Cheese Curls and Dirty Swimming Pools by Daniel Alexander & Frank Guido - Comedy - Walter Kronkite McMackenstein is a 68 year old pool cleaner, writer, cheese curl fanatic and S&M underground king who falls for a southern belle and gets mixed up with the local mafia.  Blood bullets and ballgags fly too fast and too furious  in this story that will tug at your heart strings.  59 pages - doc, format 8)

Daniel, I liked "The Setup" much better than this.  I could go on about formatting, typos, spelling, what you write in a screenplay versus what you don't, and story, and blah, blah, blah.  But none of that really matters with this script.

Sure.  I like dark comedies as much as the next guy.  Maybe more.  I have the capacity to laugh at some pretty bleak situations.  I found a few lines in this amusing.  Not laughing out loud.  More of a "Hey.  That one was clever."  For the most part, your humor is trying so hard to be random, dark, and bizarre that it becomes predictable.  Predictable is never good in comedy.  And if you are trying to trump the last guys in how wrong you can be, don't.  I know from "The Setup" that you can be funnier than this.  But none of that really matters with this script.

I had a very similar problem with this script as I did "The Setup."  Couldn't get behind the characters.  In "The Setup," they weren't even named, only seen for less than half an hour, and already I'm accepting their invitation to a Super Bowl party over anyone in this script.  I wanted to care about Molly.  I tried.  I failed.  On a positive note, your characters are distinct.  I can easily tell them apart.  But none of that really matters with this script.

The title really doesn't do the script any justice.  If anything, it limits you to a gimmick.  The story is very hard to find and seemed to change fairly often, like you challenged yourselves to build a script out of all the wadded up scraps of paper you tossed out of other stories because they didn't work there.  Well.  They really don't work here, either.  You do have some clever kernels of an idea or two.  But none of that really matters with this script.

There really isn't anything more you can do with this script except walk away from it and build on something else.  Find a way to format your scripts properly and go over them sober to make sure you've caught as many errors as possible.  Then you may be able to find ways to expound on one of your ideas in a whole story.

Good luck and have fun.