The Brown Leather Pouch by Elisabeth Dubois (elis) - Short, Drama - On her wedding day, Fiona is given a precious leather pouch, treasured by her Grand-mother. 6 pages - pdf, format 8)

Thank you Don

Wishing you all a Happy Holiday Season!

This script was written for a monthly comp where its theme was to utilise the following three props:  a coin, a ring and a button.

Hope you enjoy it.

I did enjoy it, Elis.  It's quite endearing.  You write really well and I'm only going to suggest a few tweaks on writing what would be seen on camera.

Even if we were close enough to the trinkets on the bed, we would still notice that the room is brightly lit from the start, rather than when the door opens.  Unless your intention was that Fiona turns on the light upon entering.  If so, that's what it should say.

Sound cues (especially anything they might have to Foley) should be in all CAPS and do not need to say if they are on screen or not.  You could accomplish the same task by describing what we're seeing as we hear the knock.

There are a few times you mention something that would happen internally to a character (like realization) and I think you can tighten that up by describing how we see them.

Very few typos and grammar errors, but there really shouldn't be any on a six-page script.  The one thing I will point out is the vocative case.  Whenever someone mentions the person they are talking to, the name, pronoun, or whatever they are calling that person, should be offset by commas.  For instance, "Open it child," should be "Open it, child."

Otherwise, you accomplished the task of the challenge beautifully and with heart.  Great short story in many respects.  Bravo.

Hey, elis, this was a sad, li'l script here. For a second I thought that this was set back in the fantasy ages, you know, with the princess and her singing that leads the animals in to help her dress up for her wedding. I think it's because of the name Fiona, since that's from Shrek and sounds like something from a Disney movie. But then I started to notice the oxygen tanks and then the call for the ambulance, and I was like, "Hmph. I guess this is set in the present." Haha I felt like a fool.

Also, when Josie and Gran came in, I thought Gran was the mother at first, since you introduced her before Josie, and I was like, "How can a woman at 67 years old birth a child!?" but then I saw Josie. Man I'm really screwing up this script as I read it, haha, sorry about that. It's not your fault, is mine. :P

But yeah this was a nice script. Your descriptions were written well, and I guess your dialogue is what also made me think that this was like a Disney movie, with the whole line, "It's mom. Are you decent?" Haha. I can't really point out anything wrong right now. Maybe if you could go into more depth with the story somehow, like have flashbacks that tell the story of the Airman Challenge coin and the button and then the ring, or something. I dunno. :P

This was good. Good job.

Sean

Hey Elis,

This wasn't too bad considering the restrictions of the competition.  I think you made good use of the five pages.

The ivory button popping off during the wedding ceremony was really cute and made me laugh outloud.  I was probably laughing louder than the priest did.

Anyway, no huge complaints or criticisms from me.  The writing was pretty solid and none of it came across as confusing to me.  Zombie Sean might have just been having a bad day.  :-)  (What's up, Sean?)

I don't think I've ever came across any of the other storyies you've posted on here, but I'm definately interested in checking out what else you've been writing.  You might have to give me a couple days, though.

- Mark

Hey Elis. I remember reading this one at MP.

Like I said there,  I enjoyed the back story that you weaved behind the challenge’s props. That helped to increase its sentimental value.

And I liked how you managed to inject enough “light” in the ending, mixing death with some warm feelings.

My only beef was with the beginning since conflict takes a bit to kick in in this one. Take this comment with a grain of salt tough, since dramas aren’t usually my cup of tea.

I think you did a good job. Especially considering that the theme requirement was quite challenging.

Hi all,
Hope Christmas was a time for family and friends.

Thank you all for the read and review, much appreciated.

Gwydion,
All worthy points. Grammar has always been a bit of a phobia, English being my second language.
There was a time - when I first attempted writing - where I would place a comma everywhere "I" thought there was a need, and sometimes I still do; But now, I seem to omit the ones that need to be placed. A forever going battle. ::)

Zombie Sean,
lol, so sorry to have confused you. I'm glad you worked it all out in the end. ;D Thanks for your honest feedback ;).

rc1107,
Glad you enjoyed it. I haven't read any of yours as yet.
To be honest, I have been a little slack with my reading lately. To read more this year, is one of my New Year's Resolutions, thanks for the read and feedback. ;)

Mr Z,
It's so hard not to come across the same scripts, especially when many of us frequent similar sites. :P
I truly appreciate your feed back, once again. 8)
cheers

Hi Elis;

Nice use of the three round objects...The script is fine, I just wish Gran hadn't passed away at that particular point in time...seemed a little contrived...Would Fiona still go through with the wedding? I'd guess the family would postpone it given the events of the moment...On the other hand, the whole family is there, dressed nice, got the minister...two birds, one stone...Save time...Just kidding.

Joe

Hi Blakkwolfe,
Never put much thought into what would happen next, lol :P; suppose the wedding would be cancelled...but then again!!!! hmmm!! I'll have to think about that one.

Thanks for the read ;)

I was going to mention the comma and sound cue issues, but it's already been done.  

I had the same problem as Blakkwolfe.  Gran's death seemed contrived and may have actaually ruined the wedding day instead of improving it.  I'm not sure of a better solution, so take this with a grain of salt.  I also have never written a short, so my opinion is basically useless.

I did enjoy the story until Gran died.

Quoted from Yosef91 I also have never written a short, so my opinion is basically useless.

Everyone knows how they felt about a story no matter the page count. So your opinion is not at all useless. :-)

Well said Pia,

Thank you for the read and your comments Yosef91.
As Pia commented, all reviews are helpful and it certainly makes no difference whether you have written a short.

I am having mixed responses with this one. Gran's death is a bit rough, but then again I wanted to throw in a major emotional turn.

I might consider a softer ending and maybe continue on with the wedding.

Thanks again! 8)

The remark about my opinion being useless was in jest.  I enjoy reading shorts because, in my opinion, they are so hard to write.  I have finished four feature length scripts, but I have never even been close to finishing one short.

I guess brevity is not my forte.

Yosef91,
All good, lol

I began scriptwriting with feature lengths and wrote five; Then, I was introduced to shorts on a site called Movie Poet and I have enjoyed writing these immensly ever since.
I am finding it a total milestone, reading and rewriting my features.

Sorry, not a drama guy here, but a review is a review and I’ll give you my three cents for your coin, button and ring.  Onward.   “Brown Leather Pouch” was above average.  It had some moments I was fine with and others that made my eyes roll, not water.

Your title hints at a direction you can take this.  It’s almost mystical.
•  Intimacy – Josie should be in Fiona’s room, helping her daughter prepare. When Gran arrives, Josie steps out of the room. But reminds all that they need to stay on schedule.
          For Time is the antagonist.  It brings conflict.
I wanted to see a stronger bond between Gran and granddaughter.  But more on that as I touch on other areas of your story.
•  Give Gran more character;  fiercely independent, she wheels herself to Fiona’s room.
• Contrast - Old and New. Old and Young. Calm vs. Frenzied.
           As Fiona gets ready for the wedding, she is moving at a frenetic pace. Gran sits in her wheelchair and is the calming effect.  She watches Fiona, she looks at all the bridal paraphernalia, maybe reaches out with a wrinkled hand to touch the wedding dress.
           And then Gran settles Fiona down.
Allow Fiona to protest mildly, but then agree to sit down with Gran.
Maybe there is knocking at the door, perhaps from a bride’s maid, but Fiona is respectful enough of Gran to shoo others away: “… not decent yet. Will be out soon.”  
She says something/anything to buy Gran time to share her feelings.
                                         Time must slow or come to a stop.
Now we are in a magical world. Elis, this is your stage.  Charm us with the stories to come...

Perhaps Gran has never revealed what's in the purse.  It's a secret that Fiona has been aware of since she was a little girl...

• Your back stories need more depth.  
I like where you’re going, but don’t think you’ve arrived, yet.  Especially with the ring.  That story should captivate us.  It should have more resonance.
       --  the coin story is okay.  But, what if the coin belonged to Gramp’s best friend?  They entered the Army together, fought side by side.  Gramp’s buddy sacrificed his life to save Gramps.  Maybe he saved the whole platoon.
      --  You tell us how the button popped off of the shirt, but not why.  Was the shirt Borrowed?  There seems to be a humorous story there.
      --  And then there is the ring.
Maybe something like, Gran’s family disapproved of Gramps.  Maybe his family threatened to disown him if he married Gran.  Star-crossed lovers?  Or maybe Gramps gave that ring to Gran before he went to war.  You see where I’m going, Elis?  
          Finally, how will Fiona be affected by the 3 objects?  
Is there any way that the three objects can change her life??
  
• Not sure why the story is set in 1990.  Clarify.  Date the film in such a way that we know it’s 1990.
And, why doesn’t Gran give these items to her daughter?  Perhaps she never had a daughter.  Josie might be her daughter-in-law.  Just bringing this to your attention.
• Should Gran die in the end?  I say Yes.  It's Poignant.
This story is about legacy.  One chapter closing, another opening. A dying woman’s quest to give special items to her granddaughter on her wedding day.  Not sure why it comes on her wedding day, but I imagine that Gran has traveled a great distance to be here for the wedding.
I believe Gran would like for Fiona to one day pass along these heirlooms to her daughter.  Or granddaughter.  And maybe, Fiona is now the guardian of the secret.  She will tell her children about Gran and the purse. But not reveal the secret contents.

Gran didn’t choose to die on Fiona’s wedding day.  It is irrelevant to me whether the wedding goes on or is postponed.  That’s a different story.

With that said, I’m not for Gran dying in such an upsetting way.  I want Fiona to be engrossed in her treasures or be distracted for a moment.  And in that quiet moment, Gran passes.

We don't need to see the ambulance or hear the siren.  You can cut to a quiet moment later, for Fiona to grieve.
Maybe this is where Josie comes back into the story to say a few words of comfort.  At this point, perhaps, we learn that Mom understands and is OK that her daughter was the one to receive the gifts.

Here is the Catch 22, Elis.  If you tell weak stories, the audience will moan and say, 'that's the big secret?'  So, you have the burden of charming us, enchanting us and making us Believe.

•       Tone down all of the melodrama.  Sentiment is fine, but no sappy crying.  Gran going from giggles one moment to an immediate tear down the face the next moment, ughhh, yak, hurrrrl.

I was taught to avoid pulling the “Crying” card for as long as possible.  It’s a cheap way to buy audience sympathy.  As Gran tells her stories, she pauses, she sighs, her lips quiver, she averts her gaze…  create emotion without the tears, at least until the end.  A good writer earns those tears.

Please, please, drop the CONT’Ds after the characters name when they speak. We get it.  
Gran is 94 years old.  But when phrased 94-year-old woman, you need the hyphens.

Watch your dialogue.  I suggest dropping certain words which can sound too much like written dialogue.  Example:  It’s mom. Are you decent?
You can say:  It’s mom. You decent?
Actually what you wrote is OK.  That wasn't a good line to pick on.  Sorry, you're OK there. I only mention this point for future reference.

Tighten some of the action sequences.
Write active rather than passive. First scene: An open box displaying…  better if an open box displays…

You write:  She places the necklace around her neck and fastens it.  Better to say “she fastens a necklace around her neck.”

You write:  Fiona is excited and quickly strides over to welcome her Gran and hug her.  -----   Tighten.
Maybe something like, Fiona rushes to Gran with open arms. Hugs her tight.  
Then allow the dialogue to fill.    “Oh my God, Gran, you made it.”

Think about how you’d film this.  I would focus on writing strong visuals.  I can see Gran pushing her wheelchair down a dark corridor. Maybe silhouetted against a harsh backlight.
Once in the room, have Gran’s presence set the Mood.   Let us absorb the texture of the room.
I see the window now, the way the breeze tosses the curtains.  I can see the shaft of sunshine from that window, stretch across the floor. Touching one of Fiona’s shoes.
I can hear Gran’s breathing, labored but steady.  I can see the way she caresses that brown pouch.  In weathered hands, the length of her finger nails.
Play up the visuals in your writing – without the dreaded purple prose.  Utilize Nouns and strong verbs.
Tighten the way you write action. Make it smoother, seamless.

Gran dips into the pouch and removes each item.  Write it so we know that it is a measured, delicate movement. She places the coin in her granddaughter’s palm. Fiona studies the coin, looks into Gran’s eyes.
Then we hear the stories…  Gran weaves each new story around the visuals.  We want to hear more, we can’t walk away, we’re enchanted.
For now, Fiona is a little girl listening to Gran’s bedtime stories.
Don’t overwrite.  Let us linger on visuals, hook us with Gran’s words.  Learn to turn a phrase.   Intimacy, my child.
You have only 5 pages.  Never mind the wedding, it's a frame for the real story.  We are here to share in Gran’s wonderful secrets.  It's a time of magic and wonderment.

Be well and keep going.   I like your style.   :D

Hi elis, Had no idea what to expect when I read this (i try my best to avoid the comments before I read a script) but just wanted a short one to read as have not read any scripts for a month and wanted to ease back into it. While reading the first page though I did have my fingers crossed that it was nothing to do with mens underwear and as soon as I established it was not then there was no way it could have disappointed me anyway! ;-)

Despite this story being so not what I would want to choose to read and really not my thing at all I still found it a good read, well paced, good dialogue and enough mystery to keep me turning pages at least. Which for a 5 page script is a pretty decent accomplishment.

There is enough feedback above I guess to keep you busy for a while and I still find it difficult to give criticism on a script that is only 5 pages long, I am still trying to learn about 5 page scripts so certainly not a position to offer an opinion to anyone else.

I just don't like the idea of reading someone's work and not writing anything - seems rude!

Thanks anyway for the 5 mins entertainment you gave me!

Thanks Murphy

Abe from LA

Abe, I have sent you a PM.

I must say, Wow!  :o That's a great review; one that gives such insight and most welcomed feedback.
I can only imagine the sort of review you must give to a feature. ;)
Thanks heaps!!!

Murphy
Lmao, "Mens underwear"? Never thought the pouch could have given that idea. ;D

I appreciate the read.
It was said before, it makes no difference whether you write shorts or not...your opinion is as whorthy as the ones you would give for a feature length.
Glad you enjoyed it. ;)

Hey Elis,

This is a sad short. Very effective. I think it served it's purpose especially having Gran died.

I browsed over a couple of comments so I really don't know what to say much else. its a short, a really small short in fact, lol. so pardon my review if it is not much.  

Sorry again,
Gabe

Thanks Gabe,

It is a short and a short review, although not much said, lol, shows you still took the time out to read.

I appreciate that. ;)

Thanks for the read. :)