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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board  /  Short Scripts  /  The Glim Dropper
Posted by: Don, October 28th, 2007, 2:12pm
The Glim Dropper by Mark Lyons (rc1107) - Short - Dread sets in when a woman realizes she has lost her valuable engagement ring. 11 pages - pdf, format 8)
Posted by: bert, October 28th, 2007, 3:48pm; Reply: 1
This one is fairly clever.  I liked it, but do have a couple of comments.

In this script, you have a few passages where you need to script the action a bit better.  You are skipping over stuff that you are not allowed to skip over.

For example, a descriptive passage such as this is far too general:


Quoted Text
Tiffany and Shelly search around the areas they had browsed.  Even a couple of customers help.  After a few minutes of searching, the ring doesn’t turn up.


A few minutes?  That is a whole lot of screen time.  How many areas?  Which areas?  How many customers?  You are taking too many shortcuts here.

Maybe you need a series of shots or something -- but you are just tossing out this line and then expecting the director to know what to do with it, you know?

It is your job to fill in those blanks.

You need to be on the lookout for those.  You have a couple.

Other than that, I enjoyed it, but I also thought maybe it went on for a bit too long.  Personally, I would have ended this at Gerald’s phone call.

The rest of the script is just you filling in blanks that we do not necessarily need filled in.  You have done your job well enough here, and you should trust your readers to understand what has happened.    
Posted by: James Carlette, October 29th, 2007, 11:00am; Reply: 2
I don't know if you're from the UK, but this really put me in mind of the kind of things they do on 'The Real Hustle' over here - though I suppose these type of cons are fairly universal.

It's a good piece. Some more background on the characters would be nice though.
Posted by: Hoody, October 30th, 2007, 2:53pm; Reply: 3
I pretty much agree with everything Bert said.

The twist actually surprised me.  I knew people did that stuff, but I guess you just caught me when I was sleepy.

But, yeah, you don't really need all that ending.  You could probably end it at the payphone ringing...but if you want everyone to understand, you cut quickly cut to the con-couple kissing and then fade to black from there(you don't need to have any of the dialogue that explains it).  The scenes after the twist just kind of take away from the twist, making it less effective.

Chuck the last two scenes and you have yourself a very great short.

Hope this helps.
Posted by: rc1107, November 5th, 2007, 2:16pm; Reply: 4
Thanks everybody, for taking a look at this.

Bert, I do know I tend to skip quickly over some 'stage' directions, but I have been getting into that kind of routine since receiving a few comments from Circle of Confusion, a production company taking a look at one of my full-length screenplays.  They seemed to stress the point that I'm getting too detailed with my directions.  In fact, their exact words were 'Give the director a little bit of credit and let him do his job.'
I don't know about that idea, but as you can see, I have been trying to just tell the story and let the reader assume the simple actions.

James, as much as I'd love to be there than here in the Americas, I'm not from the U.K.  Now that you mentioned it, though, i'm definately going to check out 'The Real Hustle'.  It sounds like something I might be interested in.
And true, this is a universal con.  I got the idea from a very old con in the late 1800's my father had told me about when I was eleven, and I never forgot it.  A man with one eye would exclaim that he lost his 'glass eye' in a saloon and offer a ridiculous reward for it.  A friend of his would 'find' the glass eye later and a mark would pay an amount not even close to the actual reward.
Thanks for the compliment.  I'm glad you liked it.

Hoody, I know the ending was carrying on a bit, but I wanted people to have a finite idea that Tiffany and Caleb did not exist.  And I wanted the reader to know just how much they took their mark for and why they were doing it.  I am still going to trim down the ending a lot, though.

Thanks again,
Mark
Posted by: Mr.Z, December 16th, 2007, 10:55am; Reply: 5
This was a very interesting short. I really enjoyed it. It reminded me of the Argentinean movie “Nine Queens” (check it out if you like con movies).

The twist worked wonderfully. I’ve got no substantial suggestions to make since the story works fine as it is. I do have some minor nitpicks though:

-I think you should tell us Tiffany’s age the moment she is introduced to us. No biggie, but it’ll help the reader to visualize her right from the start.

-Bert is right about some of the descriptions. Sometimes you condense action too much. An example:

“After a few minutes of searching.”

A few minutes search is really a lot of time. This scene could be tedious to watch if the search actually lasted a few minutes. What you need here is a 10 second sequence with a series of quick shots to imply that an extensive search took place. And I’m guessing that this is what’s on your mind. You didn’t mean to have the scene last for a couple of whole minutes didn’t you? The problem is that this description line suggests (literally) the contrary.

“After a few minutes of searching” is not a visual, is an idea. As the writer, you need to select and craft which visuals are going to convey this idea.

It’s not a big deal actually. I think any director could read that line, get what you mean, and come up with the shots required. But I think that your script would read much better if you flesh out the search scene yourself.

You’ve got to make the reader feel like he is watching a movie when reading the script. And because of the lack of concrete visuals, descriptions that condense action so much are a bit disruptive of the flow that the reading experience should have.

-As I said, I loved the twist ending. And as others suggested you could have ended the script a little sooner. Once we know it was all a con, fade out. End with a bang. Your ending is powerful, but it could be even more powerful if you end the story when the reader’s mouth is still open in awe.

This was a very good story and I highly recommend it... despite the absence of dragons...  8)

I hope you get some more reads.
Posted by: alffy, December 17th, 2007, 10:30am; Reply: 6
Hey Mark

This was a good read and even better con.  Really enjoyed this and the few little niggles have been covered by Bert.

Not sure about phones in America but over here in England, public phone booth's numbers are different than home numbers.  If that's the case over there wouldn't Gerald notice this?

Anywho I liked this, good stuff.
Posted by: Curse, December 17th, 2007, 2:07pm; Reply: 7
Hiya.

I just finished reading the screenplay and I thought it had a tricky story (in a good way).

Anyway, I think Abercrombie & Fitch is soooo lame. That's where all the wannabe's shop, but this is besides the point and I shall get on with the review.

I didn't notice any error with the format of your writing, and it was clear to me, but as Bert mentioned to use "search for a few minutes" on a few words is a waste and you should add more detail to that.

For the characters, I thought the way Shelly & Tiffany acted at the beginning to make more drama for the ring was very good, and she made it really seem like she lost the ring, so she is a very good con-woman. What is especially good is that they talk about the ring just when passing the cash register, so that Gerald will hear them.

Gerald is a fool to her plans and when she offers him twenty-eight hundred dollars he is a complete sucker. At the end I felt sort of sorry for his character because hehe will get alot of cash and is excited that he has the chance to get the cash, but it's all a TRICK!!!

Brandon is also very good, he follows the scam very well and also tricks Gerald, and is very smart for making Gerald pay a grand for the ring, even though it's worth not much and it shows what suckers people can be.

Yes, Brandon & Alysia's reaction at the end is very realistic.

This is actually a realistic screenplay and it also shows how dumb people can be and how easy it can be to trick someone, and it is a nice little script, very nice for 11 pages =]

Thanks!
Posted by: rc1107, December 18th, 2007, 5:35am; Reply: 8
Hey Mr. Z,

Thanks for recommending Nine Queens to me.  I still haven't seen it yet, but after a little bit of research, I found out it was remade in 2004 as a movie called 'Criminal' with John C. Reilly, Diego Luna and Maggie Gyllenhall.  I remember seeing it when that first came out and liking it a lot.  I still haven't found the original 'Nueve Reinas', but I'm keeping my eye out for it.

Oopsy-daisies!  I can't believe I forgot to list her age.  I had her and Shelly listed as 2 mid-twenty-somethings in an early draft, but then I think I moved that line up into a description and forgot to replace it again.  Sorry about that.

I'm finding out more and more that I'm condensing action too much.  Even just earlier today, I found myself condensing the hell out of a game of stud for a scene I'm working on.  I see now that it is disruptive to the ebb & flow of the story.  I don't know how I got into this little habit and now that I realize it, it's annoying me.  I promise I will get better, though.  One day at a time.  (Not that two days at a time is an option.)

Alffy,

Thanks for taking a look at this and I'm really glad you enjoyed it.  As for public phone numbers being different from residential phone numbers, at least where I've lived in Youngstown, Ohio and Hollywood, Florida, the numbers have always been the same.  In fact, my home phone is (330) 799- and the number at the pay phone down the street is (330) 799-.  But now you got me curious, so I'll probably be stopping at every pay phone I see from now on to check the number.  Lol.  Thank you for waking up the obsessive compulsive side of me.  :-)

And Curse,

I'm glad that you also liked this story.  And, just for the record, I can't stand Abercrombie and Fitch stores, either.  I think that's why I have Brandon and Alysia rip them off.  I've been with my sister while she's shopped in there before, but I myself have never bought a thing there.  And, honestly, I don't think I ever will.  Even when I'm rich.  Or if I'm rich.  I do all of my clothes-shopping either at Rulli Bros. or The Village.  (they're discount warehouses and second-hand stores.)  Not only are they affordable, (5 t-shirts for $5?  can't beat that.)  but they also have huge selections and a lot of the stuff you can't even find anymore because they don't make them.

Thank you all for taking the time to read this and replying to it.

- Mark
Posted by: EBurke73, December 18th, 2007, 9:23pm; Reply: 9
Clever work here.  This was fun to read, and the back and forth between Gerald and Brandon was well done.

The ending went on a bit too long.  I don't think we needed the backstory of why they were ripping off Abercrombie & Fitch stores, though it makes them sympathetic, and their methodology was fitting with the reason they were doing it, but it causes the script to lose steam.  I think you could have ended it with Gerald's phone call then the two lovers happily walking into a ring store.

Unless this is the start of something more...
Posted by: Blakkwolfe, December 22nd, 2007, 11:18pm; Reply: 10
Hi Mark;

Nice job on this short...Fun with cubic zirconia...Gerald should not have let Brandon sucker him, just offer to split any reward he got...Oh well, can never under estimate the power of greed...Solid dialogue moved the story along without being chatty...

Joe
Posted by: rc1107, December 22nd, 2007, 11:53pm; Reply: 11
Hey EBurke,

Yeah, I was planning on trimming the ending and your suggestion was exactly where I was thinking about ending it, after Gerald's phone call and the con-couple walk into the jewelers.  I'm really glad you enjoyed it and thanks for the comments.

Joe, (Blakkwolfe),

'Fun with Zirconia' was actually the original name of the screenplay, but I changed it because I thought it gave too much away.  :-)  Okay , maybe not, but wouldn't that've been an awesome coincidence?

Thanks for the comment on the dialogue, also.  That's probably the hardest (and my favorite) part of writing, whether it's a short or a feature.  At least for me.  I love going over it again and again and cleaning it up.  It never fails to surprise me how much my dialogue changes from the first draft to the seventh draft.

Anyway, thanks for the read and I'm on the lookout for 'The Wicked Dead'.  Let's see you do with a story that has actual zombies in it.  :-)

- Mark
Posted by: dkw208, January 2nd, 2008, 3:09am; Reply: 12
hey mark,  
this was an easy read.  i will say i saw it coming right away, but that's not necessarily a bad thing (this story has been done countless times, but the fun is in the execution, not the plot).  i just have a few thoughts (i might end up repeating what others have said)  one thing is at times i thought the dialogue was a bit wordy (like she doesn't need to say her phone number since she's writing it down, and the convo outside of king's).  i think someone said something about trimming the end, and i agree.  i think this script could work better if was 8 pages.  i know someone also mentioned 'nine queens', and you saw 'criminal', and those would be good movies to watch.  in particular, it could even perhaps be more rewarding if gerald at first tries to rip off brandon (like saying something like "there's a $500 reward, i have the cash with me right now"), so that way when gerald gets ripped off, we feel he deserved it.  anyways, nice job  
Posted by: mcornetto (Guest), January 15th, 2008, 4:56am; Reply: 13
Hey Mark,

Nice short you've got here. I like scams they make cute little stories.  I enjoyed it but I have a few comments.

First up, you could use a bit of tightening on your actions. Sometimes they are ok but other times...

Tiffany all of a sudden stops abruptly and begins searching around her pockets and purse.

could be more active and effective as

Tiffany stops. She searches her pockets and purse.

Tightening up your actions is part of the learning curve.  Go over every action you have in this script and make it tighter.

Also cut actions you don't need.  There is no reason to tell us something like

Tiffany hands the sunglasses she is buying to Shelly so she can search through her purse with both hands.

It doesn't really tell us anything about either of the characters or further the story.


Next. The Tiffany/Alysia thing.  If you are going to call Tiffany Alysia after a certain point, call her Alysia and tell us in the action that she is Tiffany

Next. The scenes.  Most of your scene run on a bit longer than they need to.  Tell us what we need to know then get out of there.   Screentime is precious, use it wisely.  The biggest offender here is the last scene between Tiffany and Brandon.

Last. If you give thought to the above comments then I belive you can easily cut this script down to 8 pages, less maybe.  And if you do that then you will have a crisp fast moving scam script that I would definitely like to read.

Cheers,

Michael    
Posted by: rc1107, January 15th, 2008, 1:42pm; Reply: 14
Hey Michael,

Thanks for checking this out and sharing your thoughts.

I'm working on a new short right now, rewriting an older one, and also working on a feature, so I'm kind of putting this on the backburner until I have time to actually sit down with it.

I do plan on doing a lot of the trimming that you have mentioned, especially with that last scene with Brandon and Alysia, though.  And I do have a lot of the grammar you had also mentioned to tighten up, also.  That was my goal, to chop it down to about 8 or 9 pages.

I'm glad you enjoyed it, though, and the story has a whole kind of worked.  I kind of can't wait to get back to this one again.

- Mark
Posted by: tomson (Guest), January 15th, 2008, 8:41pm; Reply: 15
I didn't know you wrote this one otherwise I would have read it a while ago.

The following are just suggestions and does not mean I didn't like your script. I was only writing comments down while reading.

Writing DAY or Night is for the production of the film and helps in the pre-prod. Keep all specific times of day to be described in the action paragraphs following the scene headings.

"Business is better than usual, probably because the kids
are out of school for the Summer. "
Just mention it's busy. We have no idea what is usual or that the kids are out for summer. So far we don't even know from watching this that it is summer.

Would be nice to have some sort of description of Shelley too.

(cont'd) is generally not used any more, but if you feel you just have to use it, put it right behind the character's name, not underneath.

I'm disappointed. I thought for sure the line "Goddamn, that's a big rock" was going to come into play somewhere as a joke. Especially since Gerald apparently barely overheard it. ;D

Tiffany carries $2,800 in her purse? no one I know carry that much cash around....

I think most phone numbers in film start with 555.

No need to use CUT TO's

All in all I found this enjoyable and I didn't see the whole scheme until the end. It feels sort of good when greedy, deceptive people have the tables turned on them.

Good job!

Pia
Posted by: rc1107, January 16th, 2008, 9:43am; Reply: 16

Quoted from pia
(cont'd) is generally not used any more, but if you feel you just have to use it, put it right behind the character's name, not underneath.


Really?  I haven't even noticed people haven't been using that lately.  And now I feel kind of like an ass, because I read a script the other day and mentioned to the writer he should use (cont.), because he had mainly dialogue and it started to get really confusing who he had talking.  Looks like I have to go back and recant that suggestion.


Quoted from pia
Tiffany carries $2,800 in her purse? no one I know carry that much cash around....


Lol.  A friend I used to date that was inspiration for Tiffany's character always carried a couple grand on her, just in case she did stop in at any clothes or jewelry store stores.  In fact, during one of our first dates, we were on our way to the beach and she saw a Camaro she liked for sale in somebody's driveway.  We stopped, she bought it, and we took that to the beach.  I used to carry a lot on me, but that was before I got into my little bit of trouble.  Then I found out, the hard way, that for some reason, when you carry large amounts of cash on you, the cops automatically accuse you of being a dealer.


Quoted from pia
No need to use CUT TO's


Gosh darn it!  That just reminded me, I just sent in another script and I think there was one or two 'CUT TO's that I missed taking out.  So forgive me before hand on those.  I think there's some 'CONT.'s on that one, too.  I give you permission to kick me in the groin if we ever cross each other's paths at an awards show.  ;-)

Usually, I don't go for any huge 'Sixth Sense' or 'Planet of the Apes' twists, but I'm glad to see that the end of this one is catching a lot of people off their guard.  (Not that I hate twists, but a lot of times, if somebody tries to put in a huge twist, it just comes off as contrived to me.)  Especially in those teenaged horrors where the writer makes everybody the suspected killer at some point in the story, so the end's not really a twist.  It just seems like he went 'Inny Minny Miney Moe' with the characters and that's how he chose the killer.  ('Urban Legends' or 'Urban Myths', whatever it's called, is a huge violator of that concept.)

Thanks for taking a look at this.  I'm going to check out 'The Big Cheese' from you next.  Wow...  18 pages.  I've never read one of your epic's before.  :-)

- Mark

P.S. - I'm not sure if 'Inny Minny Miney Moe' is spelled right.  I tried doing a spell check and it said it was wrong, but the only suggestion on how to spell it correctly was 'Itsy Bitsy Hillbilly Toe'.
Posted by: n7 (Guest), January 17th, 2008, 2:07am; Reply: 17
Hi R.C,
Solid story, the abercrombie angle could have been pushed further, I unfortunately/fortunately work there and it's much much more ripe for amusement than you've suggested. There are lots of comedic angles you could have played the story from to get a few more laughs.  
Overall a funny story though, still a few extra possibilites for some more laughs from your story setting. Good job!
Posted by: rc1107, January 17th, 2008, 7:38pm; Reply: 18
Hey n7,


Quoted from n7
Overall a funny story though


Hmm.  That comment kind of caught me off-guard, especially since nobody else has mentioned anything about this being funny and I had never really intended for there to be any humor at all, just a straight up idea for a scam.

But now that you mention it, I'm thinking there are a lot of things I can do to make this humorous.  (Right now I'm thinking of having one of the customers dressed in those fake-faded jeans, no shirt at all, but a thick scarf around his neck with a wool beanie on his head.  I've seen that model on your guys' wall a couple times)    I don't think I'd ever make it an all-out comedy, but I guess I could have poked more fun.

Thanks for taking a look at this.  And thanks again for checking out 'The No-No Door'.  :-)

- Mark
Posted by: Abe from LA, January 21st, 2008, 4:12am; Reply: 19
Mark,

Not much to add that hasn’t already been said.  
You might consider rewriting some of the intro scenes as a Montage.
Otherwise write in present tense – and write Active.  

On P. 3, Tiffany responds to Gerald with a “thank you” in two different bits of dialogue. That’s when I smelled a set up.  In her state of mind, she should be too overcome with worry to be polite.
But, maybe it’s intentional, considering where this story is going…  haha.

As for the reward, you might have Gerald doing a quick search for the ring ASAP.  Afterall, it’s worth $2,800. Heck, he’s a manager. If I were him, I’d get a sales associate to cover the register while I go on a treasure hunt.

Maybe Brandon’s too nice a guy, but he could have Gerald throw in a boat-load of clothes as part of the deal.  That would be pretty underhanded.

The setup/payoff at the end is pretty good. It’s a variation of scams I’ve seen before. Still, you pulled it off with panache. I always appreciate a good scam. Ever see George C. Scott’s “The Flim-Flam Man” or David Mamet’s “House of Games”?  Both very good films revolving around scams and hustles.

Finally, while I like the ending, as Bert said, cut it off after Gerald's phone call.

On that note, I'm not so sure Gerald would answer the public phone outside.  He might, but it seems that his focus has got to be on calling Tiffany.  Why should he care who's calling on the pay phone?
Instead of Gerald calling Tiff on the work phone, maybe he can call her with his cell phone.
This way you can use action/visuals for your payoff.
For example, Gerald could be calling Tiffany as he is locking up the store. Then as he is walking past the pay phone, he gets frustrated because Tiff isn't picking up his call. As soon as he ends his call, the pay phone stops ringing.  Maybe he notices the "coincidence" and maybe he doesn't.
Then he hits redial on his cell and the pay phone starts up again.
Can you see this visually?  The realization that maybe...  Naw, couldn't be.  Could it?
The expression on his face would be priceless.
Now he's got to answer the pay phone just to satisfy his own curiosity.

Anyway, I like the story and the snappy setup.  Just fix the beginning and ending (the anti-climactic scenes) and  "Glim" will really sparkle.

Abe
Posted by: rc1107, January 21st, 2008, 11:57pm; Reply: 20
Hey Abe,


Quoted from Abe from LA
Not much to add that hasn’t already been said.


Not much to add?  What's up with your next eight or nine paragraphs of improvements?  :-)  Lol.

Thanks for taking a look at this.  I've read some of your other reviews for other stories and they're always detailed, concise and to the point, with a lot of helpful suggestions, and I've been meaning to check out a story of yours.  'Neck of the Woods' is next on my list.  Do you have any others on here?


Quoted from Abe from La
Maybe Brandon’s too nice a guy, but he could have Gerald throw in a boat-load of clothes as part of the deal.


I toyed around with that idea a little bit, but decided against it because of how Brandon said he hates Abercrombie & Fitches, hence he only rips the sandals off, which is about the only thing I'd ever take out of that store.  But, since I'll be chucking the last couple scenes, we'll never know his true feelings about A&F anyway, so I guess I could go for an all out rip-off.

And I loved 'The Flim-Flam Man', but I've never seen 'House of Games'.  I might have to do a bit of internet searching for that one tonight.

And, like I had said before, I'm chucking the final couple scenes and I do like your advice for Gerald and the little payphone scenario.  I didn't plan on doing any writing tonight, but I'm feeling kind of playful now, so I'll be rewriting that scene.

Anyhow, thanks again for the read and all the helpful advice.

- Mark
Posted by: sniper, February 18th, 2008, 6:12am; Reply: 21
Hey Mark,

Having just finished Cover I knew where this was going right away. You're a real sucker for scams, huh  ;D

I thought the script very solid, a couple of needs to be fixed as other posters have pointed out - I thought esspecially the end where Tiffany turns into Alysia and Brandon into Caleb could have been done a bit smoother.

Anyways, good work on coming up with a good scam - it's not easy (not, that I have tried or anything).


Cheers
Rob
Posted by: rc1107, February 18th, 2008, 3:35pm; Reply: 22
Lol.

Of the five or six scripts I have here on SS, of course you pick the two stories that were written for the same feature.  :-)

I promise I write about other subjects than just simple little cons.  Bert just read two of my extremely brutally violent pieces I posted on here and I had to promise him that I am actually mentally stable.  Why won't anybody read my scripts in the order I want them to, damn it!  :-)

But you are right, I do have a very sensitive spot for con films.  I love 'The Sting', 'Matchstick Men' and 'Criminal' and can watch them over and over.

I have taken 'Glim Dropper' out of the storyboard for the feature I was working on, though, and I'm letting it stand alone by itself as a short film.  I should be getting to the rewrite on this after I finish a couple feature projects on my board right now.  Hopefully, by then, I'll have enough money saved again to try and shoot this myself.

Thanks for checking 'Cover' and 'Glim Dropper' out again and once again, if you come across any other stories I've posted, I promise, you don't have to worry about it being a con.
Posted by: James R, December 11th, 2008, 1:58pm; Reply: 23
Wow, Mark. I'm feeling a little weird here about the similarities on this and Taken for a Ride. We must have been on the same wavelength or something. Pretty eerie. Maybe that would make a good script, two guys write the same story without knowing it. Weird.

Only comment is that some of the dialog seems on-the-nose, but it might have to be that way since the characters are setting Gerald up. I had to deal with it as well in my version of this story.

I'm Ell-oh-ell-ing.

James

Posted by: rc1107, December 11th, 2008, 3:05pm; Reply: 24
That would be kind of a cool idea for a story.  I'd say let's get together and collaborate on it, but what's the point?  We might as well just write it ourselves.  We'd end up with the same thing anyway.  :-)

Yeah, I did notice awhile ago that my dialogue was a little teenager-y, I suppose is the word, but I've recently turned this into a short story and fixed up a lot of the awkward dialogue and action.  Now I have to go back to this script and change it again.

I'm actually working on another popular con script now.  I just finished the storyboard for it last week and now I just have to put it into words.  I'm wondering if you'll come up with the same story sometime.  :-)

- Mark
Posted by: tonkatough, December 12th, 2008, 4:02am; Reply: 25
I really like the simplicity of this script. Ordinary people and their ordinary lives. Your writing captured that perfectly. I would love to be able to able to write stuff like that.

The actual con itself was nothing special but I did like how the characters pulled it off with incredible ease.  
Posted by: rc1107, December 12th, 2008, 9:34am; Reply: 26
Hey, Tonka.

Thanks for taking a gander at this.  And I'm glad you did enjoy the simplicity of the script.  Usually, I tend to write a little... I don't know if melodramatic is the right word... but it's the first word that comes to mind.  So I'm glad this came off as more ordinary life.

The con itself is an old con used in the 1800's, so there's been a lot of variations on it.  I know it was real popular in the 1980's and 90's, but I'm not too sure if many people have been trying it lately.  It's a fairly simple con to pull off.  All you need is to find somebody who's greedy and it takes care of itself from there.

Thanks again for the read and I'll talk to you later.

- Mark
Posted by: Jayden Creighton, December 16th, 2008, 12:19am; Reply: 27
Heya
Very nice short, i really enjoy movies with cons and heists
This one reminded me a little of 'dirty rotten scoundrels'.
Anyways: the story was good, the hook was good and i didn't mind the  characters, which all made the script a good read ...
I disagree with some comments about the trimming of the end, I wanted to know what happened with Gerald, otherwise it would have felt unfinished (you have done this nicely)
Anyways, although the story has been done before you have certainly put your own touch on it.
Muchlove, Jayden
Posted by: rc1107, December 16th, 2008, 10:12am; Reply: 28
Hey Jayden.

Thanks for taking a look at this.

Lol.  'Diry Rotten Scoundrels'.  Wow, what a flashback.  I loved that movie.  (I have a sensitive spot for all Steve Martin movies...  'The Jerk' is in my top ten favorite movies of all time.  (And Sheldon's signature is in my top five quotes of all time.))

And thanks for talking me into keeping the last scene in.  Everybody else seems to dislike it, but I don't see how it can end any differently then Gerald taking the ring back to the same pawn shop Brandon had bought it from.

Thanks again.

- Mark
Posted by: NiK, December 16th, 2008, 11:23am; Reply: 29
Hi Mark,

Loved the script, I remember using this con set up some years ago and I managed to find out the ending. But I still enjoyed it.

I read another script which has some similarities with this one, I guess this con must be extremely overused. Hehe :)

Well done.
Posted by: Colkurtz8, December 16th, 2008, 11:42am; Reply: 30
Mark

From reading both this & "Taken for a Ride" the similarities are uncanny (which I'm sure you are sick of hearing about at this stage)

I see from some of the exchanges between ye on both discussion boards that it is one of those coincidences life throws up more often then it should (regardless of the fact yours is dated a year earlier, I take it if James was to copy your concept which I know he didn't, he wouldn't have been so blatant about it.)

Good piece here. For me, both have good qualities even though Gerald comes across as a bit of an asshole he is by no means the same brand of twat Mike was in "Taken for a Ride" thus making that con even sweeter.

Your writing was top notch:  

BRANDON
Can I still call you Tiffany for
a little while longer, though?
It was turning me on a little
bit. Kind of like a threesome.

Great piece of dialogue here, my favorite in the script.

I think this is a tighter story then "taken for a ride" more believable even tho I do question, given Gerald's character that he would hand over a $1000 bucks like that...

But then again that's the blindness of greed since he believes $2800 is on the way to him for that piece of sh?t ring.

Great writing, good con.

Cheers.

Col.
Posted by: Shelton, December 17th, 2008, 2:23pm; Reply: 31
Hey Mark,

I read James' script, and then this one, since I noticed the thread about the similarities.  You guys are right, and it's obvious that the storylines are the same, but outside of that, they're different enough.

One thing I noticed about yours, is that it goes on a little bit longer after the con is revealed, and for good reason with Brandon and Allison looking to get their own ring, but it could have been trimmed just a little more.  Maybe with an angle where the $120 ring was their original engagement ring, but this was done in order to upgrade.  Maybe it's just me, but something like that adds a little more to the rationale they have.

Anyway, I liked it.
Posted by: jayrex, December 17th, 2008, 4:23pm; Reply: 32
Hi Mark,

Your script is pretty good.  It is similar to the other.  I liked yours more.  It felt like it had more to it.

I haven't read many previous comments so may tread on old ground.

I think it would have been funny if Tiffany handed Gerald a phone number to Tiffany the jewellery store.

The ending was good.  I think if you ended it with dialogue like "twenty bucks".  That might off been funny.

All the best,


Javier
Posted by: rc1107, December 17th, 2008, 5:31pm; Reply: 33
Hey Nik.

Yeah, this is a really old con from the 1800's.  It was originally done with a glass eye.  Somebody would pretend to have it drop out of their eye socket.  Kinda morbid if you really think about it.  Thanks for taking a look.

Col,

Thanks for the comments.  Yeah, as I was reading 'Taken for a Ride' by James R, I was getting that queasy feeling in my tummy.  Pretty weird coincidence.  Thanks for the statement about the top-notch writing, too.

Mike,

Yeah, 'The Glim Dropper' does go on for a little bit longer than necessary and I keep meaning to go back and shave off a couple pages and trim a few scenes.  Now that this seems to be getting more hits, (Woohoo!  Over a thousand views!) I'm inspired now to get back to work on it.  I'm also fairly certain I have James R and 'Taken for a Ride' to thank for the views this one's been getting lately.

Thanks for the read.

Javier,

Thanks for the comments.  I'm glad you liked it.  Lol, that's pretty funny having Tiffany give him the number for Tiffany's.  I never even thought about that.  I just might have to make some changes.

Thanks again to everyone for taking the time to read this.

-  Mark
Posted by: James R, December 19th, 2008, 2:45pm; Reply: 34

Quoted from rc1107
Yeah, this is a really old con from the 1800's.  It was originally done with a glass eye.  Somebody would pretend to have it drop out of their eye socket.

Wow, I saw a description of this con on Wikipedia, but I don't think that's what it said. I wish that is what I would have done for my version now!
Posted by: Electric Dreamer, October 13th, 2011, 12:14pm; Reply: 35

Quoted from James R

Wow, I saw a description of this con on Wikipedia, but I don't think that's what it said. I wish that is what I would have done for my version now!


It's cool that you linked all your scripts.
I hadn't known about this one before.

LOL, what's with putting a Florida phone number in there?
I sense a story within a story. ;D

Brandon should've skimmed the grand, if he was a true grifter. ;)

I'm a grift fan, so I knew the "con" from the title.
It was popularized a couple years back in Zombieland.

However, "Nine Queens" is a great con film, as well as, "House of Games".
And of course, "The Grifters", some of John Cusack's finest work on the screen, IMO.
Posted by: rc1107, October 14th, 2011, 2:12pm; Reply: 36
Holy moly.  This is coming up on its four year anniversary here at SimplyScripts!

Lol.  Yeah, I did catalogue all my stories, (actually, there was one I still have to add that I totally forgot about that got optioned, but haven't heard from the director.)

Fair warning, though, that it's not a greatest hits collection, so there's some pretty rough structuring and formatting problems in them.

Lol.  What a coincidence.  The Florida phone number.  Didn't we just talk about the 954 thing a couple days ago?  :-)  That was actually my real number when I lived down there.

I still haven't seen 'Nine Queens', but the Americanized version is called 'Criminal' starring John C. Reilly, Diego Luna and Maggie Gyllenhall.  It was pretty good.  I enjoyed it.

Thanks for digging this one up, Brett.  I haven't looked at the script in years.  I'm scared to look at it.  I think that was even when I was trying to use some kind of software, too.  I hated it.  I love my Microsoft Works.

:-)  I'll talk to you tonight.

- Mark
Posted by: SAC, May 6th, 2023, 8:47pm; Reply: 37
Mark,

Bumping this oldie but goodie. Very much enjoyed this early work of yours — been so long since I’ve read anything from you. Of course, being an early script there are some minor formatting issues and such, but what I noticed most was that it had me turning pages. There wasn’t a full moment here, and the story and dialogue really kept me engaged throughout. Nice work. Wonder if this ever got picked up. Either way, nice script!

Steve
Posted by: LC, May 7th, 2023, 9:10am; Reply: 38
Hmm, I thought I'd take a look at one of Mark's early scripts but can't open it. :(
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