The Perfect Girl by Steve Meredith - Short - Steve is thinking of trying e-harmony.com to find his potential mate for life.  Mike tries to convince him otherwise.  The two discuss what qualities they'd like to see in their own "perfect girl." 6 pages - doc, format 8)

You might want to make up a dating site, just in case someoen wants to produce this.

Or they'd do it

I'm sure this is someone new at screen writing...


Let's start with format. Don't center your dialogue. You can have the margins at 1.5" and 4.5" and kept it aligned left, not centered. Also, when introducing a character, you capitalize their name once you introduce them, and then you can leave it lower case afterwards. And unless you plan on filming this, leave the camera angles and shots out also.

Your dialogue was a bit flat, but you can work on that. For some lines, try and say them out loud and see how they sound when you say it.

But yeah this was an okay script. You just need to spruce up a few things and it'll be better.

Quoted from ABennettWriter You might want to make up a dating site, just in case someoen wants to produce this. Or they'd do it

And I think you're allowed to use real sites, as they do in the movies, but yeah, I don't know about commercial use or whatever, but I think it's okay to use eHarmony.com

Sean

Interesting set up with two guys getting together to talk about women and watch football, the way guys do.

I like the punchline at the end, because it's set up well thanks to the dialogue, which has a couple of hitches from some exposition.

As this is an early draft, I'm not getting into formatting.

I would like to have Steve bring up more imperfections, and use that as a nice build with the imperfections getting weirder and weirder.  I also think that, if Mike was abarternder, that needs to be used or shown, otherwise, it doesn't do any good being mentioned in the description.  If it doesn's get revealed on screen, the way Steve's job was, it's not necessary.

On Steve's job, he's a bit young to have gotten so far in that profession.  I dated a sportswriter, and while women sportswriters don;t exactly get respect, in her twenties, she was still on some lower beats, which is usually where writers start unless they know somebody, no matter how good they are.  And if Steve's so good, why's he not at an important playoff game for his paper's local team?

Hey Steve.  I won't mention the format issues as these have been covered.

I know this is only a short but that sometimes makes it more important to tighten your dialogue.  Some of it isn't really necessary, two guys asking each other if they're ok and the like.  Cut to the chase.

The same can be said about the description at times, it can be made to read quicker.  Example:

MIKE presses a button on the box and opens his apartment door.  Moments later, STEVE, also 21 comes into the room.

Simplify to:  Mike buzzes Steve in, leaving the door ajar.  Moments later, Steve (21) enters.

I'd change the fact they both sit in silence for a few minutes, perhaps a few moments as minutes would drag too long.

Just a side question here but if Mike is a sports writer for Green Bay, wouldn't he be at the game?

If steve and Mike a good friends how come Steve doesn't know Julie left two months earlier?

The dialogue gets better the further into the script but I thought the ending wasn't the strongest.  I understand that Steve is thinking about the internet dating game and Mike laughs it off but then later let slip he uses it, I did draw a smile at that.

Tighten this up, a few typos too, and this would improve the read but I feel the ending was a bit of let down, I just expected a bit more from a long build up.

Steve. First off, you got beer, you got football, and you got the Bucs-Good stuff...Suggest bringing it up to date, though...Gradkowski was so last year...Course, Gruden changes quarterback like socks, but I think, as a Bucs Fan, you'll be safe to use Jeff Garcia until further notice...The Pack and Farve, ain't no doubt there...(think ol' Brett was supposed to retire last year)...Football wise, I'm right with you...Might suggest having some critical barbs aimed directly at the horrible (IMHO) Monday night crew on ESPN (Lookin at you, Kornhieser)

Screenplay wise, not so much...Not really any story here, no real conflict driving anything, just some casual observations that don't really mean much... Maybe if one the guy was totally obsessive with E-Harmony, checking his account instead of watching the game-(Maybe he did encounter some psycho-hosebeasts a few times)- that is time for a brotherly intervention...Format was blown out on the .doc I looked at...

Good Luck!

Joe

Who won the game?

You spent so much time in the beginning of the story on the game, I was more tuned in to that.

All the other gripes I noted in my head as I was reading the script were already mentioned up above, (and here I thought I was the only one who thought 'wait, he's a sportswriter living in Green Bay and he's not at a Packers playoff game?'), so I won't go into them.

I did like the end, though, where Mike had stuffed his foot in his mouth.  A little bit of redemption can't hurt.

-Mark Lyons