Memoirs of a Father Figure by Andrew Mangum - Short, Drama - A recount of a father's lost love and his fear of attatchment. 9 pages - pdf, format 8)

This is my script. If anyone has time to read it and give feedback that would be cool. I am willing to read someones script in return.

Maybe change your slug line from EXT. DESERTED STREET - DAY to EXT. STREET - DAY since you already mention the street is deserted in the action paragraph. You don't need to say "it's obviously a dump" since I already got the vibe from the heroin needles laying around. (How do we know their for Heroin)?

When you introduce MITCH you can sum up his appearance on one sentence.

How do we know RUBIN is naive?

Watch your dialogue: jus', warmin', callin' -- should be just, warming and calling.

I really didn't understand this script. Nothing happens, they are just sitting on the curb and Rubin is giving Mitch chicken salad sandwiches while they make small talk. Something needs to happen here. Why should I care about Mitch? Why is Rubin helping Mitch? These are questions you need to answer in your screenplay.

Hey Drew

Here's my review as I promised.

Your descriptions need a little work. I like them but you repeat things a little.

Example: 'Sitting on the curb is MITCH, a man in his fifties. His clothes
are worn and dirty. His physical appearance is atrocious. He
looks to have not showered in quite some time.'

You could really miss off the part about his clothes and not showering. 'His physical appearance is atrocious' is all we need to know really. What you're doing here is pretty much telling us the same information three times.

There's a few of these that crop up, but like I say I do like them. Maybe just trim them down a touch.

I felt things happened a little too fast - there was no time for reflection for either character. I think I know what's going on in this and you don't neccesarily need to make it any more obvious.

The question you really need to answer is why does Rubin help Mitch? Like Alexander asked. I'm guessing it's because he misses his Dad. I just feel that Mitch goes from a scruffy, weird guy into a surragate father-figure too quickly. There would be more reluctance from Rubin, I think.


*****SPOILER*****
Rubin is Mitch's son right?

If I'm right, there might be a little recognition between the two. Even if it is unspoken.

For example, if you make it so his Dad left when he was older, you could have something they used to do together -- baseball? Something like that.

In the end scene Mitch comes out of the shadows with a baseball to pitch.

Bad example that but hope you see where I'm coming from.

Enjoyed it overall

Ste

Overall I enjoyed the story. I think if you made this a little longer it would work better. Things would not seem so rushed.

Thanks for the read guys. I appreciate it. I don't disagree with you on my descriptions and things, seeing as how I'm kind of new to this. But I was more concerned for the story. I just need to know if the story conveys properly or if I should add anything. Also, anything that can help with making my characters more dimensional and real. I'm open to suggestions.