Tears for Christmas by Spencer McDonald - Short, Action - An abused boy at the end of his ropes challenges his distraught mother to finally keep her promise and leave a dysfunctional family life behind. (10 pages) - pdf, format 8)

What a great, wholesome Christmas story! :)

Your writing is great, and I liked your transitions between scenes. Your pacing is spot-on. Also, the "five little monkeys" bit was a nice touch that made the children seem even more innocent in retrospect.

The only bad thing is, after I finished reading, I asked, "What was the point of all that?" You have some very admirable characters and one really detestable one, but as far as your story, it seemed like it was lacking something. It appears that the reader has just dropped into a random house in a random neighborhood, and the story is just their lives on Christmas. Maybe this simplicity was your point. I don't know.

I did like it overall, though. Keep writing.

Spencer,

I just recently started an account on simplyscripts so yours is to be my inaugural review.  Your formatting was spot on.  You also have a knack for brevity, which should serve you well in screenwriting.  I do have to agree with the previous poster that there really didn't seem to be any point to this story.  It read as if it were merely an exercise in form.

With any story, even one that clocks in at 10 pages, the main character has to show a discernible arc.  The characters in your story didn't seem to learn anything.  As the reader/viewer we should learn something as well through the eyes of the characters.  The stepfather knocked around the wife and kids.  That is very succinctly put.  But, why this episode in their lives?  Why this day?  How did he cross the line?  Had he never hit the kids before?  If that's the case then I can definitely see a woman wanting to kill a man who would dare touch her children.  The stakes need to be raised in this regard.

Also, watch your on-the-nose dialogue.  We don't need to hear her telling herself that she has to find some bullets.  Show us her turning the room upside down for bullets.  We'll get it.  Also, no need for menacing monolagues.  She's loading the gun.  We know what she's going to do.

Oh, and how dumb is this stepfather?  He puts a loaded pistol to his head and pulls the trigger because he remembers the last time he saw the gun, whenever that was, it was empty.  No one would do this and no one would especially do this after being given the gun by the woman he just bounced off the walls.

That was another problem but it gels with the raise the stakes issue.  You played it safe.  The story rode the rails.  You set up the problem and its solution and then proceeded from there straightforwardly.  Give us some curves.  I thought it was too simple and that somehow the story was was going to give us some sleight of hand.

For instance, play out the story with the mother and stepfather going into the bedroom as you have it.  We are led to believe that she is going to off him.  She gets him to put the gun to his temple.  Keep the cutaways to the kids' bedroom, they are indeed effective.  But, then let the stepfather subtley figure it out.  The kids hear the BANG!  They rush in and they/we get a quick glimpse of the stepfather putting the gun in the dead mother's hand.  He can turn to the kids and say, "Your mother just couldn't take it anymore."  

Just a suggestion.  

Anyway, good formatting, you get right to the point.  Just don't be afraid to mix it up for your audience a bit more.

Hope at least some of what I said was constructive.

Pete


  

Damn KyMalairn97, way to set the review bar.  I don't know what I can point out that the poster above me didn't already say, so I'm just gonna second it.

Good job on the script.

Thank you everyone for your reviews. And thank you Ky for making my script your inaugural review.

Spencer,

It was an enjoyable read.  I hope I didn't come across as overbearing.

Pete

Pete -- No worries. I appreciate the honest feedback. It seems you did a thourogh job of your review and I appreciate that.

woah KyMalairn97, anyonewould be lucky to be reviewed by you. But how can i spot something you haven't...? i can't. So i'm going to say that i liked this.

I agreed with ky on alot of his review, the sort of playing it safe aspect in a story where you could've gone into it a bit more.

Either way, good job on the script. Quick, great writing, and enjoyable.

Hey Spencer,

I was in the mood for some Christmas reading and came across this one.  :)

I do have a few years experience in the area of domestic abuse so I think I can be of help here. I do have a question and a few suggestions.

First off, what set him off to begin with? As with most domestic abuse, the abuser is like a Jeckyl and Hyde. Maybe he was fine in the beginning, and Misty was tiptoeing around him, trying to stay on his good side. Maybe he was beginning to drink, and she poured his booze down the drain???
Maybe they were expecting company for Christmas and no one showed up because of him???

You do show a nicer side of him for a second when he notices that she is bleeding, then he goes into a rage throwing the jewelery box at her. That scene was good, but it could be better. Why would she ask him to do one thing for her? That felt odd.
What if they both went for the gun, and Doug was the one who ended up with it in his hand?
What if he tried to scare her by pointing it at her, then played up the I really do love you bit, and if you don't love me I'm going to kill you or better yet myself, and turn the gun on himself and pull the trigger?

Would she really jump up and down on the bed playing with her children with her dead husband in the room?

I think the dialogue should be trimmed, too.

I think this could be really good with a little work.

Just my thoughts,
Cindy