Think of me and I'll be there... by Robert Glenn Newcomer - Short, Horror - The mind of one young girl holds more power than anyone had imagined.  25 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey Bert.  I remember this from the work in progress thread you posted a little while back.  Still toiling in the macbre, I see.

*Minor Spoiler*

I think you set up a pretty intriguing premise here, that of a little girl who can - I think I got this right - forge a psychic link with an object or person?  From your opening scene at the lab I was led to believe this was going to be more along the lines of telekenesis but the ending sort of dispelled that.  One suggestion might be to establish her abilities a little more suscinctly up front.  I think you'd still maintain the mystery if that's what you were concerned about.

*End Spoiler*

Page 22 - you misspelled 'Evie' 'Edie'.  The only typo I found.  Kinda funny though, huh?

I like the scene transition with the spinning tire.  I always like it when a writer can compose a shot like that without breaking any format rules.

I might hint at trouble in the marrage.  It sort of feels like the husband was oblivious to this all.  Maybe show that he's aware of the friction between his wife and daughter or something to suggest that all is not right.  He can ultimately dismiss this but I think it would draw his character, and the story, out more fully.

As for the characters, all were appropriately sympathetic or evil; they were well drawn up.  I think I may have pointed out with 'Salvage' that none of the characters were too likable.  Not a problem here.  In fact I'd say that was the strength of this story, at least to me.

Storywise you packed alot into 25 pages.  I could sort of see where this was heading in spots but it was more of a slow realization that came to light as I was reading.  The only time I really felt I was ahead of the story was when Charlie dropped the body into the lake - I just knew what was to come.  That can play both ways though; knowledge of what's to come builds suspense.  I don't think you meant to set us up for some big twist so it doesn't unduely mar the story.

That final scene at the end, when it does come, was sort of unnerving and amusing at the same time but I think it works.  The humor part plays as sort of an affectionate little jab at the genre.

All in all I enjoyed this.  

-Mike

Hey Bert,

Long time no writing. What's it been? A year and a half? Good to see something new from you. I read it within minutes after it went up. I decided to let it sit in my head for a bit before rereading and commenting. I'm hoping you want honesty and not just me praising you... I can do that anytime. ;-)

SPOILERS:

I think you started out well in the beginning with the blind girl and her powers, but as the story went along you sort of abandoned that theme. I know it comes back into play, but not escalating and escalating as one would expect. It's hardly there at all. Unless I missed something which is entirely possible.

The relationship between Kate and Trevor works and is believable. I think however that Evie and Kate's relationship is something you can work on some. Their relationship is where you can definitely up the creepiness or horror aspects. Think about it, an evil stepmother alone with a blind little rich girl in a mansion. That has huge potential for the audience to fear for the girl.

Evie and Charlie going at it like animals? That doesn't quite work for me. I didn't see any real affection between them anywhere else, or is Evie just playing him? Either way I think that needs some tweaking.

The boathouse stuff was okay, but seemed like something I've seen before. Several times even...  It is creepy how he comes back and the visuals are good, but I didn't feel fear or worried for Kate which I think is what is missing. If I were to suggest something, it would be to have hear involved more in that part.

The horror of this script to me is the blind girl and the danger from her stepmother and her almost losing her dad. I'd like to see more build up of that and less about it all being about money.

I might come back and add something more tomorrow, but these were my first thoughts.

Hope it helps,

Pia

Hey Bert,

Taking a little time of from The Farm I decided to read this. I remember you asked about "how to kill someone without leaving a trace" while working on the story. Obviously you found a way, though it wasn't quite what I had hoped for.

This story is basically a fairytale. It has the familiar elements. Magic among others, and the wicked step-mom. Alas, it felt incomplete. To me, the interesting part about this story was Kate's powers, ESP or whatever it is. It certainly had some X-Men elements and I found that very interesting. It kinda reminded me of an old movie  with Martin Sheen whose son has these psychic power (can't remember its title though). The whole plot with Evie and Charlie seemed like something out of an episode of Columbo - and while I absolutely love Columbo, we've just seen it a million times before. Nothing new under the sun here.

I would much rather have read about Kate's powers than a plan gone awry.

About the scene with the canoe. I'm sorry for getting all logical here, but when's the last time you rode a canoe. From what I remember, those things are unsteady as hell. I mean, if you shift your weight from one foot to the other, those damn things almost capsizses. So to thrown a grown man off its side seems not doable. A row boat would probably work better.

But the script is really well written though, the characters are scetched out nicely and that makes Evie's and Charlie's motive seems believable after the way you set it up.

I just hope that you will one day refrain from using the word IS (or ARE) in your descriptions. Those words generally disrupt the flow of a script and this is no exeption. First of all, when used to describe a character's feelings, it comes across forced and on the nose. Second, it's a way of telling and not showing.

Don't CAP your dialogue when a simple ! does the job better. And there's certainly no need to underline it as well.

All in all I thought it was well written but too thin to be outstanding. A good effort though.


Cheers
Rob  

Cool, I’ll read this later.

Just kidding ;D

Already read it, and got some comments, with spoilers of course.

Nice, creepy opening scene. And very tight first act. You really cover a lot of ground within few scenes, establishing exactly what we need to know. No more, no less. No complaints here.

Trevor’s “death” scene in the limousine was nice. I really like your the execution method you finally went for.

I’m wondering if finding a guy who looks so alike to Trevor isn’t a bit too lucky for the bad guys here. I’m guessing you did some research on this and look alike people exist in reality, but I dunno, still feels like a pill a little too hard to swallow. Have you considered the plastic surgery route?

Once her plan goes south, Evie’s monologue about her plan B felt a bit off, almost like a cartoon villain. It’s only a brief moment, but it doesn’t match dark mood you successfully created.

Taped Trevor coming out from that lake would look really creepy on screen. Loved the detail of having one eye peeking from behind the tape. Excellent.

Overall I think this is a nice “Tales From the Crypt” kind of story.

From a story telling point of view is pretty solid but it felt a bit short in the horror department. It has its creepy moments but it didn’t feel as scary as some of your previous work - I’m thinking of  Wall Mart to be precise. I’m not sure if I can pin point the exact reason, but I’ll try.

Most of the scary scenes are told from the bad guys POV here; they are the victims of the scary factor in this tale. When a good guy is in danger, the audience is afraid for him. Since the audience usually identifies with the good guys, the usual subconcious feeling might be something like “Hey, that could happen to me”.

But when a bad guy is in danger, the audience’s first reaction might be something like “Screw him, he deserves it”. Maybe that’s why watching Evie in danger didn’t make me feel that cold thing in my stomach like I felt with that poor little boy in Wall Mart.

This doesn’t mean that I didn’t enjoy the creativity of those scenes; they were enjoyable to read. The whole script was.

I hope we don’t have to wait another year to see something from you again. If my math is correct Bert Jr. should be old enough to do some moderating; that should give you some extra time.  :P

Hey Bert. How you doin'?

I decided to give this one a whirl.

Your writing is pretty damn good, and your format is a-okay. Though that is to be expected from a SS "veteran".

That being said, I think this script was sort of bland at times. There was a lot of potential here that I never really saw accomplished and the climax in particular seemed really rushed.

Among these wasted subplots were Trevor's creepy double, Evie's plan, and of course, Kate's powers. There was so much more you could've done with this than you actually did, and I ended up being very dissapointed. This script would be better off as a feature and nothing else. There are too many good story arcs here to spend them on a 25-pg script.

You spent a lot of space on Charlie and Evie, who's arc I found boring and clichéd. I would've much preferred to read about Kate's powers and her mom's death (which is another cliché in itself) than a petty wife plotting against her rich husband (and complete with a nice-but-misguided limo driver!).  

Which brings me to another complaint--I never wished anything upon Evie. She was just way too stereotypical and cartoony for me to hate her. Think Famke(sp?) Jensen in the House on Haunted Hill remake.

All in all, a wasted opportunity. There is just too much potential here to be used on a short.

Sorry. At first glance, this seems like an awesome script. But once you ponder on what it could've been, it far outshines what was actually written. I think a feature is the only way to fix this script, IMHO.

Although I must give you props for that last scene with Teddy, Kate, dead daddy and dead doggie. That was pure awesomeness. The first act with the recording was really good too. Other than that, I didn't really enjoy this when I considered how much better it could've turned out.

--Julio  

Hey Bert,

Nice to see something from you again.  It's been awhile.

I think I'm in agreement with Z as far as the "Tales from the Crypt" thing goes, at least in regards to this version of the script.  Although I'll admit that when Trevor reappears I immediately thought of the Ted Danson/Leslie Nielsen vignette from Creepshow.  "Hold Your Breath".

Anyway, others have mentioned wasted opportunities and the like, but I can't say I agree with them 100%.  Sure, you could delve into all of the additional aspects of this a bit more and expand this into a feature, but as it is I think everything still has its place.

I noticed more contractions in your dialogue than usual, which is a good thing.  Definitely gives it a more natural feel.

Overall, an effective short that I wouldn't mind seeing as a feature.

Spoilers below deck....

Bert, really nicely written script from you again. I enjoy reading one of your scripts because the writing is always top notch. The opening couple of scenes I thought were superb, the dialogue in the scene between Trevor and Meghan was excellent, even though it was a short scene and not much happened it really came across as being realistic and very well done and helped set the tone for the rest of the story.

I got the end and could not believe it was 25 pages, If I had took a guess I would have said it was only 10 or so, not sure what that means really but I am taking it to mean it was so engaging and well paced that time just slipped by.

I wonder if you have a fetish for animated teddy bears?

I take it that it was Kate who brought Trevor back from the dead? I feel you never really made much of that, I know you set the story up with Kate as some kind of telekinetic but felt you never really expanded on that very much so I am left unsure whether it was Kate who brought back Trevor back or not - though I am guessing it was due to the title!

One thing that I did pick up on which may be a bit petty after reading such a well written script was this line...

Quoted Text Kate exits and turns her face to the sun.  She wears thick, dark sunglasses. Kate is blind.  So she does not see the huge, white German Shepherd bounding directly towards her.

Would we know she was blind just by seeing her in dark sunglasses? Instead of saying she is blind is there not a way to show us she is blind? (not sure about the US but in the UK blind dogs are usually labradors - though maybe Jacks is not a blind/guide dog as such, maybe one way to show she is blind?) Maybe if she had a cane or something.

Also, Why does Meghan say "roll film" and we see a grainy black and white video? surely it is much more likely that they would be using a color DV camera?

Anyway great script, Look forward to seeing this on YouTube one day soon.

Thanks Murphy

Hey Bert,

I enjoyed it. This seemed to work as a televsion show like beyond belief or twilight zone. Not bad. The characters were very believeable (it felt as if I was present with them). Descriptions were as always top par. Format spot on.

SPOILERS!

Wasn't scared much, sad to say. But felt kind of sad though. Not that it didn't scared me but that Kate probably doesn't know her dad is dead yet. And oddly enough, I like that. Those are the ones that you remember most, in my opinion.

But I found the script length to best fit the story. I do not think it needs to be made into a feature unless if a sequel is coming or something else.

1. My eight year old girl can't say damn, yet your girl can say the word bitch. lol. Humour aside, that scene didn't work with me well. I'll have to look at it again to gather my thoughts about it.

2. When evie pratices her tale, i suggest removing her  fake tears. I know you try to portray her even worse by having that scene  but I think that is already done with the glass shard scene where she threatens Kate.

hope some of this helps,
Gabe

Hey Bert,

What a fun read that was?  I had no trouble picturing it as I read and most of the characters seemed complete and I could picture them as well.   The dialogue was well done and had a natural feel.  

I did have some trouble communing with Dirk but he is a minor character so it didn’t really matter overall.  The only other issue I had was the blood and tooth on the lake shore. I thought that was a bit overboard and you could have been a bit more Hitchcock with it.

The story seemed complete to me, I didn’t feel like there was any loose end or any need to expand it.  As others have said it had a ‘Tales of the Crypt’ feel to it – and that’s a good thing. I loved ‘Tales of the Crypt’.  

There are plenty of places you can market this.  Webisodes are an emerging market and you might search the net for a webisodic horror series. They are probably looking for good, inexpensive to produce, shorts – and this is one of them.  

Oh, almost forgot, I did find one silly nit.

page 7 -- bathing the room in darkness that is meaningless to her.
It would be difficult to film that it is meaningless to her.

Thank you, guys.  I found alot more here this morning than I had expected!  It will take me a while to mull over all of this, and I have kind of busy morning on tap over here.

I intentionally avoided the boards yesterday, in part to avoid obsessively checking every 15 minutes or so, but also because what I am reading here confirms some of my suspicions about this one -- that as a whole, it is somehow less than the sum of its parts.

Often a story will come together fairly quick.  This one did not.  After I popped it into my signature, I found myself struggling with it for a while, trying to pull everything together, and it kept getting longer.  Much longer than I had initially envisioned.

I will pop back on later for some specific things, but wanted to drop a blanket "Thanks!" to you guys while I had the chance.

Also, to drop a quick SPOILER QUESTION that arises from reading some of these comments.  I am concerned that something is not coming across as I intended:


Trevor and Jacks are still dead.  They are no more alive than that teddy bear.  It is not meant to be a heartwarming ending by any means.  Kate is all alone, really, and it is supposed to be horrific.  Please drop me a post or PM if you misinterpreted that point, cause it is kind of important, and I want to know.

End spoiler.

Thanks again, guys.  After I have dug myself out from the Monday morning slop I will consider some of this stuff in a little more depth.

All of it is appreciated.

Hi Bert,

I'm always up for reading your stuff, so I gave this one a look almost immediately. Although I have to say it wasn't what I had hoped.

I think you are a very gifted writer and your prose and action sequences are impeccable, however the characters and plot suffers in this one, IMO. I loved the opening scene with the re-animating teddy, and was hoping you would explore her powers some more, perhaps in a novel way, because that was really interesting. But as is, these scenes with Kate using her powers only bookend the story and aren't so much what the story is about.

I remember we were musing on whether or not you could write a good story without "themes" the other day in another discussion, and I think part of my problem with this one is that it doesn't have any. Or at least it doesn't explore them. There is a latent theme of loss, that is also mirrored by Kate's nascent powers, but instead the story focuses on a kinda clichéd plot to get rid of Kate's dad by Cruella De Vil (sorry, couldn't resist ;D) and her ambivalent nr. two. Like others are saying, I think it's been done before and didn't really hold my attention.

I liked the wine bleeding through Evie's patch though. Reminded me of Pan's Labyrinth. And the ending, in terms ofatmosphere, I liked. I sorta found the Loss theme there again. I think it could be worth exploring further.

Btw. VERY anal nitpick here: I doubt a blind girl would make the mistake of pronouncing Belgium BEL-GUM, as this is something that could be deduced based on the way it's spelled. But phonetically It's BEL-JUM.

Yes Bert. I did not get that they were still dead. I thought her powers made them come back to life.

I do also agree with Gabe about the bitch part.

Thanks to those that have checked this out.  I have read through all of these several times now, and appreciate the input.  This is the first time I have posted something where I myself felt it was less than perfect, but I could not seem to move it forward, and needed fresh thoughts.  So thanks for coming through with that.

While considering everything you guys put out there, I will just cherry-pick my way through some of these comments.

Quoted from mgj One suggestion might be to establish her abilities a little more succinctly up front.

Quoted from Gomez I would've much preferred to read about Kate's powers and her mom's death

Two of many comments along these lines -- wanting more about Kate and what she really can and cannot do.  I like that kind of stuff too, but this just kept getting longer and longer, and I found myself shoehorning "power scenes" into the mix that did not really move the story forward.  Enough of you mentioned this that it probably has merit.

Gomez is the only one (I think) who mentioned mom’s death.  I am glad that one just slipped by and was accepted by most readers.  That was another subplot sacrificed to length.

Quoted from Pia That has huge potential for the audience to fear for the girl.

Quoted from Z When a good guy is in danger, the audience is afraid for him

This goes along with previous thoughts about involving Kate more in the story.  That chase through the woods near the end was supposed to satisfy that.  She is in danger then.  But she really isn't threatened aside from that, is she?  Another good aspect that I really was not thinking about.

Quoted from Sniper A row boat would probably work better.

Indeed it would.  Good, practical comment.  And simple enough to fix.

Quoted from Sniper Don't CAP your dialogue when a simple ! does the job better. And there's certainly no need to underline it as well.

I know not to do this.  I tell people not to do it.  But then, of course, MY stuff needs it haha.  Is their anything more conceited than a writer?

Quoted from Z I’m wondering if finding a guy who looks so alike to Trevor isn’t a bit too lucky

I thought about that, but I did a lot of traveling this summer, too, and this plan occurred to me in the airport.  They really just glance at the ID.  I think “close” is close enough.  Plastic surgery?  I don't know.  Again, we are making things longer.

Quoted from Gomez She was just way too stereotypical and cartoony for me to hate her. Think Famke(sp?) Jensen...

Fair enough.  If we are playing the casting game, I was thinking Parker Posey.

Quoted from Mike Although I'll admit that when Trevor reappears I immediately thought of …Creepshow.

Guilty as charged.

Quoted from Mike I noticed more contractions in your dialogue than usual.

Yeah, that comes from you.  Thanks, it does help.

Quoted from Murphy I wonder if you have a fetish for animated teddy bears?

Um, yeah.  That one actually occurred to me, too.  Not sure what to say about that, actually.  Weird.

Quoted from Murphy Also, Why does Meghan say "roll film" and we see a grainy black and white video? surely it is much more likely that they would be using a color DV camera?

I went back and forth on that.  It was simply for the visual aspects.  I just thought it would look better.  You are right, though.  I wonder if anybody else had a problem with that aspect.

Quoted from Gabe My eight year old girl can't say d*rn, yet your girl can say the word b****.

Pia did not like it either.  I will probably take that comment on board.

Quoted from Mcornetto I did find one silly nit…bathing the room in darkness that is meaningless to her.  It would be difficult to film that it is meaningless to her.

I know.  I know.  I just can’t help myself.  See my earlier comment to Sniper.

Quoted from DM I remember we were musing on whether or not you could write a good story without "themes" the other day in another discussion, and I think part of my problem with this one is that it doesn't have any.

Yeah...this is the story I was writing when I made that comment.  And I am still considering my thoughts on that.  Loss is there, yes, but it is not really as pervasive as it might be.  Perhaps there are other characters that need to lose something.

Quoted from DM VERY anal nitpick here: I doubt a blind girl would make the mistake of pronouncing Belgium BEL-GUM, as this is something that could be deduced based on the way it's spelled. But phonetically It's BEL-JUM.

As a fellow anal-retentive, I have to say that this just might be my favorite comment.  You are so absolutely right.

Thanks again to those who took the time to check this out.  I just don’t think there is anywhere else where you can really get this kind of help, from so many different points of view.  It’s just great.

Bert,

About the boat - Trevor is a rich dude, so he probably has a yacht, a speed boat or something along those lines.

Hey Bert,



SPOILERS

I read this one a couple times. As a short I think this one is okay. It didn't seem to scare me much though, and a couple things felt off to me, too.

The things that felt off are...
I was disappointed to learn that Charlie was a bad guy.
Evie's character...
She knew Trevor loved her, but she still wanted him dead so she could have his money, be with the chauffer, and still take care of his daughter...  
Why not just get the daughter out of the way... if she was jealous of her or she was standing in the way of the money???...
and Kate being able to run through the woods.

I liked the part where the glass exploded, and the shards stabbed into Evie's face.
I would have liked to seen more along those lines. Maybe doors slamming shut, furniture moving...
See her powers start from a low point and build to the extreme.  

I think you could make this one into a feature, and make it really creepy.
Do you remember the movie, "Wait Until Dark"?
How the guys terrorized the blind woman in her own apartment.

I think you could reveal the backstory. How Kate's mother died, how Kate ended up with her powers, how Evie ended up with Trevor, and twist all of this into a feature that could be really scary.

Cindy

Hi Cindy.

You are not the only one who thinks more time could be spent with Kate.  I am a fan of that kind of stuff, too, and now I kind of wonder how I got so sidetracked with the murder plot.

I still think Evie's plan is original enough to bring something new to the table, but now I am thinking it also bogs this story down a bit -- or at least pulls it in the wrong direction.

Quoted from Cindy It didn't seem to scare me much though...

You know, despite labeling this one as a horror, I wasn’t really going for scares with this one.  That might have been a misjudgment, too.

Quoted from Cindy I think you could make this one into a feature...

I knew some people would say that, as it is already clocking 25 pages.  I am just not sure the final payoff is strong enough to support a feature.  It still feels like a short to me.
  
I am actually considering trims, mainly with regards to the murder plot, which should make room for more Kate.  I do not want it to become too much longer -- it is already stretched way beyond where I intended -- and these days it seems that anything on the shorts boards longer than 5 pages is already kind of doomed.

But then, maybe I shouldn’t be considering that as an issue, either.

Thanks for the input, Cindy.  Always nice to hear from you.  I am still pondering what I want to do with this one.

Hello, Bert.

You had to know I'd get around to this one sooner or later.  Sooner is better under the circumstances.
I agree with others that this has got to be the story of a little girl with powers.  That is a better sell, if you know what I mean.

Spoilers

B/W video?  Don't think so.  I tripped over that one at the starting gate.  Rethink.
Alternatives: We see the scene as a silhouette or as shadows on a wall.  

The scene, however, made me think of Cronenberg's "Scanners."  That's a very good thing.

-- Although I love the opening scene, as is it works against your story.
The demo should Not involve animating a stuffed animal.  It smacks of what’s to come.  I could see immediately where you were going – the  reanimation of a dead person.

How about Kate moving an object or levitating something?  Something "elementary."  Then as another writer suggested, you gradually raise the level of her powers.

--  You need only show Kate’s power on a low level for now.  Surprise us later as to how she uses the power.

"Spectators?"  Are these people Meghan's colleagues?   You might ID the institution, too.  You also don't identify Meghan by title, such as Doctor.  Keeping this in a shroud of mystery???

I thought Meghan was Kate's stepmom at first.

Meg has a Svengali-like command over the room. “She shoots an icy glare at the handful of spectators.”  On one level, she seems interchangeable with Evie. I'd leave Meghan as is and fix Evie’s character, but more on that later.

Treavor’s first line of dialogue is there for our benefit -  "is she in any danger?"  He should have asked this question waaaaaay back when.
The conversation also lacks some punch.  Perhaps Treavor (Evie) wants to pull Kate out of the experiment.
Might work because Meghan and the experiment never resurface after the opening scene.

By the way, is Kate's gift/curse in anyway genetic?  What if Meghan suggests that "sometimes" psychic powers are hereditary.  She would ask, "Are you...?"  And he might reply, "No.  However, her biological mother... "
See where I'm going with this.  
More on Mom, too.

Meghan says of Kate: "We've never seen one this strong. And she's getting stronger."
Hmm, what if she says that Meghan has powers but in similar case studies, the subject at the height of his/her powers was able to cause objects to fly across a room.

Make us think that Kate will use her powers to send daggers and stuff at her enemy. Lead us away from your true intention.

On P. 2, you tell us Kate is blind.  Show us.  Maybe when the dog jumps her and they roll on the lawn, her sunglasses are knocked off.  We see her eyes…

When Treavor and Kate return home, you might introduce Evie in character.  Such as lurking behind the curtains. Peeking out the window.  But what if she's likeable?  More on this later.

You tell us that Kate is tired after the experiment. Yet when she arrives home, she doesn’t go to her room.  
Instead we see Evie in Kate’s room, boxing photos and carrying on a conversation with Treavor.  
Transition needs Fixing.

And this is why I don’t like Treavor. He allows the wicked stepmom to box photos in his daughter’s room.  He's pitiful.  He's weak.
-- Even Kate defies Evie.  She doesn’t appear to be afraid of her – hmm, you might want to do something about this.

Does Evie believe Kate  has powers? She should address this phenomenon, unless I missed something.

Only luke warm of the scene on P. 7 with Charlie and Evie practically celebrating that they’ve found a dead-ringer for Treavor.  Again, it steals from Kate’s time on screen.

In fact the whole step-by-step murder plot really eats up too much time.  Maybe in a larger story it'll work.
One thing bothered me in particular.   Wouldn't Dirk be a loose end?
If they paid him off (cash in envelope), the guy might just skip out on them.  They should pay him 1/2 now and 1/2 on completion of the job.   Otherwise, they don't have leverage.

Also, if you lay down the plot on how they get rid of Treavor, it's not scary.  But if he winds up on the 11 o'clock news and Evie already predicted that he would not be coming home, that's creepy.  Never mind how the crime was done, if it's in the realm of believability, I think we'll buy it.

Another thought. What if Mom rises from the lake?  But I think you're married to your ending of Treavor returning.  Anyway, on P. 17, you write:  Treavor is slowly dragged beneath the surface.  The next line is dialogue of Treavor saying "... kate... "

There are a few more nagging, little (and big) things with the remainder of the script.  Others have already pointed many of those things out.  So I'll skip to some suggestions.

Think about this story very carefully, Bert.  Think about the back story.
Evie plotted to marry Treavor for the fortune, true?    With that in mind, she has calculated every step.
My first recommendation is to make Evie a Jeckyl-and-Hyde character.
She's just got to be a likable wife in Treavor's presence.  But when he's not around, she's a monster.

"Think of Me...," IMO, is about a psychological battle between two forces:  A little girl with extraordinary psychic capabilities and a woman who is a master of mind games.  And Evie has been manipulating things from the moment she came into Treavor's life.  That opens a pretty scary door, if you ask me.

For example:  What if Evie has been feeding Kate some evil thoughts.  Such as, how her mother really died.  Even if Evie and Charlie had nothing to do with the Mom's death, the suggestion might send the little girl "crying wolf."  Pretty soon, who would believe this child?
And Evie might suggest that authorities will institutionalize Kate.  If she keeps "making up lies."

I would move that scene of Kate boxing up the mom's photos until after Treavor has gone on the business trip.
This would give Evie an opportunity to torment the little girl while taking down the portraits.
And that shard of glass in the cheek could come from a shattered portrait of mom.  

What if that shard of glass takes out Evie's eye?  Would be Eye-ronic.  ;)

It would be in your best interest to demonstrate how Evie can overcome the little girl's powers.
She berates her, intimidates her, crushes her spirit, demoralizes her...   creating a level playing field.

You've removed Mom early on and followed that by killing dad.   Keep it going.   Create Kate's worst nightmare.   Remove all of her security blankets.   Jacks is next to go.  If she has a cane, that gets lost.  Furniture is moved, so the girl has trouble getting around.  Maybe the house is booby-trapped.  No phones, no TV, the fridge is emptied.   Hey, throw a snake into the works - ha.
Like Pia said, a witch and a blind girl all alone in that mansion...  could get pretty weird.

If concentration and focus fuels Kate's psychic powers, Evie has just neutralized them.

But what if Kate has a place in the house where she can't be found?  Her favorite hiding spot.

What if Kate's greatest fear is the lake?  An open body of water.  Maybe somebody she knows drowned.  If you want to keep that final scene with Treavor rising in the lake, I think Evie and Kate have to go out there.
Evie has to lure the kid  onto the row boat.  Maybe Jacks is the bait.
That could be a great scene for you to write.

Well, whatever you do, Bert, all of what is to come is tailor-made for you.
Eerie, creepy, atmospheric, they are all Bert Newcomer trade marks.   Enjoy!

Man, nothing beats getting "the treatment" from Abe, you know?  Nice to see that you still pop in to check on us from time to time.

Quoted from Abe I agree with others that this has got to be the story of a little girl with powers.  That is a better sell, if you know what I mean.

I do, and that sure seems to be the consensus.  If I were a reader, I suspect I would be saying the same thing.

Quoted from Abe B/W video?  Don't think so.

Somebody else mentioned that.  I was going for what I thought would look best visually, but yeah, I guess it just makes no sense today, does it?

Quoted from Abe The demo should not involve animating a stuffed animal.  It smacks of what’s to come.  I could see immediately where you were going...

Really?  Immediately?  Crap.  I mean, I believe you…but still.  Crap.

Quoted from Abe I thought Meghan was Kate's stepmom at first.

Having finished the story, you probably realize now that she was just a throw-away character.

Quoted from Abe Treavor’s first line of dialogue is there for our benefit...

Actually, all of Trevor’s dialogue there is for our benefit.  It is all the exposition I wanted to give this story with one, quick download.  But you are right that an anxious Trevor pulling Kate out of there would lend it a little more drama while also explaining why we never see Meghan again.  Nice spin, that.

Quoted from Abe Also, if you lay down the plot on how they get rid of Treavor, it's not scary.  But if he winds up on the 11 o'clock news and Evie already predicted that he would not be coming home, that's creepy.  Never mind how the crime was done, if it's in the realm of believability, I think we'll buy it.

Good points, all.  The lake scene with Trevor and Charlie was actually a riff I lifted from “Blood Simple”, where the guy just will not die.  But this is a "darling" that I might have to kill.

Quoted from Abe Another thought. What if Mom rises from the lake?

Mom drowned in the lake?  Hey, that is pretty good.  See -- this is the kind of stuff we pay you for, Abe.

Good thoughts on Evie, too, by the way.  Too many to quote and respond, but plenty to consider.  Kate's fear of the lake is another great angle.

Excellent stuff, Abe, and lots to work with, as usual.  Those ideas just spew outta' you like a firehose, and it is a pleasure to have it turned on one of my works.  Thanks again.

Alright.. I didn't know this was up Bert. Or else I would have read it a lot faster, but I'll give it one before I have to go to school.

SPOILERS...

Alright, haven't found a spelling error so far. I'm usually good at that, eh, your making me feel like I'm giving you a lame review.

Jesus Christ.. Trevor got the living shit beat out of him.

Why did she hit Jack with a chair? That was so unfair..

I found one spelling mistake, but it was already suggested in the earlier reviews. So I'll leave that alone.

Well... that was a nice little short. Though, obvious question probably, is Trevor dead? Thats never interpeted, and she could of saved him in time before he drowned. So I guess its possible? But anyways, I think this is your greatest short. All the characters were developed perfectly. Great stuff.

It’s been awhile since you wrote something so I figured I’d give it a read. I didn’t even know about it until I was searching through recent shorts because that’s really all people will read and saw you as the author.

It starts out quite strong with the bear and mystery surrounding it.

You forgot to describe Meghan.

Okay, so I read in response to a review that you didn’t think it could be a feature and I agree with you but it has potential to be 30 pages if not more.

The scenes with Meghan and all that are gone in a flash. It almost seems more pointless than a set-up.

I liked how it went from mystery to drama to horror/terror to action and back to horror/mystery. The ending was quite decent to as far as twists and endings go… it’s something different.

A couple problems were the girls power and the extent of that power and the relationship with the double. He just seems like a pointless add on from the wife almost like how Patrick Bateman sends the guys luggage after he kills him in American Psycho.

Did he need to? Nope. Did Evie? Probably not. (Nothing you did wrong really, just kind of like the wife and accomplices overthinking it)

As far as the girls power is concerned, it needs more of a set-up than what you have. I like where it was going but I think the readers (Me anyway) need one more visit and a little more explanation on what exactly they are doing.

I really did enjoy the script and feel like it’s a good comeback for you. I am still looking forward to the finished product of Starbuck Starr because as much as the Short section has become the hot spot to get reads the series has become the graveyard and I should know.

What I enjoyed about this short is the relationships between the father and daughter. It feels real and works. The action and script reads really fast so it’s not like a 25 page short that takes a long time to read. I also really liked Charlie, a non stereotypical black character with a decent villain role that makes you feel sorry for him. (Personally I would have liked him to be the hero and not go so… dark but that’s not what this was about and frankly that ending is cliché and not to… I can’t think of a good work but it will come to me some day.)

Quick reads are the best kind because that means you did something right.

Quoted from bert and these days it seems that anything on the shorts boards longer than 5 pages is already kind of doomed.

You're not wrong with this observation but I think it's more wide spread than just this board. It's every board. Maybe write a 5 page series where each episode you learn a little bit more so people can't say you didn't develop characters and at the same time you will... eventually.

Then you can be like "My series has 800 episodes in the first season because that's the only way I can get a read or two"

Hey Bert,

First off, I love the title for this and it fits the story perfectly.  But, just out of curiosity:  Did you get the idea for the title from the song 'Seasons in the Sun' by Terry Jacks?  It was originally 'The Dying Man', written by Jacques Brel and also performed by the Kingston Trio, the Beach Boys, and, more recently, Westlife.  Nirvana also released it as a B-side.

"Goodbye, my friend, it's hard to die
When all the birds are singing in the sky
Now that spring is in the air, pretty girls are everywhere
Think of me and I'll be there."

I've tried just to speak the title outloud, but no matter what, I always end up singing it like they do in the song.  It's just too damned catchy.

Anywho, on to the story.

I think this worked pretty well.  I knew right after the opening a dead body was going to be coming into play, I just thought it was going to be Kate's mom's corpse, until Trevor was killed.  I don't think you were going for much of a twist, though.  You had set it up pretty blatantly and I think the story could stand straight up for itself as is.  It's a very good way to end the script, the shot of Kate, her father's and her shepard's corpse all huddling together at the end.  Very strong imagery there.

I could understand how other readers wouldn't have gotten the idea that Trevor was dead, though.

First, you had Dirk shock him senseless and what-not.  Then, in the boat, when he's supposed to be dead, he awakes and begs Charlie to stop.  Charlie bashes him with an oar over and over repeatedly and he's supposed to be dead again.  Trevor still pleads for him to stop.  He's came back twice now, so it's pretty easy to see how just throwing Trevor into the lake, escpecially with his eye still staring at Charlie,  wouldn't have gotten the idea that Trevor was going to die from this across to some readers.

Speaking of Charlie and Trevor in the boat, or canoe, I noticed when Trevor was begging, you never capitalized Charlie's or Kate's name in Trevor's dialogue.

I wasn't sure if it's a rule that whenever a character's voice is muffled, you're not supposed to capitalize whenever they use proper nouns.    If it's not a rule and an honest accident, I still think it was pretty effective.  I think I might start doing it now if I have to muffle anybody's voice whether you meant to do it or not.  :-)

I also saw that some people wanted to see less Evie, or Edie, :-), and more of Kate's powers.

I think you stressed it well enough with Meghan, at least to me, that trauma hightens her ability, so no real need to get too detailed how it gets stronger and stronger.  You went from bear, to exploding coffee pot, to corpse.  That's well enough in a short.  Anything else and it would have detracted from controlling her father's corpse at the end.

While it might have seemed predictable to other writers, who, in every story, try to figure out the twist throughout, I believe there are still viewers and even readers out there who won't put to much thought into it and just let the story wash over them.  So to them, it might come off as a little bit of a surprised ending.

I have to agree with what somebody else had said, though, about the relationship between Evie and Charlie.  In my opinion, (when was the last time you saw somebody type those words out instead of abbreviating them?), I think the story might work a little better if you just have the two as accomplices together instead of lovers.  It might make their connection seem a little less muddled, anyway.

This was very good, though, IMHO.  I was absorbed from beginning to end.  Can't beat a story that does that for ya.

- Mark

These response starts right off with SPOILERS:

Quoted from Toran ...obvious question probably, is Trevor dead? Thats never interpreted

Yes, he is dead.  So is Jacks.  You are not the only one who was confused, and I appreciate you letting me know.  That one is my fault.  

Quoted from Toran I think this is your greatest short.

Thank you, Toran.  Not everybody agrees with you, but I appreciate it just the same.

Quoted from Wesley I liked how it went from mystery to drama to horror/terror to action and back to horror/mystery.

Thanks, Wes.  That is part of the reason this damn story took so long.  It was a real struggle to get everything to mesh, and in the end, maybe there is a little too much going on for 25 pages.

Quoted from Wesley ...almost like how Patrick Bateman sends the guys luggage after he kills him in American Psycho.

Shite.  Are you telling me it’s already been done?  I am going to have to check that one out.

Quoted from Wesley I am still looking forward to the finished product of Starbuck Starr.

He is next up, Wes.  But I will not start hyping it until it is almost ready to go.

Quoted from Wesley Maybe write a 5 page series where each episode you learn a little bit more...

You might be kidding, but I kind of like the idea.  You work something out and I might sign on for a few episodes.

Quoted from Mark Did you get the idea for the title from the song...

Oh, yick.  I hadn't thought of that.  Thanks for reminding me  :-/

Quoted from Mark I knew right after the opening a dead body was going to be coming into play...

Darn.  I heard that from Abe, too, so there must be something to it.

Quoted from Mark I could understand how other readers wouldn't have gotten the idea that Trevor was dead, though.  First, you had Dirk shock him senseless and what-not.  Then, in the boat, when he's supposed to be dead, he awakes and begs Charlie to stop.  Charlie bashes him with an oar over and over repeatedly and he's supposed to be dead again.  Trevor still pleads for him to stop.  He's came back twice now, so it's pretty easy to see how just throwing Trevor into the lake, escpecially with his eye still staring at Charlie,  wouldn't have gotten the idea that Trevor was going to die from this across to some readers.

I like this comment.  Good points, and I’ll bet you’re right.  I had not thought of it like that at all, but it is a great explanation.

Quoted from Mark I noticed when Trevor was begging, you never capitalized Charlie's or Kate's name in Trevor's dialogue. I wasn't sure if it's a rule…I still think it was pretty effective.  I think I might start doing it now.

It was intentional, and I just did it to emphasize how weak Trevor was.  I thought it "looked" right on the page.  I do not know if it is "legal", but we get to make our own rules from time to time.  If you really like it, feel free to steal it.  I won’t mind in the least.

Thanks for some more good thoughts on this one, guys.  When I first posted this I had some reservations of my own about the flow of this story, but I had spent too much time with it for a deconstruction.  I am getting some very good ideas about where to take this, what to keep, what to lose, and what to expand.  I really appreciate the input.

Honestly, I don't think there's anything wrong with the reanimation scene at the beginning. It's called foreshadowing. And if you don't show us she has peripheral re-animation powers how the hell are we gonna buy that she can go from breaking a cup to raising the dead? No, the teddy-bear scene needs to be there. It's the set-up.

But since people seem to get where you were going (I didn't btw), maybe you just need to rewrite it in a more subtle manner. Don't ask me how.

Quoted Text Shite.  Are you telling me it’s already been done?  I am going to have to check that one out.

I guess it depends on how you look at it. Patrick Bateman goes nuts and murders his "friend" and the pay off is that it's all in his mind and not true or at least it's left up the the imagination.

You went a little deeper than that.

Quoted Text He is next up, Wes.  But I will not start hyping it until it is almost ready to go.

Unless you don't post that in series it will have no life like 100% of the series posted. If I were you, I would post it as a short and make no internal reference to the series that exists... even going as far as axing the series from the site and just having what you're doing as a stand alone.

Of course if you're going back to the series than you can't do that but if you're doing what you said awhile back than it may work.

Quoted Text You might be kidding, but I kind of like the idea.  You work something out and I might sign on for a few episodes.

It is a good idea. I never thought of it as an idea but with a strong background story to use as a spark over time it would turn into something but people would ask as they always do with shorts "Why not just put them together as one" and really what answer can you give? Unless each 5 pager has a beginning middle and end and in that case it would make no sense placed together.


And onto the point a few people brought up where they were confused about the end. At first I was confused but thinking about it you should be able to decipher that the father is in fact dead. The dog, not so much. Badly hurt but not dead.

Bert,

I really enjoyed this.  Like others have said, it reminded me of Tales From the Crypt or some similar serial.

Horror/Supernatural is not my thing; however, I couldn't stop reading this.  Your writing style is wonderful, and I really enjoyed how you injected nature (frogs, herons).  The line about Jacks turning Charlie's neck into fajita meat was great.

My only problem is that I didn't see what Trevor saw in Evie/Edie.  I think you would need to show some attraction or affection to sell the relationship.  Other than that, a very entertaining read and a great way to show newbies like myself how to write.

Quoted from Old Time Wesley It is a good idea. I never thought of it as an idea but with a strong background story to use as a spark over time it would turn into something but people would ask as they always do with shorts "Why not just put them together as one" and really what answer can you give? Unless each 5 pager has a beginning middle and end and in that case it would make no sense placed together.

Jumping in here and kinda hijacking the thread, but I wanted to offer my two cents on this.

I think it could work, and would probably work best, if treated something like a comic strip.  Not to say that it has to be comedic, but if you use the same characters and what not, you could get away with it being a "short" short series, without being prodded to merge the episodes together.

Quoted from TJ I don't think there's anything wrong with the reanimation scene at the beginning. It's called foreshadowing. It's the set-up.

Thanks for echoing my own thoughts on that.  I am pretty fond of the opening sequence, and the way it bookends the piece.  In this genre, I suppose there will always be horror fans that "get it" right away -- whether they are overthinking or just by instinct.  This is one of those instances times where it will be impossible to please everybody, so I'll have to stick with what I think works best.

Quoted from Wesley ...a few people…were confused about the end. At first I was confused...

This part definitely needs to be fixed, though.  Thanks for speaking up on it, Wes.  It helps to know where things aren’t clear.

Quoted from Wesley Unless you don't post that in series it will have no life like 100% of the series posted.

I think you just need to keep the series active, or it withers on the vine.  You cannot keep people waiting forever.  Lunchroom is really good about that, and if those writers actually hung around, I am sure they would be rolling in readers.

Quoted from Shelton I think it could work

I do, too.  Maybe the seeds of a collaborative effort are in the works.  It would need a great hook, though.

Quoted from Yosef I really enjoyed how you injected nature (frogs, herons).

  

Hey, somebody mentions my aspirations towards something literary!  Yes, the life and death of the denizens of the lake were supposed to mirror the life and death surrounding our characters.  Whether or not the symbolism actually works...eh, I really do appreciate your commenting on it, though.

Quoted from Yosef I didn't see what Trevor saw in Evie/Edie.  I think you would need to show some attraction or affection to sell the relationship.

Argh!  That typo is really f***ing with my OCD.  The relationship between those two is a bit shallow here, and that may just be a function of the length.  If I can flesh that out without being dull, it may well be something to consider.

Thanks for the kind words, Yosef.  A nice way to start the morning.

Hey Bert, just finished your script and it was pretty good.  First off I like the title a lot, I think it it's pretty clever.

Your story, in a way, reminded me a bit of Firestarter, a little girl with special powers, and a dead mom, but I think that's all it has in common, the story goes in a completely different direction.  Also the teddy bear made me think of the teddy bear in A.I who was also named Teddy.

I think the story itself works quite well, but I think I would rather it have been a feature and stretch in out, at least IMO.  I would have liked to have more of a set up with Trevor and his daughter, they really only have one scene together at the kitchen table, I wanted to know more about these two.  Movies like the exorcist and the sixth sense had an added dread because we get to see the characters in their real life before the bad things start to happen.  So maybe if we got to see more of them together it would build more suspense when the shit hits the fan.

I hated Evie from the start and it was hard for me to see how Trevor liked her at all, she has absolutely no good qualities, at least none that I saw, maybe make her nice at first, or appear to be nice, then when we see what she is up to it is more of a shock.

Charlie seemed unbalanced for me, I would have liked to see him stronger, not physically, but mentally.

Loved the ending, it was funny in a way but haunting, I think it was a perfect way to end your story.

all in all a good story that I wish was a little more fleshed out, but in a short that is hard to do, but I do think this would work as a feature.

Hi Jordan

Quoted from The boy who could fly Your story, in a way, reminded me a bit of Firestarter, a little girl with special powers, and a dead mom

It always seems to come back to King, doesn't it?  I could do worse though, I suppose.

Quoted from The boy who could fly I think the story itself works quite well, but I think I would rather it have been a feature and stretch in out, at least IMO...I hated Evie from the start and it was hard for me to see how Trevor liked her at all...maybe make her nice at first,

Yeah, a couple of people have said that.  But I just do not think the end is strong enough to support a feature.  Any lengthening will certainly have to take into account the relationship between Trevor and Evie, though.  

Quoted from The boy who could fly Charlie seemed unbalanced for me, I would have liked to see him stronger, not physically, but mentally.

Hmm....I have not heard that one before.  The murder was supposed to have screwed him up, and during the third act, he was in a fractured mental state.  Maybe you picked up on that?

Quoted from The boy who could fly Loved the ending, it was funny in a way but haunting.

Thanks, Jordan.  There is some humor there, of a cruel sort.  And thank you also for taking the time to drop some thoughts on this one.

A great read. The set up was fantastic and I loved the idea. A few minor things you may have caught already:

pp.1 "The bear does not move" seems a little too much description since we have no idea what is about to happen. "Nothing happens" maybe?

pp.2 Kate apologizes and I was instantly rooting for her. Awesome.

pp.8 Typo- TREVOR "Just for A week."

pp.10 Formatting CHARLIE ...Grimaces...

pp.17 Would Charlie really be having such a hard time if he had obviously been planning this whole event?

pp.22 Typo- Edie (Evie)

The ending left a little to be desired. It wrapped up, but somehow felt like it needed more. I always have a hard time with endings.

Anyway, that's my two cents. Great work. One of the best I've read here on SS.

James

Thank you for the kind words, James, and welcome to the boards.

Quoted from James R "The bear does not move" seems a little too much description since we have no idea what is about to happen. "Nothing happens" maybe?

Hey, that is subtle, but definitely a great catch.  Good comment.  Will definitely be changed.

Quoted from James R Would Charlie really be having such a hard time if he had obviously been planning this whole event?

But the plan had gone awry.  I guess the point was that hiring a murder and committing it yourself are two different things.  Charlie had signed on for one, but not the other.

Quoted from James R The ending left a little to be desired.

Thanks for your frankenss, there.  So noted.  It is strong in my head, but not yet translating to the page, I think.  Several people have missed the point that Trevor and Jacks are still dead, and that is my fault.

  

Thank you again, James, for taking the time to post your comments and thoughts.  I appreciate it.

Somehow this one got past me. I don't know how but it did. After this long, I think I should've noticed a new Robert Newcomer script. Anyway, on with the review...

- I think there should be some description of the examination room/facility. I have no idea what kind of place this is.

- Even though she's blind, Kate would still have been able to sense Jacks coming at her. She'd still get tackled, of course, but I still think she needs to react somehow.

pg. 6 - "They're gone." Stating the obvious, don't you think?

- Okay... he blinks "as if his eyes might be deceiving him." A perfectly legitimate reaction to something out of the ordinary but I still think you need more here. Trevor's basically seeing himself here. This doesn't exactly happen every day :P.

pg. 16 - As much as I dig the description of the tooth, how could it get knocked out if Trevor's mouth is only "partially free?"

pg. 22 - Hehe. "Fajita meat." That's a new one.

- Under the circumstances, I don't think Evie would be able to bring herself to slap Trevor. I'm pretty sure she'd be far too busy being petrified.

Well, this was definitely a script I'm glad to have checked out. Part of the fun in reading it was I wasn't exactly sure where the story was going to end up, despite the tone. At no point did it feel predictable as I had no idea what kind of horror script I was reading. In the end, I guess you were going for something comic book-esque. Zombie Trevor is straight out of Creepshow. However, at the same time, I don't think this really had a Creepshow feel. You played it pretty straight for the most part and the relationship you created between Kate and Trevor was so strong, I actually bought in the end that Kate would hug her smelly, wet, zombified dad. It was quite a touching scene that could so easily have been unintentionally comical. In fact, I think a lot of the scenes were emotionally taught. Trevor's death, in particular, was painful to read but not in a brutal slasher sort of way. I really felt for his character.

Anyway, this wasn't exactly what I expected (even though I didn't really know what to expect). This was horror, for sure, but there were a lot more emotions going on here other than fear. At the end of the day, I think that's good. Focusing more on character development than scares or even atmosphere I think paid off big time. Overall, this was a pleasure to read. Thanks, Bert and great job!

Thanks, James.  Our thoughts usually match up so well that I always appreciate your time for some comments.

So it is funny to me that you latched onto this one, as this was a big sticking point for me, too:

Quoted from James McClung Under the circumstances, I don't think Evie would be able to bring herself to slap Trevor. I'm pretty sure she'd be far too busy being petrified.

I do not think anybody commented on this yet, as I was actually looking for such a comment, and was surprised not to find one.

It does seem almost absurd, and she went through dozens of lines there.  Scared, apologetic, sweet-talking -- but none of them felt true to her character.  The slapping came from asking "What would this chick really do?"  If you really think on it, for this queen-bitch, anger is the only emotion that feels honest for her.

Other comments duly noted, and appreciated.    

Quoted from James McClung Zombie Trevor is straight out of Creepshow...

Indeed he is haha.  Shelton caught that, too.

Quoted from James McClung ...this wasn't exactly what I expected (even though I didn't really know what to expect). This was horror, for sure, but there were a lot more emotions going on here other than fear.

It did not turn out like I expected it to either, but looking back, I am pleased with how it ended up.  It is a bit of a departure from how I usually do things.  There have been some good suggestions I must incorporate, but the spine of this story will remain much the same, I think.

Always good to hear from you, James.  Thanks again.  And I cannot freakin' wait to see "Abattoir".

I haven't been on the boards in a while, but I was poking around and found this script. I'm glad I did because I really liked it. Like other people have said, I related it to a Twilight Zone/Tales from the Crypt story. It wasn't until I started reading other people's responses that I thought about some of my own. I haven't read them all, so maybe all of these have already been said but:

Would a blind girl have the lights on in her bedroom? Or notice to turn them off before bed? That just stuck with me, though it's kind of nit-picky.

I figured Trevor and Jacks were dead... only because I was thinking "There's no way they survived that" not because of any clues though through further thinking it does make sense with the teddy bear. But to make it more obvious, maybe if in the end when Trevor, Kate and Jacks were in the moonlight, a police officer or someone calls out to them and Trevor and Jacks fall down just like the teddy bear and don't move.

Hey, thank you, Impulse.  Nice to see you popping back in from time to time, and I appreciate your thoughts here.

Quoted from Impulse Would a blind girl have the lights on in her bedroom? Or notice to turn them off before bed? That just stuck with me, though it's kind of nit-picky.

No, it is not nit-picky at all.  It is a fair question, and there have been a couple of instances where people have asked why or how a blind girl would do something.

Not being blind, I have discovered with this piece that it is a challenge to use a blind character and get all of the details just right.  Your example is one of a few buried in this script, and thanks for pointing it out.

Quoted from Impulse I figured Trevor and Jacks were dead... only because I was thinking "There's no way they survived that" not because of any clues though...

It is nice to know you picked up on it.  Not everybody does, and that is my fault.  Your approach is a good idea to help clarify things, but I would hate to lose the final shot in the script by carrying things forward, even a little bit.

For this story, all I really started with was the opening shots and the final shot, and than had to fill in all the blanks in between.  I do need to clarify what is going on there, but I fear I might be too attached to that final fade to sacrifice it.  I will have to think some more.

Thanks again, Impulse, for your thoughts, and for picking up one of my stories when you popped in to say hello.

Hi Bert,

See, I always get around to the stuff on my to-do list, it just sometimes takes a little while.  

The premise of the story is outstanding.  In fact I think it has all the technical ingredients to be something spectacular.  As it stands now, though, I felt there were some major potholes that should probably be covered up.  Each character in here is distinguishable, which is good, but the links that bring them together just aren't there.  Evie and Charlie, right?  The chemistry wasn't there.  They exchange a kiss at one point, but aside from that, their whole relationship seemed completely out of left field...like instead of hitting the ball to left field, the left fielder picked it up and threw it into the bleachers.  Like, what's going on here?  Their relationship is a key aspect in their whole murder plan, but as it stands it's not strong enough. I think throwing in some other clues about their relationship would have helped glue it together.

And what can you say about a chick like Evie?  She succeeded immensely in her evil tactics, but it's like I've seen it before.  I've seen the two-face who is sweet to the husband(who's rich) and then suddenly a devil to her step daughter.  But then I guess you gotta take into consideration, well, how else is a character like her supposed to come off as?  It's an area to explore, but as it is now it felt cliche.

As always in your scripts, the imagery is something else.  Very vivid and includes exponential details that you probably wouldn't find in 95% of other scripts, such as the whole toad-audience bit, but it works here and it works well.  At the end you truly did do a terrific* job of creating this really gut-wrenching feeling, like holy crap, how can this situation get any worse for these people.  And how Trevor didn't die after the numerous beatings and referring back to his eye on Charlie, that was haunting.  When Trevor rises from the lake again, the whole idea of the title comes into play and suddenly in you get this brief glimmer of happiness for an otherwise unhappy ending.  

*I asterisked terrific for a reason.  Evie smashed the dog with a chair?  Then she shoots the dog?  No.  I'm sorry, no good at all.  Bert, come on, you already created this sense of dread here and you know you could have done a million and one more things to further enhance that other than this.  Do whatever the hell you want to the humans, but don't shoot the dog.  On the big screen, does the audience really want to see that?  I remember a discussion on the boards long ago about shocks and thrills and stuff you shouldn't do, and I recall killing an animal being on top of that list.  Now, what some yahoo writes in a list of what you should and shouldn't do is always debatable, but killing an animal will always get that cheap OMGERZ feeling...especially a dog.  That was no good at all for me.  I know your intentions were good, but I couldn't swallow that.

Overall there was a good amount of info but it was tied together well enough to make it breeze by.  The dialogue was fine, but it was who was talking which I think should be tweaked.  The story works, so stick to it and maybe one day this teddy bear can be as epic as another famous one on the site.

Wow, another teddy bear. Good bear, here. Bad bear, "The Farm". I don't think you can get away with two of these.

Why not have it a Raggedy Ann doll? Leave the bear for Ty.

If you want it clear the little girl's all alone in the end, she could reach for her dad, but he sinks into the water. The dog gives Kate a final wag of his tail, then collapses. The doll makes it to her lap, moves no more. She and the doll's painted smile are alone in the moonlight.  

Her powers are proved momentary and limited.

*Spoilers*

Damn, Bert.  First The Farm, and now this.  What, were you traumatized by a teddy bear when just a child??   ;D

Okay.  Since you liked the short n' sweet synopsis last time, here's the really, really good stuff, re: visuals and general aspects of the script:

Bathing the room in darkness that is meaningless to her.

I actually like the fact that the "cheating" couple is inter-racial. Adds a bit of color (NO pun intended) to the script...and bit of additional personality.

Trevor gradually disappears beneath loop after loop of tape

p. 16 - the tooth

Fajita Meat.  Nice.

The transition between the spinning swing and the spinning tire on the car.

I even liked Evie.  She's a cartoon villianness, but it works, nonetheless.  Charlie's got more depth  - I like the fact that *he's* not a one-note baddie.

A few things I'd personally change:

No WAY would Trevor bob for a few seconds on the surface.  Nice visual, but...  Actually, if you have him tear free of some of the tape and tread water, that works better later, when he has to be free enough to walk out of the lake.

p. 24  - he's already here, you bitch!  Katie's just too young and innocent (IMHO) to use that line.  Just have her scream for her Daddy, and let her subconscious do the rest...

Trevor's eye shouldn't soften.  He's not alive - he's just a meat puppet at this stage, jerked around by Katie's emotions.  Have his eyes glazed, dull.

And me?  I'd like it a LITTLE more macabre as the dead things come out of the woods to keep Katie company at the end.  Have her rock in place, and say something like You won't leave me now, right?  Like Mommy did?  

Though: just read Monette's idea and like it too.  Maybe: have the bodies slow down and collapse, as Katie's fear subsides.  Leaving her all alone at the end.    THEN have her deliver that line.  Please don't leave me now.  Like Mommy did....

Just a few cents.  :)  As usual, though, VERY nice writing.

Another one from 2008 by my stalker haha.  I was particularly happy to find this one bumped up this morning.  

I have always been particularly fond of the work in this one -- and think it kind of gets overlooked because it is just too long for most readers looking for a short.

I would not want to cut it, though.

Quoted from wonka Were you traumatized by a teddy bear when just a child??

I have no idea where that comes from.  Perhaps someday -- as suggested by my buddy Greg up there -- I shall write my teddy bear epic.  (Greg, if you are looking, I have no idea why I did not respond to your comments.  Something must have been going on.  Thanks, Greg).

Quoted from wonka I even liked Evie.

Going back and reading this today for the first time in a couple of years, so do I.  I like her much more than I remember liking her at the time.  What a bitch haha.

Quoted from wonka Katie is  just too young and innocent...to use that line.

Completely agreed.  Reading this today, I wonder what I was thinking.  Definitely something else there.

As for that final shot -- I know exactly what I am going for, but I have thus far failed to capture it in words.

Thanks again, Wonka.  It has been fun revisiting some of my old stuff.  I really appreciate it.

This was bumped onto my radar, and I know Bert's writing always makes for an easy read. Did not disappoint at all in that regard.

In addition to being well written, the story built tension and suspense at a professional level. 30 pages, and barely a dull moment to be found.

As the story progressed, I expected that my only criticism would be that the wicked step mom is kind overdone. But, though well worn, it does work as a archetype, so why not.

My first real objection came when Evie voiced her planned explanation to authorities about what happened. To force this character to voice her thoughts out loud I thought detracted from the believability of her character. And it really wasn't needed either. IMO I would scrap that.

I had trouble with the ending and how things tied up. I will have to go back and read comments, see if things are explained there. I am not sure what exactly her powers are. She can animate inanimate objects(Teddy), give her father some kind of powers which allow his survival, and I think save the dog, shot three times and no worse for the wear.

(Was this the Teddy from the farm? JK)

I am left not really sure how I feel about this script. Because it was well written and carried the suspense throughout, it was a very enjoyable read. But the end kind of gave me a WTF feeling. I probably missed something important that connected it all.

I was a big fan of Steven King's Firestarter. Read it when I was a kid. This reminded me of that at the start. It didn't go in that direction. I will read other posts after supper.

Bert old buddy!

Another fluid read, another strong narrative.
I enjoyed this a lot after meditating on the ending.
I think something in Trevor's farewell to Kate could sell your ending better.
It's one of the strongest conclusions I've read to your work.
Trevor and Kate can find a way to ram it home for everyone though.
And whatever that catch phrase is, can be echoed by your ending.
Maybe even down in a spectral voice over as her "protectors" surround her.

There's a few things that don't make much sense, but I didn't care really.
The story moves along so well, there was something good to overshadow it.
Makes little to no sense to polarize Kate so much by Evie's pre-murder actions.
The romance motivator is a tad flat, maybe Charlie needed the money for his family.
I can see Charlie choosing his family, a sick daughter, over his loyal boss.
But Charlie seemed the type to never hurt a child, as written.
It would make more sense to me if Charlie did it to save his ailing kid or something.

To your ending, it took me half a beat to absorb it all, Teddy sealed the deal.
It works very well, with the aforementioned farewell tweak, it may be even better.

Regards,
E.D.

Hey, thanks for looking, guys!

Quoted from leitskev My first real objection came when Evie voiced her planned explanation to authorities about what happened. To force this character to voice her thoughts out loud I thought detracted from the believability of her character. And it really wasn't needed either. IMO I would scrap that.

I know what you mean.  She is supposed to be kind of "rehearsing" the lines for later, but you do make a good point -- I wonder if anybody would even miss it if it were to be deleted.  Maybe it is just the author overthinking things.

Quoted from leitskev I had trouble with the ending and how things tied up.

You were not the only one who was left scratching their head, and that is my fault, not yours.  What I am going for is that Dad and the dog are every bit as dead as that teddy bear -- all of them drawn to Kate as she kind of "short circuits" in this scenario.

So they are all there but she is still totally alone.  It is supposed to be kind of happy and horrible all at once.

Quoted from E.D. I think something in Trevor's farewell to Kate could sell your ending better.

You mean something at breakfast that morning, that comes back and pays off later?  That is not a bad idea at all, though I probably would not go for having him actually vocalize anything.

You are also correct that what is driving Charlie throughout this story is kind of muddy, and Evie does not seem like quite enough.

I wanted to give Charlie additional layers -- particularly as Evie was such a one-note bitch -- but the page count was already reaching way beyond what I had originally planned on.  I do give him second thoughts, but some deeper motivation is something to think on for sure -- provided it can be accomplished quickly without adding too many pages.

I appreciate the thoughts guys, particularly given the length of this piece.  Thanks again.

I understand it better now. I basically got it the first time, the reanimation/animation. I wonder it it might make sense to scrap Teddy, and have her reanimate some dead thing in the lab? Animating a stuffed animal is a tough reach. In the Farm, Teddy was possessed if I recall, which makes sense. If you can animate a Teddy bear, why not a toaster, or a basketball? Just a thought, I know there's no need to get too deep here. The effect you want at the end is the girl, isolated, discovering the limits of her powers, animating things she loves. And that's the effect you achieved, so no need to change.

One more suggestion/idea. If you are going to stick with this route, maybe a small expansion at the beginning in the lab to set up better. I don't think I had the sense of Teddy coming to life so much as her manipulating the toy. You could do this in two ways I can think. One would be to have Meghan discuss that the girl is actually animating it. Or even better, you could have Teddy demonstrate some independence of action, which would imply he is more animated then manipulated. Maybe when the girl is distracted in the lab, someone brings in cookies, and she isnt paying attention to Teddy, he does something on his own. That would be creepy too.

Hi guys-

Throwing in my 2 cents on this one...

Actually, I like that Evie thinks outloud what she'll tell the police.  (Otherwise, how the heck is she going to explain that the girl got shot?)  Probably wouldn't miss it if it were taken out, but it's a nice detail, nonetheless.

Re: the reanimation issue.  Correct me if I'm off on this one..but from my takeaway on the story, Kate *was* manipulating the bear (and Dad, and Jacks) - though on a subconscious level.  IE: there's no spark of life left in them, they're just being driven by her mind...

Let's battle it out Wonks!

The problem with thinking out loud like that is this: who does that? It just seems like a way of voicing the character's thoughts because there was no other way to get them out for us to see. The times when people think out loud is rare: maybe taking a shower, taking a walk. Not when your adrenaline is cranking and your murdering your new family for their money. When you see that, it takes you out of the movie. Might as well just do subtitles.

You could be right on the reanimation. I would have to go back and read. If you are right, then the father acts with no emotion or independent thought when he kills the wife. And the dog should probably not be wagging his tail, but acting in a stiff, forced manner. But if this is the intent, it works because Bert wanted to create an overwhelming sense of her isolation at the end.

Just another thought: if she is reanimating these creatures, will he buried mom be next?

Hey Leit -

Well, I wouldn't call it a battle...'cause it wouldn't kill me to read it the other way.  

BUT - I would argue that when the mind is churning (and the adrenaline cranking) it's *more* likely (for me at least) to think out loud.  At work, I'm much more likely to bitch audibly when the situation's got me really pissed.  And when I'm working on a particularly complex chain of reasoning, I'm more likely to think it out loud then, too.  (A colleague had me figuring out LSAT questions the other day.  The minute it got difficult, I started talking it out loud to try the logic on for size.)

I do think I'm right re: the reanimation.  (Bert, this is your baby, weigh in!)  Re: the return of Mom.  Theoretically, you'd be right.  Of course, that depends on where she's buried, and how far Kate's psychic reach actually is.  (And I do agree - Dad and Jacks shouldn't be showing any emotion.  They're animated dead weight.)

Haha...you two are very silly.

But seeing as you have initiated a Battle Royale, I am pleased to split the title.

Round 1 -- Thinking aloud -- goes to Leitskev:  I originally put this in to deflect comments like, "Well, how is she gonna get away with all this stuff?"  I wanted to show that she was still plotting and scheming -- how Jacks actually provided a perfect cover story -- and how she maybe could get away with it.

It seemed important at the time, but two years removed from the story, I am no longer sure it is necessary -- and I think if it were flat-out removed it would not even be missed -- except by that small population that tends to overthink things.  As I do.

Round 2 -- Reanimation -- goes to Wonka:  Like the lady says, Trevor and Jacks are just meat.  Kate is a telekinetic, and heightened emotions accelerate her power.  The bear is just a doll walking, with no thought or reason.  So are Jacks and Trevor.  I do give Trevor a little extra at the end just for the sake of the story -- to defend Kate -- and that may be complicating things.  But it did not seem too much of a reach to imagine there might be some remnants of Trevor that remain just by instinct.

But that final shot -- Kate might as well be surrounded by stuffed animals.  That is the happy/horrible moment where she has everybody and no one all at once.

It certainly helps to clarify one's thoughts putting them into writing like this, so thanks for that.

I did toy with the idea of Mom, by the way, but could never get it to work.

I am convinced.

Wonks, until we meet again on the field of battle!

;D  (And thanks to Bert, for putting up with us!)

Hi Bert,

I read it. Liked the girl's powers a lot and liked the way they played out at the end.

I couldn't believe Charlie would do that. --the guy was listening to la cucaracha - you introduced him as amiable and Kate loved him. How Kate couldn't sense the bad in him?

Also it's obvious from the very beginning that Elvie is using him. But not to Charlie apparently, he was too taken with her perhaps...
Elvie was too soap operish. She wanted money, got close with the driver... - it's a bit no mystery character or scenario.

But like I said, Kate and her powers were great and that's what the story is about.

I didn't understand why Dick had to call and hang up. That didn't pay off I think unless I missed something.

Dick had to call to establish that he flew, so they wouldn't be looking around home, I think.

Edit: I am replying here so not to dominate portal; Khamana, I think the call is to make sure. Who knows who will see him. Bert likes to make sure all the loose ends are tied up. My only issue with that part when I read it is that the imposter had no incentive to make the call if he got paid already. Maybe they were paying later, I forget. I'm sure there's a reason.

Oh, okay. Got it. Why to call though - someone had to see him there and that would be it.

Thanks, Kevin. Read the revised explanation - got it. --I was just curious to know.

Thanks, Khamanna.  I get what you are saying about Charlie, and sometimes it is difficult to balance a character like that -- are you adding additional layers to his character or is he acting inconsistently?

Evie, on the other hand, was meant to be totally over-the-top wicked.  I suspect if you read more comic books you would recognize her character for the cartoon that she is.

Funny conversation between you and leiskev.  I was in "perfect crime" mode when writing this, and the phone call was just one more thing to establish his presence overseas through phone records.  Maybe not necessary, maybe overkill, but just part of the plan.

Whether it would all work, I have no idea, but to add a bit to that conversation, here is my "Work in Progress" thread where I asked SS members for help concocting a bloodless murder that would leave no traces (for Trevor):

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-workinprogress/m-1192382407/

It was a bit alarming how readily the ideas came forth from this crew  :) , but you will also find the decision made that ultimately worked its way into the script.

Hi Bert -

Not to go *slightly* off topic, but who does your posters?  Pretty good stuff (especially for "Them That's Dead".)

Quoted from wonkavite Not to go *slightly* off topic, but who does your posters?  Pretty good stuff (especially for "Them That's Dead".)

You really think they're that good?  I thought some of them were a little crude, and they are basically just a Google Image search with a little Photoshop.  I think I am getting a little better with practice, though.  I have a new one for "The Farm" going up soon where I tried a few new techniques.

But heck, you should see what Cornetto can do.  He's, like, a geek king with those, and didn't you do a couple for Phil?

Anyways, here is another link where people can put up the posters they have made for their scripts. Some of the links are dead, may be time to clean those out, but some of the work there is pretty impressive:

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/m-1190561532/

Well, I admit that the poster for Think of Me, and Salvage are pretty basic.  But they've got good composition.  A little tweaking with the lighting, and they'd *really* work.  But Them That's Dead is downright *good*.  

And yes, I am the artist behind Phil's stuff.  (J-Pug, too, for what it's worth.)  That's what happens when you've got a background in FX....  :)

Bert, I went to that thread, but locked now I think. Have to reply here. But as someone suggested, carbon monoxide is the way to go. Can run a hose from tailpipe to window, use some ducttape to seal a little on the pipe. Won't take long.

Beyond that would need to know circumstances. Let's say this is a guy killing his girl friend. He could tie her up in the car. Make a sex game even. Then use the hose. Or even just leave her in the garage with it closed. Her death will be painless.

You could even trick a lot of people. Tell them to wait in the garage, start the car. I think it would take 20 minutes for weakness to set in, would have to research. Once they are weak, they would be easy to handle, but would have to be careful.