The Woods by Kyle Paquet (eomir) - Short, Horror - Darren, Raven, John and Ellen just wanted a nice weekend away from civilization in the woods of Northern Michigan. When they get caught in a war between two of the galaxy's deadliest races, what they get is a living nightmare. Based on Sam Raimi's "Within the Woods". 11 pages - pdf, format 8)

The Woods (Alternate Ending) by Kyle Paquet (eomir) - Short, Horror - Darren, Raven, John and Ellen just wanted a nice weekend away from civilization in the woods of Northern Michigan. When they get caught in a war between two of the galaxy's deadliest races, what they get is a living nightmare. Based on Sam Raimi's "Within the Woods". 11 pages - html, format 8)

Well, I didn't see THAT coming.

I don't want to ruin the surprise for other readers, but I really enjoyed this. You have some terrific action scenes in just 11 pages, and the characters are all distinguishable. I wouldn't exactly say the dialogue is deep or profound, but it works.

I went into this script expecting another EVIL DEAD ripoff. I was disappointed, and that's a good thing.

Good work. Keep writing.

Kyle,

Couldn't wait for Aliens Vs. Predator 2?  It's out in just a few weeks!  

As a quick story to keep your writing muscles loose I suppose it works.  Your format was strong.  Just a few spots where less would have been more.    

I don't know, this story really didn't cover any ground that comic books, video games, film and fan fiction haven't done ad infinitum.  If you're going to write a story about such iconic characters give us something we haven't seen yet.  

Also, double check your spelling.  You had a few typos.

All in all it did whet my whistle for Requiem.

Pete  

Hi Kyle,

Don nominated this as the unproduced script of the day, so I thought I’d check it out.
This is well executed, but I think the genre is a very stale one and I agree with what Ky said about this being something thats been covered before. However, the action sequences were well done and your descriptions were good.
I also got a laugh out of Ellen saving her game of Halo before seeing to Raven.

The top of page 10 confused me though, because you didn't specify who said, "Yeah, ALIENS. You heard me right. Three of them. And one of them is a QUEEN. A little "starter hive".

You also forgot to add a title page to your script.

Hoo-boy.  Not a big fan of this one.  This story did not go where I thought it would, sure, but I was not too pleased with where we spun off to, either.

Where to start?  Is it night or day?  Your sluglines require that detail.  And how come only two of our characters have hair colors?  The question is facetious, of course.  None of them should have hair colors unless it is critical to the story in some way.

The dialogue from Darren’s history lesson to Raven could use a bit of tightening.  If you are going to define his character as a history expert, he should not say things like, "It’s a genuine spear head.  It used to fit on a spear.”

If you speak your dialogue aloud, these types of redundancies will spring out at you.  Try it.

Then we get to the action.  Raven slept through Darren being skinned alive?  Heavy sleeper, huh?  You should have them attacked during, or after, the picnic.

Then there is this line:

"ALIENS IN HER STOMACH. Yeah, ALIENS. You heard me right. Three of them. And one of them is a QUEEN."

Lots of things wrong with this line, but my biggest problem is what the heck does that look like?  How can you identify a queen while in the larva stage?  And then the Predator comes in and -- and then it is the end of the story?  Ack!

Now, I am being kind of harsh on this one because I can tell you wrote it very quickly and submitted it within minutes of typing FADE OUT.  You shouldn’t do that.

There are parts of this script that lead me to believe you are capable of much better than this.

Quoted from bert Then there is this line: "ALIENS IN HER STOMACH. Yeah, ALIENS. You heard me right. Three of them. And one of them is a QUEEN." Lots of things wrong with this line, but my biggest problem is what the heck does that look like?  How can you identify a queen while in the larva stage?  And then the Predator comes in and -- and then it is the end of the story?  Ack!

I actually thought that line was someone's dialogue, because it’ reads more like dialogue than a description. My bad. I guess.  :-/

Kyle,

Kyle,

Didn't I just see most of this in the AVPR trailer?

I must admit I did not like this at all. I'm a big "Alien" fan myself so I was really interested in seeing where you were going with this. I thought it was a big let down because it's basically a "Friday The 13th" flick with Aliens and Predators instead of Jason. And it was really really predictable.

I really couldn't tell the characters apart, to me they all came across the same and it's probably cos' your character description is minimal - at best.

The dialogue needs a lot of work too, it's seemed really forced and not very natural (and there's nothing really in the dialogue that sets the characters apart).

Quoted from The Woods Yeah, ALIENS. You heard me right. Three of them. And one of them is a QUEEN. A little "starter hive".

First of all, it should be "Hive starter". Second, lose the "Yeah" and "You heard me right" bits. Why did you even write that? Write what we can see and hear.

No, didn't like.

Ahahahahahahaha.......

I have no idea if this author is around or not, but man....

Anybody who read this the first time around please go back an scope out the "alternate ending".

I swear that you will not believe your eyes...

I do not have much to say about this script really, It certainly is not my kind of thing and and not a story i had much interest in. But it seemed to be well written, the dialogue seemed okay and the action sequences were written well and short and to the point - which is good.

But i did read the alternative ending and for me that made reading the first one worth while, not sure if it was supposed to be funny but i laughed a lot while reading it, a very lot. Well done on that.

Thanks Murphy

Well, first of all, I'd say that this is definitely a much better written piece than most scripts I see on here.  There are obviously many "poblems" here, and at less than 15 pages, it is nothing more than an exercise.

The story itself is a complete copy of a number of movies, and there is really zero characterization involved.  Throwing in the Terminator at the end is quite comical.

I would say there is definitely talent here, probably young and new.  You never know.

Would love to read an "original" script that is much longer and more developed.  

Quoted from bert Anybody who read this the first time around please go back an scope out the "alternate ending". I swear that you will not believe your eyes...

Holy shit! So now it's AvPvT? This is getting more and more out there.

Quoted from bert I have no idea if this author is around or not

Quoted from Dreamscale Well, first of all, I'd say that this is definitely a much better written piece than most scripts I see on here...I would say there is definitely talent here, probably young and new.

Bert, I think the writer's around  :P

Oh my...I'm lost for words here!

This is, I hope, not to be taken too seriously.  You have three movies chopped into a rather pointless teen flick.  

Darren reels off a speach about accient warriors, why?  And Raven's dialogue here just leads it along with real point.

If Darren is skinned, how can raven tell it's him?

Why does Raven knock on the door?  Wouldn't she just open it.  She seems a bit worse for wear at first but recovers to run around the cabin and arm herself, surely opening a door is not beyond her?

Death scenes taken straight from the said movies, put a bit of thought into it.

Some of the descriptions made me laugh 'Yeah Aliens, you heard me right'!  lol.

Nice plug for halo too.

In truth I'm not sure of the point here.  There's nothing new and not nuch else.  The teens are merely fodder and there's little explanation for what's goning on.  We all know about the Alien v's Predator war but it's not explained here and what the hell is the Terminator doing there?

A good exercise in writing but something new and original would be better, oh yeah and watch your slugs, day or night needed.

Actually, i think the alternative ending works cause the reader knows that by no means is any of this supposed to be taken seriously. Does it make it a good script? No. But at least it treats the reader who stuck with it to an off the wall ending that, for better or for worse, we didn't see coming.

Of course the standard stale dialogue, interchangable characters, and rehashed plots.

True, this type of genre doesn't particularly interest me at all, but it used to when I was younger, so I dove deep into my childhood memories of the movies I liked as a kid before I read this.

Even my inner child wasn't entertained by this.

I have the same gripes as everybody mentioned above, the dialog being the worst part of the story and ultimately, the main reason I didn't like it.

But the gripe I have that nobody else mentioned was, these people were sergeants, corporals and lieutenants.  Why did they act like sixteen year-old kids?  If all four were staying in the cabin, why would a lieutenant knock on the door if her life was being threatened?

I always try to end my posts with a positive reply, so I found Ellen saving her and John's Halo 2 game pretty humorous.

I think that's about all I could think of for now, but I'll read it again right after I see AvPR and see if the story opens up for me at all.

-Mark

Okay, I know I haven't been around to comment on the reviews, but since I'm getting plenty of feedback (and since the Alternate End, mostly negative), I'll clarify some things.

Firstly, thank you to all who have given me positive reviews. It was a real confidence-boosting experience.

Now, to answer some questions, this script is to be taken seriously, but not too seriously. As in, I'm not trying to make "Citizen Kane", "Alien", "Predator", or even "AVP". This is a fan script that I hope to someday make into a fan film. I wasn't trying to write anything profound, only something that would work. Hence the fact that there is par dialogue, little to no characterization, and, of course, the short length.

Raven cannot tell that it is Darren, she is guessing.

Darren talks about ancient warriors because I wanted to give at least some depth to him.

The Terminator is, of course, on a mission to save these people because their important to the resistance in the future. On a similar note, rc1107, they are sixteen year olds, and the ranks shown by the Terminator signify what they will be during the war for humanity against the machines. Nobody else mentioned this as a gripe because they obviously read the script thoroughly.

And not, it's not "hive starter", it's "starter hive", lit a "starter kit".

Sorry if this sounds like a flame, but I just needed to clarify a few things. Once more, this is simply a draft of a shooting script. If you want to see this script in its element, follow this link:

http://www.avpgalaxy.net/forum/index.php?topic=7101.0

Kyle, don't produce this.  It'll simply waste your money.

This script was awful from the very first line to the very end.  Starting with your header, 'Somewhere in Northern Michigan,' there were problems.  It was too vague of a description.  If the opening scene is the woods, then it's the woods.  And why Michigan?  Because you live there?  I was waiting for something that would make me say, "Oh, that's why it's Michigan."  And it never came.

Why do you describe Raven and Darren's hair, but not John and Ellen?  Why even mention their hair colors?

I found that all your characters were completely two dimensional and forgettable.  There was nothing in this script to make me care whether any of them lived or die.  And if no one cares about the characters, then no one will care what happens to them.

BTW, not everyone is familiar with Halo.  I don't know who the Flood or Covenant are and the idea of watching a film about people playing a video game is incredibly boring.

Is Raven retarded?  I actually thought this for a moment when Darren pulled the arrowhead from his pocket and said, See this?  It's a genuine spearhead.  It used to  fit on a spear."  I figured that there was a reason to have this nugget of obvious information explained to her.

I don't even understand why you'd even mention the arrowhead, or Darren's on-the-nose piece about him being a history buff.  It has nothing to do with the story.

Your description:

Quoted Text Yeah, ALIENS.  You heard me right.  Three of them.  And one of them is a QUEEN.  A little "starter hive".

is just inappropriate in a script.  I almost felt you were talking down to me when I read it.

I don't know if I saw all the movies that Predator was in, but did he actually talk to any of the humans in English?  And did he (I know there was more than one Predator, btw) ever show any human the same concern that she showed Raven.  Didn't he just kill anyone with the eggs in them?

I'm not going to read the alternate ending because, as I said earlier, if you don't care about the characters, you're not going to care what happens to them.

If you're going to film a script, make it a simple one.  Not one with the special effects that this script needs, and one that would be appreciated by a broader audience than this one would draw.


Phil