Train Station by John Mueller - Comedy - {no summary} 5 pages - doc, format :B)

John, I stopped reading your script after the first paragraph.  Actually, I started screaming at your script after the first paragraph.  Usually, it take about fifteen pages before I start screaming; you got me after one paragraph.

For starters:  please write a logline for your script and submit it.  People looking for a script to read will not be interested when yours reads 'no summary.'

And now, onto the script (atleast paragraph one):

Quoted Text A man walks into a busy train station. 5 other people are on the same bench as he. (person 1)very tall and keeps looking behind him like someone is going to sneak up behind him/has trouble with the mafia and has trouble controlling the volume of his voice. Underlines mean he is loud and italics means he is quiet. (Person 2) she is a germafobe. (Person 3) has had 16 cups of coffee. (Person 4) she has arms full with groceries and has lots of trouble getting around. (Person 5) smells like bad meat or really good cheese, also likes to scoot close to people and attempt to be friends with every one.

Give your characters names!  Numbering them makes it very hard to relate (and remember) them).

'Underlines' and 'italics' don't belong in a spec script.

Write descriptions as the camera records them, or as the reader reads them.  How do we, the readers, know that Person number 1 is having trouble with the mafia?  How do we know that Person number 2 is a germaphobe.  The list goes on through person number 5.

Read some scripts here and learn how formatting is done.  See how people introduce characters.  The way you're doing it is wrong.


Phil

I agree, not one of the best... but i see why you put "person" instead of their names. You were trying to make a point from the whole "train noises getting in the way of introduction type of thing" But maybe you could mention that in your intro. Your whole script needs to mention what all the people are doing throughout the entire thing. For example, if I was trying to perform this in front of the drama class I teach I would have difficulty trying to occupy my character while the others are speaking, because you don't instruct them what to do for the entire time! Basic idea is interesting...just keep it going, make those head honchos on this website WANT to read the rest of your script. A little more experience and youcould be a great director someday!
-brit ;D
P.S. see you in DRAMA!!!!

Quoted from jesusfreakbrit make those head honchos on this website WANT to read the rest of your script.

I don't know about the head honcho part, but you're write about the other part.

The writers have to make everyone else want to read their scripts.  In the part few days, Don posted nearly 45,000 scripts (my numbers are rounded up).  Why should we read one script over another?

Reputation of the writer always helps.  When I see certain people's names attached to a script, I'll automatically read it.  At the same time, I also avoid certain work when I see certain names attached to them.

So what's a newbie (without a rep) to do here?
1.  Read and review the work of others. It's a give and take thing, here.

2.  Submit a good logline/story description when you submit your script.  Having 'No Summary' will not convince to read your script.  At the same time, writing a 500 word summary of the story can turn people off.

More stuff to follow....somewhere else.


Phil

I strongly agree with Phil and Jesus.  You really have to give yourself rep here, learn to know your fellow screenwriters, and that way, they'll be sure to return the favor by reading your script.

However, I already some problems apart from names and how the formatting is set.  You gotta give a synopsis, even for something as simple as this scene man.  How the hell are the readers supposed to know what they're reading?  It REALLY helps when I know what I am reading before hand, and it helps even more if I get names.  So I would recommend taking these notes to heart and making the essential changes and effort to reach out to your fellow screenwriters.  

Quoted from Kamran Nikhad I strongly agree with Phil and Jesus.

Wow!  First time I've heard that before!

John, are you even on the boards, here?



Phil

ya! I'm surprised I'm even mentioned! YAY! Someone agreed with the noob!

Quoted from jesusfreakbrit ya! I'm surprised I'm even mentioned! YAY! Someone agreed with the noob!

You're not Jesus.  He told me so.

Quoted from Shelton You're not Jesus.  He told me so.

Uh oh...someone's in trouble now....

i didnt say i was jesus. lol! I'm a jesus freak. Read the book!
http://www.jesusfreaks.net/index2.htm

Hmm...

Well, I liked the description for person 5.  'He smells like bad meat or really good cheese'.  I thought that line was fairly clever.

This is unreadable, the numbering system is not good. I did try and persist with it but become to frustrated at having to keep checking who was who that i gave up.
Let's see a rewrite in a decent format and then we can concentrate on the actual story, as its a shame so many people will never bother to read it.

Quoted from .............................. This is unreadable, the numbering system is not good. I did try and persist with it but become to frustrated at having to keep checking who was who that i gave up. Let's see a rewrite in a decent format and then we can concentrate on the actual story, as its a shame so many people will never bother to read it.

You resurrected a 15 month old thread for this?   ::)  No point giving feedback when the author is likely not around anymore...or never was.

My bad. Im new on here, just leaving comments on scripts i read.

No harm done, but if you actually want the writer to see your comments, you might want to check for a username identifying the author, or a post from them in the thread.  Probably better to stick to recent stuff too, unless you know the author is still active.

But it's your time, so you can review whatever you want.  Don't be too surprised if it feels like you're talking to a brick wall, though.  ;)