Hi, Elis.
For a 5-page short, written with restrictions, I thought your script was fairly effective.
Outside of page 1 and a few instances here and there, I thought that the pacing was good.
A couple of areas that knock your story down are too much description and unclear character motives.
Addressing the first, be careful of slamming too much description on us in one, huge chunk. Here are your first 2 paragraphs.
Quoted Text The sun sets, as light snow falls, over the small stone footbridge that spans the narrow Belside river; crossing it, is a dozen or so joyous families, dressed in early 1900 European winter fashions, heading south towards a small candle lit church.
A wooden road sign located near the footbridge, next to a dozen singing Carollers with lantern in hands, points towards the North; it reads ‘Rue Belside’ |
Ouch. Go easy, Elis.
And weave the description with the action. So as we follow these families on their way to church, we see the landscape. We see the steam from their breaths. Maybe a little girl looks down from the bridge at the narrow Belside River. Maybe we hear the crunch of snow as a hundred feet trudge over the bridge. You get my point.
Watch out when you use words like "joyous," because we need to see what makes them joyous.
If they are carolers, we should hear them.
Seek out opportunities to bring elements together.
When we see the sign of the town, how about having a central character like Marion stand near the sign. On a different note, is it Marion or Marian? One spelling is male and the other is female.
You know I'm no fan of characters crying. Now how many times does poor ol' Marion shed tear drops? But hey, that's me. Others might love it.
Some transitions to watch. You see that line in the quoted text, ... lanterns in hands, pointing towards the North... on a quick read, that will leave an inaccurate image. Going back to too much, that much verbage is bound to get you in trouble.
Quoted Text In the moving crowd, a 30 year old woman, LOUISE, accompanied by her 40 year old husband HENRY and her five year old daughter ELSBETH, looks to Marion. |
Above is another ponderous passage. Break up your paragraphs. Shorter and more concise.
Also, there should be hyphens between 30-year-old woman. A woman is 30 years old -- described that way, there are no hyphens. I forget what they call this...
"A lady’s voice sings out in disgust ”you Jezebel”" really cracked me up. I know it wasn't what you intended but when I read it I immediately imagined someone melodramatically stepping out of the crowd and singing like in a musical. Kinda like a simpsons gag. |
The families are "carolers." If you use a verb like "sings out in disgust, 'you Jezebel'" well it's easy to conjure up some comical images.
When Marion first appears, you might give us a facial reaction from Henry. He's got to be surprised to see her. Just a hint or foreshadowing of their past and what's to come. I also think Henry might react a big stronger upon seeing Marion. Maybe he tries to shield Elsbeth from Marion.
After all, Marion harbors a dark secret that Henry hopes is never revealed.
I can go along with Marion giving Elsbeth a wave.
But Elsbeth "gently smiling" back, I didn't care for. It seems like a gesture that is designed to tug at our heart strings. Maybe if Elsbeth just stares back and then follows that by tellling her mum, "that lady looks so cold and sad..."
I'm assuming that Marion has made up her mind to end her life and wants to see her daughter before the end.
Quoted Text The crowd enters the church; its interior warmly lit by candle light as the organ plays. |
This description makes sense on Page 2 and isn't needed in detail on Page 1.
As with the number of times Marion sheds a tear, she also looks at the church a lot. Maybe reel in one of those "looks at the church" moments on pp 2-3.
A nice transition from candle-lit church to a flashback of a candle-lit room.
The flashback scene, however spare, is my favorite because it reveals a bit of backstory.
I think that Henry has to ease the baby out of Marion's arms. Marion would want that moment to linger.
Quoted Text That’s our little daughter Henry. |
Uh, I don't think so. Watch your wording and punctuations on P. 3. Comma before Henry. Or move the Henry part to the beginning of the dialog. Or just drop "Henry" altogether.
So Marion is Henry's mistress?
She is only 20. Probably poor. Henry uses her. He seems to care for her, some.
Did he just want a child?
He and his wife, Louise, who is 25, never had a child.
I'm trying to fill in the Gaps.
Instead of giving Marion his mother's locket, maybe Henry should just give this poor woman $$.
Or, if you want to go with the locket, maybe you can put it to better use. Have Marion do something with that locket, since we spend an inordinate amount of reading time with it.
It's possible that Henry could remove himself from the crowd. Walk over toMarion near the bridge. Have words with her, if he really cares for her.
He could tell Louise that he's appeasing Elsbeth. And he could tell the little girl that he will say a kind word to a poor, beggar woman.
If Louise gets nasty about it, Henry can snap back - "It's Christmas Eve."
And if Henry and Marion meet...she can return the locket. Ask that Henry give it to their daughter.
Or what if Elsbeth wants to say something to this poor woman on the streets? Maybe a Merry Christmas or something. You can establish a quick connection between the two. Maybe that's all it will take to save Marion's life. Who knows?
Elis, have you ever seen the John Forsythe/Lana Turner film "Madame X"? It deals with a mother who willingly gives up her baby to protect the child from her reckless life. And to ensure that her scandals don't hinder her husband's professional aspirations.
Decades later, the mother commits a heinous crime to protect her Identity from reaching the newspapers. And when she is put on trial, her son (now a grown man and an attorney) defends her. He doesn't know that she is his mother. And the mother never reveals herself. The final scene is a real tear jerker.
Your story sort of reminds me of X. Not so much in story, but in situation.
Another lesser story with a similar premise is "Because of You," with Loretta Young.
Of course, both movies follow the mothers' stories.
Obviously you couldn't flesh out much in 5 pages. But think about a few wrinkles that tell us more about Marion and Henry, and their situation. You have some nice moments and with the page restrictions now removed, I'd like to see you can take this story to the next level. Good luck.
Abe