Merciless by Jonathan Matthews (jaybronxny) - Horror - The past and present of a small town sheriff and a abused woman are linked to a mysterious killer.  117 pages - pdf, format 8)

This one has been up for a little while, and no one has responded...
Are you reading other people's scripts?
That is how you will get this one read by other members.
You read their script, post a message, and ask that they in turn read your script...

BUT I wanted to let you know that I'm reading it.  :)
Why?
Because when I opened it for a quick look, I was very impressed with the writing. I believe that I can learn from this script. Your descriptions and dialogue are very good... crisp and fresh, and the story is a real page turner.

I probably won't have anything to say about it until after Christmas. I work retail, and it's a very busy time of year.

Cindy

Well, actually i am reading other scripts. In fact, I've downloaded two from Guy Jackson.

I also would like to take a moment to send some love out to Don for posting my script, Merciless. It took awhile, but its up and looking hot. Thanks Don. And to everyone taking a looky-loo at my script, thanks. This script is a homage to all the J-horror enthusiasts out there.
and to all the members of SC, I would like to let you guys know that I work a lot so I don't post as much as I should, but don't worry, I will post.
Thanks again Don, and to all who read it.

thanks to all who read this

I'm not sure what I could offer, but I'll see.  :B
Geesh...
Now that I know who you are, it's no wonder your script looks so good.

Welcome to simply scripts,
Cindy

Thanks Cindy,

I'm not that good, believe me. I'm just a novice writer still trying to learn the craft. I do appreciate you and our comments. I will check out your scripts and give you feedback.

thanks a bunch and happy holidays. :D

Okay Jonathan, I've read through your script.  It's been a while since I've read a psychological horror script so bear with me.

First, this script was written beautifully.  The pacing was fantastic and every scene seemed to mesh together with the previous one giving it this seamless quality to it.  The story was well planned out, but it really didn't jump out at me.  What I mean is that it just seemed like your generic Ju-On/Kairo clone type of J-Horror script.  If it wasn't written as well you wrote it, this would have been a very boring script.  But your writing saved this screenplay and turned it into a very interesting read.

Your characters were well conceived in my opinion.  At first they seemed to overlap with one another.  I had a hard time following all the different women at the beginning, but after Jennifer emerged as the main character, all the remaining characters fell into place.  Jennifer played like a true horror protagonist and she was real easy to follow along with during her quest to find out about her past.  Some of the characters seemed a bit like throwaways to me.  Like Perez, Beano, and all the male doctors.  They seemed to be soley created for source of information to the audience.  With the sole exception of Perez, after they said their piece, they were killed.  But that's just personal observation.  

As for the storyline, I liked everything up until the last few scenes.  I was really hoping to find out that the killer was actually Jennifer since you were insinuating all these multiple personality traits and disorders, I was hoping for a High Tension like revelation where it is shown that Jennifer is the one actually doing these killings, but you actually had a paranormal being doing the killing and I felt a little let down.  Even when you had the kid Evan only trusting Jennifer to talk to, I assumed it was because his friend was actually her.  But nonetheless it was a fun ride to go on and the ending did fit, but it just wasn't what I was looking for.  Even though I wasn't expecting the paranormal being to actually be one, I liked the Melissa character.  Her one liners were very creepy and I could just imagine her speaking in this Red Queen from Resident Evil like tone with a big ass sledgehammer raised abover her head ready to deal some massive damage.  I also saw a little bit of the little girl from Silent Hill as well.  So good job with that.  It was very effective.  

You have a couple phrases in this script that I think you are spelling wrong.  For instance, you have the Library Guard tell Jennifer "Mi Casa, su casa" with Jennifer replying "Renata".  Now I'm not fluent in Spanish but I pretty sure you mean "your welcome" which is "De nada" in Spanish.  

In the end this was a great script.  One of the best unproduced screenplays I have read in a long time.  It's good to see a rated R psychological horror story finally emerge and I hope you are going to try and sell this, because this is a good story.  I really don't have anything to recommend adding because it seems like the story is very tight already.

Very well done, Jonathan.            

Hey Jonathan, thought I'd check this out.  I've quickly read the first 15 pages and hope to finish this over the next few days, Christmas and all might take me a bit longer.

Anyway, like commented already, this is very well written.  I was impressed how easily and quickly I got through the opening scenes.

I noticed a few camera directions but I understand why you included them but some might pull you up on them.

The opening settings grabbed my attention and held it throughout.  The figure seems very unsettling and creates a good atmosphere.  Also loved some of your dialogue, 'my ass just left, I have to catch it up'.  Not sure what salt and pepper hair is but it made me smile.

anywho good stuff so far, hope to finish this soon.

Thanks Guy,

I appreciate the read. I will post my review for DMC and Heavenly Sword very soon. As for Merciless, it's kinda funny you mentioned Melissa's character, because in my previous draft she was part of Jennifer's mind. But, I changed it to appease other readers. Any who, I again appreciate you taking the time to read the story, and I'm glad you liked it.

Hi Jonathan,


SPOILERS WITHIN

I finished reading your script. Took notes as I read. Most of my comments are going to be on "the small stuff" (P.O.V. omitted words)  since I really liked the story.

On page 6 you have Rachel's P.O.V - A WOMAN'S NAKED BODY

That dangels over the bed.

Your writing is really outstanding, so crystal clear to imagine, but the P.O.V. sort of took me out of the scene for a moment.

Why don't you just write something like:
A woman's naked body sprawled across the bed, her head dangles off the side.

On page 42 you have INT. SHOPPING PLAZA when the scene is outside
the same for the cemetery scene on page 109

You kind of threw me when "the thing" just disappeared outside the plaza when the cop shined his flashlight.
Why was it overhead with the sledge hammer in tow?
It was scarey enough to see the sledge hammer being dragged in the darkness.
I thought she was going to kill someone, like earlier... and felt kind of like "what"?

I get it that she was there to plant the teddy bear. I just think that the dragging of the sledge hammer was enough.

On page 49 you have:
Something pressses against the surface of the door.

The wood bulges out as if it were elastic, takeing the shape...

Why not something like this:
The door bulges, pressure from the other side, taking the shape of a PERSON'S FACE.

On page 56
You forgot the word "you" when Jennifer is speaking to Evan.

On page 63:
Dr. Watts says: Why does that name sound so familiar?
Then on page 64 he remembers everything about her, tells her.
I think if a child under my care choked me, I would definately remember her name.
You might want to change that little dialogue on page 63.
I don't think he should ask why it sounds so familiar. He should know.

On page 75 you forgot "I" in the dialogue about playing with matches.

Page 76 you have: Put on a an natural air.

Page 95 you have: Anna quickly leaves bed.

Page 109 you have: He one at the foot of two graves.  

Now to the story...

One of the best I've read in a long time.

I'm glad you didn't go with Jennifer being the actual killer. A person with mental problems being the killer would have been a let down. It's been done too many times.

I think what you have here is original.  ;D
Evil posing as an imaginary friend, watching over Jennifer, and doing the killing.

The writing was awesome. So clear.

I liked all the twists you presented. Your writing kept me engaged throughout.
A real page turner.

I'd like to see this one on screen, and I have a good feeling that I will.

Excellent piece of writing.

Cindy  

thanks Cindy on your review. Thanks for pointing out the "small stuff" when I went back over it I missed some stuff (obviously) they will be corrected. Thanks again for the kind words. I hope this script would get optioned, and have an opportunity to see daylight. Hopefully, (hope, hope) someone from a major studio would go onto this website, read my script, and set up a deal of some kind.

Until then, thanks for the warm words. I will take a look at your scripts as I know they are as awesome as you are!

I enjoyed the read and benefited from it myself. I hope my review does the same.
With the length if worse comes to worse read one of the two.


Thanks for your time. BLB.


  Usually camera angles deter a story and maybe the story could benefit from the omission of them, but it doesn�t go without saying that form the opening sequence, the murder of a student at the hands, hammer of specter, is rich with terror/suspense that derives from the crosscutting ability of the author. The quality of that ability is consistent till the end, even in the hard tasks of cross cutting between past/present actions in a simultaneous time frame.
  It�s this death of a student that brings all the players into play, the detective, Beano, to investigate the crime and death, the student�s mother, Claire, head of Child�s Orphanage and our stories protagonist, Jennifer an admired colleague working at the Child�s Orphanage. In the wake of this murder, our heroine wakes, admitting to her psychiatrists she dreamed up the murder. Readers should be weary that when the story begins to come into fruition, although it continues in some aspects, it ceases or begins again in others, in that some relationships grow others, cease like Jennifer and Beano, others never happen like Dr. Mason and Dr. Watts. By story ends things feel logical.

  On a logical level by story ends things feels as thought they�ve fallen into place. We�ve uncovered the motive of our antagonist, Melissa and through revelation her relationship to Jennifer, the most important relationship in the story, which is great. But how about the motives of other characters, don�t fall under the misconception of �minor� character cause these characters are what you use to define your main character, Jennifer, they can be great resources of plot, and Jennifer�s growth through out the story. Two things you have to know, understand is where you�re emotion will come from and in this story its, I believe, �Is was the method chosen by Dr. Watts and his staff right? Should they�ve taken Jennifer�s memory? What would have been the consequence if they didn�t? How your past hurts you? Is that better than having no past at all?�


Continued...

  It’s through this you create a web with your characters, so by story ends you’ve up the anti on the emotional level when you reveal that Jennifer and Melissa are one in the same that’s your biggest reveal so hold off on that, but up and till that point you can use a number of misdirection that create plot that spring not just Jennifer into action but many characters.
  You have to do something to create plot in the beginning and middle too much of what’s going on happens at the end. You can divulge information about Melissa, through misdirection like Melissa was a resident at an orphanage, another could be whether Jennifer treated her and needs to remember or maybe she was a childhood friend or sister (all these in succession) would be great creating a steady build so questions and answers arise which we don’t really get in the middle. Having Jennifer investigate Melissa’s past and coming up with actual answers than eventually realizing those facts apply to her cause she and Melissa are one in the same.
  This is one of my biggest problems with the death of Det. Beano and the lack of use of Dr. Mason. Both these characters provide great opportunity cause they both have invested interests in Jennifer, one being her psychiatrists and other considering her potentially witness or accomplice (after she tells him her dream). They should be investigating Jennifer and eventually getting around her past. What creates more plot? Having one character investigate something or three.

  Imagine the great scene that could happen between Dr. Mason converse with Dr. Watts early not only introduces Dr. Watts character earlier in the story, but creates a relationship between other characters giving them more of a life, one that still evolves around the main character but allows them to express there values of the central theme, “Methods of medical treatment & confidentiality. The past affect on the present”. What would Dr. Mason and Det. Beano talk about, or Dr. Mason and Claire, and so on. Bringing all these characters together as close as possible under the same umbrella, same desire, creates a web that the story as whole will benefit from.

  Imagine how this scene, Det. Beano goes to the Child Orphanage, speaks to Evan and Evan is telling him how he has an imaginary friend and they share secrets, some good, some bad never mentioning Melissa. Upon exiting from talking to Evan, Rodney says, “I’m surprised you got through to him, Jennifer is the only one he really talks to.” Now, what conclusion can be drawn from this, Det. Beano would treat Jennifer more like a suspect, figuring she has bad secrets and follow her around and stuff it just creates a new, interesting dynamic to the story. This is what can come from having other character investigating and interacting. Still Jennifer’s story is the common denominator in this all.


Again, thank you for your time. BLB

Thanks BLB for your post/review.

I'm very impressed by your review. I never thought of that angle before now. I was more concerned about Jennifer and Melissa that I neglected the supporting characters. Made them one dimensional. And that's not fair to them. In your review, you gave me options. A way to make the supporting characters more than just pawns. I do appreciate you and your thoughts. I will try to implement them into my rewrite.

Thanks again.

Hey Jonathan sorry it’s taken me so long to get back to this, been a bit busy over the festive period.  Anywho I’ll crack on…

Oh I haven’t read other comments so ignore any duplicate questions.

Beano asks how severe the head traumas were, surely death is severe enough?  This line seems a bit redundant.

Page 20 when Lisa and Claire are talking on the phone, it’s obvious to both they are talking about Rachel yet Lisa says ‘tell Rachel…’.  Seems strange she doesn’t just say ‘tell her…’.  Small thing but it stuck out for me.  Your dialogue is very natural otherwise so I thought I’d point this out.

Would the police really contact parents by phone and leave messages?  Wouldn’t they call in person?

Rodney seems a bit heartless lol.  Just springing the Rachel was murdered last night and then saying he can’t do her work.  Not sure if this is his character yet so I’ll hold judgement.

You don’t include any description of the adopting couple?  I know they may play only a small part but a young / old would be sufficient.  I’m nit picking again.

Tee-vee watchers?  Never seen TV written like that before.

About 30 pages in and your pacing seems fine.  A good opening with plenty of questions and now the story and characters begin to unveil themselves.

Page 32 your logline reads Jennifer’s bedroom but she sits on the tub?  Should this be bathroom?

You’ve got some pretty spooky goings on here.  It’s building the suspense and mystery nicely.

Was just gonna take a break when Beano had his premonition and the whole bedroom/bathroom scene was great.  Never saw that coming.  The door elastic scene rings bells in my head, have I seen that before somewhere?  I loved it though.  It’s very atmospheric and the strange child-like figure seems very disturbing.

So far so good.  I’ve been very impressed with your writing and the story unravels very naturally, nothing forced.  Will continue soon, it’s definitely got my attention.

I’m back already, got the hook I guess.

It’s strong that you kill off one of your main characters so early, shame cos I liked Beano.

You can’t beat a bit of cheese, Patrick returning like the cavalry with his badge being tossed back to him lol.

Page 61 and an exhausted Patrick, really he only rolled out of his car?  Maybe shaken but exhausted?

I’ve heard this a few times but what the hell is ‘salt and pepper hair’?

You have a flashback but state that Melissa is slightly older?

The security guard suddenly speaks Spanish I think.  Is he Spanish in origin as there’s no description of him?

Cratering his face – ouch!

Well what started as a, what I thought, standard slasher movie has now developed into a psychological horror.

Page 71 confused me slightly when you have a kinda flashback but don’t introduce it.  Once I read it again I figured it out so no real beef.  You describe some beautiful cinematography through this script.

Page 73, I think the mourners are ‘sombre’ not sober?

I get the whole teddy bear thing now.

You merge the scenes together really well, the flashbacks and present.  I get a real sense of Jennifer’s madness.

Dr Mason seems a bit too calm in his ‘I don’t believe we met’ response.  His wife’s just been murdered in his bed.

When you say the bullet strikes Jennifer, I imagined it hitting her in the chest but then you state it grazed her head.  Maybe say the bullet hits her head or something but then I guess on screen I would see where the bullet hit.

Right finished.

I feel I got to mention the sledge hammer and picturing a small child wielding a sledge hammer is hard.  Not sure where you from but a sledge hammer to me is a huge head with 3 foot handle.  How tall is Melissa?

The death of Beano and the introduction of Patrick was a bit of sour point for me.  Beano seemed to be taking a lead role and then dies.  Patrick takes up the story but isn’t involved enough.

That said it’s one of the few negative things I have to say about this script.  This was one of the best I’ve read here and that’s not an understatement.  It’s very well written, had a lot of thought put into it and beautifully described.

Very good work.

Read this more out of boredom, aka for entertainment, but I did catch a few mistakes...sorry I only managed to remember two of them to type up:

45 (electrical hum needs caps)
53 (you have ease-dropping; should be eavesdropping)

Oh, and you confused me with "tee-vee" why not just put television or TV???

Overall it was an interesting read. Although, I must say the ending was a bit confusing. By page 70 and onward, it was very hard keeping up with so many female names. I actually had to write them down on a notepad for quick reference. Lol.

Pretty good read, but you really must proofread your scripts at least twice before posting them here.

Usually don't like horror scripts, but this kept me intrigued.

But I do have a question.  How did the doctor know about Melissa?  If she was sent to protect Jennifer, wouldn't she have kept her identity a secret?  Especially with all of the murders that Melissa committed at a young age?

And why did Melissa kill her father but not Claire in the flashback?  And why did Melissa kill Rachel in the first place?

Rewrite this and address those plot points.  Then try to sell it.