Chris Halvorson's Cannibal by Chris Halvorson - Horror, Thriller, Comedy - A cannibal kills and kills and torments a man until some college kids get into the whole plot and explore the woods....66 pages - pdf, format 8)

Holy spit, this is The Cabin.





Realizing that no one was going to delete my original post, here, I figured it best to actually comment on this script a little.

For starters, Chris, don't include a brief resume with your script (page one).  This is especially true when you, yourself, says that one of your other pieces of work sucks.  It's not a selling point.

For starters, leave out camera angles and We see.  These little nuggets don't belong in a spec script.  Even if you plan to, some day, shoot this script, you should always start with a spec script to see how the story flows.

I don't know how old you are Chris, but you wrote two different things in the first few pages of this script that leads me to believe that you are a thirteen year old kid who doesn't get out of the house much.  The first is the sex scene that you opened your story with.  It's unrealistic and laughable.  

The second is on page three when Jacobi and Frank smoke some freshly plucked cocaine.  Do you know anything about cocaine?  At all?

Or police crime scene?  It was ridiculously unrealistic.

You have to research things before you write them.  Don't just rehash things you remember seeing from forgettable films.  You get a reputation for posting poorly written scripts, you won't find anyone to read them.

Read some scripts here, to learn about formatting.  Read what people say about them; it'll help you understand what looks good in a script and what doesn't.


Phil

HELEN
Ian, what if we don’t get out of it alive.
Where do you think we’ll end up?

IAN
Heaven. But sometime this monster will
be killed by a great force, such as myself.

HELEN
You are a very good man.

IAN
That is all I hear you say. I know I’m
not. I’ve made many mistakes in my past.
I was a bully. I was the one who sent the
cannibal into being a hermit. It was my
idea to tell his parents to end the misery
and kill themselves. All mine. I tried to
talk the cannibal, which is Elijah, out of
it. Elijah wouldn’t listen. He was a nerd
and very hard to talk to. He would not listen
to you. He always tried to pick fights with
me and just get his ass whooped in the end.
I hate my life and I’m gonna end it the right
way. Killing him.



There's your story. Unfortunately, you just squished it into the corniest, funniest monologue I've ever read.

If you're going to rewrite this, do your research and read over everything you put to paper. Get to know your characters. Make them distinguishable. Rework the dialogue. Make it significant and memorable. Get rid of the smoking, sex, and any other pointless drawback.

Good news is I wasn't bored reading it -- bad news is it's for all the wrong reasons.

I had to check this out simply cos of the buzz, and not a good buzz.  But unfortunately I found myself stopping after a few pages.  I think Phil hit the button here with your age being young as the sex scene is bad.  I'll leave with this extract from your script to show how confusing and unrealistic it is.

INT. HOUSE - HALLWAY - NIGHT

Kate gets out, nude, wet. Her tits just hanging there, very sexy.
She puts on some clothes.

STEPHEN
Where are you going?

KATE
Home.

STEPHEN
Why, I could fuck you all night!

KATE
I love it when you bang me, but just for the night.

STEPHEN
Fine. I had a stiffy you know!


OK here are my thoughts on this small piece:

Kate was in the shower with Stephen in the previous scene so...

INT. HOUSE - HALLWAY - NIGHT

Kate gets out (of where, the shower or the room?), nude, wet (oh the shower and the room). Her tits just hanging there (where else would they be?), very sexy.
She puts on some clothes (what while she's still wet, doesn't she dry?).

STEPHEN
Where are you going?

KATE
Home.

STEPHEN
Why, I could fuck you all night! (they've just done it twice)

KATE
I love it when you bang me, but just for the night. (a girl who loves sex without the conversation afterwards, she doesn't exsist in the real world) lol

STEPHEN
Fine. I had a stiffy you know! (again, Jesus is he on Viagra or something?)

Chris, are you even around for all ths constructive criticism?


Phil

Anybody interested in Chris' thoughtful responses to reader feedback can find them here:

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-horror/m-1170508469/

Otherwise, it would be kinda' nice if you guys could just let this one rest until Chris finds the time to check back, OK?

He hasn't listened to anyone so far, Bert.  He makes the same mistakes in each of his scripts and has shown no sign of improvement.  The fact that he hasn't acknowledged anyone's critiques, or that he's reviewed only one script, in the eight months he's been here shows that he really doesn't care about anyone but himself.


Phil

That Cannibal is one amazing guy!  I'll tell ya, this guy jumps through trees like a flying fox!  Maybe he's not just Elijha the cannibal, but part cannibal monkey and cannibal bird?

The ending is classic...3 more Cannibals out of nowhere!  How does one know that they are already Cannibals unitl they start trying to eat people or fly through trees?  There must be a certain Cannibal look that I'm not privy to.

I can't wait to read the sequel with those three new Cannibals.  An idea would be to make them part Cannibal dolphins, and have them do alot of swimming, as well as their tree work.  Instead of the trusty cross bow, they could each have their own limitless artillery spear gun.

listen! I DO LOOK AT THIS F****** THING! I'm writing a new screenplay without things that suck like pot, cocaine, sex! Please check it out. It is my best work. It'll be here by next month

Oh, and it wasn't my idea for the dope scene!. Jackson Athey put the sex and the dope scene!

Chris, I've read two or three of your scripts; they're all the same.  You have a reputation.  People are not going to keep reading your scripts knowing that they're bad and that you don't listen to people when they comment on your scripts.  This is especially true when you're not reading/reviewing anyone else's scripts.


Phil

Quoted from Chris listen! I DO LOOK AT THIS F****** THING! I'm writing a new screenplay without things that suck like pot, cocaine, sex! Please check it out. It is my best work. It'll be here by next month Oh, and it wasn't my idea for the dope scene!. Jackson Athey put the sex and the dope scene!

Chris, you're missing the point here, it's not that pot, cocaine and sex are bad, it's just how they're described here. I know I've tried two of the three, and had a great time. The thing is, the writing needs lots of sharpening.

Criticism can be tough to take, Heaven knows I've gotten feedback on some of my stuff I take some exception to, but all feedback is good. I've used feedback gotten here to strengthen some of my work.

I think you'll find people here are willing to help people shape and improve their scripts, but that person needs to contribute as well and be willing to take advice.

Quoted from Chris listen! I DO LOOK AT THIS F****** THING!

This is unacceptable, Chris.

If your next post is another juvenile bitch-fest that fails to even acknowledge any of the people who have taken time to read your script and offer you advice, then I am going to lock this thread.

Chris, you should've put this in the comedy section.  It's hilarious.  I'm not ripping you or anything, but it is funny.  I used to write stuff like this for a Halloween message board--but I wrote it mad goofy on purpose.  I'm gonna take a wild guess that Cannibal was a serious attempt, though.  Anyway, on with what you have:


There is virtually no suspense with Kate & Stephen when it comes time for them to go.  It starts and ends with the snap of a finger.  One crunching noise spooks Kate out to that degree?  Come on now....maybe throw in a coyote howling or something, that would at least get somebody going.

I don't think it really matters what color hair Jacobi and Frank have.

I'm not sure on this one, but if you get hit with an arrow, wouldn't trying to pull it out make things even worse?

Frank running with an arrow in his neck would be quite the sight to see.  Especially since he can articulate his words perfectly without gargling any blood up.

Why don't Jenson and Ian put up more of a fight when they get paged?  I don't understand it.  They seem to be relaxing and having a good time fishing, wouldn't they bitch at the call and tell them to find someone else to peep out the crime scene?

I like the small exchange between Brad and Ian on page 7.  If you're trying to portray Brad as a ignorant dumbass, you're succeeding.

Why are a bunch of cops in the forensics room cutting open a dead body?  I don't think that's in their job description.

Can I ask what the deal is with Brad?  He blurts out things during questioning like "my dick!" and he kicks kids in the shin for no reason.  He's supposed to be a cop?  LOL.

And cops have guns.  Why don't they use it when they're being attacked by these cannibals?  It's almost ridiculous that they don't even consider unloading a clip into these things.  And on page 10, why not try and make the rape more disturbing?  It's supposed to be, yet it's just so funny.

The cannibal smiles and we see Kate lying nude on the bed, who
huge breasts just hanging there, even though she is dead.

Of course they're gonna just hang there.  They're tits, man.

Why do these cops feel like they're from Halloween 5?  There's a cannibal out there killing and raping hot dead babes, yet they feel it's better to act like clowns instead of finding the killer.  Even their ideas are moronic.  "Let's throw rocks and sticks at the door till he comes out and then check it out in there!"  Here's one, let's take the guns out of our holsters and ice this nut bar.

Page 22, priceless.  I will say at some points your dialogue is nice.  Now on the same page, you reallly really make Ian a dumbass.  Why does he pull out a hunting knife instead of a gun?  I don't think one bullet has been fired yet from any of these cops.

If Ian is in an asylum, how would he have the knowledge that the kids just decided to leave on a camping trip for the woods?  The man is a psychic, yet an idiot at the same time.  He chases the cannibal away, then tells everyone it's safe to sleep at the camp for now... as if the cannibal won't come back... and hang Helen from a tree.

The ending is very abrupt.  The cannibal has no problem dispatching of other victims, but it has a tough time dealing with a dope like Ian... in a script where anything can happen, I'm surprised you didn't add the three other cannibals to the mix.  Things would've been cut short a lot faster.

Hopefully you read more scripts and learn how to write a good story with smart and likeable characters.

Quoted from slabstaa Of course they're gonna just hang there.  They're tits, man.

I've contacted cafepress.com and am ordering 2,000 shirts with this printed on it.

And remember:  You can't spell CANNIBAL without CABIN


Phil

Dogglebe, if you don't want to read my next script fine!!!! If anyone would want to write a sequel, go ahead.

And I meant it to be funny! You always need humor in a scary movie.

Quoted from Chris If anyone would want to write a sequel, go ahead.

Cannibal 2:  Joe Killer and the Hanging Tits.


Put me down for one of those shirts, Phil.  It'll be a nice addition to the other one I just ordered.

Chris, we want to read your sequel!!!!!!  Maybe each of the 3 Cannibals can have their own, unique attributes.  Like Cannibal #1 can be Dolphin Cannibal with a spear gun.  He can live in an area that has both trees and ocean.  Cannibal #2 could be a cross between a flying fox, a Cannibal, and Jason Voorhees.  His weapon could be a large machete.  Cannibal #3 could be more like a snake, and crawl around on the ground underneath unsuspecting prey.  His specialty kill could be biting the big toes of human feet that walk over him.  That way, you could have kill scenes underwater, in trees, and on the ground.

And finally, congrats to "Jackson Athey" for his ingenious drug and sex scenes.  They are truly "classic".

Quoted from Chris Dogglebe, if you don't want to read my next script fine!!!! If anyone would want to write a sequel, go ahead.

Why would anyone want to write a sequel to this?  Honestly!

Quoted from Chris And I meant it to be funny! You always need humor in a scary movie.

You also need something scary in a scary movie.  You left that out.

Why post your script in a writers' forum if you're not going to listen to their comments?  I've accepted a lot worse criticism than this with greater appreciation and dignity.  If you can't accept criticism, you shouldn't be here.


Phil