Anytime Baby by George Drivakos - Short, Drama - A heroic grandmother with only a few months to live takes matters into her own hands to save her grandson's life. 30 pages - pdf, format 8)

Thank you Don for hosting my short script.
It was recently a finalist at Movie Script Contest.

I would appreciate any constructive criticism by anybody.

I am now re-writing a family metaphysical drama after I got extensive feedback from a consultant.

Good luck to everybody.
George

Hey George,

Just a friendly advise. This place runs on a quid pro quo basis. Read and comment on some scripts around here, preferably on scripts where the writer is an active board member. I'm sure the favour will be returned.

Anyways, welcome to the boards - enjoy your stay.


Rob

This is pretty good.

Some technical things:

Some of the format threw me off a bit. It doesn’t make sense to me to put yells or screams in parentheses and then write dialogue that’s punctuated with a period. If someone’s yelling, why not use an exclamation point? You use wrylies too often for my taste. Just a little.

They let each other’s hands - missing the word “go?” You could just say they release hands or something.

If two people are saying or singing the exact same lines you can use JEFF/BARB and put (sing in unison) for the wrylie. You don’t have to show the dialogue or lyrics twice. There’s nothing wrong with the way you have it. You just don’t have to have the words twice. The columned technique you use is usually used when two different actions occur at the same time, as with a split screen sequence, or a voice over sequence where narration occurs with a montage.

Singing is usually italicized.

When Barb says, “Where? When? Speak!,” the “speak” line doesn’t ring as very authentic. It sounds more like Batman than Granny, you know? Maybe, “Tell me!,” or something.

Why would a deputy ask a coroner why he’s at a scene where there’s a dead body? Wouldn’t a coroner’s presence there be expected?

Story wise:

I like the story. The stranger seemed a little cliché at first. But Barb refusing to go was a nice change.

Once past the beginning, the story was very engaging. I liked the Barb character. Jeff was a good character too, though not quite as developed. He suffered a little as a character compared to Barb and Cody. But he was a likeable guy. He really had to be to make Barb’s troubles worth it.

I liked the part where Cody smiled and walked out on the girl fight. That was novel. It showed Cody’s callousness while at the same time going counter to what the average person would expect, which is that he would stay and watch.

The abortion clinic scene was good too.

You did a good job of painting Barb’s character as a feisty little pick herself up and get things done sort of lady. You basically have a 29 page script that’s carried by a single character but I think Barb was up to the task.:) Cody was a good foil but Barb is basically the show here and I think it works pretty well because of her strong development.

I enjoyed it. Good job.


Breanne

Breanne

Thank you very much for the read and the comments.

I'll make sure to corerect the technical shortcomings.

As for the Deputy asking the Coroner what brings him to the scene of the fatality it's only a joke among them. They Deputies know the Coroner by his first name Buzz (for Buzzard) that shows up to pick the roadkill, Cody, so they're only messing with him.

Thanks again, good luck

George

Good use of Intercut for the phone convo. Format & style are generally good, except as noted below. I like the premise of Barb being determined to save her grandson before she shuffles off this mortal coil.

Got a lot more critical comments to follow, but it doesn't mean I think this is a horrible mess or anything - mostly just suggestions for making it stronger & leaner.

Don't give characters names if they aren't key to the story, like the doctor or nurse. DOCTOR or NURSE are fine. A name signals your audience they'd better remember this person, and they can only go around remembering so much at a time. Save names for the key players. Action text can use some tightening. Dialogue is a little choppy, sometimes natural, sometimes a little expository or stiff. Phone convos are death; try to get the actors together in the scene if at all possible. At least it's short. :)

Avoid overuse of transitions, like the FADE OUT after the phone convo. Leave something for the director; trying to direct via screenplay will just get your script canned. It's probably obvious time has passed since Jeff is now going to pick up Barb, if not, find some way to show it's later via description - a clock, tomorrow's paper on the porch, whatever. Cody's berating of Jeff is very on-the-nose, try for more subtext. Also Barb's exposition to the nurse. Indirection & subtext in dialogue are your friends.

You can tighten up the action text by trimming out small motions & actions. Leave just enough for the reader to have a sense of where everyone is, plus the crucial actions or reactions. I have this problem in my writing, too - trying to outline the entire scene just as I see it in my head, every turn of a head or cough or whatever. Doesn't work. The director & actors will do what they want anyway. So give just enough to convey the sense of the scene or the emotion, then let them do their jobs by 'filling in the blanks.' if you've done yours, they'll get it all right (and come up with stuff even better than what you'd have written anyway, because it's their entire job).

Not sure about the flashback with the deer  - flashbacks tend to be overused. But I'll stick with it to the end of the script to see if it becomes critical later on. :)

Urgh, more phone calls. Good job of keeping them short, though. Not sure on the abortion clinic flashback scene. Guess it does show Barb's determination and propensity toward violence, though. On the other hand, it makes her an extremely unlikeable character, threatening girls, breaking receptionist's arms and beating up doctors.

Definitely don't need all these transitions. Cut them. Can lose a lot of description of the accident scene - just enough to get the point across. The director & set designer & so forth will figure numbers & placement of police cars, extras, etc. Nice quip by the coroner, but Breanne is right, kiind of pointless for a deputy to ask why the coroner's at a fatality.  Also, in most jurisdictions they are medical examiners now (actually, it would be a deputy m.e.; medical examiners are administrators in all but the tiniest places).

Hope that helps! Thanks for putting it up for reads.

Patrick

Thank  you very much for the comments.

You're right about quite a few things. I'll make sure to change them.

George