False Hope (was Kiss of Death) by James Redd - Short - When a down-trodden boy believes that he has taken away his best friend's sickness to save her life, he attempts to pass it on to his abusive father in order to protect his mother. (9 pages) - pdf, format 8)

Hi James, this was a sweet story. Well written too.

I take it Mark's dad beats on his mom or something like that? Only thing I could suggest for improvement is maybe make it a little longer and show exactly why Mark hates his dad so much. I think I picked it up from the hints you laid out but you could maybe expand on it whilst still keeping it in the style you have used.

Reminded me a little of Pay It Back. Good stuff man!

I didn't really see a point to this. Just some kid who hates his dad a lot for some unspecified reason. There wasn't any *real* kiss of death that I could make out, either.

It wasn't bad. It was intrtiguing and well-written.  It just left something to be desired.

--Julio

Hey James,

This one definately needs a lot of tightening up, escpecially in the beginning.  It was pretty confusing.  I had to read it a few times to get the gist of it.  For instance:

Quoted from Kiss of Death She KISSES Doozer and hands him over to the eager boy.

What eager boy?  You never mentioned anything earlier in the script that there was someone waiting to hold Doozer.  He just appeared out of nowhere.

I also don't understand how Ali and Mark think that they killed Doozer, or why they think they would get the blame for it.  If they thought they did it, you never showed either of the two kids kissing Doozer.  I'm sure the teacher wouldn't blame them for killing the hamster, since she saw that the mysterious eager boy was the last one with it.

Quoted from J Gomez some kid who hates his dad a lot for some unspecified reason. There wasn't any *real* kiss of death that I could make out, either.

Julio's right on both accounts.  We can assume that the dad beats on the family, but you never show it.  You have him drinking a beer, but you can't let your readers assume.  My dad drank like hell.  Come to think of it, I don't even remember ever seeing him without a beer in one hand and a cigarette in the other.  But he never once hit me, my sister, or my mom.

And there is no 'real' kiss of death, either, so how is it that Mark's biggest problem is solved, like you claim in the logline?

It wouldn't be too bad of a little short if you tightened those few things up.  Maybe you can show that there is no real kiss of death and, when Mark's father doesn't die after dinner, he beats the hell out of Mark for something.

- Mark

To all-

Thanks for all of the input. This was my first attempt at writing a script. The comments are great, I have a lot to work on. The logline was thought up quickly because I was so excited to get this up. I should be more dedicated to quality.

I am always inspired by the variety of short films I see late at night on The Short List, which always leave me wondering. I love that feeling of not knowing and being able to interpret as individuals.

Any comments are welcome, thanks for reading.

James

Hi, James.  Not to discount my fellow reviewers, but I understand exactly where the "kiss of death" is coming from.  It is a story of innocence and naivet�ith dark streak running through it.
  
I will agree, however, with the confusion about the "eager boy" character.  I did not know who you were talking about, and had to read it a couple of times.  You need a script to flow, and having to back up and clarify is always something you want to avoid.  Be sure to introduce every character you intend to use.

For technical nits, there is no need to number the individual scenes. And do not put the V.O. in italics.  I can think of no instance where italics are appropriate in a script.  And your page numbers are weird.  Do not number the first page, and subsequent page numbers should also be in Courier font along the margins, not the far right.

I did understand the role of the abusive father.  The comments from Ali, Marks�s sore neck, and the understated, passive behavior from mom.  That is plenty, I think.  Of course you could make him more menacing with more pages, but I think you succeeded in letting us know enough about him for eight pages.

What is sad here is that Mark actually believes he is making a difference, and that his kiss of death will have real consequences.  It is sad that he feels he must do it, and even sadder that he is so unaware his actions will make no difference.  Not the happiest story I have read, but effective in its own way.

I think this is a fine first effort; one that tells a complete story in a very subtle fashion.  Subtle enough that readers you can trust to be paying attention (Mark and Gomez) have still missed some points.  I actually have very few complaints with this one.

Quoted Text What is sad here is that Mark actually believes he is making a difference, and that his kiss of death will have real consequences.  It is sad that he feels he must do it, and even sadder that he is so unaware his actions will make no difference.  Not the happiest story I have read, but effective in its own fashion.

Actually, that is exactly what I meant when I said there was no "real" kiss of death. I am aware of the fact that it was meant to evoke pity or sadness because this child is wishing death upon his parent with such conviction, but nothing will ever happen.

The real problem here is in the logline. It says the kid will find a way to solve his biggest problem, but he does not. He doesn't even come close and not once do we, the audience, even *think* that he might reach his goal.  

It is emotional, but to me, advertising the script under the title "Kiss of Death" is kind of misleading. I expected it to have a bigger part in the story than just the mere illusions of a young boy. That being said, I still enjoyed the script and James here obviously has talent.

--Julio

Quoted from ReaperCreeper The real problem here is in the logline. It says the kid will find a way to solve his biggest problem, but he does not. ...to me, advertising the script under the title "Kiss of Death" is kind of misleading.

Ahh...well, I guess that is a fair complaint.

You paying attention, James?  Next time you use "Death" in your title, you are gonna have problems with Gomez if somebody doesn't actually die.  Preferably in the bloodiest manner possible  :)

Quoted from bert   I can think of no instance where italics are appropriate in a script.

Italics are appropriate if the character is singing.

Anyway, I took this script in the literal sense, in that there really is a kiss of death, and this script had an overall dark tone.  Perhaps it wasn't the most appropriate route to go, but I didn't feel let down by anything in doing so.

There are scripts and stories out there along them same lines, so why couldn't this work on that level.

The scene numbering has been pointed out, so no need to go any deeper into that, but I think the dialogue between Mark and Ali could be made more child-like on their walk home.  It's a tough age bracket to write, but I think it can be done in this case.

And lastly, I think you can shorten the parent's names to just Mom and Dad.

Looking forward to more work from you.


JACKASS EDIT:  I skimmed back through the script based on the previous feedback to see why my interpretation was so different, and it turns out that it has to do with something others mentioned.  The Eager Boy.  Missing that on the first go round completely messed up my interpretation of things, and I guess made my review pretty much useless.  I suggest going back and doing a full rewrite so my review ends up being not useless.  ;)

Quoted Text You paying attention, James?  Next time you use "Death" in your title, you are gonna have problems with Gomez if somebody doesn't actually die.  Preferably in the bloodiest manner possible

Well, I can't say I'd complain if there was a limb tear or a throat slash here and there.   ;D

But in all seriousness, the title could be changed to something like "The Black Kiss" or something to that effect. Just a suggestion, of course.  

Hey, Shelton...

Quoted Text Italics are appropriate if the character is singing.

I thought Italics could also be used to emphasize a word, like to help in the delivery of a line. Am I wrong? I've seen it done before. Please enlighten me with your guidance. :P

--Julio

YES!!! I am now counting this message board as one of the most exciting things to ever happen to me. This is going to be a lot of fun.

I have to admit, I wasn't in love with the title myself, but as previously stated, I was too excited to get this up to see if it would go on the site that I sort of rushed the title and the logline.

The eager boy issue needs to be addressed also. I will get to it ASAP.

Bert- I am so glad that the dark tone was felt by others. Your praise is greatly appreciated. I know I have a ways to go, but getting compliments from a writer of your experience means the world to me. Also, thanks for the formatting tips. I definitely need to stop putting in camera instructions too. I'm not a director.

Thanks to all (Stephen, Julio, Mark, Bert and Shelton) for your input. I look forward to more discussion like this one.

James

Quoted from ReaperCreeper Please enlighten me with your guidance. :P

I prefer wisdom, but I suppose guidance will do in this case.  ;)

I've seen italics used before, as well as bolding and underlining for word emphasis, but my gut feeling from what I've seen on the subject is that it's generally frowned upon.  Leave the acting to the actor, so to speak.

Hello james. I enjoyed the story and agree that it was well written.

I think that you could elaborate more on Mark's Farther, and give us somemore backround as to why Mark doesn't love his dad. I didn't think it was bad, it just left me with more questions then answers.

I too had to go back and find the "eager boy". He really did just appear out of no where. I think this a given and a easy fix.

Also why did Mark kiss the fork and not his dad? Maybe it's just me, but i was expecting him to jump up and plant one on his dad. IMO the kiss to the fork doesn't really signify a kiss.

Overall great story, kept me reading. GOOD JOB!!!

Thanks for the advice, Mike. I need to keep in mind that this script would eventually be going to actors.

Thanks for the read, Timotio. I have been working with a few ideas about how to make Mark's father more of a villain. And the eager boy issue has been resolved (I think). I may or may not send in the rewrite. I tried to think of a way to have Mark kiss his dad, but it just didn't seem right for the character. I'll work on it.

James

Hey, thanks for getting the rewrite up, Don. This is the rewrite I did using comments from those who discussed this script and gave me such good feedback. It has since been rewritten a few more times and is currently in preproduction and will likely be filmed in the next few months.
Discussion is still helpful, so please let me know what you think of the new draft, specifically the new ending.

James

Hey James...

I think your script has definite potential. It just needs a bit of work, I think.

What bothers me about it is that it's so blatant, in my opinion. If you made it more subtle, I think it would be a beautiful little story. I don't think you should make the father more of a villain. Abusers seldomly come across as assholes, on the contrary, when they're not abusing, they're incredibly soft and lovable. Most of them, anyways. And I've known a couple of them, so I think you shouldn't make him meaner - it wouldn't be realistic.

I just think, in general, you should use much less dialogue and let the pictures speak. For example don't let the mother say to the boy to move his bag away cause daddy's gonna be mad. Let her look at it and let this look tell that she's scared of her husband. Maybe let her move the bag away herself, without words. I just think your story would be much more realistic and subtle if all of the involved people wouldn't talk so much.

The little girl at times sounds a bit too wise for me. She, too, speaks too much. "Does your neck still hurt?", that part... I don't know. I just don't know if little kids in real life talk that way. Abuse is seldomly talked about, that's what makes it so powerful. And that's why I think all of this abuse should happen much more between the lines rather than in them.

Just my two cents. I see it's in production? So I guess my opinion comes too late ;)
Still wanted to comment on it, anyhow.
Oh, and I also think the title "False Hope" gives away way too much!
Anna

Hey Frankie/Anna, thanks for the comments. The people who are making the film agreed with you and we are sticking with the original ending. I tried to make the film subtle, was the ending the only part you thought was blatantly obvious? I think if I went too subtle the abuse would just disappear.

As for too much dialogue I'm not sure what could be cut out, I think kids say almost everything on their minds and are brutally honest with one another (I'm sure we all have stories as examples of that from our own childhoods). The final draft has a new opening scene and a scene at Ali's house between her and her mom. I think it's going to be really good, but I might be biased.

Thanks again for reading and welcome to SS. Do you have any scripts in the works you plan on posting?

James

James

I'm not gonna highlight any grammar or formatting discrepencies there may be here as since its being made it doesn't really matter anymore. Phew, that must be a good feeling, the format Nazi's can't say sh?t about this now.

In terms of the story, it was a bittersweet one. Alarm bells usually ring for me when I see such young lead characters (Slumdog was an exception where I thought the younger actors outshone the older ones) for when it comes to shooting the film its obviously harder to get what you want from 8 year olds performance wise.

That aside I thought the writing was solid, poignant in places.

Ali's character had a gentle, good natured innocence about her that could only be pulled off effectively by a younger character . How she related every action, expression & gesture as something she had learned or was "recommended" to do by her Mother & Sister.

It was a sweet touch, which you unveiled nicely throughout the piece & helped us develop a standpoint on each charracter as well as moving along the script's main plot/theme.

The good ole wife beating Mechanic, its always the Husbands wearing the overalls that dish out the puishment, huh? :P

The use of voiceover was well executed and allowed us to get into Mark's mind & understand he's childish incentive. Its a hard thing to empathise with a kid that wants to kill his father even if the Dad is the brute we see here, but you managed it extremely well.

Although Mark's patricidal motives are macarbre, such is the naivety of his approach & reasoning behind it, you can only feel sorry for him. Especially when you think how he is going to feel when his wishes don't come to pass.

Nice story here, man, and well told. I look foward to seeing it on screen.

Col.

Hey, Col. Thanks for the review. I'll be sure to get some up on your other works, though I think I've read most of them.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 I'm not gonna highlight any grammar or formatting discrepencies there may be here as since its being made it doesn't really matter anymore. Phew, that must be a good feeling, the format Nazi's can't say sh?t about this now.

It is a good feeling, but now the production company can request changes, which they have. The script has been through a few rewrites and will have some new scenes when it is finished. They just finished up auditions this week and have their cast.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 In terms of the story, it was a bittersweet one. Alarm bells usually ring for me when I see such young lead characters (Slumdog was an exception where I thought the younger actors outshone the older ones) for when it comes to shooting the film its obviously harder to get what you want from 8 year olds performance wise.

Let us be thankful we are just the writers. Though there are, like you mentioned (still haven't seen Slumdog), some good child actors. Maybe they'll find the next Dakota's Fanny.

And thanks a lot for the compliments. This was my very first script, it is my baby. I am so excited to see it on screen myself. :)

James

Just an update for anyone who is interested. The crew at Flip Book Productions sent me a link to a Picasa Web Album with 400 pics of the shoot taken by on-set photographer Julie Brown. Really great pics, I have looked through them several times.

You can see them HERE if you are interested. I think you have to have a Google account to view them.

James

Shout outs to all who have commented and helped in the rewrite process for KOD. And obviously props to SS for giving me a little space on the homepage. 'Prechate it. If you are really interested, PM me with an email address and I can send you the final draft.

And another shout out to the crew at Flip Book, you guys are awesome!

James