Scarefest episode 2 - New Message by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) - Short, Horror - Jenna begins to begins to receive strange messages that seem to be counting down to something,… but what? - pdf, format 8)

Hey Sean,

I really liked this. It had a J-Horror like feel to it. I also really like how you never really explain what is after Jenna. Not knowing makes it creepier.

I think you really captured the characters very well. They act and talk like real high school kids.

As usual with you, format is top notch and your descriptions offer good visual images.

The messages Jenna continued to recieve were creepy and kept the script suspenseful.

The only real complaint I have is a bit personal. I would have liked to see Jenna find Jeff's body(if he is dead). That wold have made the ending stronger in my opinion.

Overall, Great job. I loved it. 9/10

~Zack~

Hey Sean

The dialgoue was great, the story flowed well and at the right times, everything top notch. I guess the only thing is some people would have a problem the ending. There is a film black christmas (not the modern version), I suggest you watch it since its familiar to this.

But for me, I think I would like to know . Because everything is built up to this part, and then the audience members are cheated. Or show what happens to Jenna.

Hope this helps,
Gabe

Thanks, Zack and Mr. Ripley, for reading.

Zack: Glad you liked it. The thing about Jeff...you don't know if he's dead or not. Some people may even come to the conclusion that it's him who's "stalking" Jenna, so there's a tiny twist there.

Mr. Ripley: What I like about some horror movies is not knowing what you're against. Leaving the scary part out just makes it even more scary because your imagination can make it anything you'd like (for those with overactive imaginations). I feel that if you see what's attacking people, it just doesn't make it scary. That's just my opinion though...

Thanks for reading, again!

Sean

I see that there are many of these scarefest scripts so I thought I would check one out to see what they are like.

I think the idea here is interesting, but not very original, I have recently seen a movie with Al Pacino where he gets a phone call saying he will die in 88 minutes, this had the same feel.

It also had the feel to the ring as well.

I also think the dialogue was awkward, it felt very forced.

What does work are the descriptions, very nicely written.  I also think the last couple pages were strong and had some genuine tension.

I think with better dialogue the story would be work better.  Still a good effort.

Good stuff. This one was really creepy.  

Your descriptions were creative and flowed smoothly. The dialogue seemed real and convincing (you probably spend a lot of time around teenage girls). What was neat about this short was the original ways in which you kept Jenna updated on how much time she had left. The instant message was pretty eerie and the whole deal with the clock was disturbing. Good job, this was really creative. Do I have any issues with it? Yeah. Why is Jenna being targeted?

Other than that, good job. I’m thinking about using this whole countdown till death gag on a buddy of mine.  If I were wearing a hat, I’d tip it to you.

-Zavier

Hey Sean, just got done here.  I was excited when I saw these "Sacrefest" scripts up, but so far, I'm sorry to say that I am not impressed.

This didn't work for me on any level.  I found the dialogue to be extremely unrealistic and down right dull.  So much about texting, AIM software, and the like.  It was just downright uninteresting.  One problem could be that I am not in High School or anywhere near that age, so for me, it was all pointless.

The bulk of the script is really about pretty much nothing. I couldn't get much of a feel for anyone or anything.  The characters actions didn't seem very realistic either.  You say they've been in school for 6 months already, yet it's the first time Jenna has approached Jeff - doesn't seem right.  Also, with all the tech stuff, why in the world would they resort to good old pen and paper for exchanging phone #'s?  Just felt odd.

Lots of attempted build up didn't deliver in the end either.  I was actually hoping that it would, but I felt very let down.  I have nothing against the question marks you left us with, but I was needing alot more in actual action.

Someone mentioned that this has a J-Horror feeling.  That's obviously true because it's nothing more than a mish mash of J-Horror movies strung together.

Sorry to sound so critical, but I'd rather not sugar coat my thoughts.  You know how to write and your formatting and flow are fine, I think you just need a story that is entertaining, engaging, and believable, as well as some good characters that the audience will enjoy and route for.

Best of luck.  

Good idea of suspense leading up to the final slam with Jenna being dragged across the linoleum...The teen dialogue was OK, although I think the idea of Jeff being a Jock type, he might have already known Jenna as being a cheerleader, they would go to games together, pep rallys, that sort of thing...after six months of school, that seems a little awkward...I would have liked to see Jenna try to do something to ward off her attacker...She's so weak...Grab a knife, fireplace poker- do something, girl! Fight back! Conflict! She got Jeff's phone number she can fight off this thing that is messing with her, or at least try...Passive heroine. Things happen to her. She doesn't, that we know of, make things happen because of her character and the fact she is who she is. (Yes, I've been reading about this topic)

Another suggestion would be to count it down in the 15 minute mark, given the one minute per page rule...All the techno stuff starts happening...Her girl friends freak out and leave...Jeff shows up in a panic...He gets killed...she figures out why this is happening and ultimatly resigns herself to fate.

Still an enjoyable story, though.

Hey Sean,

My overall problem with this script is that nothing really happens for the better part of the script. The opening scene takes up almost half of the script and because of that your second act kicks in too late. I suggest you cut back on Valerie and Christina since they don't really bring anything to the table that is overly needed for the story to unfold. You could easily shift some of the dialogue around and focus much more on Jenna (and maybe Jeff).

I don't like when things start to happen without any real meaning to them. I mean, who was after and why? And how can anybody be that technical as to erase messages, alter ringtones etc., it just seems too far fetched without a proper third act to tie everything together.

The script, however, was well written and had a good pace.


Cheers
Rob

Hey Sean

The girls chat is nice and realistic but 5 pages in and not much has happened.  
In a short I think you need to pull people in straight away.

Jenna sits down at her computer and turns on her TV?  That reads a bit weird to me.

Jeff says they'll wait 6 minutes, after Jenna says the last message said 19 minutes.  How does Jeff know when she recieved the message so that he only has to wait 6 minutes?  Does that make sense?

Like Jeff's ringtone and how it's relevent to the story.

The singing fish is a great idea of alerting Jenna someones behind her.

What...where's the ending!

This had a slow build up and gradually the tension grew until the count down but then you didn't deliver an outcome.  What's it all about?  What's Jeff's purpose?  Who's in the house and why?  I was getting inot this but felt let down by the ending.

Hi Sean,

I am trying to read all the scarefest scripts this week, so this morning I had a read of yours and It was pretty good. It has been quite a while since I was in school and of course never been to a US high school so it was difficult to have any kind of empathy with the characters, the dialogue may well have been realistic (and to be fair from what I have seen on TV it sounded good) and there were one or two phrases I am unsure of, 'Preppy'? I have heard of 'prep kids' and am guessing it is something to do with that, is it a look? Anyway, not important as these kind of films are generally made for an audience that i am not really part of so the fact that I do not get some of it is probably a good thing. The last thing you need is for a high school horror movie to be 'got' by fat middle aged blokes - not really that cool! HaHa.

Not being a horror buff I also have never heard of "J-Horror" though could guess the J stands for Japanese? If that is the case I can certainly see where people are coming from, I have seen one or two of these Japanese Horrors and their Hollywood remakes and I can see the similarities.

While your action was described well I think it certainly got better the further we got through the script, I feel that sometimes you overdid it and used far more words than was really necessary, there is one that springs to mind as an example if you do not mind?

Quoted Text He rips a piece of paper from his notebook. Jenna hands him a pen. He writes his number down and hands it to her. Jenna writes hers down.                           JENNA                Here’s mine. She hands him her number. They both smile at each other and Jeff walks off.

Now could all of that not have been said with..

"They swap phone numbers." ?

To be really picky I would say they would not write down the numbers anyway but put them straight into their phones.

Anyway, It was great idea and did work and can imagine this being a scary little short.

Nice one.

Hey Sean,

These scripts were supposed to be written almost as quickly as the OWC, so in saying that, I think you did pretty well. I had to bow out.

The beginning of the script was slow. A lot of talking about nothing really, just small talk. I think you should throw some kind of violence or death in there to get it moving.

I didn't understand why when things did start happening. I mean your descriptions were good ;D, good format, but where is the story? Why is this a story? Who or what is the killer? And why?

I hope you do a rewrite to this one. I'd like to see it.

Cindy

Hi Sean

I liked this one, it was well written and had some interesting ideas. I agree with most of what has already been said, especially regarding the opening 6 pages. I think they could have been trimmed down or spent on more on Jenna herself.

I found the dialouge a little off and on. For the most part it works fine.  I cant say I felt any emotion for any of the characters but I imagine it is hard to build up development in a short space of time.

I did like the pacing once Jenna recieved the text message and it left me guessing what was going to happen. I think you described the actions well and created a good atmosphere. The fish sensor was a good touch and I liked the idea of her being dragged away by someone or something unknown.

I was kind of disapointed with the ending. I felt it was building up to some kind of twist or explanation, rational or supernatural. It finished just when it was getting interesting. But then, thats also probably a good thing.

Hey everyone,

Sorry I couldn't reply sooner. I was on vacation.

Anyways, the whole "almost half the script is three girls talking" thing, just to get to know the characters. But I guess when it comes to a 15 page short with a horror genre and theme, I guess something like that isn't necessary.

Like I've stated before, I think a horror movie is better off leaving you thinking what was after them, though I guess I should show more than a figure in the reflection of the window and a figure standing at the window in the house. The ending leaves you thinking: what's after her? Is is Jeff who's doing all of this? Why is she being targeted?

Then again, it looks like the majority of you don't like to have to ask those questions. Maybe I can try and fluff this out a bit more...or maybe make a sequel to it for the next Scarefest.

Thanks for the comments, everyone.

Sean

Hey Sean,

Gave this a read and while it isn't your best work there's a lot of good stuff in it.  The slow build up of suspense is done quite well in this script.  Getting to know the characters is a good thing.  Though I still felt the main character wasn't three dimensional enough because I still would like to know more about her, I could have cared for her more than I did.

A couple of things I had issues with.

The first was jargon. You had a bit of jargon in this, school jargon (something about exempt). Computer jargon (AIM, viruses).  While some of these are understandable you can easily exclude people.  I don't think this is what you are after which is why I mentioned it.

Secondly, the phone conversation is too long. Phone conversations are boring. I would look for a different way to present this.   The chatter between the girls is a bit long as well.  I would look for ways to cut this but I wouldn't chop it too much because you do want to get to know the main character.

Lastly, the ending.  I don't have a problem with leaving people hanging at the end of a script (or in the middle of one for that matter).  But I did think this story needed more resolution.  If you set us up with some suspects then you need to deliver the culprit, plain and simple.

Anyway, those are my thoughts.  Good job, especially considering the time span.

Michael

Michael,

I would have liked to build up on Jenna a bit more, but with the page limit, I really had no choice but to keep it on the down low I guess.

With the school and computer "jargon" (I've never heard of that word by the way, ha ha), I wanted people to relate to the characters, sort of. Because these days, your normal and stereotypical school teens want to try and exempt class finals, and they're all over AOL Instant Messenger these days.

I'll see if there's a way to shorten the script down by taking some of the chatter away.

Yeh, I'm considering about making this into a series within a series. I'll try and answer unanswered questions and whatnot, and hopefully make people understand.

Thanks for reading, and thanks for the review.

Sean

I liked the feeling of the countdown, something mysterious on the way. The beginning is way too long, why not open the story with Jenna getting one of the messages?  The gimmick of the countdown was really nice, that propels the story very well, but I'd suggest dropping the dialogue reference to the J Horror films, it's too much of a wink and nudge.  

In consecutive scenes, Jenna mentions getting e-mails saying " 3 days" then "One day" , but mentions different days to different people. If she's telling the same story wouldn't she mention the 3 days/1 day to both? it's a small thing but in the dialogue it reads awkward, like an inconsistency.

But overall you went for a less is more feel and avoided blood and guts, looking to shock instead of assault with gore, so kudos there. The story has a neat little "Night Gallery" feel but did you maybe tip off the shocker too early?   Am wondering if you should play it out as late as possible that it IS some joke or prank from her Jeff or her parents, someone planning a nice surprise instead of the grisly one coming up. Maybe set the story in the hours counting down to her birthday to throw in another red herring.  It might be something of a cruel joke  ;D but maybe if she believes...as late as possible...that a good thing is on the way...the final page when the clock & TV & fish go bonkers and she's dragged away might have more impact.

Mike,

The beginning was just a "who is who" deal. Get to know the characters. And I wanted to add the reference to the J-horror films so people won't be like, "Oh it's just like THAT movie!" And I wanted the characters to act like audience members if they were in the situation.

With the whole 3 day/1 day deal...She mentions she got the first weird message by email 3 days ago to Jeff. But she just makes things brief to her friends saying that she got a weird message on her phone a day ago, and just decides not to mention the email she got before. If that makes sense to you.

Yeh, I realized this is one of my first horror scripts that doesn't have any gore in it whatsoever. I wanted to focus more on suspense and stuff rather than get bloody and messy.

And I think I know what you're saying. Her friends/family send all the messages as the countdown, then it ends up being a suprise party or something. Then after the party things get weird again, and that's when she gets dragged into the room? I don't know, I feel as though it might cheat the audience and be a little cliche. Besides, how are they going to make the text message disappear, make AIM come up when it's been deleted, and have it shut back down after the message goes through?

Thanks for the comment,

Sean

This was obviously inspired by the many J-horror movies...I remember seeing one called phone. They all start to blur after awhile. Its cool that you mention a few in dialogue. a bit tongue in cheek. I didn't really like the characters but they fit with the story. I think their dialogue was mostly realistic. They're all pretty vapid and I think it fits well because those characters seem to be the most reliant on phones. I like that you always find time to introduce and spend time with the characters before the real horror happens. But here It doesn't really matter because the characters aren't really likable. You don't really get an impression from them.
The j-horror part was a okay read but it was completely predictable and not really original. I was expecting a twist that would have it stand out. I was thinking that it was all a joke and she was set up by her friends and at the end of the countdown something funny was going to happen. kindof like an April Fool's Day ending or something.
Good writing but the story was only okay.

-SHAWN

Quoted from Zombie Sean Mike, The beginning was just a "who is who" deal. Get to know the characters. And I wanted to add the reference to the J-horror films so people won't be like, "Oh it's just like THAT movie!" And I wanted the characters to act like audience members if they were in the situation. With the whole 3 day/1 day deal...She mentions she got the first weird message by email 3 days ago to Jeff. But she just makes things brief to her friends saying that she got a weird message on her phone a day ago, and just decides not to mention the email she got before. If that makes sense to you. Yeh, I realized this is one of my first horror scripts that doesn't have any gore in it whatsoever. I wanted to focus more on suspense and stuff rather than get bloody and messy. And I think I know what you're saying. Her friends/family send all the messages as the countdown, then it ends up being a suprise party or something. Then after the party things get weird again, and that's when she gets dragged into the room? I don't know, I feel as though it might cheat the audience and be a little cliche. Besides, how are they going to make the text message disappear, make AIM come up when it's been deleted, and have it shut back down after the message goes through? Thanks for the comment, Sean

Cool thanks for clarifying. After having my fill of J-Horror, I really did like the concept of and acceleation of the messages, it works to torque the suspense up, good job.

Shawn,

Thanks for reading. The characters I would have fleshed out more if there were a bigger page limit. Would it still be a horror if it ended in a prank?

Quoted from mikep Cool thanks for clarifying. After having my fill of J-Horror, I really did like the concept of and acceleation of the messages, it works to torque the suspense up, good job.

Well, I'm glad you liked it, then. This this is probably my first very simple script I've submitted here, I want to try and film it this summer. Hopefully, the suspense build up with the messages and stuff will be better once it's off of paper and onto film.

Hey Sean,

Like others have said, this was obviously inspired by J-horror but I don't think anyone can knock it for being like The Ring, The Eye, Dark Water, etc. You really didn't borrow as much from those ones as you did One Missed Call. I did think you upped the antee a little though. In One Missed Call (I've only seen the original), the victims get one message then are basically thrust into a haze of uncertainty. Here, the messages are persistent, which made things a lot more suspenseful, I think. This is what I liked about your script but I still think it needs work.

So apparently, there is a page limit on these Scarefest scripts. Fair enough. It's not always easy to develop several characters in such a short period of time. Here though, I think you could easily have developed Jenna as a character. When you introduce your characters (I think they need to be described better BTW; how can Jenna be the cheerleader if she's dressed the same as her friends, what exactly is "quiet-looking?", etc.), they're basically talking about inconsequential things. Again, fair enough... for an introduction. This stuff goes on for six pages. You introduce Jeff within this time period, which is good, but meanwhile, your characters are bickering about padlocks and text messages when you could be developing them some. Some of this dialogue should probably stay. It gives a good sense of what kind of girls these are (a little ditzy, don't you think?) but some more in depth development would make at least Jenna seem a little less ditzy and more sympathetic.

You've also got some issues with the story itself. First off, if Jenna's been getting messages for days, she'd be a basket case by now. I'd say get rid of that line and start with the "4 hours" text from who/whatever sent it. Second, there's no payoff here. Just Jenna getting sucked into a dark room. If you wanted people to wonder whether or not Jeff was stalking her, you'd probably have wanted to leave this unseen force out. With it in there, you'd want to have some sort of evil force or whatever to make an appearance. If you want things to be a little more ambiguous, which is what I think you want at this point, than you have to rework your ending entirely so no one can rule out that Jeff is Jenna's stalker.

Overall, a little derivitive (the One Missed Call influence is undeniable) but I think you managed to side-step the "rip-off" label by varying the origins of the messages as well as making the messages repetitive. You've also got a fair amount of suspense here and, even though I'd like to see them more developed, your characters seem real enough for high school girls. I have two younger sisters so I know how much they love their text messaging.

This is a relatively strong base. I just think you need to build on it some.

Hey Sean,

I thought your script worked as a suspensful and tension building horror tale.  However... the ending!  I hear what you're saying about leaving things to the imagination and the horror of the unknown and I agree that it's an effective approach in some instances... but in this one I think the audience really needs something, what that something is I'll leave to you.  I was really feeling the tension build and was glued to the page as I was excitedly nearing what I tought was gonna be a twist ending or some great revelation, but alas, all I got was a big '?'

Overall all though it was good for what it was, and it had me all the way up til the ending.

Nice work.

I have to say that I did not like this very much. I thought the dialouge was incredib;y weak. It didn't flow for me. You build this story so much and as a reader I'm waiting for this great ending and then nothing. Very boring. Just a pet peeve of mine also, you mention twice the character's voice echoing throughout the house. Voices don't echo in a fully furnished home. It just doesn't happen. This whole thing seemed like you needed to crank out 16 pages by a deadline and that's all you really did. Better luck next time.