At the Sound of the Beep by Steve Meredith (srusteve09) - Short - Four years after she left, Tyler's one true love Jessica returns to Tyler's home town of Seaside Heights.  Emotions are stirred, sparks fly, and the truth about these two lovers comes out. 6 pages - doc, format 8)

Steve,

You have to learn formatting or else you won't get reads.
Read some of the other scripts here and learn how to do so. You could still be writing while you learn.

Cindy

Hey Steve,

Definately a big problem with formatting, but I think the story's also lacking, too.

I wish I could yell the word 'f*ck' at a girl over and over again angrily and her still want to kiss me passionately.  I mean, I've never tried it before, but I don't think it'll work.  :-)  I'll try it tomorrow, though, and find out for sure.  If it works, I'll give your story five stars and forget all about your formatting.

I do like the title of this, though.  I think it's catchy and definately what got me to read your story.

- Mark

I was going to point out the formatting errors, but there are too many.  I also think you need to back off on the f-bomb.

I liked the rain visual.  However, wouldn't it be cool if the rain increased gradually as the tension increased rather than just starting at one point as a downpour?

I didn't get the reference to Seaside Heights when he was yelling at her.  It didn't seem necessary.

Your characters use the word "well" way too much.

Avoid the camera directions.

Avoid the double exclamation points!!  It's not proper grammar and reeks of grade school.

I like your dialogue, minus the "well"s and f-bombs.  These characters had individual voices.  Good job.

It looks like this is a first effort.  If so, keep writing.  There are lots of problems, which we all had when we started.  Learn proper formatting, read this website as much as you can, and work on your craft.

I echo all the other comments - couldn't take exception with any of them.  In addition, being 21 years old four years after being 18 was distracting.  I know the audience wouldn't have anything other than the four year gap to go by, but as a reader, well... it didn't add up.

The supposed deep love that appears to be the heart of the story eludes me.  I don't get how a kiss would drive this guy into stalker/sulker mode.  After his behavior, I don't see how she comes back to him.  I hear "Young Lust" playing in the background more than carnival music.  There should be something deeper leading up to the kiss four years ago, or something more than a kiss for this to seem real to me.  This would work well as the "page 30 moment" of a feature, but doesn't work well by itself.

I've read a bunch of similar scripts and they all seem to be self-indulgent and/or therapy.  I would guess the first part of the story is what happened to you and then the second part is how you would like to see it end.  Still, my advise would be build on that and go for broke!  Definitely keep writing.  It is good therapy.

I think everybody has had someone who broke their heart back in the day, and wished they had the chance to give them a piece of their mind.  A friend of mine made a pretty fun song about it called "You Broke My F***ing Heart."  I mention that part because of all the f-bomb dropping.  It's kind of natural that the emotions of the moment are going to get the best of the characters.

I kind of like that there was at least a little build before the two of them screamed at each other.  I think this is more of a scene, in a larger tapestry, which is good.  There's something to build on here.  Why does he love her?  Was he a loser and she made him feel like a somebody instead fo a lonely schnook?  Why didn;t she come back or call?  I know, she was scared, but four years?  A lot happens in four years.  What happened to her that now is a good time to come back?  Why does she love him?  Does she actually love him?  Did she leave so he could prove he loved her?

All of these elements are there to build on.  And please do, because this needs some thing to pick it back up after page 5.  As soon as I read "It begins to rain..." I rolled my eyes.  Another heated love argument and pasionate kissing in the rain.  It's been seen so many times, you might want to rethink the spontaneous downpour.