Exit Route by John Christopher (scarlet101) - Short - An ill mans past finally catches up with him. 4 pages - pdf, format 8)

SPOILERS!

Hey John, this was really rushed man. Just the ending is completely out of the blue as there is no build-up to who this guy is. You cover his illness but leave out what the script is about - his sins. I couldn't tell you if he had done anything wrong or whether the other guy on the phone was just some whacko.

I can't even comment on the idea as I don't know what it was. Some people could even take this the wrong way and think it's a comment on Aids sufferers in general. I'm sure it's not but my point is you're dealing with some heavy issues in this and to not clarify what you're trying to say might offend some people.

I think if he covered himself in petrol, as soon as he lit the match he would go up in flames to be honest.

Didn't make any sense to me really, I didn't know who to root for.

Ste

Hey Ste

Thanks for the read. I used AIDS as the illness Joey is dying from because I think it fits(what other life threating illness can you get from sleeping with prostitutes?).
As for where the idea came from, well the vblogs I watch on youtube, I always wonder if those ppl are really like that in real life. If there is somthing synister behind the persona they show off to us the viewer.
The Joey charater came from a documenry I watched on tv, it followed an irish poet on his yearly trips to Nepal where he says he writes some of his best work but as it went on we the viewers and the film maker see some strange goings on between the poet and the young boys who are constanly calling to his hotel room.
the poet whom most of the country respected and liked has now gone into hiding.

Is saying a script was really rushed a nice way of saying really bad, if so thanks for thinking of my fragile state of mind as a newbie to the screenwriting way of life.

Was the formatting ok ?

Okay, i can tell this is a beginners piece, and..you know what, you have some talent..all you really need is to shape it some more.

First i'll tell you to make phrases short and to the point. A shorter script is a leaner script. A leaner script is what everybody likes. Because it's less we have to read.

i'll give a brief example. You write:

INT. BASEMENT - NIGHT

The screen is filled with the black silhouette of a man
surrounded by the white aura from his PC screen. The man
takes periodic drags from a little cigar thats he cradles in
his left hand while we hear him clicking the mouse with his
right.

at the top of my head, taking your words and adjusting them, i would  put it like

A silhouette of A MAN appears before a bright aura from his computer PC. He smokes.  Suddenly theres a click of the mouse with his right hand.

(i dont know -- just make things short and sweet)

Your story was okay...nothing great. I second Stebrowns comments about your story.

Formatting was pretty decent. I didn't think you were new to writing judged by this, just felt the structure of the story was wrong. Although, I agree with Bry about trimming down some of yoru descriptions but I liked a lot of the shots you had set up.

Rushed just means you don't go into enough detail, the story unfolds too quickly. Trust me, nearly all of my scripts are described as rushed. It's difficult when writing a story of any substance to have a page count under 20-30. It's a hard skill to learn, I'm still trying to learn it myself.

If you take what you are trying to say with this and write it down, not as a script just prose. Then think of ways to show exactly what is written down. I honestly think you'd struggle to do that unless this was at leat double in length. For instance, like I said, you didn't show if the guy was bad or not, you only showed that he had Aids and someone wanted him to set fire to himself because of it. The 'prostitutes' line I didn't take the way you intended obviously. I think his real life would have to be shown.

Good idea though, now you've explained it. Good luck with it and if you post a rewrite I'll give it a read.

Ste

SPOILER SPACE (MOST LIKELY)

When writing a script where AIDS plays a significant role, you really should do some research into the disease.  Doctors haven't given AIDS victims six month prognoses since the mid-eighties.  Those afflicted nowadays, with the cocktails they're giving, they live for years.

I didn't understand this story.  Why does Joey need help in committing suicide?  Why would go to youtube for it?  And how does the Man (someone you should give a name to) manage to do everything that he does, including mind control over a cel phone?

As Ste put it, you really rushed this story.  It could (and should) be expanded to thirty pages or better just so everything could be fleshed out.  I didn't feel anything for Joey's condition or his death.  And my questions regarding 'Man' just overshadowed the story.


Phil

Quoted from Wikipedia Without treatment, the net median survival time after infection with HIV is estimated to be 9 to 11 years, depending on the HIV subtype, and the median survival rate after diagnosis of AIDS in resource-limited settings where treatment is not available ranges between 6 and 19 months, depending on the study. In areas where it is widely available, the development of HAART as effective therapy for HIV infection and AIDS reduced the death rate from this disease by 80%, and raised the life expectancy for a newly-diagnosed HIV-infected person to about 20 years.

I guess this means it'll be check out time soon for Magic Johnson.

Thanks for the reads Bry, Dogg, and Ste again

I guess the main thing I'll take from what you guys have said is that what I'm writing and what I have visually in my head I'm not getting it across to people. As I think most of you said you had a hard time understanding it.

As for the AIDS thing, ok I've learned my lesson on that one and so I wont write anything as heavy as that again or until I'm hopfully a better writer and understand how to tackle such a sensitive issue(I say that now but I just know I'm might step into somthing unconsciously and get rightly flamed by everyone for it lol).

As for my action lines being to long, point noted.

I dont think I will do a rewrite on this just yet as I'm in the middle of writing another script and the fact that I'm maybe not mature enought to write about this sort of topic.

Thanks

Scarlet

Scarlet

You could have had Joey not wanting treatment, for some reason. Therefore the 6 months would be more accurate. Don't avoid serious issues, unless that's what you want, the point is do some research and show what you're wanting to show.

Hey John, not sure what to make of this?

The comments you've had so far pretty much cover everything.  I'm not entirely sure I followed the story and there are too many question left unanswered, how does the man manipulate Joey into suicide and why, why does Joey want to kill himself if indeed he does, how does the man know where Joey is to pick up the cell phone or is it Joey's phone?

One thing I did like was the youtube part as this rings true in todays society, people will watch anything, even people on their death bed.

I agree that this piece needs a little work to get the best from it though.  At the moment it's a bit off the mark.

I agree with everyone else, mostly on the AIDS thing, the petrol thing, and how the heck do you hypnotize a man over a cell phone? I know that the technology is getting more sophisticated but this is ridculous.

Why did he die so suddenly? What s this man's motive? Oh wait you're still writing.

Also, the charaters were like the same, and why would anyone want to post their 'sufferings" on youtube? no one cares, man, unless the video has someone's crotch getting hit.

or maybe there are lonely people out there.

Actually, Kayla, I'm pretty sure youtube has people's blogs like this.  Same with myspace.  It's especially entertaining on youtube when people with AIDS get hit in the crotch.

Seriously though, people do this has their last chance at fame.  Unfortunately, their work is usually overshadowed by silly things like skateboarding accidents, badly produced movie shorts by amateur filmmakers and Ron Paul supporters.

I just remembered something else I wanted to comment on, here.  When the voice first talks to Joey on the phone and calls him by name, Joey asks, "How do you know my surname?"  No one talks like this.  He might ask "How do you know my name?" and then look around,but the way it's written is very artificial.


Phil


Phil

Hey kayla

I don't agree with you about the hypnotizing cell phone being ridculous. Why not modernize the way people get hypnotized and get away from the stone age methods like the pocket watch that swings like a pendulum and the swrily black and white circle.

Darren Brown does the hypnotizing phone bit on his show(even though it does look abit staged) so in a fictional piece I can't see it as a ridulous idea.

And a fictional script is what this is. no where in the script will you read the words "based on a true story". I do understand that ppl had a hard time understanding what the story was about(thats something i need to work on in my next script) but i think using a house hold name like youtube might of made it a little real for some ppl and so they in turn had a hard time accepting the fictional elements(cell phone) in the script