Hope Falls by Stewart Wadwell & James Rosencrans - Horror, Sci Fi - An ex-con must save a small town from invading alien parasites while battling a corrupt Sheriff out to avenge his brother’s death 114 pages - pdf, format 8)

I've decided to post one of my feature length scripts on here (this is my first post of a feature to date).

It's a fun premise along the lines of Tremors, Critters and Eight Legged Freaks. Will it win an Oscar? No. But hopefully it'll put a smile on one or two faces.

I had my good friend and fellow screenwriter co-write the last draft with me.

Enjoy.

Stew

Hey, MacDuff

So, my approach to reviewing is little different than what I normal do. But I'm going to read it in seciond of about 33pgs. So, I should have about three of these coming, I'm only writing so much because I noticed you had no reviews and I liked the story so  much...


Hope Falls by Stewart Wadwell & James Rosencrans – Sci Fi/Horror

Premise (promise): An ex-con must save a small town from invading alien parasites while battling corrupt cops out to avenge their brother’s death.

  What I think of the premise. Immediate opportunity for your main character who was an ex con, obviously he has a problem in how he treats people. First, does this ordeal fix that issue, and second, how does it change him? A relentless opponent in the parasites that offer plenty of direct attack, given there lack of ability to think could be cause for concern when it comes to plot. You’ve offered a great remedy to that by also creating human opponents in the corrupt cops with the ability to offer indirect attack.

Some questions I had going into it based on the premise.
What are the desire, motive and stakes of the hero?
What are the desire, motive and stakes of the human opponent? Does he think he’s right? Will human opponent become another monster, which you already have in the parasites?


  The flow and pacing is good. I really like that in every scene that there’s a small conflict within that scene, sometimes it works well on the grand scale of things but it’s important to have those small conflicts to keep things happening. For instance, the baseball diamond and who didn’t bring extra balls and who’ll get the hit into the trees, not only Jake vs. Wade in the bar, but also Wade vs. Travis. While I also noticed and like the little conflict between Jake and Sara, I would of liked it more if the atmosphere between them was a little more subtle and tension was presented before a blow up about not being there and what not. I like you distribution of exposition too. Having character’s and the action tell us who’s who. It’s not only strictly the protagonist, Jake, but also plenty of expo on Travis, and the situation of the town.

  Another thing I liked when it came to the pacing is when you went back to the parasites, at Joe and Agatha isn’t wasn’t just a kill scene, but an expo on what the parasites can do the paralyize, they use heat to see, which may prove to be valuable for later on where someone escapes because they body temp drops or that all it takes is one bite and that body part is paralyzed. When Jake runs into the parasite it’s not the same ol thing because we see an evolved parasite. In monster movies the monster typically uses direct attack, brute force because of lack of intelligence.

  You did a great job at countering that by introducing human opponents, but that doesn’t necessarily they wouldn’t follow in the same foot steps of the monster, which is the felling I get from Wade who is not subtle, and very direct, but that could just be his personality. I’ve taken it as so. I was worried you were just going to have two monsters, but Buddy, love Buddy as a character, brings that indirect side of an opponent when he blackmails the Doc about his drinking habit, he’s scheme about the town, him telling Wade to stay in line, makes it appear as though he’s taking things into consideration making him a thinking and deadly opponent. I would like him to show a little more humanity about a boy dying, so he won’t seem like totally a-whole, and the potential of growth, which he may never reach, but still. A lot of people miss that when it comes to human opponents they make it black and white, good and evil battle between two sides.

  On that same token. I find it interesting that Jake who went to jail doesn’t seem to be causing harm to anybody. I mean what is his moral need in all this. I mean he did go to jail. I know he’s causing a lot of pain for Sarah, but I haven’t seen anything as of yet. Like I said I think the introduction of their relationship which is like introducing a character in it of itself should carry more subtext at the beginning of their conversation before they get too direct. Like I loved the scene where Sarah comes home and finds the baseball bat and glove, and right before that Becky lies, and there’s a split second of subtext there before the revelation of it all, which made that relationship interesting and Becky an interesting character instantly. Don’t get me wrong I like what you did with Jake and Sara too because there’s conflict and that’s the most important thing.

  When I read or watch movies I’m always wondering things about per say, Sarah is a single mom, who broke it off with who, did she ever get married I think little hints about stuff like that adds a lot about rounding out a character.
  Does Becky split time between mom and father, or does Becky not know who her father is. She makes remark about her mother needing a man, I began to wonder again because usually a child wouldn’t want to see either parent some else other than their biological parent so she must not think highly of her father, or she does but wants her mother to move on anyway, which would speaks volumes about how smart and strong the young lady is. And does Beck know who Jake is? Would she want her mother to date him, if she was with her at the time Jake asked her out, it could have been Becky who suggested it because again she does want her mother to find a man. This gives Becky a desire that she’s acting out. And there is any faster way to round out a character than to give him a dream or desire.

Becky has a desire in this story to, too be with Tom, she’s needs an opponent her mother. The better stories goals and opponents extend further than just the hero and opponent. Some writer only bothers with hero. But you did a great job of creating rounded characters.


I like the beginning and what you've guys have done, a lot actually. All of my suggests are just icing on the cake type things, but I feel you definitly have every necessary element from what I can tell. Looking forward to the rest.

Hey Busy Little Bee,

Thanks so much for reading through this. You've brought up some interesting points.

Jake's morals is a good thing to bring up. I'm still working on him as a fully-fledged character. Most of his character is based upon his time in jail, but a lot needs to be added that reflects who he was before he went there.

It will be interesting to see what you think about the tone and pacing through the 2nd Act and into the third. Also, the character developments too... I'd like to hear your thoughts.

You've hit on many things that we had in mind about style, pace, conflict and character - which is a good thing as you seem to like them.

Thanks!
Stewart

Hope Falls

I made many of remarks while reading as appose to summarizing, hope it’s coherent.


Act II

The revelation and decision continue with Jake calling Doc Gordon, which makes the parasites a new revelation for the Doc. When Jake decides he wants to alert the community or someone, Doc Gordon quickly suggest otherwise, and because of what happened before with Buddy we know Gordon’s motives, motives are also important along with goal.


Love this scene between Jake and Buddy, their first encounter. Remember when I mentioned how important that first impression is between characters because it establishes a precedent for that relationship. Again I have to mention how happy I am that Buddy comes with this indirect approach, I mean he’s threatening Jake just as his brother did, but if it was more direct rather than the “roof accident” it would have been more of the same in just two characters, and quite repetitive. But this is great.


Wouldn’t there be blood at the school? Wouldn’t someone see it and alert Buddy?
I also would of like if Jake had called Sara, I mean even though, Doc Gordon said not to tell, Jake could of called to see if everything was alright, and make sure she keeps an eye on her daughter. This would cause greater cause for Sara to be strict with her daughter, her motive. Of course she wouldn’t have any explanation for Becky, so Becky would be really upset and this could lead to her sneaking out, which would create suspense because we know what’s out their, but she nor her mother does.


I see you went with the drug argument, this is the scene where prior or during the fight Jake calls. And just ask Sara to be careful.

More good dialogue between Becky and Tom, I’m not surprised. There’s a reason they say that all it takes is the first ten pages in order to know what your dealing with here. And since the beginning you’ve shown to have a handle on insinuations, metaphors (subtext).


It’s weird while I was reading the part were Doc was explaining the parasites I found myself getting closer to the screen, lol. I was like OK you back up now.


I think their should be an argument between Doc and Jake about the Doc not warning anybody, but if you continue as you have Sara should argue with both men for not telling anybody when they knew something was wrong.


Great revelation with the daughter, I see why you held onto it. Discard what I said before, while a good suggestion I made, I see you did it for a reason and a good one at that. Why change what’s not broken. It’s also one of the biggest on for Jake our main character. I still think that Sara should argue with the Jake and Doc about not telling anybody. Than the daughter calls, and she mentions it to Jake along with the knowledge he understands that he should have been more active. With argument before it will be something that goes unsaid by the characters but understood with audience that he knows he was wrong and his decision to be more active.

I like this frantic action, the use of the cross cutting between scenes offering action, drama, horror.

The pacing is good here, where before we had people getting killed that little established relationship to our main characters, now friends and family are getting killed which adds an immediate pending danger for major characters.


One the best techniques of the horror, usually used toward the end, is when what people think is the safest place to be turns out to be the worse and most frightening. In Carrie, you have Prom and home, in 28 Days Later you have the manor that promises sanctuary. Here there’s the gymnasium, which harbors the nesting place of the parasites.


I also like how in the Fair sequence that you didn’t just jump to people running out of area after Tom’s announcement, but you personalized the attack scene with the maze, than the haunter/mirror house with the friends before the initial panic. It’s the difference between saying there’s war going on, and zooming in to one or two incidents within the war, zooming back out again and the audience even more than if it had gone with out that, that sense of horror...


I’m considering asking the “Script Club” to consider going over this script, even though we’ve already done a horror.

Thank you so much for the updates. I'm taking everything you say into consideration.

I especially like the idea of more friction between Jake and Sara, especially how she does not react to JAke and the Doc not telling people about the parasites... I'll definitely have to look into that.

Keep it coming!

:-)

Hello Stewart,

I got whiff of this script over on Babz's thread, so I opened it up.
First off, I'm a fan of Critters, Tremors and even Eight Legged Freaks some.
So, this kind of corn fed cheese ball action sci-fi is right up my alley.

I read the first third, 38 pages, this morning and will continue as work allows.
Your pages ready very smooth and you keep the action beats thumping.
My main criticism so far is that everything feels too familiar.
There's nothing, so far, to set this apart from its predecessors.
And there should be something, you even got a hint of Jaws in there.
The corrupt town official keeping the lid on events for personal gain, etc.
Too Spielbergian a trope for its own good, Dante's Peak used that too.

The little pink footsteps were great, I want more of that kind of natural humor.
I want to say that was right out of Critters, but I could be wrong.
Still, it was a great beat, helped swallow the blow torch set up nicely.

I'm looking forward to seeing where this goes.
Waiting for when the army trucks figure back into things, etc.
Would've liked more tension with Jake and Sara.
You've got efficient plot set ups and character intros.  Good flow all around.

Regards,
E.D.

Thanks for the feedback!

I've just realized this is an old version of the script. I'm in the process of asking Don to to update it. There have been quite a few changes since this version.

I really appreciate the read. I'm not sure if you want to wait until the next version is up or continue with this one.

Thanks again,
Stewart

Quoted from MacDuff Thanks for the feedback! I've just realized this is an old version of the script. I'm in the process of asking Don to to update it. There have been quite a few changes since this version. I really appreciate the read. I'm not sure if you want to wait until the next version is up or continue with this one. Thanks again, Stewart

Hey Stewart,

If you think of it, please drop me a PM when the new version is available. Thanks.

E.D.

New Version of Hope Falls is up (Thanks, Don).

We would appreciate any feedback. This has been a fun re-write but a difficult script to write as it can come across as a 'tired' genre. We've focused on character depth and subplots.

thanks all,
Stew

Hey Stew,

I read the first 40 pages of the new draft this morning.
For a moment, I thought it was the old draft, having the same page count and all.

I only read through the first 40 of the previous draft.
To be honest, I enjoyed the previous draft more.
Sure, it was almost too familiar at times, emulating its predecessors.
But it moved at a decent clip and Jake was the central focus.
I like that the meteor hit as Jake was coming to town in the opener.
You got right down to business with a good grabber.
This new draft doesn't have a strong opener like that.

The first fourteen pages read like a struggling small town melodrama.
There's hints of corruption and economical woes.
It feels like that's the focus of the story now.
There's very little of Jake in the first fifteen pages.
I liked the familiar aborted bar fight, that's gone now.
And it's a bummer talking about this old manslaughter rap.
He was imprisoned for manslaughter, I think he'd have a realtor sell the place.

I liked the longer action scene with the alien footprints in the pink paint.
Stuff like that was clever, I recall more small town humor before too.

The meteor blows up a barn when it first hits in this draft.
It makes no sense the authorities don't get involved then.
Rusty should be calling the authorities right then so his cabin doesn't burn.
When it crashed somewhere in the woods it made more sense and was cheaper.

This first forty pages doesn't feel as nearly as fast paced or as fun.
And why is Jake fat and messy now in the opener? i don't recall that.

I'm interested to see where you take this.
But I'm also curious about why you changed so much and there's no doctor now.
It feels like a much different script now.

I'll continue the script as my schedule allows.

Regards,
E.D.

Hey ED,

Thank you for the review. I appreciate the honesty. It's good you were able to compare the two versions.

Let me know how the rest of the script reads. The first act was a challenge. We made some subtle (and not-too-subtle) changes to the setup and turning points. You've brought up some good points that we will definitely need to take away for a rewrite.

One point - Jake isn't meant to be fat or messy in the rewrite. We may have miss-informed the reader, I'll look into his character again.

Thanks!

Stew

Quoted from MacDuff Hey ED, Thank you for the review. I appreciate the honesty. It's good you were able to compare the two versions. One point - Jake isn't meant to be fat or messy in the rewrite. We may have miss-informed the reader, I'll look into his character again. Thanks! Stew

Hey Stew,

Thanks for the quick reply.
Yeah, you describe Jake in the opening line as "husky and unkempt."
If you want to throw me the previous draft to compare and contrast, go ahead.
You can e-mail it to me through here.

Regards,
E.D.

Stew,

I read pages 38 - 76 this morning.
Your pages are constructed well enough, format doesn't trip up the read.
However, I didn't have a lot of fun with the mid section of the script.
It seems all the humor has been drained from the story.
The barn set piece is gone and replaced with a more random crater discovery.
I enjoyed the sequence where Jake found the crater in the barn.
The blow torch affair with the paint trails, all that was fun.

I think what makes Critters and Tremors fun is fun characters.
Down to earth folks in otherworldly situations reacting with their homespun skill set.
Joe and Agatha had a nice talky lead in to their demise.
And that characterization made Joe's arm getting blown off less shocking.
Now, it just plays plain gruesome, instead of dark humor.

I'm guessing the weapons deal will unintentionally arm the town to retaliate?
Big coincidence that high powered weapons are available in their hour of need.
Maybe I'm wrong, but that seems to be the direction you're going.

I'm guessing you turned the tone of this rewrite more serious for a reason.
But for me, it's lost a lot of the color I enjoyed in the previous read.
Some set pieces may help things out too.
Action sequences in uniquely small town setting could be a boost.

p. 49 Jake wants to take Sara and leave town. What?
        Your protag basically gave the entire town the middle finger there. Ouch.

p. 62 I like the baseball metaphor for foreplay. I want more of this characterization.
        Becky could even say "foul ball" when the glass breaks.
        This kind of humanity and natural humor the script could use more of.

I'm interested to see where you take the third act.
Hope these notes help, keep writing and rewriting!

Regards,
E.D.

These are great notes. I'm worried now that we've toned it down too much. I got a lot of positive reviews with the last draft and we may have skewered the feel of the script by addressing some weaknesses in the earlier draft.

I'll definitely send you the prior draft.

Thanks again for the read.

Stew

Stewart,

Finished the most recent draft this morning.
I didn't run across any significant format issues here.

All in all, I thought this was decent, but missed some opportunities for fun.
There are several disconnects here with your B story that could bolster the script.
I kept thinking you were going to tie Danny's death back to the plot somehow.
Instead, we got a random death due to drug dealer connections.
Jake had nothing to do with it, he was a patsy. Buddy is a black hat villain.
I don't understand at all how Buddy was able to pin this on Jake all this time.
Wade disintegrates into delusion and wants to kill an innocent for his brother's death.
Buddy lied to his brother all this time about Danny's death.
Not exactly the Critters/Tremors B story kind of fun promised in your signature.
Buddy is a colossal idiot and pays $2 million for merchandise he doesn't check. Wow.
He planned this deal for years and didn't bother to check the goods.
Two townsfolk run off with Ramirez's cash for themselves. Ok.

Indulge me with an example of what I mean by tying your B story into the main...

Let's take the jailhouse stand off, which is a nice set up for some character sparks.
Jake confesses to Wade after all this time that he is innocent.
Danny was driving drunk, he'd been on drugs, due to academic pressure.
He was going to be the first Boyle to go to college, etc.
Crash! Danny panics, he's injured badly. He turns to Jake in the wrecked car.
He begs his best friend to cover for him, so his family won't be ashamed of him.
Jake agrees to switch places and take the drunk driving rap.
They switch. Danny dies. Cops arrive. Jake keeps his word to his dead best friend.
He doesn't want Danny's memory to be sullied.
Jake is no longer a patsy schmuck ex-con. This makes Jake an unsung hero.
Jake apologizes to Wade. The lost puppy sheriff's world of angst is shattered.
Buddy arrives and where you go from there is up to you.
But does this make sense? Do you see how I'm threading it back into the plot?
Now, you have an opportunity to band together your conflicted characters.
Is Buddy still a selfish jerk? Will Wade talk sense into him?
Will Buddy's change of heart cause him to use the weapons to save the town?
Buddy looks at the plaque for his brother's scholarship, emotional conflict.
To me, something like that, ties everything together and sets up a climax.
The weapons get to the school somehow and it's old ladies with RPGs.
An all out battle royale between the town and the Parasites.
And no BS WWII weapons, go all out, modern high tech blast-o-rama!
And give the damn town the $2 million to end the economic slump.

Maybe it's just me, but I want to read that script.
What do I know? I don't have a resume. But those are my thoughts.

Hope this help. Keep writing and rewriting!

Regards,
E.D.

Hello Stewart,

I reread the first third of the older draft this morning.
As before, I feel this is a much more breezier read than the new draft.

The parasites have more of that nuisance quality that develops into a real threat.
I like how rural folk regard them as random vermin at first sight.
I prefer that to the tube shaped head thingy.
Which is why I think Joe's death works well in this draft.
He doesn't think much of it and takes a shot at the thing.
He should spit some chew on the ground after he blows it away. Heh.
And Agatha needs a line in bed about how she hates guns in the house.
Then Joe pleads with her to be careful as she aims and BLAM-O!

It's not for everyone, but I tend to lean towards the comic when I can.
Some folks like their horror straight up and neat.
I prefer the "colorful umbrellas" and malevolent sense of humor.
Especially in this kind of story, the more homespun humor, the better IMO.

Also, in this draft, Buddy comes off like a corrupt Sheriff.
In the latest incarnation, he seems like a thug in an Escalade.
I like the sheriff/deputy dynamic between him and his brother here better.
Crushing the walnuts, sitting back and planning and waiting, it works for me.
It feels much more appropriate than all the psuedo gangster stuff.
And the lack of Mayor junk keeps the focus on Jake, where it belongs.

I've said before this script needs to differentiate itself from Critters and Tremors.
However, one thing it does need to fall in line with those titles, is page count.
Tremors is 96 minutes and Critters is a scant 82 minutes.
That's including five to seven minutes for cast and crew credits.
So those two scripts were roughly ninety and seventy-six pages each.
You're at 114 pages here, with credits, this would be a two hour movie.
That running time just won't wash with producers. Period. Ever.

One thing you can do to trim your pages is kill all the orphans.
Take a look here at a section of page 7:

Sara waves goodbye, leaving Frank to catch up with his
program.
INT. ROOSTERS COUNTRY BAR - NIGHT
Country MUSIC fills the place as townsfolk dance on the
floor.
At the bar, COWBOYS line up shots as COWGIRLS shoot them
back.

Shorten each of these three descriptions by one measly word, you save three lines.
For me, orphan culling has been a great tool to help control my page count.

You may want review the script for those, it's a veritable orphanage in here. :P

Hope this helps.
I'll continue into the next third as work allows.

Regards,
E.D.

Hey ED,

Thanks again for the re-read (of a prior draft). I'm taking your notes away. I think there is an opportunity to splice both drafts into something workable.

I see where you are coming from (in regards to the humorous horror), as that was the tone of the first few drafts before we made it a bit more dark.

Thanks again!

Stew

Hello Stewart,

I read pages 38 - 78 of the older draft this morning.
The page formatting holds up just fine.
However, I think this is where you can make a lot of time cuts I mentioned before.
The graveyard scene plays out a bit coincidental that Sara shows up.
I like the janitor death as a lead in to a nest in the high school.
A lot of the early humor I enjoyed has been muted in the middle.
Poor Doc and Frank don't get decent deaths, suiting helpful characters.

I prefer the anniversary party in the newest draft to the random Fall Fair.
It's a nice way to tie into everybody working together in the end to save the town.

However, I really think that Frank is a wasted opportunity here.
I'm always looking for the human element, even in genre stories.
The radio station is a great conduit for warning the town.
Jake and Sara stay in touch with Frank via walke-talkie and he talks to the town.
I can see Frank and Sara meeting as Parasites invade the station.
Frank pushes Sara out and closes the door, she bangs on it.
"I've been here all my life, Sara, where am I gonna go?
Take care of Tom, make sure he goes to Stanford."
Frank sacrifices himself to stay behind and hold out in the broadcast booth.
He helps move and saves hundreds of folks, at the cost of his own life.
Beats like that can really bring genre scripts to life for me.
Maybe it's just me, but moments like that pull me into a story.

Hope this helps. I should wrap up this read tomorrow.

Regards,
E.D.

There's some parts I like from both scripts, so I think the challenge will be to merge both of them and keep the tone the same. Tying the main plot and the subplots together will be the trick, while keeping the humour the same.

You mentioned the 2nd act loses some of that humour, hopefully merging will bring some pace and humour back.

Let me know what you think of the 3rd Act. From what I remember, the older draft was a bit more chaotic.

Thanks again for the reads. Appreciate it.

Hello Stew,

Digging into the final third this morning.
Right off the bat, a good beat, the haunted house with the kids.
I LOVE the moment where they think the Parasites are part of the attraction.
Dig the house of mirrors too, taking classic visuals and Parasiting them up. Nice.
Wow, real dark patch in the mid 90's here...
Wade ignores his brother's pleas and Tom goes a bit insane.
Those few pages don't quite jibe with the tone you've set too well for me.
I like the jail escape, though I feel the first half of the third act is a bit pokey.
I want a sense of urgency, separate groups racing towards mutual goals, etc.
This is where I think good old Frank can come in handy to rally the town.
On page 106, I think you lost the Becky trapped in a locker beat.
I like that from the later draft, good use of environment.
I dig Travis being made sheriff, at Jake's suggestion.
There should be a beat in there of Travis happy, but disappointed.
Then Jake, being a true hero, gives credit where it's due.

There's a lot of good in this draft, and solid sequences in the latest.
Plenty of material to meld and refine for a new draft.

I hope this helps. Keep writing and rewriting!

Regards,
E.D.

Just looked through this.

Now it's pretty decent for a genre piece, of course it's nothing we haven't seen before from films like Slither and 8 legged freaks, but for what it was I enjoyed it and there was the added danger of the crazed Sheriff being after Jake, which I thought was good and fitted in well.

Represents nothing new to the genre however, but I don't think you were trying for that.

Only disappointment, so to speak, was the ending - so so predictable that very last scene but all in all a decent piece of work.

Hey Goose,

Thanks for the read. You're right - this one doesn't really add anything new to the genre - but it was fun to write!

I'm glad you picked up on Slither and 8 Legged Freaks - as those two movies were what inspired Hope Falls.

Thanks for the comment on the ending, this has always been a bone of contention for us.

I will be looking at doing a re-write of this feature later this year and will be addressing this.

Again, thanks for the read.

Stew

Hey Stew,

I am a big fan of films like 8 Legged Freaks so this script will be right up my alley. Just wondered if you wanted any feedback as I see this as originally posted in 2008? I'll definitely give it read though.

Good luck and keep writing.

Steve

Hey Steve,

I'd love and appreciate any feedback on the script. Whilst I am not actively working on it, I do expect to rewrite it in the future and I have collected the invaluable feedback from S.S.

Cheers,
Stew

Hey Stew,

No worries mate. I will get around to it in the next week and leave you some feedback, hopefully it will be of some help to you when it comes to the rewrite.

Good luck and keep writing.

Steve

Hey Stew,

I have read the first 40 pages of Hope Falls today. The first thing I noticed before reading was the page count, 114 seems very long for this genre.

We start off with an intro for our main protagonist Jake, who for me is almost invisible in the first 15 pages. I think I feel like this because we don’t get to see Jake again until page 10, we’re 10 minutes into this and we still don’t know anything about Jake who I’m guessing is the main protagonist? I feel like he needs to be more involved earlier or at least have more to do in the first 10 pages.

Though Jake hasn’t shined for me yet, I think you have done a decent job of introducing a lot of characters in the space of 10 pages. There are some real quirky characters and all feel to have their own individual voice. Wade has to be my favourite so far, all I can picture is the sheriff from the James Bond film “Live and Let Die”.

The aliens? I’m guessing these parasites use the human body like a womb before breaking out and growing? A bit like the “Xenomorph’s”” from the Alien franchise. I did enjoy the alien attacks, very visual and pleasing but again, I felt they should be coming earlier on in the plot. Rusty should have killed by page 3 or 4 IMO.

We have an interesting side story involving Buddy and Wade which is bubbling along nicely and I for one am looking forward to see where this is going?

It’s good so far but I would shorten these opening 40 pages and throw us into the action earlier, also get Jake involved more from the beginning.

The writing was very good and I have no real complaints about the formatting, think you’ve done a good job on most parts. I took some notes as I read:

No fade in: Not a big deal but thought I would mention it anyway.

Page 1: “SARA THORNTON (36), is a beautiful and confident brunette” I would get rid of “is”. “SARA THORNTON (36), beautiful, confident brunette”

Page 2: “stack of advertising” Should it be advertisements?

What’s CFUN?

Page 3: No comma before or after Tom’s age. Another thing would be to just have the Iroc-Z pull over and intro Tom when Becky looks into the car. Better visually I think?

You use “and” when you could just a comma instead in some sentences. Worth keeping an eye on, cuts down on space and pages.

Page 6: “He carries himself around in style and shows a lot of money” This reads wrong visually IMO. We will see and hear he’s financially well off later, also the car shows his style.

Page 7: A missing apostrophe in Buddy’s dialogue. Reads “were in the big time” Think you mean “we’re”

Page 8: I would capitalise the name Danny Boyle.

Page 10: “For a total of 30, then?” Change to “thirty”. The mayor said “fifteen” before, not 15.

I’m going to be picky, in the very first slug it read
“EXT. HIGHWAY – SHOULDER – DAY” on this page it read
“EXT. HIGHWAY – NIGHT” Why take out shoulder? Only because you then described Jake walking on the shoulder? Just curious.

Page 13: A SONG on the radio announces Rusty’s pick-up truck before it pulls into the driveway.
I didn’t understand this line? The radio announces Rusty’s pick-up truck?

Page 14: Why change slugs here? It’s all the same scene, could just have “MOMENTS LATER” instead.

Page 21: Don’t know that much about P.O.V’s but if we’re watching Buddy through the creature’s P.O.V, shouldn’t it just be “Watches Buddy from the ruins of the barn” take out the “something large” We can’t see its size from its own perspective?

Page 24: love the mullets.

Page 25:         WADE
         And you all are having dinner,
         sitting right next to him
Reads awkward IMO. “And you’re all having dinner, sitting right next him” reads better?

Page 29:       JAKE
        Let’s see if they got the power
        going.
Missing question mark but also, didn’t Jake get the power going earlier; he made a coffee in the coffee machine if I’m not mistaken?

Looking forward reading more, I’ll read the rest over the weekend, time allowing.

Have a good weekend Stew.

Steve.

Nice!

These are good little notes - things like these formatting notes are very helpful, especially since I've read the darn thing so many times my eyes miss things.

I do understand the concern about the slow start - and Jake not being the center of the action early. I think we are working on that for the next draft.

No Fade In:? How did we miss that! haha.

Thanks again,
Stew

Hey Stew,

Read pages 40 through 70 today.

Okay, so the action has now picked up and we are beginning to see more of the parasites. I think adding Doc Gordon has been a good move, he gave us some exposition about the parasites habitats but I did feel he died too early? Maybe he’s not actually dead? I will wait and see. Jake still feels weak as the protagonist, I mean, apart from one interaction with Scarface, he still hasn’t done a lot IMO.

In one scene at Sara’s house, he just stood back while Sara and Becky pulled Tom from the house. I think Jake should be stronger than he is at the moment.

Other complaints would be the Buddy side plot, I enjoyed this originally but now it feels to be taking for ever to come to a resolution. I’m 70 pages in and I still have no idea what it’s about.

On the positive note, there’s been more action in this middle section setting up an exciting finale but again, it all feels too long in coming.

The writing again was good but I have seen a lot of problems with the slugs and scene changes which I’ve described in the notes:

Page 47: When Jake jumps in the truck, this needs to be a change of slug IMO.

INT. JAKE’S TRUCK – SPEEDING – DAY

Jake races across town.

I would personally get rid of this and go straight to Main Street, It doesn’t add anything and takes up unnecessary space.

Page 49: I would capitalise “smashes” when Sara is attacked. “A parasite’s tail SMASHES through the back window”

Page 50: “Headlights pass through the window and Doc Gordon goes to the door.” This reads awkward but also it’s supposed to be day so why have headlights on?
Would you see the lights during the day?

Page 51: Daryl parks his car but never leaves from what I read so either it needs a new slug or you need to establish him leaving the car. For this reason, the whole scene felt confusing.

Page 53: “$15,000” in Mayor Walker dialogue. Think it should be “Fifteen thousand dollars”

“100th” should be “hundredth” These are just my personal opinions BTW. I’m saying they are correct or not.

Page 54: I have to say that it took Wade a hell of a long time to get from the farm to Main Street?

Page 55: “Sara’s neck is stiff when she tries to move.” That’s telling not showing. Have Sara explain her neck is stiff in dialogue.

Page 59: Sara is now running? She has been sedated and was drowsy before?

“Suddenly fall silent” should be “falls”

“Smoking a joint” change to “smoke a joint”

Page 61: “Jake and Sara sit in the truck as they race to Sara’s house”. I would reword this; we know they are sitting in the truck from the slug, their driving so what else would they be doing? I would say something like “Sara looks over to Jake nervous” This is also telling us and not showing IMO.

Page 62: There have been a few problems with the slugs IMO. We had “INT. BECKY’S ROOM – NIGHT” and then “INT. SARA’S HOUSE – NIGHT” That’s not consistent, I would have:
INT. SARA’S HOUSE – BECKY’S BEDROOM – NIGHT”
INT. SARA’S HOUSE – LIVING ROOM – NIGHT”
Just a thought.

Page 63:        TOM
            (to himself)
             Holy shit.
Take out the wrylie “to himself”, we know he’s talking to himself.

Page 67,68: “INT. POLICE CRUISER – PARKED – NIGHT”
“Wade slaps on a set of handcuffs and throws Jake in the back
of the car.” We was already in the car according to the slug, I’d look at the slug layout in this scene? It felt all wrong.

Will try to finish this tomorrow.

Have a good one.

Steve

Hey Stew,

Finished up on Hope Falls today.

The final segment paces up and I think you have done a good job with all the action going at one time. There were a few questions raised though, I liked the side plot with Buddy originally but in the end it just feels like an excuse to give weapons to the townsfolk.

I also didn’t enjoy the Harvey and Pearl side plot, felt this was a bit superfluous and could easily be cut. It ended well and all the main villains got what was coming to them, I would cut some of Becky’s friend’s scenes down.

I think you need to look over some of the slugs again; some read awkward while at other times it feels like a slug is missing to change the scene.

I have already mentioned my main gripes in previous posts which is the pacing and the main protagonist. Here are the notes I took during the read:

Page 70: You mention all the friends’ names twice, I don’t feel you need to mention them twice and by removing it, will save you lots of space.

Page 71: “Then busts into laughter” Think you mean bursts?

Page 73: Another problem with the slug here, Wade pulls a bottle of whiskey from his drawer so shouldn’t he in his own office rather than the front office?

Page 79: “A familiar old rusty pickup sits at the foot of the bank.” Familiar to who? There have been a few pick-up trucks in 80 pages so far.

Page 82: “You’ve been telling me that you’re not a baby anymore, and you’re right. You’re not.” Sara just called her a baby to Travis one second before this?

Page 100: I didn’t know Marly had a daughter? Did I miss that earlier, if it’s her first introduction, she needs to be capitalised.

Page 107: Bullets deflect of scarface but knifes don’t, need to consistent here.

Page 109: “It’s Jake, using Becky as a crutch.” That sounds painful for Becky. I would reword this.

Page 111: “Shuttup Travis.” Think you mean shut up.

I really enjoyed this and think you have written a good tale.

Hope I was able to be of some help when you come to rewrite with it.

Good luck and keep writing. :)

Steve.

Hi Steve,

Thanks again for the insight and feedback. I think the the main thing (apart from cleaning up the slugs) will be to make some cuts and get the pacing back to an acceptable level.

Again, I really appreciate the time. Please let me know if there is anything you'd like me to read.

Stew

I'm not going to spend a lot of time making suggestions here.  The writing is top notch and the story works.  Aside from a few places where I would maybe shorten dialogue discussion, it's good stuff.

However, that being said, that is also the problem here.  Whist, the story works, I've also seen it before.  There were so many times in this script where I forgot the story was about Hope Falls and thought I was reading Eight-Legged Freaks.  The only reason I knew I wasn't was because this isn't as amusing as ELF.

That's not to say it isn't a well done genre piece, it is.  I just wish it could have made a more distinct impact.   Because I was so very reminded of ELF, I kept expecting this to get funnier - it didn't and that disappointed me as a reader.  

As this stands, it's a great script to shop around, it shows talent and promise, but I doubt very much that it will be salable because it isn't unique enough.  I could be and hope that I am wrong about that.

Hope that helps,

Michael  

Hi Michael,

Thank you for the positive feedback. I agree with you in regards to the familiarity with ELF. The biggest issue overall with this script is the that it does not stand out compared to other scripts in the genre.

I still love it and we will be working on tightening it once more and will try to infuse some of that humour that was lost between revisions. But it is a hard sell.

Thanks again,
Stew

Quoted from mcornetto However, that being said, that is also the problem here.  Whist, the story works, I've also seen it before.  There were so many times in this script where I forgot the story was about Hope Falls and thought I was reading Eight-Legged Freaks.  The only reason I knew I wasn't was because this isn't as amusing as ELF. That's not to say it isn't a well done genre piece, it is.  I just wish it could have made a more distinct impact.   Because I was so very reminded of ELF, I kept expecting this to get funnier - it didn't and that disappointed me as a reader.

Sadly, I do agree with the lion's share of what Michael says.
And you know I like Hope Falls. But maybe this might shed some light for you...

Here's an example that IMO fits the "freshness bill":
It's a wee Irish ditty that debuted at Sundance this week called, "Grabbers".

Check out the logline:
When an island off the coast of Ireland is invaded by bloodsucking aliens, the heroes discover that getting drunk is the only way to survive.

How cool is that?!?!? ;D
And here's a positive review from Sundance too!

http://www.fearnet.com/news/reviews/b25192_sundance_2012_grabbers_review.html

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from Electric Dreamer Sadly, I do agree with the lion's share of what Michael says. And you know I like Hope Falls. But maybe this might shed some light for you... Here's an example that IMO fits the "freshness bill": It's a wee Irish ditty that debuted at Sundance this week called, "Grabbers". Check out the logline: When an island off the coast of Ireland is invaded by bloodsucking aliens, the heroes discover that getting drunk is the only way to survive. How cool is that?!?!? ;D And here's a positive review from Sundance too! http://www.fearnet.com/news/reviews/b25192_sundance_2012_grabbers_review.html Regards, E.D.

Now that looks pretty funny!

I believe in our characters and the storyline; I just think we (my co-writer and I) need to work with the material and re-work it into something new; something a little higher concept.

The recent reads have definitely got this back on my radar. I'm just finishing up a first draft of something so I can hand it off to my co-writer. I may just go back and start re-working this.

Thanks again for all the feedback and comments from everyone.

Stewart