Shamburger - Short - A desperate woman's visit to the gym proves to be a real eye opener. 4 pages. - pdf, format 8)

A somewhat funny premise, but it needs work to actually be funny.

After I read this I heard the wa wa wa waah sound in my head. ;) I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not.

It's not a blatant comedy or anything. This was a personal challenge I had for myself to see if I could write a story in three pages. Whether it's funny or not depends on the reader. I don't think it's funny at all, more ironic than anything else. The clueless person in the story is the one you don't expect.

Thanks for reading, Pete.

Wow haha I loved it. I started to expect it just before Ryan came over to visit. And after reading it, everything connected, and that's why the lesbians kept on coming to her.

Though, I really don't see why Ashley would be so offended and bitchy like that just because some guy says that they're tricky and he'd rather use the treadmill. After having her say that stuff to me, I'd slap her.

I liked it. And I could imagine the wa-wa-wa-waah at the end like Pete said, but in a good way.

Good job.

Sean

Not Working Out Notes

Not a bad story at all for just 4 pages. Quick, to the point, but humorous. The story flows very well. The narratives are just enough and the dialogue in spot on. Meaning, they say what they say without any extra fluff. Not much content to the story and I have feeling that there's not supposed to be. The story just is what it is. Your use of transitions and CAPS for names are also spot on so we don't waste figuring our where we are over and over and I don't have to slow down to point out caps mistakes. The descriptives you use in the narratives are also very well put together, the words work and mean what they're supposed to. You spent time in the proof and it shows. I'd like to see what you can do to a feature.

Let me know when you write it.

On a scale of one to ten - 7

Thanks for the comments, Zombie Sean and relentless1.

I'm really glad you have interest in reading one of my features. I'll let you know when it goes online, relentless1. Thanks again.

Funny short.  These are the kind of little skits SNL is in dire need of right now.

I'd love to say more, but seeing as how the script is so short...there's not much to nitpick.

Good job.

For just 3 pages this is pretty good.

The characters come across well almost right from the start. I think Ashley works best, someone disciplined and incredibly focused on what she wants. It gave the eventual reveal a bit more weight and (for me) made it feel less of a sketch than it could've done.

But if I were you I'd consider expanding it just a little, maybe build on the ending to reveal a bit more about the characters and give it less of the wa-wa-wa-waah factor.

Quoted from Zombie Sean I really don't see why Ashley would be so offended and bitchy like that just because some guy says that they're tricky and he'd rather use the treadmill. After having her say that stuff to me, I'd slap her.

Kind of agree with Zombie on that...She's really shallow and rather nasty- glad she got the zinger in the end...How would she have known it was a gay gym, other than the friendly lesbians?

Evidently, it's not a usual gym.

I can see Ashley's point about not knowing, cause we didn't either until Jason told us.

It might have been funnier if we were clued in on the joke, throw in some visual cues, maybe rainbow wall murals or girls comfortably holding hands that foreshadow that this might be the case, which would make Ashley look even more silly during her revelation.

Anyways, it was an O.K. short and I hope this is helpfull to you.

I thought this was funny. I thought maybe it was gonna go a different way but the way you ended it made it all the more funnier.

I like it.  Cute little read.  Seems like it could be a scene in a larger movie.  Good show.

Hey Chris,

This was pretty short but I found it quite funny.  I'm thinking it would work well as part of a sketch show or something.  Anywho you told the story well, no major issues to be had.  Nice stuff.

This worked perfectly.

It was like a joke - setup, then punchline. Saying that, as a script, it needs more substance (but if you don't plan on going anywhere with this, it's okay). The bitchy, superficial woman got what she deserved - or a at least a shock - and that works very well. And her shock is a shock to the audience too.

So for three pages, you crafted this very well.

Ben

This script reminds me of the sort of oral joke someone would tell me to pass the time.  Or a tiny skit in between skits as some one mentioned above.

The one good thing this script has got going for it is three actors, one location and a funny punchline. If the "I wanna post a video on Youtube" crowd knew of this script they would be falling over themselves to get it.

Is it possible to alert this website to the above mentioned crowd?  

Thanks for reading everyone.

If anyone would like me to read a certain script they have written, please let me know.