Biggest mistake you have made... you put no time down on scene headers... You put "EXT. COUNCIL ESTATE, EAST LONDON". Firstly, is the fact that the council estate is in East London so important that we need to be reminded of it every time we see it? Probably not. What would be better is "EXT. COUNCIL ESTATE. EVENING." From this, we know what time of day it is.
Ok, firstly, when characters are introduced, their names need to be in block capitals. "She is a fourteen year old called Ashley Gaines." needs to be "She is ASHLEY GAINES, the fourteen year old school-girl" or something similar.
Also, your descriptions are a bit too long, and drawn out. The opening paragraph should be slimmed down, or at least broken up into two or three paragraphs, instead of one big one.
Also, the dialogue from Youth A, and Youth B seemed pretty unrealistic... My cousin actually lives on an East London council estate (in Ilford...) and I haven't really heard many teenagers talking like that, whilst kicking someone's head in. Boys (well the ones I know, and have heard talking) don't say things like "I will set my bitches on you". I mean, the dialogue wasn't bad, it just wasn't realistic.
Yeah, none of the characters are in block capitals when they are introduced... you need to change that mate.
Top of page 4; Karen needs a full stop in her speech (after first sentence). Also, when the characters are interrupting each other, it is better to have "--" at the end of the dialogue which is being interrupted, as opposed to "...". I used to use the dot, dot, dot, but I realised that the "..." doesn't necassarily mean the character is being interrupted, they could be trailing off. The "--" means an interruption...
Also, when Tom and Karen are arguing, they are off camera right? We can hear them, but not see them. If this is the case, then after their names, you need to put (O.C.). This means Off Camera, and tells us that they can be heard, but not seen.
Ok... the descriptions on page 7 are a little long again. Also, on page 7, you tell us that Vic is dreaming of fire, and can hear screams. Are you going to show these dreams? Are the audience going to hear the screams? If not, then they don't need to be in the description.
On page 9, you say "Ashley is on her way t school." I think you mean "TO school".
I find it quite hard to believe that Tom and Vic could have a fight, without anyone hearing anything... also, if Vic heard Tom and Ashley shouting at each other, so would others. And I reckon others would have seen Vic strangle Tom, then dump his body... just my 2 cents.
On page 27, you say "EXT. BRIGHTON." What do you mean by this? Brighton is a big place... its like a little village. They could be in the city centre, by the shops, on the beach, by the pier, or on the outskirts of the town... make their exact location more detailed, you know?
And you make the pier sound deserted and derilict... I have got some mates who go to uni in Brighton, and whever I visit them, the pier is always very busy...
Overall:
This script had some potential, but there were quite a few formatting mistakes. You need to capitalise character names when they are introduced, you need to write the time of the scene with scene headings, and there are some words which don't have capital letters, but need them.
The plot had a few holes in it (most noticeable the one I mentioned earlier- about the residents of the estate not hearing the fight), and it did move pretty slow in the middle. The end was easily the best part of the script, and the end scene would work very well. We feel sorry for Vic, and him getting killed further increased our feeling of sympathy for him. He's not a bad guy, but things just don't go his way.
The script did remind me of "Leon"... you have a main character with a character flaw, who forms a relationship with a young girl.
But yeah, this script had potential... just sort out the formatting problems, and maybe find a way to spice up the middle act of the script, then it would be pretty good.
Cheers, Toby E.