American Hero by Gregory Walker - Drama - High school sweethearts get married after graduation; he joins the Army then loses his arm in a roadside bomb explosion while on patrol in Iraq, when he returns home she rejects him and then tries to amend the relationship only to be rejected herself but win him back by singing love songs in a local night club. 96 pages - doc, format 8)

American Hero notes.

Page 1.

The opening narrative just does not work. Neither the sentence structure nor the wording. "his shoes are shine", "walks up the school door". Also "walks up the school door with a briefcase in his hand and opens it then enters". Does he enter into the briefcase or the door?

"He stands in front of the high school seniors onstage with a microphone in his hand". So are the seniors on stage? Or the Recruiter?

SERGEANT "If you choose to make it a career, you retire after serving 20 years, you get 30 days of leave or vacation, you don't pay for housing or food, it's all free".  You get 30 days leave or vacation after serving 20 years? I'm glad I didn't stick around that long.

"You get insurance from 25,000 to 100,000 dollars to your spouse or parents if an accident". Without saying too much, this sentence just doesn't work.

"QUIET fills the air as they take their final exams". Makes me feel like I'm supposed to imagine "quiet" literally being pumped into the room.

"Cheating equal automatic failure". An "s" would work on equals.

Page 2
Opening narrative doesn't work. It's a complete awkward run on.

MARK(cont-), doesn't need to be (cont-)

"They come upon a basketball courts". C'mon now.

Page 3
"He throws him the basketball and Marks shots from far out".

You introduce Nancy's mother as Jackie, then title her MOTHER for the script.

What is "hone". ?

There should be no word literally placed between MOTHER'S sentence to indicate a pause, such as the word "pause".


With this many problems this early on you're not giving anyone a reason to find out what your story is about, sorry. And if it's a first draft, then really work on it before you post it. As one of the moderators on here once wrote, "A writer should only be presenting his or her best work".