Life Lessons by Margaret Avnet - Short, Drama - A father decides to teach his sons some life lessons in his last will and testament. 6 pages - pdf, format 8)

This reads like the final scene of a longer piece.  We don't know who the characters are; you just tell us who they are and that's it.  We need to be shown the characters so we can say how much they suck or not.


Phil

This reminds me of a webcomic that introduce the worlds and stuff through a lecture. The same thing in here. It tells, not shows.

But I like the ending though. Perhaps this can be developed to more lenghty scripts since the contest this script was on is over.

Maybe it's just me, but there seem to be a lot of screenplays with buttons, rings and coins used for props lately.

:-)

Just kidding.  I've heard about the contest and page limit, so I'll forgive the 'rushed' feel the script had, how you had to herd your characters in and then herd them out without revealing too much about them.

I would like to see that, though.  See somebody take one of these screenplays and expand on their original five page ideas to get proper characterization and setup.  Some of these stories were really good.

- Mark

I think this is a bit over-ambitious in its scope.

If you know you've got 5 pages to get your point across, then having three brothers introduced plus a solicitor (who is having a heavy romance with one of the three), giving them all mini-story arcs and wrapping it all up with a little bow... I think it's just a bit too far to expect people to engage with it.

Just for this competition, maybe a one or two-character piece may have been better.

That said, it has a moral compass and, if you expanded it, it'd definately be a far more engaging read.

No matter what is said above, it is well written and shows technical talent. Well done.

I remember this one from MP little while ago, and like the fact that the Mary Middleton Sanctuary for Companion Animals was set up, one, cause I like animals, and two, it was a nice way to stick it to the greedy corporate guy...Ending was sweet, but a little hokey.

"A random mess."

The first sentence ran waaaay to long. Trim it down. You don't need so much detail, taht makes this short script seem longer than it really is.

Williams dialogue is cringe worthy! Please, give him something believable to say.

I liked how both Eric and William got screwed out of the will. That put a smile on my face.

The ending was kinda cheesy and odd. I had no idea John and Erin where together. Did Erin rig the will?

This left me confused and unsatisfied. Better luck next time.

~Zack~

The opening description could be cut down a bit - we can guess that a law firm office would have books, for example.

I also agree that there's too many characters for such a short short. Maybe just have two brothers and develop their personalities a bit more. None of them really hooked me. The dialogue for both Eric and William at the start was also slightly cliche.

The ending also left me with some questions - Wouldn't Erin and John's relationship count as a conflict of interests?

Yes even I, being relatively new to this site, agree with most of the comments.  Especially JPRoach "The Moral Compass."  The reading of a will can be a most terrifying experience to say the least.  The feeling of entitlement overwhelms ones psyche. (pardon the spelling, you know what I mean) John obviously was playing his siblings, this was not aparent until the last page, seeing that he has picked a fast food place over the regular Antonio's and having him say: "It was in a place like this...Blah, Blah...."  Shows that possibly he is starting to feel guilty for his betrails?  Maybe he's just becoming conserative?  Maybe John was allready part of this sanctuary to begin with and the brothers already knew it.  The problem is, the reader who is reading such a short script does not.   This could be the opening for a lengthy Screenplay or the close of one.  It's always the middle child who causes the proplems, so to make John the mastermind would be correct. Other than the small twist at the end, it didn't do much for me.  But best wishes with it anyway.    ...Al