Love trouble on family game night by Joe Michaeli (Ojoe) - Series, Comedy - The older brother goes out with the main brother's recent ex-girlfriend because he has kept his relationship secret.  So while David the main character (middle brother) deals with the emotions & conflict of his relationships, he must also find enough players for game night.  Backdrop is their live-in grandfather who is always telling them stories of his youth. 28 pages - pdf, format 8)

If anyone has a short 45 pages or less, I'd gladly review it for same on my script, (of course I'd review yours first before you begin mine). :)

Just leave me a message or something, thanks,
Joe M.

As for this script: The characters were originally playing Monopoly, but I changed it for C'right reasons.

I had a couple of problems with this script, Joe.  Your formatting could be a little tighter.  Your descriptions are very wordy.  For example:

The front door opens and a man in his mid-twenties, wearing a shirt and tie enters. He is MIKE. Mike hurries to the phone, but it stops ringing.

could be tightened up by saying:

MIKE walks through the front door, wearing a shirt and tie.  He hurries to the phone but it stops ringing.


and

[i]Another young man in his early twenties walks in from outside wearing a T-shirt and carrying a backpack. He is DAVID.

could be better written as:

DAVID (20) walks in, dressed casually.  He carries a backpack.

Each 'tightened' version is a line shorter on the script page.  Introducing them by name, instead of 'a man,' makes it easier to identify with them.

Another example includes:

Mike follows David into the kitchen area. Mike grabs plates, while David fills his cup with ice cubes. They stand in silence for a long moment.

can easily be told:

Mike follows David into the kitchen.  He grabs plates while David fills his cup with ice.  The room falls quiet.

If you were to eliminate one line on every page, your script would be a page shorter.  If you were to turn off the CONTINUED formatting on your writing software, you would shave off another three or four lines per page.  Four or five more pages eliminated.

I had trouble following the characters.  They all sounded alike to me.  You should do something to make them stand out from each other.

The story went on an on, I thought.  It was just a bunch of characters rambling about or that or whatever.  It has to be tightened, with a stronger sense of direction.

Hope this helps.


Phil

Thanks Phil,
I know I over write, and it helps to see the examples you gave.  Now its clear what I'm doing wrong, while before, I couldnt put my finger on it.
And I never even thought of getting rid of the continues and such..

(This is why my other script is 170 pages.)
Reading the scripts on here, helps.

When using the one-page-per-minute theory, loose writing really screws things up.  Professional readers and agents see it as a sign of inexperience.

Glad to help.


Phil