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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board  /  July 08 One Week Challenge  /  Love Letters
Posted by: Don, July 26th, 2008, 8:46am
Love Letters by PC - (Persian Walnut) - Short, Drama - Things begin to change for the worst when a Postman starts to receive love letters. - pdf, format 8)
Posted by: The boy who could fly, July 26th, 2008, 4:29pm; Reply: 1
This one was pretty good and fit the challenge well.  I thought it was going to turn into the red shoe diaries at first.  I had a feeling that Bernard was going to be set up and the meeting at the graveyard made that pretty obvious.  Maybe if the meeting was at a home or an apartment it wouldn;t have been as obvious.

This was well written and Bernard was not a likable person, I don't know how Edna ended up with him in the first place.  I wish she had a little more spice to her but things did turn around in the end.  All in all this was a good entry and it was amusing as well.
Posted by: Takeshi (Guest), July 27th, 2008, 6:53am; Reply: 2
This was good. I loved your writing style. Your descriptions were first rate and I didn't feel like there were any flat spots in the story.  

SPOILERS

Sure Bernard was a prick to Edna and during the story I thought to myself, this woman is pathetic, why is she putting up with this rubbish? So that was well done.  

Through out the story I felt that Bernard was being set up, because there was no way a hot young chick could fall for a slob like him but I didn't really foresee it ending the way it did.  I also liked the fact that the insensitive gift Bernard gave Edna actually ended being used on him. That was a nice piece of irony.

The only suggestion I would make is that instead of having Billy Bob in on the scam, perhaps Tom could be in on it with Edna. I think ending it that way would be better than using Billy Bob, because Billy Bob is a new character who sort of arrives out of the blue, whereas Tom has already been introduced. I also think having him and Edna in cahoots would be plausible especially if it was because they wanted Bernard out of the way, so they could be together.  

But apart from that one suggestion, (and that’s all it is, because I think it works fine as it is) I thought this was an enjoyable and interesting read. You nailed the genre and the line/theme was seamlessly worked into the story. Well done.    
Posted by: khaoz_theory, July 27th, 2008, 12:51pm; Reply: 3
Good stuff.

The story flowed really well from start to finish and the descriptions and dialogue were very good.

The way Bernard oppressed Edna really made me hate the guy so I was delighted when the power shifted at the end.

I thought the meeting place was a bit odd and out of the blue but it's all good.

As Chris Reid said, Billy Bob was an odd choice to be in on the scam because he hadn't been introduced yet so it is a bit of an anti-climax.

When Bernard is moving towards the figure in the shadows he says, ''Reba?'' But, unless I missed it, the name of the admirer hadn't been mentioned either by the charactors or in the letters.

I thought I had the ending sussed when it was revealed that he was going to meet up with his admirier in the graveyard but it didn't turn out how I thought it would, so the ending suprised and therefore went down well with me.


Posted by: Blakkwolfe, July 27th, 2008, 6:49pm; Reply: 4
Not bad, but not outstanding either. Both Edna and Bernard come off as pretty stereotypical, with Edna to an almost comic extreme...(Who really wears an apron anymore)...

Buxom of a woman? She's just buxom woman...

Use the description "A Bulge in his pants, uncomfortable, he adjusts his crotch"...twice. Once on page 5 and then again on page 9.  Might rewrite it as:

With an uncomfortable bulge in his pants, Bernard adjusts his crotch...

Tom Neitche...Why so formal? If he's a work buddie, he'd call him Bernie or the Bernster, something other than just Bernard.

Where did Billy Bob come in? I assume he was the shapely woman in the cemetary, or at least dressed up as one...Needs a proper capitolized character introduction.

The plot device of Edna all of a sudden wanting Bernard dead because he doesn't pay attention to her doesn't work for her character.  If she's a submissive, mousey woman, as she is, she would figure she deserves to have a shmoe like Bernard to have to take care of- she needs him, as a nurturer-

She all of a sudden changes her whole life to become a self realized Amazon in a matter of a few pages?

Nah. Now, had she tried with great effort to get him to show her more affection, or was asserting her self more in her home life,  then maybe this route would be more appropriate as she goes over the edge. but as it is they are completely different people...
Posted by: Takeshi (Guest), July 27th, 2008, 7:23pm; Reply: 5

Quoted from Grandma Bear
This one seemed like it was written by someone tipsy or drunk even, on the eve of the deadline.



Nah. The formatting and writing was too polished for that to be the case.



Posted by: Mr.Ripley, July 27th, 2008, 8:31pm; Reply: 6
The story was funny espeically at the end. But I think the quote could have been better used at the end when he sees the girl. You allowed Bernard to satisfy his goal too quickly, which I saw as him getting the other postal guys to know about the good looking girl. I think that could another driving force for him to go rather than pure pleasure.  

Gabe
Posted by: stebrown, July 28th, 2008, 11:31am; Reply: 7
I was enjoying this, right up to the end. I think you should really go back to this and change the ending. Who's Billy Bob? He came from nowhere and to be honest he wasn't needed at the end. Edna sent the letters and has a gun so why does he need to be there?

I think you developed the characters well and the story was good - I was just hoping for a better, more imaginative way to get Bernard back.

Ste
Posted by: ReaperCreeper, July 28th, 2008, 6:46pm; Reply: 8
Wow. This was excellently-written. Sharp and concise, buy visually evoking at the same time.

It was extremely predictable though. I seriously doubt there was a single reader here that thought Bernard was really getting laid.

Billy Bob didn't work at all. He shouldn't be there. Just change one of your existing characters' physical appeareance to that of Billy Bob (Tom maybe) and throw him in there. I mean, seriously, Billy Bob? Who the heck is Billy Bob?

And I must say, even though Bernard was an asshole--he did not deserve his fate, At all. If your goal was for me to hate him, you failed. I profoundly *disliked* him but nothing he did made me literally "hate" him. He was a verbally-abusing drunk and nothing more. If anything, his fate made me dislike both Edna and Bernard.

--Julio
Posted by: Souter Fell, July 28th, 2008, 7:45pm; Reply: 9
I gotta say it too: No Billy Bob. When he is mentioned, it's like pulling the emergency brake on the highway. You just go "where the hell did this guy come from?" You go back... no that other guy was Tom. It just screeches to a halt.

Up until the turn, which you might as well use as you title (Bernard Gets Tricked) because everyone sees it coming, it's really good. More comedic than dramatic but it fits enough. The line worked well.

Redo act 3 and i think you got something really good here.
Posted by: pwhitcroft, July 28th, 2008, 8:42pm; Reply: 10
I enjoyed reading this and it is structured well and works as a complete story. I agree with the other comments here about some of the draw backs.

I’d suggest Bernard needs to be more vain and a little less repulsive to make the thing less predictable.

I know this is me being stupid but when I read “Clear blue sky and trees explode in fiery colors.” I briefly thought the sky had exploded!
Posted by: bobtheballa (Guest), July 29th, 2008, 2:29pm; Reply: 11
As everyone else mentioned, saw the twist coming and Billy Bob should be changed to Tom.

Still it was a very enjoyable read, glad to see Bernard get what was coming to him, and it was a very smooth read also.

I wonder if you changed Billy Bob to Tom, and then had Tom be a little younger, if she could serve as a love interest to Edna. It'd be funny to see Bernard's demise come about because he thought he had a young admirer, when in actuality Edna was the one who had a young admirer, which caused her to carry out her plan.

Just a thought, as I said, enjoyable, if not predictable read.
Posted by: Zombie Sean, July 29th, 2008, 3:33pm; Reply: 12
So this was more of a comedy rather than a drama...dramedy, then...

Bernard is an asshole. And I was wondering what was really going on in Edna's mind about him. She did the right thing.

But I knew from the very beginning that when he started to read the letters, the woman wasn't going to be that pretty, and that it was either going to be some really ugly woman or a man...which I was very confused about when we saw Billy Bob (whoever that was, considering the fact that we were never introduced to him in the first place), because first you describe the lady as a really ugly woman, and then it turns out to be a man. If it's going to be a man in the first place, just say it's a man when we find out.

There were some grammar mistakes, plus missing words, and some words that were in the wrong place in the sentence, such as: "What? You reading fuckin' my mail now?" unless Bernard is too drunk to place his words in the right place.

Any way, it was funny and predictable...

Sean
Posted by: bert, July 29th, 2008, 3:43pm; Reply: 13

Quoted from Grandma Bear
This one seemed like it was written by someone tipsy or drunk even, on the eve of the deadline...


This sounds less like feedback and more like an admission of guilt to me....
Posted by: Takeshi (Guest), July 29th, 2008, 4:08pm; Reply: 14

Quoted from bert


This sounds less like feedback and more like an admission of guilt to me....


I think you could be on to something, Bert.

It struck me as being a fairly odd review.


Posted by: sniper, July 29th, 2008, 4:09pm; Reply: 15

Quoted from Takeshi
It struck me as being a fairly odd review.

It's Pia - what did you expect?

;)

Posted by: Sandra Elstree., July 29th, 2008, 5:59pm; Reply: 16

Hello Persian,

Spoiler Alert


Oh my goodness this was a beauty! I have to say I saw it coming, but it doesn't matter-- it was a good one.

It can still use a little bit of tightening here and there like in the beginning:

Tighten to something like:

The driver, BERNARD JONES, (55), reaches down for an "Ice House" beer. He's obese with long greasy grey hair.

I think that's all you need here to tell the story of Bernard. The rest comes through his dialogue.

When he was heading to meet "her" at the graveyard, that's when I knew that his wife was going do him in.

I think this is a well designed short that doesn't need too much to make it better.

Maybe you might try and conceal the fact that his wife might ever do such a thing. Maybe you could insert a conversation where his wife says to her friend, "Yeah, but I love him..." And maybe this attitude continues until one day something happens that pushes her right over the edge. Maybe instead of taking the dog to the vet, he shoots it instead and then...

Maybe, SHE FINDS AN ACTUAL LOVE LETTER AND DISCOVERS HE'S BEEN CHEATING. Maybe this is how she comes up with the plan. But all we see on screen is her hurt; not a scheming woman who plans to murder her husband.

So I guess what I'm saying is that maybe you could work the tension a little more. And also the believability with why she puts up with so much.

Good job!!!

Sandra
Posted by: Sandra Elstree., July 29th, 2008, 6:18pm; Reply: 17

I just finished reading some of the comments, (I always read them after I've done my critique) and I wanted to chime in to add the same thing about Billy Bob which I forgot to mention in my crit.

He did come out of nowhere, I had went back to re-read because I didn't remember him being introduced.

Like others have said, he doesn't need to be there. I think that she can be alone and that's good enough, without an accomplice.

I want to add that this is excellent work for someone writing on OWC's eve!!!! And tipsy to boot? If only we all could be so talented!

Again, good job here!

Sandra
Posted by: slap shot, July 30th, 2008, 12:16am; Reply: 18
this was the first submissiion that i read...luv the the concept and the way the story flowed on the page...my only concern is that, if being a first class a-hole is worthy of a death sentence, then there would be a significant drop in the male population... it would have worked better for me if, may be, he had raised his hand to her...something to indicate physical danger to his wife...just a thought...but overall this one was "top-shelf"
Posted by: CindyLKeller, July 30th, 2008, 8:31am; Reply: 19
SPOILERS



I thought Bernard was a real piece of     .
I also thought Edna was too sweet to him, too. I would have liked to see her change a little bit at a time other than hold it in and change all at once at the end. I think it would have added more drama in the story.

I thought a taser was too good for this guy, too. I think she should have tied him to a tree out in the middle of nowhere. I would have liked to seen him shouting and talking bad to the buzzards (the same way he did Edna) as they circle overhead. :-)
Evil, I know. :-) Guess you can tell when some stories hit home by the replies they get.

Good effort for the OWC ;-)

The smilies are winking. I typed them in by hand, thought they would just be smilies.
:-)

Cindy
Posted by: sniper, July 31st, 2008, 1:56am; Reply: 20
This was really good. But then you introduced Billy Bob and it just imploded from there. A very disapointing ending to an otherwise very promising start. I really like the writing in this script and the charactersation. Sure, Bernard was not a charming individual but he was kinda funny in a way. Maybe he was painted a little too evil?

Edna was a tragic figure that simply had had enough, but it was a bit abrubt and her acttion in the end was a bit out of character I felt. Maybe if the script had been a little longer, with a little more focus on Edna, then it might have worked better imo.

Rob
Posted by: Moroh, July 31st, 2008, 4:21am; Reply: 21
I didn't get to read this one until now but I noticed that everyone seemed to like it so I had high hopes.

I did like the story.  Very simple but entertaining little tale.  I do agree that a surprise ending was fairly obvious but still didn't detract from making it an enjoyable read.  

Unfortunately, however, I seem to have had a few more issues with it than most of you guys/gals.

Oddly, the Billy Bob thing didn't bother me all that much.  At least not to the point of stopping the story dead in its tracks.  I'll admit that, for a split second, it did make me think WTF? but I pieced it together pretty quickly.  I think a simple change to "He recognizes the ugly lady as BILLY BOB, his nephew, dressed in drag."  would have squashed the whole issue a little bit.

Much more distracting for me were quite a few cases of seemingly redundant or unnecessary descriptions.

At the very beginning, we are introduced to Bernard in his mail jeep, driving down the road, yet we keep being reminded that he is driving and on a dirt road after it has already been established.

Also, when Bernard is in his chair, it says "his eyes never leave the television report on the upcoming football games being broadcast over the weekend."  Think you could just lop off the "...being broadcast over the weekend".

When Tom shows up, it reads "A US Mail jeep, just like his, pulls up."  Then after Tom is introduced, it repeats, "He drives up, stops by the mailbox".

On the way to the cemetery, we get EXT.ROAD- Bernards Jeep drives down the road, then INT. JEEP - MOVING, then again, "Bernard drives down the road"

Okay, so maybe I'm nitpicking but, like the others, I enjoyed the story and felt that it was a good, quality work.  I just found some of these examples to be distraction that slowed my momentum as a reader.  Perhaps it's just me because no one else seemed to mention it.

Anyway, I'm well aware that the OWC is a quick challenge and does not allow much time for editing but just wanted to point out a few easy trimmings that could really tighten up the flow of the story.

Still, enjoyed your style and concept.  Good work.







  
Posted by: mcornetto (Guest), July 31st, 2008, 4:36am; Reply: 22
This was a fun read.  Nicely written, well within the dramatic scope.  I'm sure I and everyone else knows who wrote this but I think I know what provided a little bit of inspiration for it (and I'm going to insist that person read it).  

Anyway, this was excellent for 4 hours of work. You should be proud of yourself.

As far as issues with it.  Well I would have to say that it was, not entirely, but a bit on the predictable side.  There was never a doubt in my mind that Edna was involved in the letters.  If you do rewrite it I would suggest to downplay her nosiness.

    
Posted by: Blakkwolfe, July 31st, 2008, 4:24pm; Reply: 23
Too add to what makes this story so much fun is how much it nails men in general.

Bernard himself never stops to question the logic of this cute little twentysomething having the hots for him. Why wouldn't she? In his mind, he's still the blond Adonis that he was twenty years ago, getting hit on by cute female tourists while standing in the check out line.  

It's male vanity at it's very finest.  Would I be surprised if I were in Bernard's position?
I plead the fifth.
Posted by: Murphy (Guest), July 31st, 2008, 4:51pm; Reply: 24
This was a good read, the first OWC I have managed to read so far and a great start.

It was not a huge surprise at the end but it was set up well and kept its pace up right to the end delivering the pay-off perfectly I thought. The opening couple of pages I thought were excellent, I could clearly picture Bernard in his van, everything was described really well.

There was one line which I am not sure about, telling her that the taser was a Christmas present, just does not seem right - she knows it is a Christmas present why would he tell her? Probably would have been better for him to just say "I bought you that to keep you safe from weirdo's" or something. Small point though and of course in the grand scheme of things is not important.

Really good job and even more so if this was indeed written in a few hours, no doubt with a few glasses of wine.

Cheers
Posted by: BryMo, August 1st, 2008, 1:00pm; Reply: 25
I thought the beginning of this one was beautiful. It really flowed. And it had me mezmorized. Probably the only entry i've read that i loved.

My only problem though, if you can call it that, was that it went so left turn with the graveyard scene. The taser came out of nowhere and ZAP.

What i mrean is here's this flowing piece of literature. Then comes this scene that happens so fast and moves quickly with Bernard falling to his grave.

I personally think this would be more personal and less confusing if Billy Bob was cut out completely. We don't need him really. My two cents anyway. But other than that --

Good job !
Posted by: Sandra Elstree., August 7th, 2008, 1:08am; Reply: 26

Love Letters: A lovely little tale of creeping vengeance.

Moving my favorites up.

Sandra
Posted by: jayrex, August 7th, 2008, 6:45pm; Reply: 27
My favourite script so far.  An easy read and even though some people are putting holes into your script, I think it was a good script overall.

Takecare & and goodluck for the future.
Posted by: James McClung, August 9th, 2008, 12:40pm; Reply: 28
This was a decent read. I was prepared to hassle you about Edna being too passive to Bernard's abuse but the ending obviously explains that. I have to admit, I had a feeling something was up but I wasn't sure Edna was involved. The ending felt a little anti-climactic though. Just a little. All the pieces are there and technically Bernard does get what he deserves but I thought that it wasn't enough just to tasor him. This is a drama, I'm not saying you should have some cliche torture fest but having been tasored, Bernard could just as well get up and walk away later on. He should die (or at least be buried alive, we don't have enough of those stories around here ;)). I also thought the line "keep the change" was weird. Lose it.

All in all, I like. Good job, Pia.
Posted by: EBurke73, August 11th, 2008, 8:58pm; Reply: 29
I thought this script was okay, everything seemed kind of telegraphed.  I liked the beginning line where Edna is disappointed to see the case of beer in the truck, that one line spoke volumes about the relationship, the abusive behavior after is more of a confirmation.

As I said before, it's a little telegraphed, as soon as Edna made such a big deal about the letter, something obviously was up.  Not that I think Bernard should have figured it out.  In fact, it kept the characterization consistent that he wouldn't think anything of it and would figure that just because he wore a uniform, women would just plotz for him.

Where'd the taser come from?  Billy Bob may not have been seeded, but the taser was also out of nowhere.  I'm not sure where it could have been seeded, but something about Edna having protection even would have given us an opening, the old gun in the drawer in act one thing.
Posted by: Sandra Elstree., August 13th, 2008, 1:30am; Reply: 30

This one has that "sweet revenge" feeling.

Maybe some see it coming-- others do not, it doesn't really matter.
The premise is that the lady in the story has been pushed over the edge.

Regarding her apron, I still know women who wear aprons.
I had a good friend who used to wear an apron in the kitchen;
so don't worry. Ladies still do wear aprons in their kitchens.

Sandra
Posted by: Higgonaitor, August 15th, 2008, 6:22pm; Reply: 31
Sorry this is so late, I've just now gotten the time to sit down and read these.

A pretty solid script with an ending line that just scores.

My only suggestion would be to somehow find a way to make the "pretty girl" at the end someone we've already met.  It works right now, with it being Billy Bob, but it would really just tighten things up if it was someone we met earlier.

Great Job!

-Tyler
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