Last Cigarette by Pete Lane - Short, Drama - Over thirty years of imprisonment have left Stan Blythe a hollow, withered old man with nothing to look forward to but that next cigarette. Will the next be his last? - pdf, format 8)

After reading this, I'm very glad I'm not a smoker.

This was a great short, easily one of my favourite OWC scripts. It's well-written, although some of the descriptions are too long. They should never be in blocks of more than four lines. I also think you have a few too many instances of Stan's voice over saying "fuck me" or "fuck this" or "fuck that". They're not really necessary, so I would cut back on those.

I liked the characters, they were very individualistic; especially Tyler. His rants about rhyming Stan with man and plan had me laughing. I thought he was a great character, even though he was an evil sonavabitch, I still enjoyed him. It was also a relief to read something that was not a revenge story. I suppose it became a kind of revenge story towards the end, but not in the same manner as a lot of the other scripts I've read.

This is also the only challenge script I can remember reading that really tries to open up the prison world. Most of the others take place either in the cell or in the cafeteria. Here, you've used a myriad of other locations that really opens up the prison world. From the yard, to the laundry room and the prison store. There are a lot of different locations which make for a broader story. I think the script benefited from this.

I really don't know what else to say. I thought this was dark and funny and twisted and amusing all at once. It was fast, well-written, well-plotted with strong characters and a real killer of an ending (no pun intended). Excellent work. ;D


Matt.

This is very good. I agree with Matt's comments. This one is definitely one of my favorites. I really like the way you set the thing up carefully and then switch gears for a thrilling finale.

It's also amazing that you managed to resist the temptation to play on the fact that smoking kills. I'd have put that pun on every other line!

Near the beginning you had a couple of things that distracted me. The first is that when the guard (who turns out to be nice) sees the work piling up he calls for a 10 minute break. Without knowing he is actually a nice guy this seems strange.

The second distraction was the line “Just then, all other noise drops out”. It is an odd line that at least does not need the “Just then,”.

Philip

Strongest dialogue yet this go round -- bar none.  Especially when we meet Tyler.  In fact, I may know Tyler.  The dialogue is offset in a very odd manner, format-wise, but I am hard-pressed to trifle with that when it works so well.

Can I hazard a guess that this one was written by a smoker?  You can really feel Stan’s pain.  The small details of prison life incorporated into this script also serve it well.

It builds to a nice, dramatic climax with a sick sense of irony.  While I am not sure a strapping fellow like Tyler would be killed by a single drag -- or if Stan's plan is even possible -- I suppose we can buy into it for the sake of the story.

Not the strongest contender for me, but certainly a top-five so far.

OWC Score: 90%

I agree with the others. It's great.

I think if it was soaked in bleach or some other form of strong, toxic chemical, it could work.

Good job.

Really loved this script. Not only is he in a real life prison but also the prison of old age and the main one of his addiction to nicotine.
Dialogue was really well written especially for Tyler. He had a humour that made him very likeable even though he was a bully.
Only real complaint is some of the descriptions are a little long and slowed down the pace of it.
Other than that though top marks. This one is in my top 3, decisions decisions.

Another good one.  I really enjoyed Stan's dialogue to himself "fuck me, fuck him"  the dialogue seemed to have a rhythm to it which was nice.  The theme and genre fit very well here.  I think Tyler was a good opposition for Stan, he was one fierce jerk.  I also enjoyed the payback Stan gets on Tyler.  The dialogue format seemed a bit off, but no biggie.  Good job.  Now I'm gonna go have a cigarette :P

this is one of my favorite of the revenge scripts. my only small complaint is the same as others have said, the action could be leaner. otherwise, it's got good characters, good format and good dialogue. nice job.

First OWC script I read.  I liked it.  The formatting was good and I didn't notice any typos.  A lot of jails don't allow smoking anymore, did you know that?  Just another reason not to get arrested.  I liked the old guy well enough.  I thought his reaction to the guard in the beginning could have been a little less meek.  He should have told the guy off.  Would have made him a little more interesting.  For that matter he should have told the kid in his cell off too.  The result could be the same, but at least he doesn't submit so easily.  Most young punks in the joint quickly learn to steer clear of the older guys because at the very least they have friends that could make their lives miserable.  So he could be trading on his seniority instead of his strength, something like that.  

Also, I took the challenge to be "prison cell" not the whole prison.  I'm not sure what the rules are exactly, but it felt like you took some license here.    Anyway, solid effort.

I thought this one was nicely written and the challenge was handled quite effectively.  I not sure about the whole toxic cigarette killing someone instantly thing. I don't think it's that easy. But I enjoyed the read and I though it would make an interesting film. I'm giving it a GREENLIGHT.

Apart from the clunky paragraphs of descriptions, I liked this one. Another revenge script, but it was good. Who cares if it may stretch the truth that a cigarette dipped in a toxic chemical may kill a man instantly? It's a good script if you don't think about logical...happenings, I guess.

I really liked Tyler when we first met him. His whole rhyming deal made me smile, but afterwards, he was a bitch. I thought he was gonna be a good guy, too.

What was up the way Stan's voice-overs were formatted? They looked more like poem formats rather than dialogue formats.

This is a good reason for why I don't smoke.

Sean

Really, really good. Seems to be the most realistic view of prison life that I've seen so far (including mine). Liked how this kept to the singular theme of the cigarettes...It never strayed far from it's plot thread at all...Great set up, great characters . They were all real to me, not over the top-even the guard and the trustee selling a desperate man two coffin nails seemed human.
Good story, good execution and a good entry.

It's definitely ironic that the Banner Ad up there is about quitting smoking...

The descriptions here were lengthy, but I could go through them easily. I suppose it doesn't matter if descriptions are lengthy as long as long as the writer can make us feel compelled to read.

The story here was well-developed.  It was realistic and I liked how Stan's V.O told us what he is currently thinking rather than telling a story in past tense. At least that's how I understood it (what the hell was up with the V.O structure anyway?)

That's it for the good...I mean, it's realistic, but only that. Realistic. There's no real hook here. Just an ordinary day in prison. But well-written regardless.

--Julio

      

  Very good read, telegraphed but in the "Yeah, so?" mode.
  Nothing jarring, nothing to bring the characters out of line. Good story, well told.

  Now give me my smoke.

This was great, a really decent read. I will echo what has already been said about your characters, really good job here. Tyler was really good and never took much imagination to see him clearly in my mind.

I will just answer to pwhitcroft however, you say it was strange that the guard called for a break before we got to find out he was a nice guy? I thought the opposite, this is what made us believe he was a nice guy. A really good way to build character through actions as well as dialogue.

The prison life seemed realistic (okay I don't actually know but it seemed real) and was great that you showed us more of prison life rather than just a cell.

Overall a really good job here, nice one!

I thought this was an interesting read; the use of cigarettes was unique and, probably, very realistic.  Unfortunately, I didn't feel for Stan that much.  Maybe if the script was a little longer.  I don't know.  All that you really told us about him involved the cigarettes.  Tyler, I thought, was two dimensional and stereotypical.

I think a rewrite on this script (without any time and space contraints), would do this story wonders, though.  And I wouldn't mind reading it again if it was worked on a little.



Phil

This is one of the best. I didn't love Stan that much at first, but you made Tyler such an a** that I had no choice but to cheer for Stan. Well done.

pp. 9 "yet he still has a lot of fight in him yet" was from the Department of Redundancy Department.

This one really reminded me of a lot of the short films I have seen. Little dialogue with a lot of visual. The descriptions were awesome, I wouldn't change a thing.

Top 5, easily.

James

I enjoyed this one quite a bit. Probably the best I have read so far.

The descriptions were top notch except the few times you told us things (It read like some of the dialogue in Sin City)

The dialogue for the most part was expected. I didn't like the VO's; they just felt pointless except the final one.

Older gentlemen are more sympathetic if they don't swear so much. I would have felt for the guy a little more if the VO's didn't leave a lot to be desired.

His dialogue when talking normal though was good.

Tyler was your stereotypical villain and like most other scripts in this "challenge" played the part. He did start out nice though which was a nice change.

I would definitely like to read more by the writer of this one. Good job.

A quick, interesting read.  I think you captured the feel of the prison world and your dialogue had a nice rhythm.
As another reader mentioned, I too thought that Tyler, a young prisoner, seemed way to cocky.  He enters Stan's cell like he had been in the system a long time -- maybe he had been.  It's his age that makes me think he just arrived.

Anyway, I would have thought Tyler would be more guarded.  But of course, that would spin your story around.

I liked the sympathetic prison guard, the things he did to benefit Stan.
Stan was fascinating in a somewhat 2-D sense.  I just wish you could have brought out more about him as a person.  His existence revolves around a smoke.  that's fine, but I'd like to see you lift his personality above and beyond the cigarette.
Most writers do flesh out such a character, but usually in a very expository way.  You avoided the exposition, but in your case, as a writer with your skills, you could probably figure out a way to give background without making it read flat.

In conclusion, this study is among my favorites.  If for nothing else, your masterful writing style.  While the descriptions at times ran long, I was never bored.  It was a quick ride and I loved the tension and the addiction.  I don't smoke, but I feel like I've been inhaling smoke for the past five minutes .  Excellent job.

this is just my 2 cents but i think Tyler would be cocky because he is young. the younger prisoners are usually the biggest troublemakers because they haven't learned the 'prison code' and are just generally naive.

Great, my identity has been revealed and I can respond to my critics.

First, a big Thank You to all who took the time to read and review Last Cigarette, I really do appreciate it.

I'll start with a few things that were mentioned by multiple reviewers:

~The action blocks were lengthy, I agree (but clunky?). They have been tightened up a bit already.

~Many assumed that Tyler died from the poisoned cigarette, but that's not what I intended. He passed out and fell, but he didn't necessarily die instantly. As I see it, he did die, but it was due to the lack of treatment for the poisoning and head wound (as he fell). I'll clarify that in the script.

~Stan's inner monologue has been tweaked to give him a bit more personality.

~Speaking of Stan's V.O. and its, uh, unique format:  :-/ What I was trying to accomplish was to give the impression of incomplete,  disconnected thought. People don't generally think in complete sentences (I don't at least). It was an experiment that didn't completely work (though still kind of like it). It has been changed.

Now to specific comments:

Quoted from chism This is also the only challenge script I can remember reading that really tries to open up the prison world...

Thanks, that's what I was going for. I resisted taking the story out of the prison, but I wanted to open up the setting as much as possible.

Quoted from pwhitcroft The second distraction was the line “Just then, all other noise drops out”...

What I meant there was that all the crowd noise dropped out as he held the smoke in his lungs. It wasn't clear, it's been changed. Thanks for mentioning it.

Quoted from bert Strongest dialogue yet this go round -- bar none... Can I hazard a guess that this one was written by a smoker?

Wow, thanks Bert, that's very kind. No, I'm not a smoker, but I've lived with a few.

That about does it. Thanks again for all the fair critiques and very nice compliments. This was my first  script submitted to an OWC and to SimplyScripts, so I'm pleased with the generally positive response. I'm working on another draft now. I admit it won't be significantly different, but all (well, most) comments will be taken into consideration and will help make it better, I'm sure.

Any further comments or questions are very welcome. ;)

Pete,

You've not had a comment on this for a while, so I'm glad to bring it back into view. It may now get read by some who haven't yet had the pleasure.

It's a strongly written piece. I see most of what I was going to add has already been said by others.

Just to say the pages flew by. Good dialogue and an intriguing story.

It does make cigarettes taste a little different afterwards. Get some more work up, I'd like to see some.

Re

Very good script. Beautifully written. Very filmable IMO. Everyone else seemed to like it. I won't argue with them.

I have only one problem. I'm a huge realist. Bleach or painting chemicals dipped on a ciggy would never kill somebody that quick. Even Anthrax takes longer than that. If you've got some magic chemical concoction to take someone out with one hit, please let me know... My ex still smokes. lol.

Great work overall...              James

Quoted from jwent6688 I have only one problem. I'm a huge realist. Bleach or painting chemicals dipped on a ciggy would never kill somebody that quick...

First, thanks for the read and the kind words. It's been a year and a half since I wrote this and I really didn't expect to get any more reads out of it.

Getting to your point, which I addressed earlier, but I don't mind mentioning it again.

I didn't mean to imply that the cigarette killed him that quickly - or killed him at all in fact. I intended for the chemical concoction to sicken him and make him lose consciousness, which caused him to collapse and slam his head on the toilet. I know it's not clear, which is my fault.

Thanks again for taking the time to read and comment on it! :)

~Pete

Sorry for not reading previous posts. I can agree I gues as we plow through our scripts, most people will assume he's died. Even on film, i don't know how you could show this any different. Not much of a big deal, though. I purposely try to nit-pic just in case it may help. Very well written, actually envious of your skills.

Love to see something else from you...                James

first script I have read for quite some time. I really enjoyed this.
Being a smoker, I understood what Stan was going through and yes, you would almost kill for another cigarette, if you are an addicted smoker....
great little story...I truly enjoyed it.

Thanks again James and rendevous (I almost forgot to thank you).

Thanks, Elis, for the read and the comments.

Is there anything in particular that any of you would like me to read and review? I would only be fair. Thanks for dusting off this old thread. ;)

I've got one script up so far, but I'm pretty much done with working on it. So I'd like to save your review for some of my new stuff. I'll let you know when its posted. If your bored my current script is attached to my signature. It would almost be a waste though, I've no plans to revise it.

Hey Pete,
That was a fun, quick read. Great characters and great dialogue! I was bummed for the conclusion of the ol' man, which means you did your job. I obviously really cared about him. Impressive for something so short.

B

I had the worst fucking time posting this.  Fucking PC piece of crap can't do simple fucking tasks.  Holy crapcake.  

Anyway, Hey Pete,

Thought I'd bump this up for you.

Nice easy read here.  It takes a pretty bad thing with smoking and actually turns it into something I liked by the end with how Stan used it to kill Tyler.

Right off the bat there's a couple big chunks of description.  I'd break that up if you were to ever revise this. The VOs also seemed a bit strange for this piece.  Aside from the very last one, they weren't very effective at all and I think they could be used as regular dialogue for Stan since most of them are just "fuck this, fuck that."  Didn't really seem like the best of times to use them.

I don't know how much I was supposed to feel for Stan.  I feel for him in the sense that he's an older guy and he's been there a while, but since his backstory is a mystery I'm not exactly sure if I should feel for him.  Regardless, the exchanges between him and Tyler were good and the ending was a nice little packaged deal where the bad guy(s?) die really because of smoking haha.  

So a nice easy piece here.  Hope ya get some looks.

-Greg

Quoted from greg Nice easy read here...

Thanks for the read and the bump!

I haven't done anything with this script in well over a year. I do intend to do another draft some time in '10, but it's not a priority.

Quoted Text Hope ya get some looks.

I always appreciate another pair of eyes. ;)

Pete,

So this one got to the top of the influx pile so I read it.  Great idea, nicely executed.

Sure, the VO was questionable, the dialogue was formatted a little oddly in places and some descrption was a little longish in places but I could see (and hear) in my head what was happening in your script. That's what really worked for me.

Gary

Thanks for the read, Gary.