Revolve by Kevin J Bergeron (themadhatter) - Short - Follow the life of a single reload of a revolver and discover the bad - and good - it can do. 4 pages - pdf, format 8)

I very much liked the artistic feel to this piece, but it jumped around a little too much.  Some of the paragraphs went on too long and lost me.

Are Paul and Jim involved in some sort of scam?  If so, how in the hell did they pull this off?  Perhaps if Jim showed up in the end to buy another gun from Paul and is shocked to see the one he used earlier.

You've got a great idea here.  Play around with it.  I was hoping for a twist.  Something like it being out of ammo when the person really needed one shot.  Because the description said "and good--it can do."  I never saw any good.

Thanks for sharing.

I liked the story but you really need to lean this out. HUGE blocks of text are not fun to read and this felt more like a book than a screenplay. Lean it out a ton, fix a few formatting issues and you'll be good.

I think you have a cool idea here.  Keep working on it. The end was a little confusing for me as well.  

I don't know whether I liked this one or not. I've always been a softie for the 'vicious circle' plot lines, such as here, when Jim begins, and ends, with the revolver. Sure, it doesn't seem all that logical, but it kinda has an ironic-chuckle quality to it.

A few inconsistencies....

(1) What is Pete doing buying things from Benny the beggar? Due to the time constraints, he obviously didn't know Benny would stumble upon a gun... so what the heck was he doing waiting in the alleyway?

(2) Kathy kills the rapist, and Miles kills Benny... yet no body seems to hear either gun shot. Again, that doesn't seem all that logical. Sure, this could be a big city, but the fact that NO ONE notices the shots sounds highly unlikely.

(3) Kathy tosses the revolver off of the bridge. But it would be days before the gun washed up onto the beach. And if that's the case, would the gun honestly be able to fire off a shot so soon after Billy pulls it from the sand?

It is questions like these that, while perhaps small, need to be answered. If the audience doesn't buy the logistics, I doubt that they will care what happens on the screen.

Other than that, all I have to say practically repeats AlexanderJ's comment, that huge blocks of text can turn the reader away from the script. If there were some way to chisel off excess words, you might get somewhere different in the length department.

Also, the numbers beside each scene heading aren't necessary. If this were a shooting script, fine. But this is a spec script, and doesn't necessarily need such format additions.

I really like where you're going with this. Just consider fixing a few of the issues we've highlighted, and this could really be something.

Like the others I thought this was a nice idea for a story.

You lost me when you implied that guns float. Maybe they do, I can't say I've tested it, but my logic-o-meter was beeping like crazy! It then beeped a whole load more when the wet sandy gun still works. It beeped again when the child's father decided to throw a loaded gun into a barrel of scrap metal.

In spite of all this if you make this a little more plausible you'd have a decent story.

Philip

Sorry for not posting responses. Let me first say, I wrote this thing overnight and didn't even re-read it, so I'm going to read it over again and post an update. I like some of these ideas you're all giving.

nick_horror - the first heist in the film was not a plan from Paul and Jim. I was trying to give the impression that they've worked with each other and Paul doesn't mind the illegal dealings.

AlexanderJ - I'm going to re-read and extend or shorten some scenes, and break up some paragraphs.

Pants - thanks, I agree, I'm going to elaborate on the ending, but it's difficult to pull off without dialog.

Dr. McPhearson - 1) Pete is a drug dealer, thus feeds off the needy. He pays the homeless man far less than the gun's worth. I tried to relay that Benny does this often, with trinkets he finds on the street. Maybe I can add a couple more things he sells, ie. sunglasses or something. 2) I tried to eliminate the idea of cops showing up by having whoever flee as soon as the shot is fired. It needs to be in a bad neighborhood, or whatever. I know I didn't explain this in the script... 3) Good point. This didn't occur to me when I first wrote it. I may have to cut this altogether. And the numbers of the scene is just something I like to do. Makes it organized.

"me" - you can PM or e-mail me if you'd like.

pwhitcroft - McPhearson mentioned this and I agree. I'll try to turn it around.

Thanks all for reading and the suggestions. I'll make updates and post them on celtx. I'll link on this thread once it's ready.

I like this idea alot.  I am a new filmaker and I think this might be my first short to create.  As far as the ending is concerned, I didn't care the twist it had.  And I agree with some of the others as far as not being able to see what good the gun did anyone....  I was think about re working the script to none of the good a gun can do (Because what good can a gun REALLY do?)  And as far as the ending.  i like having one bukket left and it made sense to me to have the guy who buys it, walk outside and kill himself.... Just my thoughts.....

Huge blocks of text isn't very attractive. Yet nonetheless i read it, and it was pretty decent. I do agree when i think it could be focused more and shortened, so things could be tighter.

But all this piece needs is time. Can't wait to see the rewrite.

I was going to suggest, if a major rewrite happens and you still have no dialogue, then you should think about doing this months moviepoet's contest. (if you didn't already know about it)

Go to moviepoet.com and it's a great site to learn from. Free and full of valuable advice.

Thanks guys for the read. I couldn't think of any way to bridge the ending to the suicide of Jim. Also I know I didn't show much good. Killing the rapist was supposed to be good and the only thing I could figure a gun could do good would be for a cop but they wouldn't use an illegal gun from a scene. Or would they? I may just eliminate the whole rapist part.

Thanks for the input.

Kevin

I love the "six degrees" concept you went for here. You have a  cool title and the logline piqued my interest...however I think its execution of the story needs some work.

I know its being said already but the paragraphs should be broken up into three or fourl ines and your descriptions need to be tightened up in parts. Read some scripts on here and go back to yours and you'll know what I mean.

The various "situations" the revolver finds itself in are ok but some could be spiced up. The guy offering the bum money for it seemed a bit stupid since he could have just taken it from him, given his "authority" over him.

No need for scene numbers on spec scripts, only shooting scripts.

Also on the draft you posted there is are blank spaces at the end of pages 1 & 2 and esspecially on page 3. Sorting this would get your script down to 3 pages.

You'll find out soon enough here that when it comes to script writing, less is most definitely more. Or maybe there was a reason you left these gaps? Your page formatting could be off.

Anyway best of luck with this, it certainly has potential.

Col.

A day in the life of a pistol.

The "day in a life" idea has been around like forever. i remember ten years ago someone rattling this idea to me about an idea that follow the life of a lighter.

I would have liked to have seen you put the gun in an interesting place like a pre-school, mental hospital or nursing clinic full of Down Syndrones. See what they would do with a pistol.

I agree with the people above that your action is way to blocky and chunky.  

A stronger twist and ending, and you will have a great story.

Hi Devinrush - are you just trying to build up posts, here?

Quoted from Forgive Hi Devinrush - are you just trying to build up posts, here?

If he or she is, they're not doing a very good job, with only 8 total posts, all on scripts that are 3+ years old.  I don't get it.

Howard R Cohen's avatar looks an awful lot like Simon - Sicoll007 - Hmmm...interesting...

Quoted from Dreamscale I don't get it.

Me neither. It’s strange to pick up random scripts from years ago when there is so many recent ones. :-/ Now this is me building up posts ;D ;D

Quoted from Dreamscale Howard R Cohen's avatar looks an awful lot like Simon - Sicoll007 - Hmmm...interesting...

Yeah, what's with the name change, Simon? Would have preferred you went with Howard the Duck ;D

Quoted from CoopBazinga Would have preferred you went with Howard the Duck ;D

..but Howard the Duck never wrote 'Care Bears' did he?

Quoted from Forgive ..but Howard the Duck never wrote 'Care Bears' did he?

True my friend...but he was "A New Breed of Hero";D ;D ;D

The script read more like a book, in some ways, but I think it would work well as a short.  It's a good example of circular story telling.