Scarefest episode 5 - Sanctus Secretus by T. Joseph Fraser (Blakkewolf) - Short, Horror - A man tries to provide closure for a tormented spirit in a haunted house. - pdf, format 8)

Hey T. Joseph,

This was an interesting take on the haunted house sub-genre. While not perfect, it is still an entertaining read.

You definetly have a creepy, entertaining story here, but the pacing is off. Everything happens to fast. I felt like you were trying to force the script onto me. Luckly, the story was interesting enough that I didn't mind having the story forced onto me a little.

The scene where Chet is attacked by the ghost is awsome. Very visual and very creepy. I loved it.

I kinda predicted the ending, but I still enjoyed it.

Overall, this is a good horror script, but there is room for improvement. 7/10

~Zack~

Hey Joseph,


No complaints here really except that I still think Maria isn't needed really if she only has, like, three lines. It'd be best to keep the number of characters at a minimum for 15 pages. She appears in only the first two and disappears.

Like I said before, this sort of reminds me of more like a 70s or 80s supernatural thriller, mostly because of the dialogue. If you were going for more of a modern time deal, then I suggest you work on your dialogue a bit. Just a bit.

Other than that, good script, good descriptions, good job.

Sean

First, thanks Zack for putting this collection together...Looking forward to diving headlong into the carnage and see what horrors have been wrought.

This was a bit longer and had to be trimmed back some to hit the 15 page target, so I might have over-edited in someplaces...I would have liked to have developed the "relationship" with Dave and Emily a little more...

I liked that scene with Chet, too. He's representative of some my sisters ex-boyfriends, and if I could've dished out some of what Emily did, I would have.

I kept Maria because she defined a bit of Daves character as a old fashioned guy, which is part of why Emily trusted him...They are engaged, but not living together, she being very Catholic and Dave, well, he does love her and plays along for the sake of thier future.

The dialogue seems real enough to me, but I'm an old fart and not down with the lingo the kids are tossing around nowadays (I don't even know how to text message...WTF?) My bad, dawg. Could you suggest a good reference?

Thanks again, Zack, Sean and Don...

Hey Jospeh,

First of all - cool title, dude! Second, I think you should lose the opening "Helicopter Shot", save it for a shooting script.

I really liked this one, it had a rich atmosphere that you maintained through the entire script. The story was the good old haunted house routine, with the usual scare-tactics, but it's been a while since I've read a ghost story so this was a nice change.

Your descriptions flowed really well throughout the script and you kept a good pace. I felt that there maybe was a couple of more characters in this script than it actually warranted. Only negative in my book was Dave's reaction when Emiliy disappears from the photo. Personally, I wouldn't go "Interesting. Wonder what happened
to Emily Ruth...", I would be more like "Holy shit!" - but that's just me.

Also, Raquel seems pretty cold when she leaves Dave by the attic, "Suit yourself. Let me know how it goes.", I think you should tweek that line too.


Cheers
Rob

Hey there Blakkwolfe, this is #7 of the 8 for me.

Not bad in most regards.  As I've said a number of times on the other "Scarefest" scripts, I think it's really difficult to even remotely develop characters in a short, especially in a short horror, where one would think the majority of prose would be some sort of horror, or at least action.  There isn't much action here and you've introduced quite a number of characters...probably too many.  Just not enough space to develop a back story or develop your characters.

For the most part, though, I think this works better than most.  Everything happens pretty quickly but again, 15 pages isn't alot to work with.  I'd agree that your dialogue isn't the strongest, but on the positive side, I didn't find it to be completely unbelievable at all.  Also, some of your scenes involving multiple characters don't quite ring true, especially in the end when Dave goes upstairs by himself, and then the girl just walks in and says something like, "I'll call the police".  I think you needed a bit more here for dramatic purposes.  Finally, I'd lose the beginning VO as wel the final one.  They didn't really add much IMO.

Good job though bud.  Keep it up!

Thanks Rob and Dream for your comments...

I'm glad you liked the title...Latin=scary

I read once that Stephen King said that every writer should have one haunted house script, so this was mine...It is hard to flesh out substantial characters in a short space, and Dave came out a little more generic than I would have liked...This was based on a real house that we lived in for a short time...It was haunted, though not to this extent...Maybe Maria could have been erased and had Raquel as a friend/unrequited love interest for Dave to add a little conflict for him...Admit the final voice over was to try to put a quick bow on the story (which was running too long) and incorporate the title in the dialogue...Originally Had raquel fighting with Dave in the attic, but decided it worked better with Dave going solo...Even though Raquel was a nurse and seen some sick stuff, she would have certainly been moved herself to see what was in the chest before just coldly announcing she was going to call the cops...Thanks for your thoughts and critique.

Hey Joseph,

I think this would be better suited to a 45 - 60 page script because there is a lot going on here.

I though it was a good read though, lots of creepyness.

I do have a question though.
What was going on with the fire, and the boiling water?

Okay, two questions...
How did the ghost die? I mean I know she was murdered, and I know why, but how?

I think how she died is how she should haunt the others.
If it was by suffocating, then I think she would make the others feel the same in stead of using fire...

My thoughts,
Cindy    

Hey Cindy, thank you for reading...I might revisit this in a longer format (which is good because I want to start venturing into features)..alot was crammed in to try and fit the page count...The fire and the boiling water, in addition to visually looking cool on screen, was a hallucination used by the ghosts to drive them away...The boiling water was Emily's attempt to drive away Chet and the fire was Millie's attempt to keep Dave and Thresa from finding out anything more about Emily...I know, ghosts can't DO that, but it seemed good for the movie...
Emily and the child were stabbed to death... Looks like I deleted that...When Dave first see's Millie in the attic, she is holding a knife dripping with blood...Thanks very much for your insight and your thoughts...

T. Joe

Hey Blakkwolfe

Not wanting to start on a negative foot but I noticed a few spelling mistakes early on but hey ho best not to dwell so I'll carry on.

Woh you didn't hang around in the story, I guess in a 16 pager you can't afford to.  The bathroom scene was quite spooky too.

Typo when Dave refers to the ghost as him, unless he's suppose to?

I thought the buriel at the beginning was going to have some sort of relevence to the story but it didn't.  Also I wonder why things just started to happen?  Did the buriel start the events?

This was an interesting read but it felt as though too much was left unexplained.  Were Emily and her child burned and that's why people thought they were on fire?

In all it just felt a bit rushed and too condensed.  I know there was a page limit so you had no choice but maybe now you could expand this and fill in the blanks. I feel this was strengthen the story.

Quoted from alffy I thought the buriel at the beginning was going to have some sort of relevence to the story but it didn't.  Also I wonder why things just started to happen?  Did the buriel start the events?

Thanks for taking a look. Yes, the burial of the parakeet started the whole chain of events as the root of the story is that Emily felt that she and her baby never got a proper burial, and she figures, if he's willing to see to it that a pet gets treated properly, then maybe he would do the same for her... All that is subtext though, it's hard to build these layers with a tight page limit...Maybe around Halloween time I'll come back to it, expand upon it and stretch it out as you and Cindy have suggested...

The burning was a mental trick by Millie, and it's just for cinematic effect...He could have just gone up into the attic and found the chest, but that would be too anticlimatic...Had to give the ghosts some tools to fight back with...

Hi Blackkwolfe,

This was a good read, lots going on here but it all worked pretty well. I really like your character descriptions, not too long or over descriptive but to the point and successfully done.

There were a lot of characters introduced right up at the start however and that always seems to cause me to re-read the beginning a few times just to make sure I know who is who etc.. but that is more about me reading scripts I guess, watching the movie is much easier of course.

It could be accused of being fairly cliched and run of the mill, but hey its a haunted house script and you gave exactly what should be in one. I liked the bathroom scene, I can picture that on screen and it would a scary scene, same in the attic with the burning. If this was expanded it would make for a really good horror film I think, definitely worth doing.

It is hard to pack so much into 15 pages and still develop every character fully so allowances need to be made but if you were to extend this I would like to see more about Chet and how he fits into all of this. Is he related? and why is he such an arse? I am not sure being a yuppie is a good enough excuse! (nearly anyway ;-)) And that would be my only real gripe is that I never really knew enough about the characters and therefore did not really care for them that much. I did not even care that much for Theresa and though she came accross as a bit of a bitch - was that intentional?

Anyway, great read, really good stab at a haunted house story that of course has been told hundreds of time before, you managed to make it interesting and different enough so good job on that front. Nice one!

Thanks, Gary...

Chet is related...He is a yuppie schmuck who thinks he's way better than everyone else...I toned him down quite a bit, plus he had to be vile to deserve what Emily gave him in the bathroom....Theresa is Theresa, she's a princess who looks good in a nighty and is a woman now, damn it...I would have liked to have developed Raquel more, and built in that sexual tension between she and Dave...

I think what I've learned from this, the OWC and the Wicked Dead is that the stories and characters are there to support a feature length script, I just have a mental block, maybe a confidence thing, about being able to do it...

The idea of having some space to expand, stretch out a little a bit past any page limits, is definitly appealing, though, so maybe it's time to step up to the big diving board, jump a bit, hold my nose and cannonball into it...

Thanks very much. I appreciate your time and your comments.

Hey Blakkwolfe,

Sorry for leaving you to second last, but I've ben kind of tired of lately. What a interesting ghost story you have. Given enough pages more would have been done. I'm in the same boat with you for my Scarefest script. Nevertheless, you have good descriptons, the stories pacing was a bit off at times but I think you tried to compact alot of information. For example, you reveal too many characters in the beginning. I had to go back and re-read again slowly to make sure I followed correctly. Reduce it or show us those that are relevant towards moving the story.

The dialgoue was alright. I don't know why but, the dialgoue reminds me of Bret Easton Eillis. lol. The end dialgoue though reminds me of Beyond Belief, which IMO I liked. God how I loved that show. I was expecting flashing lights and then Jonathan Fraser to appear. lol.

Why not show us the death transpire? Show it like Dave is witnessing it. And then reveal the body. Just a suggestion.

Hope this helps,
Gabe

Thanks for reading, Gabe...Glad you enjoyed the ghost story, and I'm kind of done trying to write in little boxes for the time being, at least until the next OWC...Don't know Bret Ellis, but I'll google him...Never saw Beyond Belief, but I had to wrap it up and wanted to use the title to close the story...

Love the idea of him seeing the death transpire, and will definitly incorporate that into the rewrite...I'd like this to be more of a mystery, where the ghost reveals little by little what happened and gradually gets Dave to believe in her and ulitimatly risk his neck to "save" her (give her a proper burial, in her mind)...

Thanks again.

T. Joe Fraser

I thought this one was fine. It's a good idea, I just felt like it wasn't executed properly. The story didn't flow for me. I thought Chet was way over the top about moving his car. I thought Raquel was mean when she left Dave at the top of the stairs, but then she comes back after all the screaming and other noises? Didn't make much sense. She's either scared or not. Once again, you have a decent idea, but it needs work.

And as for the folks saying that your ending was predictable, they need to be clearer. Predictable as in Emily was someone who was murdered in the house and that's why she's haunting, then yes. But isn't that every haunting movie? I'm sorry, but no one predicted that she and her baby were murdered because of an incestual relationship. Please be clear when you state something is predictable.

This was a good read. Very spooky feel to it, so fits horror genre very well.

Few typos but nothing major.

A lot going on for a short, (not in a bad way), would like to see this extended to feature. I think it would work real well.

Only the second of the scarefest that i've read, and both have been received well, so good job! I don't think I can comment on simply scripts about the other one i've read though, seen as my fiance wrote it...lol

Anyway not much else to say, but well written and easy to read.

Hey Blakkewolf,

This script didn't really work for me.  I felt the pacing was off and it didn't quite flow well.  It felt too rushed once the spookiness started.  I could see and appreciate what you were trying to do though.

There were some typos.  I think there were a couple of instances where Marie was written instead of Maria.

With some re-working and a bigger page count, I think this could be a good ghost story.

Hey Pants, Aspiring and Yohn...Thanks to all you for taking time to read and comment on this and the other Scarefest scripts!  

Pants; I agree with the pacing issue; I over edited to hit the 15 page target and in doing so think I attempted to cover too much ground in too short of a story...Chet was actually toned down a bit from his original yuppie scum state...He's a just a jerk...Tried to make a correlation between him and Emily's Dad, though whether or not that was successfull? Eh, maybe not so much...Originally, Raquel was in the attic kickin' butt with Dave, but that got edited out too...

Aspiring; Course you can comment on your honey's script! My wife is my toughest critic by a long shot (But she hates ghost stories so she skipped over this one) I'm glad you enjoyed the spooky feel, that's what I was going for...

Yohn; Thanks for the honest opinion...I did rush it abit cause I had a few other things due in the same time frame, and again I need to let the characters breath, expand and grow on thier own instead of pushing them too hard...

Thanks again for looking at this...

T. Joe.