Daemonic Possession by H.Elliston-Gray (pippo) - Horror - Brother Michel was charged with guarding the secrets buried deep beneath the vatican. When the secret's out, humanity is ill prepared for the consequences. On strict instructions to limit the damage, Michel and his apprentice set out to try and prevent the inevitable. 119 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hi there...I would really appreciate any feedback I can get on this my first script. Did I get the formatting right, balance of action vs dialog, etc. So please don't feel like you have to read the whole thing.

Please be aware that this does contain scenes some may find offensive.

I know you probably haven't checked this in a long time, but I ran across your script and thought I'd jot a few things down for you...just in case you came back.  

1) First off, you need a time of day at the end of your setting.  It should look something like this... INT: CASTLE - TORTURE CHAMBER - NIGHT

2) Take out all the "WE" in your script.  You shouldn't be telling us what we see, but showing us by using other words.  

3) All your main characters need to be capitalized -- not in parenthesis.  Example:  GILLES DE RAIS, 30's, expensive clothes, barges through the door, heaving.  Something like that would flow a little better than what you have.

4) VERY IMPORTANT!!!  Your comma and period placement needs work.  There's way to many instances where a sentence needs to be shortened (the commas taken out).  It's helps the flow of your script and helps with saving pages.  

5) On page 2 you get very descriptive with the library.  It's WAY to much.  Only add things that's important for the reader to know.  Example:  Rows of bookcases stretch the inside of the library.  Off to the right, an old wooden door sits ominously in shadows.  A sign above the door reads, "Unoccupied".  

Remember, you're not the director.  Describing everything only detracts the reader from getting into the flow of your script.  Also, VERY IMPORTANT...keep each paragraph to a minimum of 4 or 5 lines -- no more.  A giant block like that, especially where you're describing things that don't add anything, bogs the read down immeasurably.  

6) You're missing a lot of periods at the end of your sentences.  Puncuation and grammar is very important.  No one wants to have to figure out what you're trying to say because you're being lazy.  

There's a lot more to comment on, but I just don't have the time.  The best thing I can suggest is to pick up the Screenwriter's Bible.  It's very, very helpful.  Also, read as many scripts as you can.  Professional one's.  Not the unproduced one's you see here.  

Hope that helps.

Dan