Sneak Peek by Chris Reid - (Scott Pine) - Short, Drama - Sneak Peek is about Pete, an express delivery postman, who can't believe his luck when an attractive woman invites him into her home. However, what seems like an opportunity to get a bit of slap and tickle quickly turns into a life and death situation, as Pete finds himself trapped in the middle of an underworld dispute. - pdf, format 8)

Well this is the first one for me, and I ain't gonna lie, I can't see this being one of my favourites.  The line was used well in the script and fit quite well and I liked the name "tits" for one of your characters, that was amusing.  I think the set up for the story is pretty neat, but the dialog seemed kinda forced to me, and when a character said "LOL" that brought it straight down.  Who the heck says "LOL".  The ending didn't really work for me as well, it seemed to easy.  The coin flip reminded me too much of No country for old men and also the Voice over I think didn't work at all.  All in all this did fit the challenge and I think it is a c0ol idea but for some reason it just didn't work for me as a whole.

This starts with a straight down the middle of the road mail man discovered shagging a housewife and at that point it feels unoriginal but it’s working. Later on it gets serious but loses its way as a story. It would be better to stick to a farce with tension because that is what is set up by the beginning.

Using the required dialog in a (V.O.) is slightly weak. Using (V.O) in these scenes generally seems like an escape from having to tell the story visually.

I liked it. Slightly predictable, but still enjoyed it.  I'm with Red. I appreciate the omerta and old school honor above the whole brass pipe thing...yikes...Expected to see more of the lonely housewife scenario in this challenge, but this was the first one...

Breezy, easy read, too. Clear, straightforward storyline...Good characters-Tits was almost comical in his description, but his plans for Rodge eliminated any further George Costanza comparisons...

Solid entry, in my opinion.

This was pretty good and I've got a feeling I know who wrote this ("Aye"? English and Northern - but the writing wasn't like other scripts I've read so not sure).

The problem I had with this is that 'Tits' (great name haha) seems to be the boss, but then doesn't act like it. If his cronies are refusing to do something wouldn't he just blow them away or at least threaten to. I didn't get that part with the coin.

The V.O didn't really work for me. Can't really explain why but I can't see that fitting on screen.

It was well written apart from a few chunky paragraphs and the dialogue was good. Fitted the challenge well.

Ste

The script holds together pretty well considering there's not much of a story here.  We've got an opening usually reserved for porn, but then, that's why the guys at the post office would never believe this.  The husband coming home just before anything happens, changing the channel to farce, though I do love me a good farce, but then, the guys at the post office would never believe that either.  Then the mob shows up looking for money, as our postal worker has a glock right by him, which, at the end he uses pretty darn well.  That explains a lot, at which point we end with a pretty ungrateful guy pulling a gun.  I dunno, I would think they'd believe people were ingrates at the post office.

All kidding aside, this one may not end up high on the list at the end, but I really liked how Pete doesn't act until he absolutely has to.  It seems so much more realistic to me that for him to get some sort of spirit of altruism considering he was about to shtup a man's wife not five minutes before.  As a moment, it shined through all of bits and pieces that readers have seen before on many occasions.

I thought the genre was supposed to drama, right? This ain't drama, this is comedy - well, not that it's all that funny though. This is definitely not one of my favourite OWC scripts, mainly because nothing really happens here.

The VOs did not work in my book. The classic mistake of telling and not showing.

Also, this could really use a good once over with respect to typos.

Strange script to pin down.  Never exactly sure the tone of the story.

Despite the obvious cliches that others have pointed out, I still found some potential in the idea.  Postman pulled into such an outrageous situation.

Also, actually thought it was pretty good how the one goon finally stands up against the brass pipe idea. When the thought was introduced, I was a bit freaked out by it myself.  Thought it was just tough talk but realized that TITS was actually hell bent on enforcing this torture.  So it was nice that someone in the story stepped up and echoed my thoughts.

Like I said, I thought the idea had some potential but, honestly, I really didn't enjoy the way it unfolded.  I don't know exactly what way you would go with it, but just felt that a little more creativity could have taken it from an okay effort to a cool little story.



  

I don't really have a reaction to this one. Aside from the "Lol" dialogue, which was kind of embarassing, there was nothing that I connected to.

I just didn't really get into this story, maybe because it felt more like it was going for shock value than telling an actual story. The sexual descriptions at the beginning, the descriptions of the torture, of the violence, the fact that the mailman saved the man's life and he still wants to kill him; I was just very indifferent to the whole thing.

Also, I think the line worked well the first time it was used, but I didn't like the way it was repeated later on. I would take it out or rephrase it somehow.

You named your character "Tits"....hmmm lol. I guess i can pass that becuase i once read a charcter by the name of BAHA. Seriously. I think it was in that movie NEVER BACK DOWN. Trash movie. Anyway, to each his own.

To your script.

Not my fav. i mean i was attracted to the idea of the postman being put in a situation where its total chaos and torture. But while chaose ensues i expected us to get to know the charcter more. What you did was go for a shock value and it meant nothing to me. Just sort of miss all the way down. Your descriptions are rushed. Nothing out of the normal for me. Everything was blande, and i think with a little more thought in description and dialogue this could be decent.

Good luck with everything,
Bryan.

This is my very last critique of the challenge.

The interesting part I found in this was Pete hidden underneath the bed.
Since the fate of Pete being there saved Rodger and Nadine, it didn't seem
like the ending was right with Pete being asked the question and he didn't
have an answer.

The barbaric addition to this didn't help this script.

There are some typos that should have been caught like:

>be pauses for a moment.

Who or what was Rodger talking to when he said:

Come on. Move. F#* ya.

Large blocks of text need to be worked.

I didn't mind the cliche of Nadine getting friendly with the Postman,
but I didn't feel like a real attempt was being made at delivering (LOL)
something with a bit of a twist.

I would suggest trying to write without the violence and see what you come
up with. When you write forced violence like what's in here, it often shows up
as the writer trying to compensate.

Sandra

There aren't enough characters named Tits in this world. Congrats for that.

You also maintained a tounge-in-cheek tone throughout this whole script.  Not an easy thing to do considering the subject matter so congrats for that too.

And you kept my interest (whether that says something about the script or me, don't know).

But I got to tell you, when the post man was invited in for sex and hid under the bed, I cringed.  That is an old and tired cliche.  If you rewrite change this.

I think the end was a bit over the top.  Without foreshadowing of the postmans ability with firearms it lack believability.  I thought this was one of the weakest parts of the script.

This is my favourite script of the lot.  The most entertaining short I've read.

At first I thought this was going to be about porn, then I thought Quentin Tarantino.

The name'TITS' was amusing and the barbwire idea sounded really painful.  Not sure if this is for real, but if it is, Ouch.  But if you've made it up, that was a great idea.

Takecare & all the best.

Thanks for the reviews, guys. Obviously this is a very rough first draft, which I finished on the day of the deadline. When I wrote it I knew I was throwing a few suspect ideas in, like the voice over instead of descriptions and the LOL. But as time was an issue I had to take a few short cuts and just go full steam ahead. However, now that I’ve received some helpful feedback from y’all, I’ll take a bit more time and care and make the second draft a hell of a lot better than the first.

Quoted from The boy who could fly …but the dialog seemed kinda forced to me, and when a character said "LOL" that brought it straight down.  Who the heck says "LOL".  The ending didn't really work for me as well, it seemed to easy.  The coin flip reminded me too much of No country for old men and also the Voice over I think didn't work at all.  All in all this did fit the challenge and I think it is a c0ol idea but for some reason it just didn't work for me as a whole.

Actually I was pressed for time, so the dialogue wasn't really forced at all. I pretty much went with the first or second thing that popped into my head. As for the LOL, my teenage daughter and her friends say that. I thought getting a gangster to say it was kind of humorous, but then again maybe not.  

You complained about the coin flip reminding you of No Country for Old Men. Yet it didn’t bother you in The Dark Knight. What’s with that?

I agree with you about the voice over though. That was basically a cheat to help me avoid writing detailed visual descriptions in an attempt to save time. I'll address that in my second draft.      

Quoted from pwhitcroft This starts with a straight down the middle of the road mail man discovered shagging a housewife and at that point it feels unoriginal but it’s working. Later on it gets serious but loses its way as a story. It would be better to stick to a farce with tension because that is what is set up by the beginning.

Yeah. The story seemed to want to go in that direction but I was trying to write a drama. Now that I'm free of the constraints of the challenge, I can let it go in any direction it wants.

Quoted from Grandma Bear It wasn't bad, but I have to be honest with you, I felt absolutely nothing for any of the characters. They were all unlikable IMHO. Anyway, like I said, it wasn't bad. I just couldn't get totally into it. Mostly because I didn't connect with any of the characters.

I agree, Pia. The characters need to be fleshed out more to give the reader something to connect to. Tits really is evil. So there needs to someone who is an equal force of virtue in the story to oppose him. Also, I'll introduce Tits and Red earlier in the next draft and have a bit more bi-play between them. I'll probably loose the Dutchy character and make Tits and Red partners like Jules and Vince in Pulp Fiction. I also think Nadine could be made in to a stronger character by putting up more resistance to Red and Tits.

Quoted from stebrown The problem I had with this is that 'Tits' (great name haha) seems to be the boss, but then doesn't act like it. If his cronies are refusing to do something wouldn't he just blow them away or at least threaten to. I didn't get that part with the coin.

You're right Ste. Initially I made out that Tits was the boss and then halfway through I thought it was too much of a cliché and I wanted the crooks to be on more of an even footing, so they could argue. Basically I changed direction in the middle of the story and as time was a factor, I wasn't able to go back and change the earlier dynamics. I'll lose Dutchy in the next draft and make Tits and Red partners like Jules and Vince in Pulp Fiction from the get go.    

Quoted from sniper This is definitely not one of my favourite OWC scripts, mainly because nothing really happens here. Also, this could really use a good once over with respect to typos.

Nothing happens? A guy gets invited into to a sexy woman's home for a shag, her husband walks in on them, he's sees a couple of gangsters ready to perform a gangland execution, he blows three people away and then ends up having a gun pointed at him by the guy he just saved. You must lead a very exciting life, Sniper, because that would be quite an eventful day for me.

You're right about the typos though. I actually finished this on the day of the deadline. I gave it a quick once over and it seemed fine. I submitted it and of course when I looked at it later on the typos stood out like dog's balls on a budgie.

Quoted from bobtheballa Also, I think the line worked well the first time it was used, but I didn't like the way it was repeated later on. I would take it out or rephrase it somehow.

You're right, Bob. I was unsure about that one when I threw it in. I'll take it out in the next draft.

Quoted from BryMo Your descriptions are rushed. Nothing out of the normal for me. Everything was blande, and i think with a little more thought in description and dialogue this could be decent.

The time factor definitely did cause me to rush and now with the challenge out of the way, I can put a bit more time and effort into the dialogue and descriptions.

Quoted from Sandra Elstree. Who or what was Rodger talking to when he said: Come on. Move. F#* ya. I would suggest trying to write without the violence and see what you come up with. When you write forced violence like what's in here, it often shows up as the writer trying to compensate.

Rodger was talking to Nadine. As far as he knew she was the only other person in the room.

You're right about the violence and the lack of story. I'll address that in the next draft.

Quoted from mcornetto You also maintained a tounge-in-cheek tone throughout this whole script.  Not an easy thing to do considering the subject matter so congrats for that too. But I got to tell you, when the post man was invited in for sex and hid under the bed, I cringed.  That is an old and tired cliche.  If you rewrite change this. I think the end was a bit over the top.  Without foreshadowing of the postman’s ability with firearms it lack believability.  I thought this was one of the weakest parts of the script.

I'm glad you got my tongue in-cheek-style. It seems like you're one of the few who did.

As the whole story turns on the postman being under the bed, I don't know how I could take that out without completly gutting the story, but I'll have a look at it.
Do you have any suggestions?

You're also not the first person to question the credibility of the postie being handy with the gun. I'll address that.

Quoted from jayrex This is my favourite script of the lot.  The most entertaining short I've read. At first I thought this was going to be about porn, then I thought Quentin Tarantino. The name'TITS' was amusing and the barbwire idea sounded really painful.  Not sure if this is for real, but if it is, Ouch.  But if you've made it up, that was a great idea.

Glad you liked it. Telling me that it was entertaining is probably the highest compliment I could receive. I also liked the comparison to Tarantino. His early stuff was a huge influence on me.

As for the barbed wire thing, somebody once told that that's what cowboys used to do to homosexuals in the old days. I don't know if it's true but the idea of it has always stuck with me and I'd always intended to work it into a story.  

Great short, Chris.  It was hilarious and brutal at the same time.  I liked that combo.  There is a couple things though.  Try not to write action in ( ).  And use O.S. instead of O.C.  But other than that, it was very entertaining.  Interesting name...Tits.    

Thanks for the feedback, Doug. I'm glad you enjoyed it. I'll get around to addressing the issues that have come up when I write the next draft.

Cheers.