She Dances by Chris Shamburger - Short - Inspired by the true story of a small town's celebration of life and death after a devastating tornado. 11 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey Chris,

Not bad.  I liked that you chose a serious subject and you handled it well.

I did find a few issues.  The first was some of the dialogue.  I thought the snappy remarks about the dress by Jamie seemed a bit forced.  It didn't come across as real.  If you doing something like this it is important to keep a proper and consistent tone.

Also I think you concentrated a bit too much on the dress.  I would suggest you cut down the dress scene and concentrate more on the relationship between Jamie and Michelle because this is where the power of your story lies.

Quoted from mcornetto Hey Chris, Not bad.  I liked that you chose a serious subject and you handled it well.

Thanks, mcornetto!

I have never been a "dramatic" writer, so this was a real test for me. I grew up in the town of Enterprise, Alabama, and when I lost a few of my friends to a tornado back in March, I knew I would end up writing about it. It was the easiest way for me to deal with my emotions.

Quoted from mcornetto I did find a few issues.  The first was some of the dialogue.  I thought the snappy remarks about the dress by Jamie seemed a bit forced.  It didn't come across as real.  If you doing something like this it is important to keep a proper and consistent tone. Also I think you concentrated a bit too much on the dress.  I would suggest you cut down the dress scene and concentrate more on the relationship between Jamie and Michelle because this is where the power of your story lies.

I absolutely agree. Dialogue has never been one of my strong points, and looking back at this script now, I realize I completely missed the essence of my story. I wanted this to be about two sisters in their everyday lives rather than a small town planning for a high school prom.

The problem is that Michelle really did go to the prom in Jamie's dress, and it spoke out to me so much that I wanted others to feel the same way about it as I did. I don't want it to override the relationship between the sisters, but at the same time, I don't want to disregard it either.

Thanks so much for reading.

Pretty good.

You could tighten it up, so that it flows better.  And I would make the narrator more assertive.  

One show that I really like narration in is:

Diary of a Call Girl

It airs now on the BBC.  Billie Piper play the main character with a very assertive attitude.  Be nice to see that in the main girl in your story.

Oh, the cars flying around reminded me of Twister.

tweak

Thanks, tweak.

I'll keep an eye out for DIARY OF A CALL GIRL. I like characters that are assertive, but not necesarrily arrogant. The problem is that they're tough to write.

And about the cars flying around, it's essentially impossible to describe ANY tornado without drawing up images of TWISTER. I only used what really happened at the high school for the action scenes.

Again, thanks for reading.

I read it again, and what, I think, the screenplay is really missing is the feeling of dread when the tornado is hitting.  The dialogue hits the points well, but the action needs more flavor.

Sham,

This is an interesting piece. Over all, I enjoyed it. It's simple, yet complex enough to hold my attention.

I understand that this is a true story. Still, it might benefit from an uptick in tention, especially between the two sister -- which, in the end, would make it more poignant. As it is, it's not a felt experience, and it should be.

I agree with the others, much of the dialogue was "on-the-nose." It had a contrived feel to it. The descriptives, though, were well written. A minor nit, if something happens suddenly, it by definition, happens quickly. That said, keep an eye out for redunantcies.

Seth

Thanks for reading, Seth.

I agree with a majority of your comments. Dialogue is tough for a script like this because I wanted it to have purpose, but I also didn't want it to feel contrived. I think a simple rewrite will fix its most prominent flaws.

If there's anything you guys would like me to read, let me know.

Hey Sham,


This was a good story you had here.

- This line:

Quoted Text NARRATOR (V.O.) "Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and do it."

That's completely untrue. Drunk adults may disagree with me, but with teens these days, all they do is criticize. Just yesterday my friend was telling me how she was shopping at this store and she saw one of the employees dancing to a song, and another employee was staring at her like she was an idiot. The only people who can get away with dancing terribly are drunk adults (who aren't your parents, at least) and the most popular kids at school that everyone knows.

Sorry, just ranting there. Don't mind that.

- The way you introduced your characters was weird. Instead of using a separate line just for one word, a name, you can just merge all of them together.

Quoted Text One of them is 17-year-old JAMIE beautiful and innocent. Her black hair is familiar and mesmerizing.

can be: One of them is 17-year-old JAMIE, beautiful and innocent. Her black hair....

- I think you can really lengthen this script out. Maybe focus on other people besides Jamie when the tornado hits. You could also focus on Michelle when it hits, along with some other people...I don't know. It could add more drama effect.

- The ending was well done. But if it ends up being Michelle who's narrating, I think you should just start out at the beginning letting us know it's her, even if it might give away. If this were filmed, the audience wouldn't know until the end (unless they recognize the voice of the narrator matches with Michelle's voice). But yeah, good ending.

Sean

Well, Chris, I breezed over your recent comedy, but did not particularly care for that one -- not my speed, I guess -- and I moved over to this one instead, which is far superior.

Your strengths are displayed here in a fashion that is largely absent in that other script.

It is a moving story that is structured well and does not overstay its welcome.  Your choice of words is occasionally odd -- I will point out a few -- but as a whole this could work very well much as you have envisioned it.  I do have some comments on this one:

*  The opening scene, in silence, is nice. But it occurs to me later that you might want to mention if the voice of your unseen narrator is male or female.  It also occurs to me later that you should specify in the opening scenes that the identity of the girl in the red dress remains a mystery.
*  I am not sure how a shopping center can be eloquent.  Elegant, perhaps?  But that word may also be too strong.  And dresses would line the walls, not "align" them.
*  Specify that the Clerk is female.  A small point, but still.  Maybe Saleswoman would be more appropriate.
*  When the announcer is rattling off counties, why is Coffee italicized?  Even if this takes place in Coffee county, there is no reason to do that.  Again, a small point, but still.  If it is really important (it's not), when Michelle knocks on the door she can say something like, "Coffee county means us."  
*  Mom could be more sympathetic -- or concerned -- when she wakes up Jamie.
*  At the school, you build suspense well, but three hours seems like overkill.  I would tighten up the action and have it take place over a short period of time to lend it some urgency.  I would move from the classrooms to the lockers to the tornado in a very short period of time.  I mean minutes -- not hours.  Even if you are basing this on true events, you can also take a few liberties for the sake of narrative flow.

But this script ends as it should, and the final note is a very satisfying conclusion.  You should have some music come up, though, unless you intend to keep it silent.  Either way, you need to let us know.  This one is pretty good.  You should concentrate more on stories like this one.

I enjoyed this one a lot. Your opening scene was a standout in my head. All them dancing in silence -- seems like a scene that could be powerful.

This is a simple story. But very powerful.

I was going to nit pick a few details i thought were small. But i'd just read Berts comment above and can see he's gotten them already.

So really i need congratulate you because this is something to be proud of writing. True to the heart. Touching. Satisfying.

CONGRATS!

Quoted from bert Well, Chris, I breezed over your recent comedy, but did not particularly care for that one -- not my speed, I guess -- and I moved over to this one instead, which is far superior.

Yeah, that recent comedy is my worst, unfortunately. That's a bad introduction to my writing.

Quoted Text Your strengths are displayed here in a fashion that is largely absent in that other script. It is a moving story that is structured well and does not overstay its welcome.  Your choice of words is occasionally odd -- I will point out a few -- but as a whole this could work very well much as you have envisioned it.

Despite the theme, this is a very visual script, and I wanted to paint a strict picture for my readers. I wanted this place to feel like home even if it wasn't.  

Quoted Text The opening scene, in silence, is nice. But it occurs to me later that you might want to mention if the voice of your unseen narrator is male or female.

I'm trying to work this out in the rewrite. I'm not a fan of voiceovers, and I might excise the one in this script because I'm not entirely fond of it. It seems desperate for the emotion, and I don't want that. It should come naturally.

Quoted Text *  I am not sure how a shopping center can be eloquent.  Elegant, perhaps?  But that word may also be too strong.  And dresses would line the walls, not "align" them. *  Specify that the Clerk is female.  A small point, but still.  Maybe Saleswoman would be more appropriate. *  When the announcer is rattling off counties, why is Coffee italicized?  Even if this takes place in Coffee county, there is no reason to do that.  Again, a small point, but still.  If it is really important (it's not), when Michelle knocks on the door she can say something like, "Coffee county means us."   *  Mom could be more sympathetic -- or concerned -- when she wakes up Jamie.

All valid advice. I'll fix this when I sit down and write it again.

Quoted Text *  At the school, you build suspense well, but three hours seems like overkill.  I would tighten up the action and have it take place over a short period of time to lend it some urgency.  I would move from the classrooms to the lockers to the tornado in a very short period of time.  I mean minutes -- not hours.  Even if you are basing this on true events, you can also take a few liberties for the sake of narrative flow.

Agreed. At the time, I was very vehement on sticking with the facts, but looking at it a year later, I can see why stretching out the time might negatively affect the pacing.

Quoted Text But this script ends as it should, and the final note is a very satisfying conclusion.  You should have some music come up, though, unless you intend to keep it silent.  Either way, you need to let us know.  This one is pretty good.  You should concentrate more on stories like this one.

I like any screenplay with a story worth telling, and emotionally, this one seems to sit well with all types of readers.

Thanks for reading, bert. I'm glad you liked it.

  Well done. Marvelous what a story with minimum plot can do. Usually, shorts feel like someone took my dinner away before I got to finish it. I always want them to continue on, especially the good ones. Strangely, that is the mark of a good short, you want a little more, yet what you did experience was satisfying. A good short, to me at least, is about a pivotal moment and prom is, well, prom need I say more. Then this natural element is added. The narrative about the school and tornado was good. I did think it was going to be Rachel in the dress because she was the one the quote about dancing was toward. But, yeah, I guess it makes sense to conclude she’d passed away as well.

  One thing I would of liked to have heard in the dialogue is the words like ‘disaster’, to describe the dresses; and ‘expect the unexpected’, to describe prospect of prom. That’s just for my own sake. Someone had commented about the dread of the tornado and this may sound strange but I didn’t want you to blame the tornado. I’m not a fan of the term natural ‘disaster’ when there’s this sort of evil, blaming context. Oh, also, and honestly I opened this up for the title and after the story the title was that much better. It’s like and ‘indie-kind-a-sort-of’ title.



He writes.