Cigarette Break by Ayham Saati - Short, Comedy - Smoking can REALLY hurt you. 8 pages - pdf, format 8)

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https://www.facebook.com/ayham.saati/videos/10152364600673878/

Hey Ayham.

Spoilers

It's good to see something new from you. I thought this was failry amusing and as an ex smoker I can imagine the frustration of the Cashier. I know the Cashier’s cigarette got broken, but if you wanted to add more weight to the title perhaps the Cashier could also get a broken nose when the Hot Chick hits him.  

Typos:  

She is fuming now as he runs out the door and gets ready to
light his cigarette... But in a split of a second he looks
inside and finds MAN ON CELLPHONE in front of the counter.
The cashier looks at him in disbelief and steps back in as he

Should read: But in a split second etc


CASHIER
Well it depends on hungry are you!

Should read: Well, it depends on how hungry you are!

Hi Ayham, nice little comedy here. Can imagine it being quite slapstick with CASHIER and MAN ON CELLPHONE both walking in and out at the same time. The ending was a bit of a let down for me to be honest with you though. The comedy seemed to die a bit near the end.
Time for a smoke myself tho ;o)

Thanks for the read, Chris and Stebrown, and thanks for pointing out the typos, Chris.

Chris, have mercy on this poor cashier, man lol I thought he got enough beating as is and lost his dear cigarette on top of that :)

Stebrown, I tried to keep up the humor as much as possible...sorry it was a let down for you near the end.

This short has been filmed in December. There were numerous problems especially with casting, and the guy who originally played Cashier is actually a new member on this site and I'm sure he'll get around to this thread ( Hi Noli :)... Anyways, I have mixed feelings on how it was filmed and I'm still waiting to see how it will turn out.

Ayham, I got a few good laughs from this one, I've felt that frustration of just trying to get away for 5 minutes for One Damn Smoke lol. The end joke was a bit light, but overall it has a nice sense of building wackiness. Short, funny, a nice bit of physical comedy.  If the short gets posted to ifilm or youtube let us know.

That's true, Mikep it was really physical on the Cashier's charactor in particular because he "fell" a bit too hard on top of Fat Guy then had to drag himself across the room while Hot Chick kept kicking him. Hot Chick really surprised us with how tough she was and she really kicked the S*** out of the poor guy as he dragged himself across the room. She is a tiny person and has the most unique voice, so nobody expected her to be THAT tough lol

For sure I will post a link to the movie when it's up on YOU TUBE, but I'm not sure exactly when will that be, and just last I was told by the director that they might have to go back and redo some "long-shots" Because the camera was "too shaky"... It was shot with a hand-held HD camera, they didn't use a tri-pod.

Everyone thought this was gonna be a piece of cake to shoot. But it wasn't... so will see.

Talk about physical, not sure if you had a chance to check out the other short I posted, Night at the Pizzeria. that one is REALLY physical for both lead actors. There is currenlt a casting call for it on Craig's List and it will be shot in the same restaurant / location.

Thanks for the read, Mikep :)

hey, i think u should trim the description.  for instance, on page 1 you write:
Fat guy is very busy eating a jumbo pizza, chicken wings, a salad and a large coke.

and that can be shortened too
Fat guy gorges on a pizza, wings, a salad and a coke.

also, you probaby want to make sure and write in the present tense.  like instead of "hot chick is checking out the large menu", try and keep things in the present "hot chick checks out the large menu".

i thnk by trimming the description you can cut 2-3 pages easily.

DKW, I really wanted to indicate the portions, and that the pizza Fat Guy was eating is JUMBO and the coke he is drinking is LARGE, you know?

Hot Chick is checking out the menu. Is this wrong? Not sure actually, my grammer is a bit rusty :)  But she is (currently) standing infront of the counter and looking at the menu... Hot Chick checks out the menu....Hot Chick is checking out the menu...hmmm  (scratching my head)..

Thanks for the read.

Hey Ayham,

I don't really understand where everything is in relation to the setting.  What's with the patio?  And I don't understand where the doors were.  :-)

Lol.  Just kidding.  The pictures you posted on the thread for 'Night at the Pizzeria' were enough to get the setting across to me.

I know you posted these at the same time, but do you kind of understand the gist of what I was talking about when I replied to 'Pizzeria', about the script being in present tense, and not passive?  It's mainly just changing all your 'ing' words into action sentences.  It might sound picky, but trust me, dkw is right, it trims down unnecessary words and quickens the pace and action for the reader.  If you still don't understand completely, I don't mind at all going through this script and citing more examples.  Just let me know.  That's usually how I learn, just have something slammed into my head over and over again.

I don't smoke, so I didn't understand the Cashier's need to have a cigarette in that exact moment, when he has customers if front of him.  But then, in my mind, I replaced the cigarette with a few Reese's peanut butter cups and I understood his addiction then.

And lol.  Just a side note.  You really despise naming your characters, don't you?  While the characters may be cut and dry in your head, don't forget, the reader doesn't know them as personally as you do.  So if you don't want to name them, at least a little bit of description might help flesh them out a little.  Because honestly, while the story wasn't bad, I didn't really care whether Cashier smoked or not.  In fact, at first, I thought Cashier was a girl.  Most of the pizza and fast food places around here have chicks working the register and the dudes in back, away from the public.  And, while I knew HOT GIRL was hot, I didn't know how old she was.  I don't know if she was a preppie Hot Girl, a punk Hot Girl, a super-model Hot Girl.  Also, I thought Fat Guy and Hot Girl were together, the way that you introduced them.

This story wasn't bad for a few chuckles, though.  And if you want me to cite some of those examples for turning passive text into present tense, just let me know.

All right, one last question and I'm done.  Where the hell is the manager at?!  He has to get his act together.  His employees are cursing out the customers and murdering their co-workers.   I'd love to work at that place.  ;)

- Mark

Hey Mark,

Onething jumped out at me in your review, are Reese's peanut butter cups that good?? lol

So, regarding those (ings)... I know the rules but obviously I let my guards down when I wrote those two shorts... and I had the flu that day... and I broke a finger, a couple fingers actually... Don't you think those are good excuses??? :)

Another issue you and brought up; the charactors with no names, of which in this particular short I completely stand by and will defend to the death!! Here goes;

Why should I give Hot Chick a name? She will not be called by her name throughout the story. Female partons in restaurants are addressed as "ma'am", which is exactly what Cashier kept calling her... also I didn't see the need to describe her and I thought the name Hot Chick will make us think of her as, well, a hot chick. I truly thought that in this particular fast-paced short, stopping to describe the charactors will actually slow the action... Same goes for Fat Guy who has no dialouge. He is a fat guy who could be a dark-haired man in his 20s or 30s, but would it have mattered if I said that? Or if I gave him a name... hmm, lets say his name was... Bert. And I kept referring to him as Bert rather than Fat Guy... Not sure, I really rather go with fat Guy which would keep reminding us of his main role in this script, which is to sit and eat... And the same also goes for man on cellphone. He does not speak a word throughout the action. Giving him a name wouldn't make sense in my opinion.

So this is why I didn't give those guys names. They do not call each other by name during their interraction with each other throughout the story, and I truly think that naming them based on how they looked was the correct way to go in this particular story.... And lets not forget this is a short and every line space matters and should be utilized to tell the story, that's why I didn't take the time to descibe every charactor.

Reese's peanut butter cups????? I wonder if they sell those in bulk at Costco!

Thanks for the read, Mark. I will read some of your shorts very soon. Lastly, in regards to passive and present time verbs. I do know the rules otherwise I would ask for advice for sure. But I wrote these two shorts knowing they were going to be fimled and I knew where the location will be. This is just one reason that I didn't exactly follow those basic rules. The other reason is that I'm rusty and I need to keep writing :)

Quoted from Ayham Onething jumped out at me in your review, are Reese's peanut butter cups that good??

Hecks yeah!  If I had a choice between a lifetime supply of Reese's or a lifetime supply of any alcoholic beverage I wanted, I swear to God, I'd take the Reese's.

If I had a choice between a lifetime supply of Reese's or a hot beautiful woman to give me oral sex anytime I wanted to, I'd choose a hot beautiful woman to give me oral sex anytime I wanted to.  But I'd want the woman to be Julie Powell, the hot beautiful CEO of the Reese's enterprise.

julie powell's google count just went up.  and thanks for backing me up on writing in present tense

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CXJbgqV_zuM&feature=channel_page

the script was filmed and produced by Alex Zar, an Australian filmmaker who picked up the short off this website...thank you Alex, I like it!

Congrats on getting this produced Ayham,

I remember reading this a while ago. I felt his pain while watching.  ;D It made me want a smoke. I quit last year...

but I thought this was pretty neat. I liked how he got the girl back at the end.

Congrats again,
Cindy

thank you cindy...i'm very happy with how it turned out...the filmmaker was for sure able to capture of pain of wanting a cigarette and not being able to get it :)

Nice one Ayham, funny short.

Congrats.

Ayhan

Not a bad job here. I haven't read any comments so I might repeat whats being said.

Your formatting is interesting in parts although the format Nazis will say incorrect. But for me, the important thing is, it was easy to follow, your locations were set up well. As the reader we know exactly where we were & what the character is doing.

The only drawback would be space requirements, as some lines could be done without. For example "Restaurant scene" at the start is redundant as its highlighted in the scene heading below it.

Paragraphs should be limited to three or four lines max.

CASHIER
Well it depends on hungry are you! -- Might be better phrased like this -- "Well it depends on hungry you are"

You can see where this is going after the first couple of times he has to "Slip the cigarette back into his pocket" I wanted to kick the sh?t outta' "Man on Cellphone" with his coming in and out. You just know its gonna a frustrating eight pages for poor "Cashier" (Its no big deal but you should name at least the main character as it goes some way to being able to identify with him. "Cashier" just feels a little detaching, but as I said its not really a problem)

I think you handled it well, and built up the annoyance level gradually until eruption. The exchanges between Cashier & the "Hot Chick" were a highlight.

I liked the line:

CASHIER
Ma’am I did NOT ignore you! And how
the hell should I know how many
calories are in the fucking large
pizza! Why don’t you get a salad
and get it over with! -- Excellent put-down.

If she really believed he called her fat would she have hung around? I'm thinking she woulda' just gone elsewhere. But I see she had to stick around for the story to work.

What the fu?k was the "Man On Cellphone" doing come in and out, it was infuriating. I can totally understand Cashiers exasperation.

I thought the ending was ok, a little abrupt but I really couldn't see it going any other way. He was never gonna have that cigarette, was he?

It came out pretty good on screen too, solid work.

Good job

Col.

This was a good situation you have here. It's wonderful how you have an insane situation triggered by the most basic common scenario. ordering a pizza/ man want smoke break

The short film does good with your script too.

If it was filmed by an Australian I wonder if it was a short made for the Tropfest festival.  

Hey Ste. Thanks for your comment, it really feels great to see your own work up on screen :)

Col. Thank you for the comments, points well taken.

Tanka, you are abosultely right, Alex shot the film spesifically for the tropfest festival but unfortunately it didn't make it, and i bet my life that the winner, as usual, was some silly short with a silly name and a weird message to humanity lol