Grim-Reaperess by Elisabeth Dubois (elis) - Short, Supernatural, Comedy - What gift will a mother give to her daughter, on her 20th birthday? 10 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey elis,


This was a really neat short. The title caught me "Reaper" because I watch the show Dead Like Me (it's my favorite show) and I just wanted to read it, even if it ended up not how I thought it would. But it was still good.


I thought the ending was really cool, how Susan has the baby, and when she names it, she has the child, the child grows, and Susan goes back to being an infant. I thought that would be an awesome thing to see. At first, this confused and I was like, "What the heck is going on here!?" (kind of like how Susan felt) but then at the end I understood everything and I thought it was really neat. This is a very good original piece you have here (well, at least it's something I haven't heard of before. :P). Good job.

Sean

Hey elis,

That was creative and inventive and funny.  I liked the strange biological clocks and the birth scene was quite well done.  

I have two issues with it the first of which is the tone.   It was hard for me to tell what you were going for tone wise and I almost felt guilty about laughing at the Susan injected humour.  Until I checked and found out it was supposed to be a comedy.  I almost think this would be much better if you left out the humour and went for creepy.

The second was the name Susan.  The name Susan is given to a Terry Pratchett character that is the granddaughter of Death - or in other words - the grim reaper.  Even though your character is totaly different there would be enough people that would associate her with the Terry Pratchett character.  I would recommend changing her name for this reason.

Otherwise nicely done as always - good to see that you are getting a chance to write.

Don,
Thank you for posting the script,
Cheers


Zombie Sean,
Thank you for the read and the review.

I'm glad you enjoyed it. It started off as an idea and got more twisted as I went along.

Thank you for the feedback.


Michael,
A total coincidence with the name 'susan', but a wise idea, I will change the name in the rewrite.

Thanks for reading.

It was one that I managed to do over a couple of nights.
I have been dying to write something lately, but as you know, not much spare time.

I appreciate your honest feedback; not sure if I want to make this a serious piece, I thought maybe more humour would be better.

It never was meant to be scary.

Hey Elis,

I've read this a couple times, but there's still a couple things that don't quite make sense to me and I was hoping you could clear them up.

Okay.  First off.  The opening scene was a dream sequence, right?  I'm just not too sure, because you seem to ground it at first like real life with the nurse and everything, then odd things happen and Susan wakes up in bed, and now this seems like real life.  Then, her mother shows up and whisks her away into the crypt.  It seems to me like the crypt was a dream, too.

Because of the opening dream sequence, if that's what it was, to me, it melts into just another dream and you never draw a line between reality and dream.

I was also very confused, and I'm sure the viewer watching this on screen would be also, whether the opening scene was a dream or not, is why and/or how Mother and Daughter were both the same age, twenty.

Another thing that I didn't understand, and I'm sure it's only me because Zombie Sean and Mcornetto seem to have gotten it, but I didn't understand why Susan had to go back to being an infant and Shamaya all of a sudden was twenty and Shamaya had to raise Susan, her mom, I think? for eighty years as an infant.

This is very creative and original, which is why I was hoping you could help me out with this.  I'd like to read it again (I think it'll be my fifth time reading it) while actually understanding it the whole way through.

- Mark

Hi Mark

Quoted from rc1107 Hey Elis, I've read this a couple times, but there's still a couple things that don't quite make sense to me and I was hoping you could clear them up. Okay.  First off.  The opening scene was a dream sequence, right? I'm just not too sure, because you seem to ground it at first like real life with the nurse and everything, then odd things happen and Susan wakes up in bed, and now this seems like real life  - Mark

The first and second scene are both part of Susan’s dream sequence.
A dream within a dream.
Susan believes she is dreaming about her own last minutes of life, only to be woken up by the doctor’s voice, where she realizes that it’s really her mother that is dying.

Then, in real time, she wakes up in a start.
There are no more dream sequences after that.

Quoted from rc1107 Then, her mother shows up and whisks her away into the crypt.  It seems to me like the crypt was a dream, too. - Mark

The next couple of scenes alternate between Susan and her supposed mother, Camilla, allowing us to find out a little about them.

Then Camilla appears in Susan’s room, supernaturally of course; leaving Susan to believe that her mother has somehow snuck in quietly to surprise her for her 20th birthday.

In the sequence where Camilla grabs hold of Susan’s hand and disappears, Susan becomes disorientated, obedient, almost trance-like.
As Susan is shown and led inside the crypt, she  believes that it is all a dream.

Quoted from rc1107 I was also very confused, and I'm sure the viewer watching this on screen would be also, whether the opening scene was a dream or not, is why and/or how Mother and Daughter were both the same age, twenty. - Mark

The ending reveals why they are of similar age.

When Camilla was birthed, she was supernaturally matured to the age of 20 before being released into the world then, she never ages and remains that age until summoned on her 100th year.

Susan, is also a supernatural being and is  the mother of all grim-reaperess.
She does not age until 80 mortal years have passed; then, as she ages, she naturally assumes that Camilla is her mother.
Upon rebirth, Susan has no recollection of her previous experiences.

Quoted from rc1107 Another thing that I didn't understand, and I'm sure it's only me because Zombie Sean and Mcornetto seem to have gotten it, but I didn't understand why Susan had to go back to being an infant and Shamaya all of a sudden was twenty and Shamaya had to raise Susan, her mom, I think? For eighty years as an infant. - Mark

This is a sequence of event that Susan endures every 100 years; she remains an infant for eighty years then, begins to mature.
Upon the age of 20, she mates  with the demon, this starts the whole 100 year process all over again.
Camilla was Susan's last child; Shamaya, will be her next and all the other names on the crypt wall, were once her children as well.
Sorry, this confused you.

Quoted from rc1107 This is very creative and original, which is why I was hoping you could help me out with this.  I'd like to read it again (I think it'll be my fifth time reading it) while actually understanding it the whole way through. - Mark

I hope the next read won’t be as confusing.
I hope I have cleared the script up for you, let me know whether I have or not.
I thank you for the read(s) and appreciate you taking interest enough to try to work it out.
It is my first draft so I will revise and see how I can make the sequences clearer.

Thanks again for the read Mark  ;)

It's me again.  :-)

Okay.  I have a little bit of a better grip on the story now.  There are still a few things I can't get through my thick male skull, but I got the main drift of everything now.

See, not all guys think that we know everything.  We just know that we know a lot more than girls.   :o   Thank God you're in Austrailia right now, so you can't punch me.   :P

Pretty much the only question I have now is why the demon had to bring it forward eight years.  And also, if the Reaperess' live normal human lives, with husbands and everything, and if the husbands and/or friends notice that they never age.

Thank you very much for clearing mostly everything up for me.  It did help a lot.

- Mark

Quoted from rc1107 It's me again.  :-) Okay.  I have a little bit of a better grip on the story now.  There are still a few things I can't get through my thick male skull, but I got the main drift of everything now. See, not all guys think that we know everything.  We just know that we know a lot more than girls.   :o   Thank God you're in Austrailia right now, so you can't punch me.   :P - Mark

LMAO Too much of a lady to do that (cough)

Quoted from rc1107 It's me again.  :-) Pretty much the only question I have now is why the demon had to bring it forward eight years.  And also, if the Reaperess' live normal human lives, with husbands and everything, and if the husbands and/or friends notice that they never age.- Mark

the demon is trying to bring the year back to fall on the turn of the century, Just a simple slip up on his part, that has been overlooked and needs to be rectified - a lazy demon :P
The grim reaperess never gets married and would move around a fair bit, with child. She does not live mortal years nor does Susan.

if I go further with this, there would a scene showing the demonic force enveloping Susan in protection- after all he is responsible - whilst Camilla does what she has to do.
Susan is none the wiser.

Quoted from rc1107 Thank you very much for clearing mostly everything up for me.  It did help a lot.

You're more than welcome.
My only hope, after all the clarification, is that you've enjoyed it.
Thanks Mark

Elis: She does not live mortal years

Ah-ha!  Now I understand fully and completely.  See?  We just need slapped around a little bit and sooner or later, we'll come around.

And I did enjoy this, the visuals and tone and all, even when I didn't understand.  Now my only hope is that you based this on a true story and Death really does have a sense of humor.  :-)

- Mark

Hi Mark.

Thanks once again.
I'm glad you enjoyed it, in the end. :P

Cheers, Elisabeth

Hey elis.

This was a little strange, well actually a lot strange.  I was a bit confused about the dream sequences at the beginning and to double check the slugs to see if i had missed something.

Like Mark, I wondered how friends wouldn't notice how Susan and her mother, however she might be, doesn't age.  I see that you've answered that now.

The images are strong and are spooky.  I too would like to see this as a kinda fantasy horror rather than a comedy.  Don't get me wrong, it is funny but the setting suits a serious short for me.

Anywho I did like this but found it confusing.

Hi Alfie,

Thanks for the read.

I suppose it's like batman, superman or the phantom, the grim-reaperess ' identity is well kept.

I still think a light hearted humor is better than a horror, but 1/2 the reviewers thus far think otherwise; might have to rethink that one.

Thanks for your input Alfie. ;)

Quoted from elis Hi Alfie, I still think a light hearted humor is better than a horror, but 1/2 the reviewers thus far think otherwise; might have to rethink that one.

So half the people think it's good as a horror too.  I think the best thing is that you like it and if you like it as a comedy horror then keep it as a comedy horror.  Afterall it's your script.  I know scripts have to be rewritten to keep the majority happy but you could lose sight of what you wanted to achieve.

This seems a bit of stupid thing to say as I was one of those who said maybe it would be better as a straight horror but then that's just my opinion.

I do think it could do with a tweak here and there but stick by your guns and you'll be happy.  Whatever you do with it I'll be sure to read it again.

Hey Elis,

This story was entertaining. I enjoyed that whole Susan and Camllia scene where Susan refuses to listen to Camllia (the lalala scene I'll like to call it.) This reminds me alot of Greek stories since most of the gods and goddesses act like children in the stories. lol. I also love the fact that they curse. lol.  

The only problem I saw were:
You tend to repeat alot such as the sluglines "moments later" and the description "total darkness". Find some other way of saying these especially for the total darkness description since its on your first page. If its in your slugline, its really not necessary to repeat it again in the description.

Also, I got a bit confused when Susan meets Camilla near the window sill. I thought that Susan had known about it, not that she was somehow dreaming. As the reader, I understand that it is taking place but the character doesn't know. However, Susan doesn't present that until later with the slap and the lalala part. Try including that immediately when both meet.

Hope this helps,
Gabe

Elis,

I don't really have a lot of suggestions here. I thought it was pretty good and I liked the over all idea.

I would suggest though to change the name Susan. Seems a little too modern for someone who's been around "forever".

I would take Michael's idea if I were you and turn it into something a little creepier and drop any comedic references. You have nice characters and creepy places and situations. Develop that some more.

Again, I think you've come up with an original idea, but you are right, it's not film noir. :-)  You can turn it into creepy horror though. I think this would work great as that.

Pia

Quoted from Mr.Ripley Hey Elis, Also, I got a bit confused when Susan meets Camilla near the window sill. I thought that Susan had known about it, not that she was somehow dreaming. As the reader, I understand that it is taking place but the character doesn't know. However, Susan doesn't present that until later with the slap and the lalala part. Try including that immediately when both meet. Hope this helps, Gabe

Hi Gabe thanks heaps for the read and review.

Susan never realizes that her life is different than any other mortal being. In fact she doesn't know.
All she knows is that her mother is a party goer and is always on the move.
Her mother's appearance startles her only because she has no idea how her mother  got into her bedroom so quietly.
Hope this explains this part a little.

I am rewriting this with a lot of the reviewers intake.

Thanks again

Quoted from tomson Elis, I don't really have a lot of suggestions here. I thought it was pretty good and I liked the over all idea. I would suggest though to change the name Susan. Seems a little too modern for someone who's been around "forever". I would take Michael's idea if I were you and turn it into something a little creepier and drop any comedic references. You have nice characters and creepy places and situations. Develop that some more. Again, I think you've come up with an original idea, but you are right, it's not film noir. :-)  You can turn it into creepy horror though. I think this would work great as that. Pia

Hi Pia,
Thanks for the read and review.
You are another that thinks a horror would be the go. :P
I so thought that a bit of light hearted humor was the way to go.

I have changed the name already in my rewrite. Micheals point was very well taken.

Thanks again,

Elisabeth ;D

Hi Elis,
First off, I enjoyed the story, but (WOW)!, the parentheticals, and punctuations almost ruined it for me. You've got a really nice. clean sense of dialogue and descriptions, minus the forementioned issues.
I remember reading one of your scripts on the new york m.m. contest and thinking the same thing. Without those issues your story would read much cleaner. If you were to clean those up it would read much better. The dialogue should/does convey it without the parentheticals, etc., but with it it's all taken away.  You've got solid characters/conflict in your story, the reader will be able to tell what's what, you don't have to spell every small detail out for them.
You've got a really good story on your hands. Good work.

Hey, Elis,

I liked this much better than "T'was Christmas Eve."  Forgive me for suggesting it, but I think Misty Mundae should play the Grim Reaperesses and their mother.  It's just what I saw and all of the humor underlined it.  Speaking of underlining, it does bother me to see underlined dialog.  I really got a big kick out of this.  It's very original and the kind of thing no one can duplicate without coming off as cheap.  Because of that, I would like to see this extended further.  Afterall, I'm sure they're called Grim Reaperessess for a reason.  I want to see them go Reaperess - grimly.

I mentioned the vocative case on a previous script of yours.  To recap, when a person is being addressed, they should have their name separated by commas (see above salutation).  Otherwise, it is getting harder to tell that English is your second language, so bravo.  The other things people mentioned before so I won't.

My only confusion was with the DEMONIC VOICE and DEMONIC FACE.  Are they different characters?  Could they also be the doctor's voice?  I like the fact that there really isn't anything scary or creepy about the whole thing, but Susan keeps shouting it, so on the nose it's funny.  If Misty Mundae is busy, maybe we could get Christine Taylor interested.  But, back to the demons.  I get a sense of the demon really wanting to be scary and creepy, but not able to pull it off.  He's just too much of a wise-cracker to pull it off.  That works really well with your story.

Thanks for the post.

Thanks for the read, n7,
I do have to refrain from using  parentheticals and excessive punctuation; getting there :)

Glad you enjoyed it and thanks for the review. ;)




Gwydion,
I like your choice of actresses, I prefer Christine Taylor.

You mentioned the demons voice and that it could be the doctor's; very good suggestion, I like that idea.
The demonic voice and the demonic face is the same character, wasn't sure how to portray that across, since he first appears as a voice - any hints?

I truly appreciate your feedback.
Thanks again, ;D
Elisabeth

The best way to name a character that shows up in different forms is to just pick a central name.  For instance, there's little chance that your demon character should be confused with any other if it's the only demon character.  So, you could simply call the character DEMON and have his dialog listed as (V.O.) when he's disembodied.  If it's the same character playing two forms, then they should have separate and distinct names (like I did in "Family Practice" with Archer and Reflection).  The "Fight Club" script had the same character played by two different actors, but gave them separate names in the script so the reader doesn't get confused trying to keep them apart.

Gwydion,
Thanks. I thought since I hadn't introduced him and his first instance of appearance was as a demonic voice, that I should introduce him as such; it makes sense though to just name him and do the V.O as suggested. Thanks again.