Alice In Modern Wonderland by Kira - Short - Technology creates alternative reality while hinders human interaction and relationship development. Alisa prepares for the most important day of her life, but will it go smoothly? 7 pages - doc, format 8)

I'd love to get the group's feedback on the script: the good, the bad, and any improvement suggestions.

Thank you for taking the time to read!

First problem I see is format. Change the font to Courier New, size 12. The action lines are fine. The dialogue/character names are a little bit off. No space between the name and the line. It shouldn't be centered. I don't know the exact number, but I think the character name is at 3.5 and the dialogue starts at 2.5, and it's always three inches wide. The parenthetical is at 3 (I think).

Your actions themselves aren't that bad. You can't say why a character does something, though, so cross out "at the thought of something". Just have her smile. The audience should get the rest.

When you're showing any kind of text messages, be sure to put a new minislug:

HER IPOD

TODAY IS THE DAY

Any text that appears on screen is capitalized in a screenplay, whether or not it's actually capitalized.

In a screenplay, you can be as specific as you want. Let the other people worry about the legal matters. I'm sure someone will disagree, but I think it's okay to say she uses an iPhone, or drives a Mustang. Again, it's not your job to deal with legalities. And since this'll probably be made independently, then I don't see a problem with it.

It's Pride Sunday here in San Francisco and I gotta get down to lunch. i love the concept and I can't wait to read the rest of this!

Thanks for your feedback.  I'll incorporate and upload an updated script.
Let me know if you have additional comments once you get to the end.

Thanks

Hey girlworld,
just read your screenplay and, while the idea of a girl falling head-over-heels in love with a virtual boyfriend is a cool concept, you didn't really execute it as well as you propbably could have.

When I opened it up I noticed that you aren't using one of the industry standard software systems for your scripts. Go to Celtx.com and download there free formatting software, it's really user friendly.

In your action lines you have detailed too much: like the character's thought processes, 'standing before the door sge closes her eyes and envisions a number of guests....' The reader won't know what she's seeing with her mind's eye unless you have established that through a dream sequence or something like that.

Also, when she looks at the garment bag, you wrote that 'we don't know what's inside' no need to write that, if we don't see it, we of course don't know the contents until she removes them from the bag.

I think that you should use the term : INSERT whenever you want to show a display from a device, computer, a picture, a letter, etc., that's the industry standard from what I understand.

Your action was for the most part good, just needs to be tightened up.
Dialogue could be a bit less on pint and the conversation between the executive and the newsman was much too long, even for a short film. You could add more lines and action to the main character's appearance on screen instead.

So, the concept is awesome, but the execution just needs more practice is all.

Your pacing was adequate, though, the long conversation slowed things too much down for me when I was reading it. The structure could use a few small tweaks, but I think that you have the overall idea down pat.

I hope this helps in some way.

Omira

Omira, thank you for such great and valuable input.  I will revise and incorporate into a tighter short.

I agree that the concept is good. The format is all wrong but software can fix some of that.

Beyond that read some of the professional scripts on the website and as you read them ask yourself what makes them readable.

For the story I'd suggest showing some interaction with the computer character earlier on and having the big wedding shock at the end somehow. You have actually picked something that will be difficult to write because one of the lead characters will be a non-existent computer so it'll be hard to show that relationship developing.

Philip

Hi girlworld,

I like your script, although format a bit different.

I really want to do short film on this for my own show reel. I am staying in Singapore. Can I have your permission to produce this script? It won't be for commercial use, just for ym showreel. I may need to change some parts of it.


Thanks in advance.
James

not sure if your still on this board, but i read your script and have a few suggestions if interested.
some typos:  'joyfully confirmatively' can't use double adverbs.  just joyfully is fine.
          "and a feel motion in"   Not too sure what that means.

I thought it was a little strange to have her just stare at the garmet bag that might be a little strange on film.  Maybe have her touch it briefly, as if shes goingo open it, then restrainsherself.  i guess a good actress could pull off staring at it, but seems a little wierd.

Also the monologue by the rep is pretty long, and kind of repeats what was just said before hand.  Maybe you could cut out some of the technical stuff and make it more of a propaganda thing, like rhetoric that implies the technology without being all drawn out.  Or possibly add some descriptions of whats going on on the screen.  is he just sitting being interviewed?  maybe have a promo video playing, with images of satisfied customers having wonderful conversations with their computers.  just something to break up the size of it.

also i would get rid of the myspace/utube/facebook bit at the end.  anyone who hasn't gotten the idea by then is pretty much hopeless, and it kind of talks down to the reader/watcher.

anyways, I definately liked the idea, and it was a fun read. good luck