Mutual Differences by Sysco Gaglione (Braksnen) - Comedy - Scott and Emma area really good friends that have been living with each other for almost a year. Scott finally gets a job, working at the fast food restaurant, Traits, where Emma is a manager. Over a short period of time, Scott and Emma begin to fall for each other, but to not jeopardize their friendship, the decide to stay 'just friends', but with some benefits. 81 pages - rtf, format 8)

I read the first 4 pages and became annoyed. First, get rid of the camera directions. That's one of the reasons I had to stop reading this script. Secondly, you need to make these characters older. I don't buy a 17 and 18 year old living on their own. They would need to work full time in order to support themselves. Plus, from the short dialouge I read (which is very good) I've never heard a kid speak that way before. Overall I would ask, please delete the direction. It will make it much easier to read.

Quoted from Pants They would need to work full time in order to support themselves.

They do work full time.  At least Emma does.  She's the manager at the Burger place.

I'm not going to speak on Sysco's behalf, but I know he's filmed some of his own scripts before, so that could be the reason for the inclusion of camera directions.

Quoted from Shelton They do work full time.  At least Emma does.  She's the manager at the Burger place. I'm not going to speak on Sysco's behalf, but I know he's filmed some of his own scripts before, so that could be the reason for the inclusion of camera directions.

Okay, so are they highschool dropouts?  I just think this would work better with older characters. If he's directed stuff, then great, but I don't want to read those directions. They take away from the story. It's distracting. That's all I'm saying. My bad if that came across really negative. Didn't mean to.

To answer that, yes, they are high school drop outs, alot of the things you might ask would be explained later in the script.

The camera directions I DID write in as personal notes so that I knew what I was originally planning, but when I decided to post the script up here I forgot to take them off and rewrite the beginning and end pages. They aren't a constant thing, this I know, I only had them at the very beginning and very end, but I do appreciate you criticism.

The dialog is based on conversations I've had myself, I'm 17, so even though you've never heard it, doesn't mean it is never said like that in real life.

Scott and Emma both work full time as a manager at Traits (the fast food restaurant), but I don't mention Traits a lot during the script because I didn't want it to seem like a cheap rip-off of Clerks 2 and Waiting.

Quoted from Pants Plus, from the short dialouge I read (which is very good) I've never heard a kid speak that way before.

I wanted to put this in a different reply all together, I'm not sure why, but thanks for saying the dialog is very good. That's them one part of the script I was stressing to make sound real. In the last 5 scripts I wrote and posted, the dialog is... barely tolerable, and that's my own oppinion. I was really proud of the dialog in this script, and hopefully everyone else thinks it's good aswell... or atleast better than my last scripts.

I figured that you were young because from what I read it sounds very real. I just have issues with young characters I guess. I don't know if you are familiar with the One Tree Hill televeision show, but that was always a big problem for me. These young kids are living on their own and talking like they are 30. I'll give this a read and give you some real feedback this time.

Okay. I had to stop reading again. I just can't get through this man. The dialouge is starting to get very elementary. In the beginning when Emma is yelling about getting to bed she sounds like his mother and not his peer. This all sounds like something that might have actually happened to you, but that doesn't mean it will make a good script.

I don't think the dialogue is good at all.  It simply rambles on and on about nothing.  None of it's very funny.  
Sorry, but it does sound like you're just ripping off Clerks 2.  I only got to about page fifty before I gave up.  Nothing about the story or the characters engaged me on any level.

Well, I just read the whole thing in one sit. And well overall I like it. But I had a couple of problems with it. Now these are suggestions, and just know that Im not trying to force this. It's just maybe the direction I would have taken if it was my script. Also I understand that this must have taken a LOT of work, so don't take it as if I'm just a mindless critic. Just trying to help you out.

1) It felt as if sometimes Scott was talking to Emma like he would talk to some of his male buddies. He was sometimes just too rude, and cursed at her. It's ok for Emma to do it to Scott, but it felt very unreal when Scott did it to her. I just don't think that in real life any decent girl would let any guy speak to her like that, even if they have been living togheter for a year.

2) When you think about it the reunion with Scott's family was pretty much useless. I mean I really felt like it was a filler for the story because it didn't really lead to anything that developed the story or characters further.

3) You should add one or two more characters that are close to Scott and/or Emma, that stir things up a little bit, make them more interesting. I mean yeah there were all the workers at the restaurant, and scotts sister, but they didn't influence them much. They felt like fillers too. hillary was good though. The conversations both Emma and Scott had with her were pretty interesting.

4) I probably read over this one and it was probably stated early on the story, but I never got who exactly Hillary was. She was a some kind of phsycologist, but did she have any direct relation with them? I mean it felt like she was some sort of relative of Scott or Emma.


Um, I think that's pretty much it. I try to be general cause this story could go so many ways. Oh, and I didn't find the camera direction annoying at all. I probably wouldn't have noticed them if I hadn't read this thread before the story.

I also found pretty funny that Scott always saw this random stuff whenever he stared out the window.

Anyways wish you luck. And I gotta say I'm pretty impressed that already at your age you did such a good script.

Quoted from thrilldealer Well, I just read the whole thing in one sit. And well overall I like it. But I had a couple of problems with it. Now these are suggestions, and just know that Im not trying to force this. It's just maybe the direction I would have taken if it was my script. Also I understand that this must have taken a LOT of work, so don't take it as if I'm just a mindless critic. Just trying to help you out. 1) It felt as if sometimes Scott was talking to Emma like he would talk to some of his male buddies. He was sometimes just too rude, and cursed at her. It's ok for Emma to do it to Scott, but it felt very unreal when Scott did it to her. I just don't think that in real life any decent girl would let any guy speak to her like that, even if they have been living togheter for a year. 2) When you think about it the reunion with Scott's family was pretty much useless. I mean I really felt like it was a filler for the story because it didn't really lead to anything that developed the story or characters further. 3) You should add one or two more characters that are close to Scott and/or Emma, that stir things up a little bit, make them more interesting. I mean yeah there were all the workers at the restaurant, and scotts sister, but they didn't influence them much. They felt like fillers too. hillary was good though. The conversations both Emma and Scott had with her were pretty interesting. 4) I probably read over this one and it was probably stated early on the story, but I never got who exactly Hillary was. She was a some kind of phsycologist, but did she have any direct relation with them? I mean it felt like she was some sort of relative of Scott or Emma. Um, I think that's pretty much it. I try to be general cause this story could go so many ways. Oh, and I didn't find the camera direction annoying at all. I probably wouldn't have noticed them if I hadn't read this thread before the story. I also found pretty funny that Scott always saw this random stuff whenever he stared out the window. Anyways wish you luck. And I gotta say I'm pretty impressed that already at your age you did such a good script.

Thanks for reading it and liking it. I had almost forgotten about it until today, so it's nice to know it wasn't completely ignored.

This was just the second draft of the script, so I'm not surprised that you had problems with it.

1) I was trying to hint, without saying it bluntly, that Emma preferred to be treated like one of the guys. Her attitude and outlook was based roughly on several girls that I know. I always thought that they were really cool and decided to combine their personalities into one person..... so that's who Emma is.......

2) I understand. I was sort of using that as a filler, but I used it in a way so that certain conversations would take place between Scott and a couple other people, it was really a filler used to get to know more about Scott's background. I figured that if I let the audience know alittle about Scot's life, they could piece together a few things not mentioned in the script..... but I guess some people aren't smart enough to do so.

3) I'm not going to add more characters, but I AM giving Rachael, Curly, and Esten bigger roles. Curly, I'm only going to be giving  a couple more lines, nothing huge.

4) Hillary (I'm not sure where, but I KNOW I mentioned this) took Scott in after he was pulled from his mom and dad's home. When he was 16 he decided he was ready to start living on his own. She let him stay with Emma and the rest is mentioned in the script...... you'd have to be blind, dislexic (?) or just stupid to not understand the rest.

I would just like to say to bwdial:

I don't mind in the least that you didn't like the script.... in all respects, Ithink you hated it, but please, you don't have to be so rude. you remind me of Adam Sand'ler from Click when he's scolding the kids for their artwork. All you had to say was that you didn't like the dialogue, because it seemed to go nowhere and that nothing about it really grasped your attention.... just like that, you didn't have to deliver the clerks ripoff lin, or the 'None of it's very funny' line. with that you're just ridiculing my dream of wanting to be a scriptwriter.

I don't want to sound like an asshole here, but I kinda hope you don't have kids now or ever, all I can really imagine in that mindframe is your son running up to you and sayin that he would like to play football, and you encourage him and help him practice alittle, then when he tries out for the team, he's not NEARLY good enough yet, he still needs alot of practice, and instead of saying:

'Don't worry champ, I'll help give you some encouragement and help you practice, and next year, who knows, you might end up making some of those other kids apologize for tackling you so many times.'

I can only imagine you saying:

'You weren't fast enough, you could catch the ball, and when you COULD catch it, you couldn't even keep a hold of the damn thing. You might aswell get a part time job now because you're going nowhere in life!'

I'm sorry, I might really sound mean right now, but the LEAST you could have done was say:

'If you work  harder, and fix the dialogue , I'm sure it will get better, and I'll even read it again. good luck'

Even if what you say is all nothing but bullshit, you don't have to try and crush my dreams....... I'ma go now.

Thanks thrilldealer,
       Sysco G.

Your heart's in the right place with this script, but it's simply not a movie. It's a bunch of kids. I gather that you're still a kid yourself, but anyone over your age watching a film of this script would be bored like watching paint dry.