The Forsaken Seas by A. B. Steel - Short, Drama - Captain Briggs must decide what's best for his family and crew after encountering a seaquake in the Azores. - pdf, format 8)

Okay...Unless this is another metaphor for being stuck in the prison, I didn't see anything that had to do with the theme of the OWC challenge except for the name Briggs, which is what they called the prison cell back in the 1800s on the ships...or something like that. I saw the drama though.

Your descriptions were good, and they helped move the script quickly...almost too quickly though. There were some points where everything turned way too quickly and I felt it didn't seem too real at some times...but what do I know? I didn't live back in...1872.

Why did Sophia die? I don't understand how she could unless it was that one Infant Death disease thing where the baby just...dies...Dead Infant Syndrome? Ha ha I have no idea but I remember hearing it from one of my friends.

Though I'm just bothered most by the missing theme. Please explain to me what type of prison you have in this script, whether it be shown or whether it be metaphorical.

This one irked me. There's no prison to be found at all, unless being trapped on the open sea is a *very* broad metaphor for imprisonment - but No, I don't buy it.

Edited to elaborate: I think the point of these challenges is not just to come up with a decent idea in a week but to also make it fit the setting/theme and genre given. If a producer who happened to have access to a vacant prison needed a short script to fit that locale, and this script was submitted, he would throw it in the garbage and never call the writer again. In that way, it fails the OWC.

There were certainly dramatic elements here, but the writer seemed to be just going through the motions.  And the baby dying was a bit gimmicky to me (Zombie Sean - it's S.I.D.S: Sudden Infant Death Syndrome). Now if the mother and child had fallen into the water and the child died that way, it would make a lot more sense.

All said, I don't think this worked or fit with the OWC. I must give it a D.

I figured there would be at least one script like this.  I think everyone can agree that the writer knows how the write, however, the metaphor here is extremely subtle.  So much so that a few other readers couldn't really connect it, and that's a problem.  I got it, but it was just so slight that I couldn't really accept it.  It's a family trapped at sea in a lifeboat...and the real conflict I think is more with the family than it is with the sea.  

It's a good script, yeah, but to go the metaphor route it's really gotta play a bigger role.

This was quite melodramatic.  Visually it captured my imagination and, as I stated, there are quite a few dramatic turns in this story.  The dialogue felt kind of wooden though, particularly the captain's.  This made it difficult to really get into the story or feel as much emotion as I thought I should.

I guess it also bears mentioning that the prison cell is used rather loosely here.  I can accept it, though you might want to prepare yourself for a little backlash.

One other thing: the captain's sermon felt a little long.  Something brief - a few lines at the most would seem fitting under the circumstances.

-Mike

I have never read a sailing story with such a poor grasp of sailing.  And I am not even a sailor.  The actions you foist upon this crew -- such as getting into the lifeboats during a storm while their ship is perfectly intact -- it is absurd.  "What if the ship sinks?" asks the Captain.  What???

This lifeboat is the prison.  I get that.  It is a stretch, but I get it.

But I simply cannot fathom the methods you use to get them into this boat.  I think you were going for clever approach here and capsized by accident.

OWC Score: 50%

This ends up being an interesting take on what happened to the crew of the Mary Celeste.

Near the beginning the domestic stuff (child and cooking) goes on too long and I’m not buying the idea that a ship’s galley does not fix down its stove.

Briggs asking “Do you know what is it?” when it appears to be a storm has to make him the dumbest sea captain ever to sail! And then he gives the order to abandon ship from his dinner table!

Having idiocy as your explanation for the Mary Celeste is a viable suggestion that could be made to work. Tighten it up a little and have the captain do some other really stupid things with the crew unable to stop him. Your explanation would be as good as any other.

Philip

I liked this one a lot. Like two other scripts I've read so far, the prison is a metaphor. I think using metaphor worked better here than in the other two. I felt the lifeboat was more imprisoning than an actual prison cell even though there were no bars. You found a loophole and I think it worked well. The drama was there as well. A lot of interesting conflict going on here. I think the characters' struggle was the focus here, which is good, as this wasn't just an attempt to break out of the OWC's constraints to the detriment of the story.

Solid work here. My only issue was the ending. The line "head for the island" is rather disconcerting following the death of the child. It seemed like if they held on a little longer, they could've saved her. Her death in this context ends up feeling like negligence as opposed to her succumbing to the circumstances. I would've preferred the characters be stranded without a clue at the end. The island reference kind of downplays the danger and the tragedy of the situation. Otherwise, this was a good script.

Quoted from mgj I guess it also bears mentioning that the prison cell is used rather loosely here... you might want to prepare yourself for a little backlash.

And here it comes...

:-)  Okay.  I'm going to sound like a huge asshole, but I promise it's nothing against you.  It's against the story.  Lol.  I'm going to sugarcoat it as much as possible so I don't come off too mean.  But remember, if I didn't think that there wasn't any potential here, I wouldn't spend all this time telling you what I thought.

First of all.  There was drama, so good job there.  It was forced drama, but drama nevertheless.  You really do need a better way to tell us how their daughter dies.  Remember, the daughter's two years old, so the Infant Death Syndrome that Sean had came up for you isn't going to work.

All right.  Take a look at your first three scenes.  Here they are, not in a nutshell, but literally:

1.  Captain asks Mate if dinner is almost ready.  Mate says that it is.
2.  Mate goes to the kitchen and asks the cook if dinner is almost ready.  The cook says that it is.
3.  Mate goes back and tells the Captain that the Cook said that dinner is almost ready.  Captain says 'Okay'.

Nothing happens.  Nothing's learned.  Nothing explains or sets up what is about to happen.  It's all unnecessary filler.  And it took you two pages to tell us absolutely nothing.

I also think you need to explain more why they're on this voyage in the first place, and why the hell did the captain bring his wife and daughter?  They're not going to go colonize somewhere with only one woman, are they?

And what kind of Captain gives the order to abandon ship just because a little bit of water splashes onto the deck?  Without ever even getting up from the dinner table to eye the situation for himself!

Somebody already pointed out that your dialogue is stale.  It's true.  Extremely stale.  And, except for an 'ay ay' thrown in once or twice, everybody sounds like they're from someplace in a modern day suburb rather than 1872.  The captain and his wife are so inappropriate for each other, it's almost Jerry Springer-material.

All right.  I'm going to use Bert's scoring system for this entry:

My score  -  10%  (And that's only because you didn't use camera directions and there was drama (despite the ill reason for it.)

The very main reason for the low score?

I think you failed miserably at the theme.  You didn't even try to adhere to the guidelines.  And no, I'm not accepting the lifeboat as a metaphor for a prison cell.  I want to go to the moon extremely bad, but it doesn't mean that Earth is a prison cell.  That's kind of what you did here.

And for all the people who are BARELY accepting the lifeboat as a metaphor, remember, they always had the option, and even at the end, STILL have the option of rowing ten miles back to Santa Maria Island.

If anything, the lifeboat is a metaphor for salvation.

Once again, and I want to stress, I'm not picking on you.  I wouldn't have even taken the time to tell you what I thought about the script if I didn't think it would help.

I hope you don't hate me too bad.

- Mark

Well, brother, you have been picked apart already and everything I wanted to say has been said so let me just reiterate. The beginning (described so nutshell-y by rc1107) seemed like a comedy. I thought I was in for a comedy for the first few pages. I could hear circus music playing or the William Tell overture in the background.

The drama comes in eventually, but it is really forced. A child dying is dramatic, but the way it was handled made me not really care. The family closeness was not there to begin with so I don't care as much as I could about the child dying. Show some closeness and love amongst the three family members to make us care. And maybe make the captain/father care a little more when his daughter dies.

I don't know much about sailing and crews, but I could pick out some things that needed addressing. If a Captain asked when dinner would be ready and the crewman gave the answer "Soon, sir" wouldn't he be forced to walk the plank?

And in the middle of pp. 6: Further is a modifier, farther shows distance. It should be farther.

Good idea, maybe not for the OWC, but a good idea.

James

Seaquake? Certainly didn’t seem like a seaquake to me, seemed more like a storm.  Plus where is the prison cell?  

You have a good idea for a tense drama here – one that has been done well a number of times but nonetheless a good idea - people in a life boat but you don’t have the length to create that tension.

I give this one a PASS.

I have to say, I wasn't fond of this one. I was really excited when I discovered it would be a period piece, but my joy was soon hammered down by the scenes that followed.

In my opinion, the dinner scene was unnecessary. In fact, I think it would be even more engaging for the audience if you start with the storm. It holds no punches, and it sticks you right in the action.

Secondly, Sophia's death was not only ambiguously unexplainable (was it the chill that got to her?), but everyone handled the news fairly well. Now, you may come back and say that Briggs was dead to any emotions, but it still begs the question why Sarah let go of her daughter's body so quickly. No woman (and I mean, no woman) I know would get over her child's death so quickly and quietly. Honestly.

Could someone please explain the metaphor to me? Because apparently, this script is so much more profound than I found it. It seemed to me almost pointless, mostly because it held no emotions towards any of the events that unfolded.

I have no doubt that you can write good stuff; I just did not enjoy this thing. Not in the least.

This wasn’t one of my favourites, I have to admit. I honestly don’t see the point of this script. It’s just a bunch of stuff cobbled together. There is too dramatic a shift in tone between the dinner scene (which serves no purpose) and the beginning of the storm. It’s a bit jarring, and the whole thing never gels.

Another problem, there is no prison cell, and the lifeboat isn’t metaphorical enough to substitute one, so it doesn’t fit the theme and there isn’t nearly enough drama (despite the death of an infant) for it to fit the genre.  I’m sorry to say the writer of this one missed the mark.

I really don’t have anything else to say. Sorry if this sounds a bit harsh, but I really didn’t enjoy this one. Maybe I missed something, I just don’t see the point of it.


Matt.

I didn't see how this fit the theme.

It was well written, with good dialogue and even better descriptions. The story didn't move to fast for me, I thought the pacing was pretty good. It was a drama... but I couldn't see the theme.

If being trapped at the open sea was supposed to be a metaphor for the prison cell, I don't think it works. It's too big in scope.

Overall, a nicely written script, but until the author explains how the theme fits into this... I'm not gonna call it a successful OWC entry. Sorry.

I'll give it a D+

~Zack~  

Interesting, sea-faring tale...Very loose interpretation of the theme at best...Maybe if the people were stuck on the boat with no hope for survival, but as it is, they just have to row a little bit and everything will be OK (they didn't make it)...Don't know why the 2 year old just up and died-SIDS is usually not a risk at that age; Briggs should have stayed with the ship. The fact he didn't is cowardice and he could be court martialed...History doesn't say what happened to Capt. Briggs, and I think you looked at the wrong part of the story...If they were just floating in the lifeboat after the fact with all hope gone, I think that may have suited the challenge better...

For this one I did read other reviews before and after I read it and I won't even go into the theme and genre portions of it.

First, the captain goes down with the ship... he never abandones it. I couldn't tell if it sank or they just left it. Maybe I missed something or whatever but it wasn't all that clear.

The death of his child and such was throwaway at best and had no emotion to it. I felt weird reading how emotionless the whole scene was. The wife as I will call her didn't fight or anything as I would think a mother would and she would notice her child dying before it came to that. She would feel her chest going up and down.

The writing wasn't even that good here. A mere rewrite cannot fix this short.

Maybe this isn't your genre or whatever so keep cracking at it but this just struck out.

I can't offer anything new.  The story didn't sit right with me from the get-go.
You open with the captain waiting for his dinner and this eats up too much time and pages, without doing much for your story.  I think you were trying to establish the captain's character, but I don't think it works well.

Why not open with a sense of drama that helps the story?  Maybe Cap is at the map, charting the course.  At least we would have a sense of where they are at sea and of destination.  We would see him performing captain-like duties.
Or maybe he's lost and doesn't want to admit it.

Since Briggs is in his quarters, why doesn't one of the crew come down early on and tell him about the storm?  This would help establish that Briggs doesn't listen or isn't interested.  He throws caution to the wind.

I didn't get a connection between Briggs, Sarah and the daughter.  There is distance between them and I could never grasp that they were a real family.

When the storm hits, it feels like nobody has a clue.  Grillings tells Briggs that it looks like a storm, "but I'm not sure."  Somebody has to come down and show concern about the weather.

In your opening, you tell us that "the clouds are black."  When the storm hits, we're told that the "sky is clear."

Why get into a lifeboat, when the ship is still standing?  Sarah asks this question and gets a "don't argue" from her husband.  No crew member, with there experience at sea, asks the same question of the Cap.
I found it confusing when the lifeboat rope is cut. The boat falls to the water, but hits the ship's hull on the way down.  Doesn't any of the lifeboat passengers get thrown into the sea?
The daughter's death scene was rushed.  It is indeed a mystery as to what kills her.  Slow down the action and stay true to the character's form.
Sarah, if not Briggs too, should make desperate attempts to revive the child.  In just a matter of seconds, the baby goes from "she's not waking up," to "We'll have to bury her at sea."
I thought that Briggs' reciting of the Lords My Shepherd went on a loooooong time.

I felt like you really stretched the theme, but that's a matter of interpretation.  I felt a bleakness in the story that is carried all the way to the end.  There is drama, but it's not smart drama.  It seems to be about a man who makes bad decision and a crew member who makes an equally bad decision (cuts the lifeboat rope).  Thought it was hilarious when the Grillings cuts the rope and then gets chastised by Briggs.
"Have I taught you nothing?" Briggs says.
I thought, yeah, you've taught him everything!
The story may have worked better if the drama hinged on the captain not wanting to abandon ship and the crew/Sarah wanting to take the lifeboat to safety.
Maybe the ship will have to be damaged so it makes sense that everybody hops aboard the lifeboat.

The writing is OK, but the story seems to take a wrong turn.  The dialogue is kind of by the numbers.  I think you could make the drama more realistic and show the captain's stubborness or vanity, by having the crew want to do the opposite of his orders.  Maybe the crew could be divided.  
Rework and have it make more sense.  it could be a nice drama.  Good luck.

I can't believe how massacred I was!  Sheesh! You guys are harsh!

http://www.maryceleste.net will give you everything you need to know about this true story. Looking back, I see my mistakes. I left out a huge fact and smaller details that would've made a lot more sense and they'll be in the rewrite, whenever I get around to doing it.

I took what made a prison cell: Confinement in a larger area. The lifeboat is the cell and the ocean is the compound. I'm not sorry y'all didn't get it.

The lifeboat nor the bodies were ever found. When the ship was found in December of the same year, a few barrels of alcohol were found tipped over and empty in the cargo hold. Theories say that the crew abandoned in ship in fear of an explosion, except the lifeboat and ship weren't attached and the ship got away from them in the storm. Of course, there's no proof why the abandoned or what happened, but it's just a theory.

I chose what I thought was best for a 12 page script. When the ship was found, dinner was in the cold oven. Dinner was about to be served. The water and sextant (an odd looking navigational tool) were not found. The entire ship was soaked, but nothing was destroyed. That points to a seaquake and not to a storm. Seaquakes are very common the Azores, where the ship was found. It was headed to Genoa and found near the Strait of Gibraltar.

I'll reply to the individual comments not made by this post later.

AB, I love the passion. Passion is a valuable tool for any writer. Knowing this was based on true events, though, doesn't change some of the story faults.

This could have been a very dramatic situation but what was lacking was not in the historical/factual evidence, it was in the story and the characters.

As already pointed out, you obviously know how to tell a story. It was well written, but could have been better like all of them could have been better.

I think the point of these challenges is to get us to try and write under pressure to test our limits. It is good exercise for the writing muscles. And now we all have a little bit more experience for next time.

I hope to see you the next time around.

James R