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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board  /  Short Scripts  /  phobia 39
Posted by: Don, July 23rd, 2008, 7:37pm
phobia 39 by Glenn Bresciani (tonkatough) - Short, Comedy - A man must overcome his fear of teddy bears so he can give his daughter a teddy bear for her birthday. 10 pages - pdf, format  - pdf, format 8)
Posted by: mcornetto (Guest), July 23rd, 2008, 9:38pm; Reply: 1
***** SPOILERS *****

Hey Glenn,

Good to see something new from you.  Cute story.  I loved the tea party scene and I thought the initial meeting of the doctor was cool too.  Though somehow I found this a bit more restrained than your usual work.

How I think you can improve this is...

First off, get rid of the phone conversation in the begining.  You could probably remove it entirely but if you feel there is information that needs conveying show us in another way.  Perhaps show us some of his earlier home life.  Perhaps show his daughter ask him for the toy the night before.

I thought the tea party was great but I think that it could be expanded more to include maybe a flashback to show how he got the phobia before he was cured.  Or possibly he could tell the stuffed animals as he tears off their head.

A thought I had while reading the scene with his daughter.  Wouldn't it be interesting if maybe this was exactly how he got his fear and wouldn't it be amusing if his daughter developed it as well.  I don't know if you want to go there but I thought I would throw it in.

Michael  
Posted by: 27moose (Guest), July 23rd, 2008, 9:51pm; Reply: 2
I decided to give this a read through, because I've also recently finished a script about a grown man with a strange phobia.  I thought falling on his daughter would have caused her to get the same phobia as her father, which would have made his distress for nothing.  I do like how it turned out though, especially the conversation with the plush toys.  
Posted by: NiK, July 24th, 2008, 2:39am; Reply: 3
Hey Glenn

Overall is a good story, but not an interesting one in my idea. You already know that he is gonna overcome his fear for the plush toys, i'd go for something different for the end, like 27moose said, i thought the daughter would have the same phobia after what happened.

The best scene for me was that with the doctor, that was so funny!

And something you might have missed, a person with phobia needs a therapy and if i'm not wrong he needs a psycholog not a doctor.

Cheers
Nik
Posted by: stebrown, July 24th, 2008, 9:25am; Reply: 4
Hi Glenn

Good to see something new from you man. Just had a read of it and it was really funny.

The scenes in the mall would look great on screen. Kinda apocolyptic as everyone runs in terror due to Jeffery. I think all that part is really well done.

To be honest I didn't really like the end all that much. I liked how he was kinda stalking his neighbours kids' toys, but I would have just had him go mental. Put it in slow motion as he's walking upto Toby and the bears -- then he just kicks those plushy b*&tards to hell. The dad comes out and they get into a fight just as you've got. Just all slow motion. Nothing's resolved but I don't think you need a clear resolution -- at least it'll end with him fighting back still.

Funny read fella

Ste
Posted by: bobtheballa (Guest), July 25th, 2008, 1:46pm; Reply: 5
I read this one as well and liked it, though I agree with the earlier comment that I'd like to see more of the main character's backstory.

Also, I was expecting a quirkier ending. Something like the girl developing the same phobia or the main character being taken away in the end by a mental institution, animal wrangler, etc.

Like I said, overall very enjoyable.
Posted by: tonkatough, July 27th, 2008, 4:21am; Reply: 6
Thank you everyone for the read of my script.  After reading all your comments I slapped myself in the head and had "OMG! Why didn't I think of that?" moment.

What was supposed to be just a throw away gag with big teddy bear fall on daughter and you all saw it as an oppurtunity to turn the situation into an event that have the daughter end up with same phobia as he father. Cool idea.
Posted by: mgj, August 1st, 2008, 12:21am; Reply: 7
Hi Tonka.  You've written another short, I see.   I'm not sure where you come up with your ideas but the premise you came up with this time - a man being afraid of plush toys - is just absurd enough to work and you exploited it well.

'like a crucifix thrust at a vampire' - that's a great line and fit the situation perfectly.  It seems that your writing has gotten alot tighter recently.  I think I'd be hard pressed to find one word or phrase that needs trimming.

Storywise I think this could use just a little more fleshing out.  I was expecting the doctor to delve into Jeffery's past to try and figure out what might have caused this phobia of his.  It might be interesting to see what sort of episode might have triggered his fear, although I see other reviews have already mentioned this.

Just one other nitpick - I wasn't sure if Ashley bought the Flumper for Jeffery or if she just had it wrapped.  Was she volunteering to deliver it to his house?   It was a little unclear.

Good job overall.  Another solid entry to add to your growing library.
Posted by: sniper, August 1st, 2008, 5:23am; Reply: 8
Hey Glenn,

Cool title! Phobia 39, how d'you come up with this stuff?

This was mainly physical comedy, which is very very difficult to get across right in writing whereas dialogue comedy is much easier to read. I suggest you add a few "jokes" (through dialogue) in order for this thing to be really funny. I get what you were going for, slapstick humor, but I think it will help the general tone of the script if you add a little more funny dialogue.

The storry in itself was pretty good and, in my book, original. Don't think I've ever heard of such a phobia. The opening scene could be a little tighter though, I think you gave away to much information through the telephone conversation. Other than that it was good.

The scene with Morrison is probably my fav. How ever unbelievable Morrison's actions are, I still got a kick out of them. By the way, I think Morrison should be a psychologist and not a psychiatrist (there's a difference). Call me nitpicker.

The end was bit of a letdown to me, it didn't really WOW me, so to speak. He pretty much just gets cured without a whole lot of drama. I think you need to tweak it up a bit further. Also, I think you missed a huge opportunity by not showing why this guy is so affraid of plush toys, I mean, that has got to worth a look - a lot of latent comedy in such a scene I think.

All in all, solid piece that needs a little work.

Cheers
Rob
Posted by: tonkatough, August 2nd, 2008, 7:23am; Reply: 9
Thank you mgj amd Sniper for the read.

I'm not sure if I should take it as a sort of compliment that everyone is suggesting a back story for Toby's phobia. Is it the idea has grabbed your attention enough to make you need to know its source?

Cause when I was writing this, the "why" and "how"  to the plush phobia  did not even cross my mind.

Come to think about it, how would a child be traumatised by a plush toy? that is a head scratcher.    


Posted by: mgj, August 2nd, 2008, 8:18pm; Reply: 10

Quoted from tonkatough

Is it the idea has grabbed your attention enough to make you need to know its source?


Yeah, that's pretty much it.  I don't really think it needs an explanation.  It's just that, for whatever reason,  the idea of what might have caused this lingered in my mind as I was reading this.  It's more of a nitpick.  Kind of tying up any loose ends.


Posted by: mcornetto (Guest), August 2nd, 2008, 9:37pm; Reply: 11

Quoted from tonkatough
Is it the idea has grabbed your attention enough to make you need to know its source?


Because overcoming his phobia is essential to this story, how he got the phobia becomes more important.   There are cases where I wouldn't see this backstory as necessary information but this story seems to warrant it.
Posted by: Scar Tissue Films, August 3rd, 2008, 5:53am; Reply: 12
Cool script.

It's always a pleasure to read your stuff.

I think you already have everything you need in the script, maybe you just need to change the emphasis a bit.

Perhaps his phobia originated when he was left alone with three cuddly toys at a tea party when he was young. That way he can come across the similar tea party and have a serious breakdown. You wouldn't need a flashback, his intense reaction would show the audience that this is where his phobia originated from. You could even have a kind of voice over like memory over the scene ie his voice from childhood.

Then the daughter could see him tearing apart the toys from out of her window and be terrified. When he comes back cured to present the toy to his daughter, we then see that the phobia has been passed along.
Posted by: sniper, August 3rd, 2008, 7:43am; Reply: 13

Quoted from tonkatough
Is it the idea has grabbed your attention enough to make you need to know its source?

Oh, absolutely. Since the phobia is so, like,  out there, there has got be a really funny reason why he's so afraid of those toys.

Posted by: spencerforhire, August 5th, 2008, 12:05am; Reply: 14
A good story. Some loose writing. I believe this could be much tighter. It would read faster. For example, turn the walking into walk. And we know we are in a shopping mall because you put us there in the slugline. Just a couple of examples. Story gets an A.
Posted by: tonkatough, August 8th, 2008, 4:51pm; Reply: 15
Thank you everyone for the read. If any of you want me to read one of your scripts drop me PM and let me know
Posted by: Zombie Sean, August 8th, 2008, 7:57pm; Reply: 16
This was a funny script. I immediately started laughing when everyone started to run out of the mall. It's some random thing you'd see in Family Guy or something, and I love random happenings.

Wow, Dr. Morrison is an ass. But hilarious, nonetheless.

So is Jeffery's daughter now permanently afraid of teddy bears now? 'Cause that could lead the story open for a sequel! Ha ha just kidding...Unless...Unless you want to...

Funny, cute story altogether. I liked it. :)

Sean
Posted by: bert, August 10th, 2008, 4:17pm; Reply: 17
Well, this one seems to have sprung from the same well as "Schizo Express."  I enjoyed Schizo -- as I enjoyed this one -- and I would have some concern about your obsession with neuroses did I not know you better.  Oh, wait.  I don't know you better.  Hmm.  Let's just leave that one alone, shall we, and move on to the story.

We briefly move through the mall with Jeffery, where through a phone conversation, he informs us that he has a phobia about stuffed animals.  Then, he arrives at a toy store, and collapses into wide-eyed terror at the sight of the Flumper.

See the problem there?  You have told us the same thing twice.

How much more effective if Charlie were to simply wander into the store and lose his cookies at the sight of the Flumper without that prior conversation?  Ashley tells us about it a third time, anyway.  And you do not need to change one, single detail of that second scene.

My first advice is to lose the first telephone scene in its entirety.  Read it through without it -- see how it plays if you simply lop it off?  Not too bad, eh?

My second advice is to describe the Flumper.  A minor, but necessary detail.

The scene with Morrison, elaborating on Jeffery's condition for a fourth time, plays out very well.  Wagging the teddy bear at him is a very nice touch, and would play out well.

But the very end of that scene is very similar to the first scene, in that it is "telling us" what you already plan to "show us" later.  I would lose the last two lines of dialogue in the Dr. Morrison scene.

Another quick advice is to make Toby a girl.  Weird, otherwise.  At least to me.  But the slapstick comedy of the tea party plays out well, ending as it should.

Looking back through some of the comments, it seems like having Amanda develop a neurosis of her own has already been covered -- so I will just add my voice to those agreeing that it is a good plan that could add a little punch to the ending.

My biggest advice here, Tonka, is to stop "stealing" your punchlines from yourself.

You have these very funny, comic ideas -- but then have the characters talk about it before we see it -- and it robs us of the surprise.  Your characters are like little kids that blurt out the punchlines to jokes you are only in the middle of telling.

Start putting your funny images right up there on the screen, without any foreplay, and THEN have your characters discuss what happens after the fact.

Try that, and you will have yourself a tight, funny piece here.  Add the bit about Amanda, and so much the better.

I would very much look forward to having a second look at this after you have reworked it a bit.




Posted by: tonkatough, August 12th, 2008, 6:14am; Reply: 18
Normally I don't rewrite a script because once I finish one I just discard it and start something else.

But I must admit your suggestions Bert where so minor and simple you got the better of my curiosity and I thought what the hell why not.  Plus I added the origin of Jeffery's phobia because it was in so much demand. (aw you guys).

I've already sent the script to Don so it should be here in- what? -ten days?

I'll PM you Bert when the new draft gets here.  
Posted by: Shelton, August 20th, 2008, 10:52am; Reply: 19
Hey Glenn,

Haven't looked at any of the comments yet, so I may be repeating stuff here.  As usual, use what you can and disregard the rest.

The opening descriptions of Jeffery and Charlie seem a little inconsistent for how close together they are.  You give Jeffery an exact age, but Charlie is in his 40's.  Any reason for this.

Your introduction of Jeffery could be tightened up a little bit as well.  It won't save any lines, but would help with the flow.

Jeffery, 32, navigates the crowded mall in a pair of overalls and muddy work boots.

Flumper could use a little more in-depth description as well.  After all, this is the source of his fear.

I like the story, and the ending in that he cured himself but essentially passed the phobia on to his daughter.  I'll have to admit when I was reading the scene with Jeffery and the doctor, I thought he was going to suggest that he go to a "furry" party, which would have been quite weird and funny.  Although the family angle makes that pretty impossible.

Anyway, no big issues here.  Just the couple minor things I brought up above, but the story itself is fine.

Nice work.
Posted by: PatrickS, August 21st, 2008, 12:01pm; Reply: 20
I'm going to offer my comments before reading the rest of the thread, so apologies if I repeat issues already raised-fixed. Hey, Final Draft blank title page, I recognize you! :)

Interesting & funny premise of a guy afraid of plush toys. I'm not sure the story really works entirely, it seems almost more like a series of set-piece gags. The protagonist, Jeffrey, doesn't really give us any reason to root for him, particularly as his behavior gets more & more outrageous & outlandish - you really need to have the audience 'on his side' for this to work, I think. Why should we care about him & his problems?

Most of your characters never get named in dialogue, so the audience will never learn their names. Avoid naming minor charactes who don't recur, like Charlie. A name is a clue to the audience (or reader) to remember this character, and people can only go around remembering so much at a time - stick to the key players. CLERK is a fine name for a clerk. Tighten writing: Jeffrey, 32, wears muddy work boots and overalls. Avoid 'The man's name is ...' or 'This is ...' Just hit us with the name and description. I get this is a comedy, with some slapstick-bizarre events, but the mall stampede seems a bit over-the-top; either give us a more plausible reason, a line of dialogue from a bystander or something, or drop it. 'Shit scared' is an odd expression but perhaps I'm not familiar with it. Tighten tighten tighten writing, particular descriptions.

Storyline is pretty absurd, with teddy-bear-costumed skydivers, etc. It might work as a crazy farce, or it might just make people say, this is just silly. Typo p.4 (of coarse). Needs another edit pass for punctuation & spelling. Format is mostly good, but a few blank lines seem to have crept in here & there.

Some confusion in the fight at the tea party - who is Toby? Why does Harry tell Jeffrey to get away from his son, Tina?

I hope this helps, and thanks for putting it up for a read. :)

Patrick Sweeney
Posted by: jayrex, August 21st, 2008, 2:18pm; Reply: 21
Hi Glenn,

Just wanted to add my piece.

I thought your script was funny, a great start, the Doctor scene was good but I felt the ending could do with a little tweaking.

I did think it a little odd that he run away from this toy at the beginning then attend a tea party with them at the end.  But then again, emotions can play with your head.

Shelton also mentioned a 'Furry Party' idea.  To back this idea up.  I accidentally walked into a Furry Tail Party Convention held in a bar last year.  I was with a few mates and didn't notice what was going on till we reach the bar.  Very odd, very funny.

Anyway, if you were to do a rewrite I will have another go at Phobia 39 as it was good overall.

All the best.

Javier
Posted by: alffy, August 22nd, 2008, 3:57pm; Reply: 22
Glenn, this very funny.  The opening in the shop when Jeffery runs out in terror was hillarious then you followed it with the flashback lol.

When Jeffery gets to Morrison the comedy continues and I can imagine this as a really funny scene.  We've all been there when we find something funny at the expense of another, you just can't help yourself...whatever the concequence.

Jeffery's extreme measures to be at his daughters birthday party gave her a phobia too, genius!

Why does Harry say 'get away from my son', isn't Tina his daughter?

I love this concept of passing on his phobia onto his daughter but I just loved the whole thing.  This is one of the funniest scripts I've read here, I could imagine this and I think it would be even funnier on screen.  Great stuff.
Posted by: tonkatough, August 24th, 2008, 4:51am; Reply: 23
Thanks everyone for the read. looks like I owe a couple of you guys a read of your scripts and promise I will as soon as I get the chance.

and as for the tina toby/ boy girl mix up. Isn't it obvious? The first draft it was a boy and in the second draft I changed it to a girl and so over looked a few thing when do rewrite- my bad.
Posted by: bert, August 26th, 2008, 6:16pm; Reply: 24
It is always nice to come back to a work and find it improved, and this one is, even though I guess I have to say that haha.  No, it is.  The new ending is simple, quick, and effective.  The story is better for it.  Sorry it took me so long to look it over.

I read your comment that you generally move onto something new as opposed to endless rewrites, and I can respect that.  But since you already have to go in and fix the son/Toby typos anyway, I will just offer up a couple of things that are very quick to change should you elect to do so.

First, figure out how to get that title page to work.  That always gives me a small, negative twinge when I see it -- whether I know the author or not -- before I have even read a single word of the script.

Second, you should describe the Flumper.  You neglected to do that in the original draft, and it is still an odd hole that I wonder why you continue to leave empty.  It is a question that immediately springs to the mind of the reader, and the piece is weaker for its absence.

Third, I would tweak the origins of Jeffery's phobia just a bit.  The bear landing on Dad is funny, but you have Dad miss the bear with the mower.  You are giving young Jeffery one "AHH!" moment when you could so easily give him two.  Have Dad mow over the bear.  Fluff flies.  AHH!  Then the giant bear attacks.  Double-AHH!  One right after the other.  Escalation. Really torture the poor kid.  That is how I would do it, anyway.

But even if you choose not to change it up, it still works well on its own terms as a unique and funny piece.  I liked your train one, but I like this one better.  Nicely done.
Posted by: jayrex, August 27th, 2008, 4:14pm; Reply: 25
Just read your new version.

It's slightly different with a few errors remaining.  But it's smoother and the ending has improved.

It's a better read overall.

All the best.


Javier
Posted by: tonkatough, August 31st, 2008, 5:52am; Reply: 26
I decided not to describe the Flumper toy. Is it not the job of the production designer or the director to decide on how the Flumper will look on film?

I just feel in this situation it is not the writer's job to give specific detail of the Toy as if the film were to be produced, the budget would determine the outcome of the toy- if that makes sense.

am I right?
Posted by: mgj, September 1st, 2008, 12:09am; Reply: 27
Interesting to compare the changes with this from your previous version.  It feels a little more streamlined now and reads faster.  In some ways I think it's better for it, in others just different.  

The opening intro I noticed is cut down quite a bit.  I'm not sure if you were concerned that you might be telegraphing things in advance but I kind of liked how we could see the punchline coming, the anticipation of Jeffery's reaction.   Instead now we have it sprung upon us but it still works, just in a different way.  If nothing else, it's interesting to compare the two versions.  There's always more than one way to write the same scene.

The ending ties things up a little more neatly now.  I always took it that he passed on his phobia to his daughter but it's presented a little more clearly now.

You are right, I believe.  I don't think that it's important what Flumper looks like.   I took it that Flumper was meant to represent any generic plush toy.  In fact the more non-descript it is, the better since it probably should be completely ordinary and benign-looking.  Maybe you could just describe it as such or perhaps mention that it has a goofy grin stitched across its face - something simple like that.  
Posted by: theMADhatter, September 2nd, 2008, 7:47pm; Reply: 28
I didn't read the original copy, but this new re-write was funny. I laughed out loud a few times. I loved the mall, the flashback, the doctor's office and the tea party. I felt the part with the taxi driver was almost uncalled for. He could have found a therapist himself or had his wife pick up the plush, maybe even a buddy. A throw-away line on how he got the plush (online purchase?) could replace that scene. A taxi driver seemed random, but your choice.

The doctor was great. Maybe to poke and prod more, he could make puns like "you couldn't BEAR to miss your daughter's birthday?" and snicker. That line sucked, but you get my point.

I thought the line "you traumatized your daughter" was premature. It came too early, because Amanda got over it quickly. Also - ever hear the expression "things come in threes"? I expected one more straw to break the camel's back with Amanda's trauma. Again, your choice, just letting you know what I thought.

Overall, loved it. Hilarious and well-done in the 12 pages laid out. It's a great length, and it could go on with more pages without feeling drawn out - the Furry Tail Party convention, maybe when running out of the toy store he finds himself in a Build-a-bear. Well done, I'm going to look up your other scripts for a read.
Posted by: tonkatough, September 5th, 2008, 5:31am; Reply: 29
Thanks for the read Mad hatter.  and second read mgj.

Hey mad hatter I noticed you been reading a couple of scripts here. Why not post your scripts ON SS so others can read your stuff and post a comment?
Posted by: Scoob, October 6th, 2008, 4:17pm; Reply: 30
Hi Glenn,

Just read this and found it very funny, the highlight definitly being the moment Jeffery emerged in the costume and the tea party afterwards.

The scene where he loses the plot and goes crazy at the Flumper and tears it up would look great in slow motion, as would a few scenes in this one.

I never read the original version but Im glad you added that Jeff's daughter then suffers from the phobia and I think the backstory was great, bizarre and funny.

Like I said, I never read the orignal but I think you have a very funny short here which works really well. It made me laugh anyway!

As has been mentioned, I might have liked to have seen what this Flumper looked like but I see your point that it doesnt really harm anything to not know - I basically just imagined a big fluffy toy anyway.

"You've just traumatized our daughter" is too on the nose.  The scene with Angela the taxi driver is a little confusing at first - maybe if you had Angela return with the toy and then Jefferey thanks her straight away. And as has been pointed out, on page 10 Harry mentions Tina as his son?

All in all, great short which I found really funny, top job!
Posted by: tonkatough, October 10th, 2008, 6:15am; Reply: 31
thanks for the read scoob.

That's why I read your stuff cause I know you will return the favour.

Yeah the on the nose dialouge thing I get a bit confused with.

All this subtext thing is cool and mainly do with emotion but when something is obvious you going to have an obvious response.

If a character wants a glass milk they're gonna ask for a glass milk. If someone looks sick You gonna say "you look sick"
Posted by: ShotgunFever, November 9th, 2008, 10:34am; Reply: 32
I liked it.  The descriptions were clear enough that I pictured it all happening.  The tea party on the lawn...the furry suit.  All good.  The only problem with it is that it seemed like an exercise in screenwriting rather than a genuine attempt at film.  It was pretty flawless as far as structure...it had a few spelling errors (coarse, than) but it didn't really carry me away.  I think that a comedy script should make me laugh as I read it, otherwise the film version would not make me laugh either.  But again, it followed all the 'rules' that everybody considers critical.
-Dave
Posted by: Colkurtz8, November 11th, 2008, 5:33am; Reply: 33
Hey Tonkatough

Gave this another read, as I said I liked it first time around, on my second read I have a few comments, hope they are useful.

What does a taxi uniform look like I thought that dress etiquette was reserved for chauffeurs not run-of-the-mill cab drivers?

                                                      Jeffery
                                 Thanks for doing this. I appreciate
                                                it, really I do.

Was it necessary for him to thank her like this it is her job after all. But I suppose he is after a traumatic experience & a little scattered. The flashback scene was very funny.

The Doctor was humorous but I don't think even in the most Mel Brook-ish of comedies would he actually throw the toy at him multiple times to get a laugh. Just seems a little OTT, struggling to hold in the laughter is understandable.

Jeffery falling on his daughter in complete custume would look hilarious on screen. However, Natalie turns very cold when she starts taunting him with the toy, not to mention opening her daughters birthday present which is the last thing you'd think a parent would do, but hey if it results in someone in a Teddy Bear suit "belly flopping" onto the front lawn as you put it, its worth it.

The next couple of scenes are definitely the strongest of the piece you have created a wonderfully comic situation. However, I found some things confusing.

                                                    Harry
                                     OI! Get away from my son!

He returns the plush toy to Toby - minus a limb.

Is it not a girl called Tina thats having the Tea Party? (My apologies if this has being touched on already I havent read many of the comments)

                                                     HARRY
                                            Yeah, if you say so.

Again I think this line is unneccesary, standing there "befuddled" would be enough it is a pretty strange chain of events you have unfolding in front of them.

Given we see the flashback earlier in the story, we have to presume Natalie is aware of it too, would she not be more sympathetic towards her husband? Objectively for the audience its funny but for Jeffery it's extremely tragic thus for Natalie also.

Sorry if some of the stuff above is a little nit picky but overall I really enjoyed this, great work, man.

Cheers

Col.




Posted by: tonkatough, November 14th, 2008, 2:48am; Reply: 34
Thanks all for the read

To answer your questions Colkurtz

Australian Taxi drivers do have a uniform but I'm afraid it's nothing exciting and rather simple.

Tina/daughter/som mix up is due to my haste and stupidity of uploading short after a second draft and change boy to girl and not proof-reading properly.

Not fixing this problem with a third draft is just laziness on my part.
Posted by: Brian M, November 23rd, 2008, 1:29pm; Reply: 35
This is one of the best shorts I've read on here, it's different, very funny and has a good ending. I don't know where you got the idea from but it is pretty genius if you ask me.

Loved the character of Morrison, very funny guy. I could picture nearly all of the scenes and they would look great on screen. The bear that was supposed to fall in the soccer stadium had me in stitches.

I think the flashback would have been better in the scene with Morrison with a voice over. When the flashback ends, Morrison would be struggling to hold in his laughter and then taunt him like he does.

Otherwise, a great read. I really enjoyed this one.
Posted by: dresseme (Guest), November 24th, 2008, 9:33pm; Reply: 36
Glenn,

First off, let me say that I like the premise of the story.  It's cute and it provides you a lot of good material.  I'm a little concerned with the amount of suspension of disbelief involved with your story (more on that later), but that might work.  One example of s.o.d is the psychiatrist's suggestion to help Jeffery.  After shoving a bear in his face for a couple of minutes he jumps directly to dressing him up as a bear?   I understand this is for comedic effect (and hence why the s.o.d might not be a factor), but it was a bit much for me.  One way I could think to remedy this would be to not make Jeffery's path to being cured on such a quick timeline.  Instead of trying to cram all of this onto one day, maybe you could make it something he tries over time, so you can show a sequence of failed attempts by the psychiatrist.  Just a thought. (or you could even cram more than one into a day)

I would personally lose the language of the short.  I think it takes what is a rather cute idea and makes it a bit too harsh.  I'm not against language, but it really felt out of place here (especially the sky diver's line).

One more thing that comes to mind is the birth of Jeffery's fear.  I see what you're going for (with the absurdity of the humor with how you think it's one thing but it ends up being something completely different), but I don't think you took it far enough, if you know what I mean.  I expected something completely out of left-field to happen even after the skydiver came down.

Overall, it's a good script, but I would fix it up a bit.  There's definitely some funny visuals in the film; such as Jeffery in the bear suit (however, like I said before, the suspension of disbelief is a problem).  And I do like the idea of him basically transferring his fear in the end (even though I don't really like how easily his fear dropped away; I think you should spend some more time thinking of a solution.)

Alright, onto Schizo!
Posted by: rjbelair, November 26th, 2008, 12:04pm; Reply: 37
This is a funny concept with a lot of opportunities for great visual gags.  On a related note, my son was traumatized by a guy dressed up as a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle when he was little – it still makes me laugh.  The Turtle was outside at some store event waving to cars and such.  I took my son over and we took a picture and shook hands with the big green fella.  He waved and was walking away when he tripped (falling away from us).  When he hit the ground the head of the costume came off and rolled away.  From my son’s angle of view he couldn’t see the head of the guy in the costume, to him it just looked like the turtle fell down and his head popped off and was rolling across the parking lot.  My son screamed and ran for the car in sheer terror!  Ah, good times.

Back to Phobia 39.  It looks like you already made some improvements, but there are a few other touches I’d like to suggest for your consideration.  I like the flashback, but I’d rather see it come earlier.  I think the best spot would be when the shopkeeper thrusts the toy at him and he immediately goes back to the event.  When the flashback ends it makes his reaction much more believable/understandable.  If just seeing a plushy caused this severe a reaction, this would be happening to him every time he walked through a mall (those damn devil-toys are everywhere).  And I love the part where he causes a mass panic as he flees the mall.

I liked the scene at the doctor, but it seemed odd that he was just being cruel.  If you could have set this up a little differently – like he has to “evaluate” Jeffery’s phobia.  Then, if the doctor is trying his hardest not to laugh, but just can’t stop himself.  This might be what you had in mind, if so I think you might have entered this scene just a tiny bit too late.  Also, I strongly suggest you end this scene on Jeffery’s line “I’ll try anything” then cut to him in the suit.  Ending on the doc’s line very much gives away the gag.

Lastly, the turn about of him being cured and his daughter become phobic is a great twist, but I feel like the timing is off.  As soon as Jeffery falls on his daughter we see this coming.  You need to save this bit until right near the end.  Perhaps when he first comes into the house Amanda is just a bit put off and doesn’t believe that it’s her daddy in there.  Jeffery tries to take the head off to show her, but the head is stuck on.  Jeffrey panics, flails around busting up the house and/or party decorations.  Amanda is upset and Natalie uses Flomper (awesome name, btw) to chase him outside.  

Jeffery then does the whole tea party bit.  Maybe add a line in there when he’s attacking the toys along the lines of “You killed my daddy!”  Once he’s worked out his demons he runs back to the house, giddy with joy.  He storms in to share the good news of his cure, trips and falls on Amanda at this point, sending her over the edge into Phobia 39.

Format/Technical Notes:
Pg. 1: “JEFFERY is age 32.” is a bit of a clunky way to start off.  Maybe more like “JEFFERY (30s), in overalls and muddy boots, makes his way through the crowds of shoppers.”
Pg. 4: “coarse” should be “course”
Pg. 10: Toby instead of Tina?  Also, on page 9, Harry says get away from my “son”?

Overall, nicely done.  As with all comedy, the tighter it is the better it works, and I feel there are still some opportunities to make this sharper.  Good job.
Posted by: tonkatough, December 2nd, 2008, 3:30am; Reply: 38
Thanks for the resds guys

Brian

It makes me all soft and gooey inside knowing that I entertained you for a minute or two.

Dressel.

Oh. I am surprised.  You have written some of the most funniest wacky scripts I have read here so I thought you would've really clicked with this script.

RJ

Thanks for the very detailed review. and your story about your son and turtle cracked me up. It's horrible laughing at other people's trauma but that's where the comedy pot of gold is hidden.
Posted by: Toby_E, December 4th, 2008, 4:29pm; Reply: 39
What's up Tonka,

I haven't read any other reviews of this script, so I apologise in advance if I'm repeating anything said by others.

Okay, just finished reading the script, and I really enjoyed it. Lots of conflict, and clear character change. It was also very amusing- I even chuckled to myself a few times, which rarely happens to me when reading scripts. The ending was predictable, I predicted that Jeff would cure his fear, but his daughter would develop the same fear, but eh, I read this story to be entertained. Not to expect some amazing plot twist. And well this script definitely entertained me, so well done mate.

Now a few things I thought could be improved... I'd go straight into Jeffrey in the toy shop. We don't need to see him walking though the crowd.

Now a few other things I noticed...:

- The passage about Charlie could be trimmed down to- "CHARLIE, a cheerful man in his late fourties, with a childish grin on his face stands behind the shop counter." In my eyes, that flows better.

- "Is it a plush toy?" "Charlie returns to the counter with a big plump plush toy in
his hands." Plush toy seems to repetative here mate.

- The description on the top of page 2 is too chunky.. break it down a bit mate.

- "Yes, of coarse." - Coarse needs to be "Course".

- Page 6 - "A person dressed in a bulky, teddy bear costume walks onto the front lawn and faces the house." Person needs to be in block capitals, as we don't know who this person is... We assume it is Jeff, but we can't be certain.

- Page 7 - "Princess! I'm so sorry." That sounds weird... I think it would sound better with "so" cut out.

- Page 9 - "OI! Get away from my son!" Don't you mean daughter?

- Page 10 - "Jeffery jumps to his feet. He is ecstatic. He returns the plush toy to Toby- minus a limb." Who's Toby?

- Page 10 - "Hey Honey! I've overcome my fear of plush toys!" I think that would sound better as "Hey Honey! I've overcome it. I've overcome my fear!" We all know what his fear is. You don't need to keep reminding us mate.

But yeah, keep this up mate. I really enjoyed it.

Cheers, Toby.
Posted by: tonkatough, December 10th, 2008, 5:50am; Reply: 40
Thanks for the taking the tiem to read Toby. You're suggestion for dialouge change was very helpful.  
Posted by: sniper, December 10th, 2008, 7:06am; Reply: 41
Hey Glenn,

For some reason I missed the new draft - sorry about that. This was definitely tighter than the first draft I read and I like the fact that you incorporated the reason for Jeffrey's phobia. Okay, the skydiver maybe was a bit outthere but it was pretty funny nonetheless.

Also, I thought the way you cut from the taxi scene to the flashback was a bit abrupt. Ashley seems to be catching on a bit too fast for my personal taste.

Overall, this was definitely better than the first draft.

Cheers
Rob
Posted by: tonkatough, December 11th, 2008, 1:53pm; Reply: 42
Two reads for the price of one! Woot! woot! thank you Mr. Sniper
Posted by: sniper, December 11th, 2008, 2:11pm; Reply: 43

Quoted from tonkatough
thank you Mr. Sniper

Posted by: Jayden Creighton, December 13th, 2008, 2:16am; Reply: 44
Hey Glenn,
Was a nice read, pretty funny and somewhat quirky ... I enjoyed it.
I liked the skydiver falling atop of Jeff's dad, pretty out there but made for a funny scene none the less.
The tea party scene was good also - I could picture just how fucked up that would look if a giant teddy bear was swearing at my daughters toys.
Anyways, nice writing and some good scenes. Nice work.
Muchlove, Jayden :)
Posted by: tonkatough, December 13th, 2008, 2:21am; Reply: 45
Thanks Jayden.

I enjoyed your ED script and promise to read more of your other shorts.
Posted by: stevie, January 31st, 2009, 8:56pm; Reply: 46
hey glen number 2 done! this was great! until the end...
i had to re-read the end because it threw me a bit.  i thought harry was going to turn out to be the skydiver who killed his dad? i dunno, but that's the instant thought i had.
the rest of it was fine. it was interesting to read comedy done by a fellow aussie. we seem to write fairly similiar. and references to the ute was a typical aussie thing!
i didn't realise this had been posted so long ago so anyway, good job and i'll head to number 3.
Posted by: Grandma Bear, February 5th, 2009, 6:42pm; Reply: 47
Tonka,

nice little ironic tale you got.

I believe this is the second script of yours I've read about some sort of phobia...

Anyway, I think it was cute and I liked how Jeffery gets cured even though it seemed sort of like an easy fix.

I didn't really get the Tina to Toby switch. Did I miss something?

I enjoyed your style of writing and I normally don't mention typos, but there were a few. Things like than instead of then and coarse instead of course. No biggie.

I find this to be original. I say this since you have commented on my scripts lately that they are bland, familiar and unoriginal. Maybe I have to agree with you on that. On the other hand, those are also the ones being produced. I probably have near 30 shorts here at SS (under a different name) and I can guarantee you they are not bland or unoriginal. ;D  

Anyways, good job! Nice story, good writing and "original".  ;-)
Posted by: creepy, February 26th, 2009, 12:41pm; Reply: 48
Great script!
Posted by: Shelton, February 26th, 2009, 12:42pm; Reply: 49

Quoted from creepy
Great script!


Please add more to your feedback.  Your other two reviews provided a little bit more, and as a general rule of thumb these get deleted.

Posted by: tonkatough, March 2nd, 2009, 4:31am; Reply: 50
Great review Creepy.
Posted by: James R, August 3rd, 2009, 2:22pm; Reply: 51
This is a very curious script. While the premise is funny and you got a lot of good jokes in there, it didn't flow very well. In any story one event should lead up to the next so that things happen in a logical order and the jokes stem from the plot. In your script, however, it seems like the jokes often make the plot, which makes it not make sense.

Things just seem to happen out of nowhere and the set-ups could be better. Having the doctor say "we may be able to cure your phobia by making you become what you most fear" makes the next scene where he shows up in the costume less funny. Have the doctor say something that hints at a cure, then make him showing up in the costume the punch. You did this a few times, taking away from the flow and the humor.

Funny writing, Glenn.

James
Posted by: ghost and_ghostie gal, August 3rd, 2009, 7:24pm; Reply: 52
Glenn,

I read your short.

Your scene at the mall, I thought was a little over the top.  "The people running for their lives."  I'm pretty sure you could achieve the same effect without it.  

I thought the flashback was good, until the "Skydiver,"  came into the picture.  It's a comedy, I get it... but

Scene at Dr. Morrison's office was pretty funny.

Jeffrey passing his phobia to his daughter... didn't see it coming.  "That's how I read it."  I thought it was interesting though.  

Remember the spacing (-) in your SLUGLINE'S.

EXT. SLUGLINE - DAY

Overall, I liked it.  It was funny.

Ghostwriter 22
Posted by: jwent6688, August 4th, 2009, 7:38pm; Reply: 53
I'll take it your name is glenn,,  I really enjoyed this script. Laughed out loud a couple of times. I'm not the hugest fan of comedy either. Very original.

I love the scene where Jeffrey joins the tea party to get over his phobia. Played out hilarious in my head. All-in-all, great short. The only problem I have is when Tina's father comes out he says "Oi, get away from my son". Didn't you mean daughter? Also there is a spot where Tina becomes a TOBY. Something you missed in revision?

Anyways, great work, really enjoyed reading this. I think it would be worth someone shooting it. I thinks ome of the problems other readers had with it would be null if it were seen on film.    James
Posted by: rendevous, August 15th, 2009, 11:21am; Reply: 54
TT,

I didn't know what a plush toy was so I thought it some type of euphemism until I looked it up.

I've never seen a taxi driver write down an address.
If he's scared of plush toys wouldn't the one on the car bonnet freak him out too? I got a bit lost as to why the taxi driver had the toy, the address and all that.

I like Jeffrey as an eight year old. The teatowel was a nice touch.


Quoted from Phobia 39
Oh the horror.


Liked that line too. Just right.

You get away with the skydiver's line but I think it'd be a bit more realistic if he'd have known he was in the wrong spot and apologized. Maybe blamed it on thermals or ducks or something. I realise the scene is meant to be madcap but still...

You have a habit of slipping into the past tense. For objects and the like most of the time it's understable but for people and emotions it's much better if they are written in the present. Example


Quoted from Phobia 39
He is frightened and agitated.


It'd be much better to me if Jeffrey was twitching then cowers back, or something along those lines.

Morrison was very amusing for me. There's a lot of silly of very imaginitive ideas here that would work well on screen. 'Silly' is a compliment by the way - I grew up on Python.

Tina's line "Wow! You're the biggest teddy bear I've ever seen." was a good one.

Why's Harry think his daughter is a girl? Or is his son named Tina? Me confoosed.  :B

I got the feeling the daugher now has the phobia but I'm guessing here as it wasn't spelt out. I'd have liked to have seen a little bit more to confirm, perhaps from Jeffrey.

Overall some great ideas. Some of it seemed out of the blue though. I was expecting either Charlie or the taxi driver or the sky-diver to reappear at some point. But, anyways I enjoyed it.

Posted by: tonkatough, August 16th, 2009, 9:43pm; Reply: 55
Thanks guys for checking this out.

I fixed up the son/Tina glitch in this script and resubmitted it for uploading so future readers will not get snagged on this one little mistake when reading.

Poor Don, if we writers got it right the first time his work load would be less.  
Posted by: malcolm3, August 24th, 2009, 11:31am; Reply: 56
Nice visual, particularly in the store and the tea party. Very funny in places. I'm with the rest, the girl getting the phobia would be just ironic enough. Keep em coming.
Posted by: tonkatough, August 26th, 2009, 3:23am; Reply: 57
Thanks for the read and kind words Mal. And shock gasp no mention of the Tina/toby screw up because I fixed it and posted a new draft.

Thanks Don for posting it.
Posted by: albinopenguin, August 26th, 2009, 11:10am; Reply: 58
Overall, I really enjoyed reading your script. I have to agree with some of the other posters and say that the scene with the doctor is both the best written and the funniest scene of your script. After that, the flashback was really amusing as well as unique. I was a little dumbfounded at first, but the scene definitely grew on me. Also the whole idea of phobia 39 was a well-thought out concept.

However, there were two small issuse I had with the script. The first was the scene where everyone in the mall started to panic because Jeffrey was going nuts. Personally, i thought this scene would be funnier and more realistic if everyone just stared at him like "what the hell is going on?" Secondly, why would Natalie unwrap her daughter's gift in front of her? I understand that she wanted to her husband to get over his fear, it just didnt seem likely that she would ruin her daughter's birthday over it.

At any rate, really entertaining and highly engrossing script. Can't wait to read more.
Posted by: jackx, August 27th, 2009, 8:12pm; Reply: 59
I didnt read all the comments, so not sure if i'm being redundant.
The first paragraph could be rewritten less awkwardly.
Is this batman of the teddybears?  Become your fear!  Very funny.
why does natalie start flashing the teddy bear around?  Seems very weird to have her take it out, though necessary for the next scene.
How do we see the glaring if he's still i the suit?
I think you need to have the scene with both daughter and dad sharing the same phobia as the end, since thats pretty much resolving the story.  A grown man fearing teddy bears isn't an issue for him, except as it effects his daughter.
Why not have the tea party scene before he goes inside, not curing him, then he stumbles in, scares his daughter, end on the funny note.  

In any case, very funny idea, well written.  maybe a few more jokes would be welcome. Seems like its been getting better for awhile, keep it up.
Posted by: CrazyArtist (Guest), November 10th, 2009, 2:47pm; Reply: 60
I've often had that same reaction to popular 'plushy' children's toys -- they're down right creepy!
Posted by: tonkatough, November 13th, 2009, 5:40am; Reply: 61
Plushy toys creepy? No way. My Nana gave me a Teddy bear for my first birthday and I treasured him like a brother. I still have the damn bear today. Only toy to survive my childhood

Thanks for the read.  
Posted by: ajr, January 8th, 2010, 3:37pm; Reply: 62
Glenn,

For me the story began on page 6 - I think you really hit your stride there and the situations and dialogue were, for me, funnier.  I also like (a) the premise, that you become what you most fear, and (b) the result - that Jefferey becomes cured, but passes the phobia along. In my twisted mind, that's poetic justice!

I didn't read every comment here, but I see that a couple of people remarked about the mall shoppers going crazy and the skydiver, and I echo that. For me, it seemed just too fantastic and a bit of a contrivance.

And it appears I'm the only one who didn't love the scene with the doctor.  While I think it could play funny on screen if it were isolated, I didn't buy into the psychiatrist the way it was set up - he came off too "Pythonesque" for me.

I think this could benefit from playing with the timeline a bit - for instance, have Jeffery start of at Dr. Morrison's office and have him relay to the doctor the events at the mall.

This way Morrison could start out with a "professional" demeanor, and as the weird events are described to him, he can gradually lose it. For me, that would play funnier and more believable. And since he knows the reason for Jeffery's visit, he can still have the Teddy handy to shake at him (I think with this timeline you could also lose the whole taxi scene as well without messing with the story).

Lastly, I would work on tighter narrative descriptions. I think a few of your three line narratives could become two, thereby adding to the flow of the piece and getting the reader to concentrate on the dialogue and the mental images.

AJR
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