I Am Bejo: Webcomic by Bambang Yudianto (bejoalan) - Short - From a simple idea, a man found life changing fact. 6 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hi Bambang, just read your script.
Quite a few grammer/spelling mistakes and missed words that kind of annoyed me while I was reading it.
There didn't really seem much point in the script either really as far as I could tell. He realised he has no friends and kills himself. But he didn't kill himself it was just paint. Don't get it mate sorry.
It kind of read as a story or as a comic not as a script too. If you're into artwork maybe try giving a graphic novel ago?
Sorry man, but just can't really find anything positive to say.

I think I recall Bejoalan saying that English is not his first language.  Given that, spelling and grammatical errors shouldn't be a major issue here.  There are some English-speaking writers here who do worse.

The story, IMHO, was rushed way too much.  You don't get to see that Alan Bejo dedicated all his time to his comic script and that has no friends or life.  To make this story carry any weight, you have to expand it by about twenty or thirty pages.  I didn't care one bit when he...



SPOILER SPACE

Supposedly killed himself.  In fact, I felt a little cheated when I learned he didn't.

END SPOILER SPACE


If you want people to care what happens to the character, you have to create a character that people care about.  There was nothing there in this character.



Phil

Quoted from dogglebe There are some English-speaking writers here who do worse.

A problem you got that with,  f*ckermother?

I have to say I agree, I've seen a lot of careless scripts posted by Americans.  In fact, if you take a good look throughout this script, there weren't even any spelling mistakes.  The only one I noticed was on page three.  'grapping', which was supposed to be 'grabbing'.  So good job on that Bambang.  The grammar, given, it was a little bit off, but it was still readable and one could tell what was going on.  I had an Arabic friend and this whole script was worded like how he used to talk when he first moved to America.  Trust me, Bambang, keep on writing and reading like you are and you'll have proper grammar down in no time.

As for the story, I have to say, it was lacking a little bit to me.  There really was no reason to feel sympathetic for Bejo.  It was his choice to be like that.

I do, however, like the way you threw us off a bit, thinking that Bejo was going to end himself.  I think you do just have to draw it out a little bit more and make us like Bejo, or even give him more of a profound lesson to learn, besides him just finding out he's a loner.

- Mark

Quoted from rc1107 I do, however, like the way you threw us off a bit, thinking that Bejo was going to end himself.

IMHOAWAOINMS, misleading us this this way only brings us to disappointment.  We expect something big and dramatic to happen, only to learn that it's just the opposite.

If you're going to mislead us, make sure the truth is as big as the lie.


Phil

Thanks for the CnC. it's really helpfull. I'll try to rewrite it. I've realize that my biggest problem is to develop the scene. long way to go.