My Fifteen Minutes by Anthony Hudson (alffy) - Short - Edward's big day has arrived, can he finally become famous? 4 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hi aiffy,

I liked this one, the tone of the piece was good and it was extremely well written. Did it really need the narration? I think the narration was done well and did suit the story but I wonder what it would be like without the narration? You told us about the rejection letters and then showed them later on, so maybe not need to tell us that. You told us that they had split up but maybe your action could have easily told us that too. it would be interesting to read it without any narration at all and have it as a silent piece.

I reviewed one of Ste's scripts the other day and was banging on about Narration then too and worried I am coming across a member of the narration police now. But i feel narration while it does have it's place sometimes makes us lazy in our writing, as if it is all too easy to go for narration and thus not have to work harder in getting the action right. I wrote something a little while ago for a Movie Poet competition that was narrated and most of the feedback I got was about the narration and I full understand now where it was coming from.

But apart from that it was good and a fitting ending too. It was probably a touch predictable, not the exact ending but I guessed it would not end well for him.

Nice effort and some nice writing.

Cheers

Interesting read, I like the idea of the man preparing for what he thought was his first acting gig, but instead culminating in a different way of gaining fame. I liked this one, but I think the ending could use some tightening. For instance, Edward mentions early on that he has recieved several rejection letters so there's no need to show them all at the end. At the beginning, he could set the latest letter down on a table (rather than crumpling it up and tossing it away as written) and then at the end we could go back to this letter and see that it's a rejection letter just like the rest. Along the same lines, since we already know his wife left him, I'm not sure the letter from her at the end is necessary. It doesn't really bring anything new to the story as opposed to if she took a harsher tone and said something like "your acting career will never amount to anything." That would be more likely to send him over the edge.

One last thing, I'm not sure about having the driver die as well. The fact that he took an innocent man's life makes him less sympathetic to the readers, unless that was what you were going for.

Anyway, just a few small spots that I think could use some improvement. Overall though I liked it and I think you'll have great luck making/getting this one made since it doesn't require any expensive effects, more than one actor (and a voice) or props.

Hey alffy,

I didn't like the first three pages. They felt long and too detailed and the VOs were not doing it for me. I knew something was coming up on that last page and I was really hoping it would be worth the time.

And it was.

I did not see that one coming at all. Nicely done, mate. I don't know why but I thought something funny would happen in the end. Imagine my surprise:) That last page put a totally different light on the first three pages and I felt completly sorry Edward. What a sad character.

Small nitpick: Edward mentions that it "takes planning". I not sure exactly what he had to "plan" by taking that step off the platform.

Anyway, good read.

Cheers
Rob

Good stuff Alffie, haven't read anything new from you for a while.

This was a sad tale. I don't know if the VO works that well, did you try it without? I think just music over the top of this would look good, no dialogue except for the end. Maybe have a TV on that's playing music? He leaves it on and then time passes when he leaves the house. Then there's a news bulletin saying what's happened. I think you can easily show the things he says.

You mix up tense in the first lines of dialogue mate.

This is my big chance,  my big day,
the one I’d been waiting for, for
as long as I can remember.

Should be '...I've been waiting for', yeah?

The emotion of the piece was spot on though and it was a good read.

I'll have a read of yoru other one later, as I've skived enough today haha.

Hey alffy,

Good four pager that packs an emotional punch.   And your writing is improving as well.  I'm impressed.

The only issue I had with this was the VOs.  There was just too much of it. I think you probably could have gotten away with making some of them actual dialogue, like

Funny how things work out.
Blimey, that’s tight too.
Looking good.

I think you probably get the idea.

Cheers,

Michael

Wow, thank got posted quick, thanks Don.

Quoted from GM I think the narration was done well and did suit the story but I wonder what it would be like without the narration?

Everyone seems to have thoughts about this.  I did think of having the narration as dialogue and even wrote that way first but found it made Edward come across as a real weirdo, just talking to himself...but then again his head obviously isn't in the best frame anyway.

Quoted from bobtheballa Edward mentions early on that he has recieved several rejection letters so there's no need to show them all at the end.

Yeah that's a good point, I may tweak this.

Thanks for the read GM

Quoted from bobtheballa One last thing, I'm not sure about having the driver die as well. The fact that he took an innocent man's life makes him less sympathetic to the readers, unless that was what you were going for.

I think you miss interpreted that bit, the driver didn't die.  The news readers concerns for him and his family are down to his mental state having just ran over Edward.  Did anyone else assume the driver died?

Quoted from bobtheballa Overall though I liked it and I think you'll have great luck making/getting this one made since it doesn't require any expensive effects, more than one actor (and a voice) or props.

Yeah, I wanted to write something that took place in either one or two locations.  Thanks for the read.

Quoted from Sniper I didn't like the first three pages. They felt long and too detailed and the VOs were not doing it for me. I knew something was coming up on that last page and I was really hoping it would be worth the time. And it was.

Thanks.

Quoted from Sniper Small nitpick: Edward mentions that it "takes planning". I not sure exactly what he had to "plan" by taking that step off the platform.

This was just show that Edward has thought about it and it wasn't just a spur of the moment thing, he wanted to do it at rush hour to get the most coverage in the news.

Thanks for the read, glad you enjoyed it.

Quoted from stebrown Maybe have a TV on that's playing music? He leaves it on and then time passes when he leaves the house. Then there's a news bulletin saying what's happened.

That's freaky!  This is exactely how I was gonna do it, but then I thought that maybe a man that's about to kill himslef wouldn't leave the tv on, or would he?

Quoted from stebrown You mix up tense in the first lines of dialogue mate.

Well spotted mate and thanks for the read.

Quoted from mcornetto Good four pager that packs an emotional punch.   And your writing is improving as well.  I'm impressed.

Thanks Michael.  Also, you may of noticed that most readers have commented on the V.O's so I might have to work on that lol.  You're right that I could have some as dialogue without making Edward sound strange talking to himself.

Thanks for the read.

Quoted from alffy I think you miss interpreted that bit, the driver didn't die.  The news readers concerns for him and his family are down to his mental state having just ran over Edward.  Did anyone else assume the driver died?

Ah, the way you made it sound, it seemed like the driver died when I read it. I would mention something about the driver still being "shaken up a bit" or something because the way you have it written now suggested to me that he suffered the same fate as Edward. Maybe wait to see what others have to say about it. Still liked it though!

Thanks for pointing it out, these are things that need to be mention as of course the writer will intend it to read one way but that's not always how it comes across.  I'll have to look at it, maybe make it more clear.

Hi Alffy,

I wanted to say I enjoyed this script where I felt for Edward.  Pretty sad.  The ending was totally not what I was expecting and threw me.

I agree with bobtheballa where we would return back to the letter at the beginning to read the tipping point, crumpled up or not.

All the best.


Javier

Thanks Javier, I was hoping the ending would come as a surprise and I guess it worked then.  I don't really write emotional scripts so I'm a bit out of my comfort zone here, which makes me more happy that you liked it.

Hi alffy,

I really liked this short little script.

You had me thinking he had his big break, and maybe his tight clothes were going to rip out in front of everyone.

Glad you didn't go that way with it. The ending was a complete surprise.

I agree with the others that some of the V.O. could be dialogue.

One location. One actor. It would be easy to film.
Good stuff. :-)

Cindy

A four page story. Three pages of tedium as a man gets ready to go somewhere. You can bet tragedy is about to strike. It seems rather obvious something bad is going to happen. It really had nowhere else to go but the general direction you took it, which was tragedy. Predictable isn’t always bad though.

The first three pages could easily be cut down. The final page - the payoff - needs a little work too. I appreciate your decision to tell the story without getting graphic about the ending but the letters - or snippets of letters - shown at the end get a little long. Are viewers expected to read Jennifer’s entire letter on film? Maybe just show crucial snippets of the letters.

I did know where it was going but it would work on film better than on paper, especially if the “getting ready” sequence was shorter.


Breanne

Thanks for the read Cindy, glad you liked it.  I'm gonna change the V.O's or at least some of them to dialogue.

Quoted from CindyLKeller One location. One actor. It would be easy to film.

Is anyone taking notice of this point...'easy to film'. lol

Breanne, sorry you found it predictable.  You're right about the letter though, I guess it isn't the best, having to read it.  I could use a V.O...oh no I'm meant to be cutting them out lol.  Anyway thanks for the read and your input.

Quoted from alffy Breanne, sorry you found it predictable.

Hey Alffy,

Almost everything is predictable to me though. As hard as it is to come up with something unpredictable for an average audience, it’s probably twice that difficult to come up with something unpredictable to another writer.

On film, this would not be nearly as predictable to the average viewer as it is in written form. For one, the “getting ready” sequences almost certainly wouldn’t last three minutes. Usually, when a story is serious and so much time is spent showing someone doing mundane things, it leads to tragedy.

Of course, predictability is a funny thing too. Something’s only predictable if the predictor turns out to be right. I could have just guessed right.

I don’t think it’s a bad script. I think it spends too much time on mundane things. That works as a disadvantage in two ways; one, it would be boring to watch someone get ready for some event for three minutes; and two, it makes people start thinking, hey I bet this guy’s gonna….

It would make all the difference in the world to shorten and tighten up the beginning.


Breanne

Quoted from Breanne I  don’t think it’s a bad script. I think it spends too much time on mundane things. That works as a disadvantage in two ways; one, it would be boring to watch someone get ready for some event for three minutes; and two, it makes people start thinking, hey I bet this guy’s gonna…. It would make all the difference in the world to shorten and tighten up the beginning.

Thanks for the advice.  I wanted a slow build so the ending came as a shock but I guess it was a little too slow.  I'll try and shorten this in a rewrite.

Alffy,

This was a nice little short. I think you could use work this without the V.O, not that i don't like it but it would make it even better, showing things through images.

Anyway i think that in the end you could have a TV airing the news or something with some people interviewed, then have some V.O from the letters and then switch back to the TV when the speaker says "This is all for the moment" or something like that.

I'm not sure about the letter from his girlfriend, because in the end it makes it difficult to decide why he killed himself, was more for the audition or for her.

Overall i really enjoyed it.

All the best

I'm neither here nor there on this one.

You succeeded in creating a very cheap  producer friendly short, but there is the problem.

Visually this is just someone doing mundane stuff in their home with a voice over and a ending you could see coming a mile away.

Rather dull to watch I feel and to be honest would not even challange or put to the test a filmaker's skill.  

Hey NiK thanks for checking this out, I'm sorry I must have missed your post.

Quoted from NiK Anyway i think that in the end you could have a TV airing the news or something with some people interviewed, then have some V.O from the letters and then switch back to the TV when the speaker says "This is all for the moment" or something like that.

I thought about doing something like this NiK but I wanted to write something in one location. Could rewrite it though as I think this would have a bigger impact on the viewer.

I didn't envision any confusion at the end, sorry you did lol. Anywho thanks for reading this and the positive comments. Glad you enjoyed it.

Hey Glenn, thanks for the read.

I know what you mean about this looking a bit dull with a guy just waqndering round his house. But I did go for the simple viewpoint, for a stronger impact I would need to change it. A good point though Glenn, thanks mate.

I guess I just compensated some of the drama for something that would be easily filmable.

Alffy,

another super short of yours. If you are into shorts (I am too) you might want to check out MoviePoet.com

Anyway, I just read Withdrawl before this one and I notice a lot of similarities. The absence of DAY or NIGHT in the scene headings for example. Unlike Withdrawl it didn't really matter here. I'm just pointing it out.

The description of the room was similar too. Bookshelves, clutter, tea...  ;D

I think his story is good too, but has one major flaw which brings it down IMO. This script is only 4 pages and you give away the "twist" at the top of page 4. That is 75% in to the story. That means the last page is pretty much non effective as far as the story goes. If you can find a way to reveal that twist until the very end, this would be another great one because I didn't see it coming.

Great job! :)

Btw, LOVE that mouse or rat in your pic!

Another read, thanks Pia

I've never put DAY or NIGHT on my INT slugs but I guess I should maybe start.  I know what you mean about the give away, I might go back to this and change it.  I wrote this simply because I'd never wrote anything that would be easy to film e.g. one location.

Quoted from Grandma Bear The description of the room was similar too. Bookshelves, clutter, tea...

Oh no, am I becoming predictable lol.

As for the rat pic, well that's one of my pet rats.  He's called Brian, and he is the biggest rat I've ever seen now.  He's one fat rat! lol.

Anthony

Funny, I have a script on the boards, "Rid Of Guilt" which features the same type plot. You took a different approach to it though which I liked. Interesting to see a fresh angle and how somebody else treats a similar story.

I knew the direction this was going in a page or two from the end, maybe thats cos I wrote something like it.

Strong ending with the voice over speaking during the different rejection letters and finally the girlfriend's letter appearing on screen, well thought out.

A fine piece, well handled voiceover, solid descriptive and above all, clever pacing and reveal. It unfolded nicely (in a tragic way, storywise)

Good job

Col.

Hey Col, thanks for checking this out.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 Funny, I have a script on the boards, "Rid Of Guilt" which features the same type plot. You took a different approach to it though which I liked. Interesting to see a fresh angle and how somebody else treats a similar story.

Really, I'll have a butchers at it.

As for the V.O.'s, I did think about having the Reporter speaking over a radio that Edward had left on before leaving the flat.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 A fine piece, well handled voiceover, solid descriptive and above all, clever pacing and reveal. It unfolded nicely

Thanks man, glad you liked it.

Anthony,

Short and to the point.  And well-written to boot.

I can't say I didn't know where it was heading, but that doesn't mean I didn't appreciate it.  I also liked how, in the end, they only refer to him only as "the man" in the news report.  Kind of bittersweet.  

Good work.

Thanks Dressel

Quoted from Dressel I also liked how, in the end, they only refer to him only as "the man" in the news report.  Kind of bittersweet.

Yeah that's something I wanted to include, just to show that, in the end, is was still unknown.

cheers for the read, glad you liked it.

Anthony,

I haven’t read the previous reviews, so forgive me if I sound redundant.
To be honest, I prefered that one to the Chocolatier I didn’t reviewed. The Chocolatier was fine, but I don’t think we should write this kind of shorts, regarding the budget. It was good, very well written, but I’d rather see it as a short novel than a short film.
About that one. I loved it. You got me in the end.
You’re definitely in trouble with the sluglines. You never indicate DAY or NIGHT, even if it’s obvious. And not only in this one.
I think you should justify your title. Andy Warhol’s isn’t it ?  Edward could say I’ll finally get my fifteen minutes of fame like everyone else
One thing bothered me however. The last page.
The reporter VO wouldn’t be obvious onscreen. Maybe Edward had left the radio or the TV on before he left ?
The letters should in VO too. I thought it could be a lot more rejection letters on the table (as if Edward wanted to explain his act) and, in the end, all the VO could be mixed as one with the same final negative line.
Jennifer should be read in VO too along with shots/inserts of Edward while/after his accident.
It could be more spectacular and effective (and cheaper – I always think about that d*rn budget) if Edward’d throw himself off a bridge as the train passes. Then, you could insert details seen earlier : a polish shoe, hit torn tie, etc…
Just my opinion.

Good job man!

Michel 8)

Hey Michel thanks for the read.

Quoted from michel You’re definitely in trouble with the sluglines. You never indicate DAY or NIGHT, even if it’s obvious.

Yeah I know, I never include them in EXT slugs but I am from now on as I've had so many people saying I should lol.

Quoted from michel The reporter VO wouldn’t be obvious onscreen. Maybe Edward had left the radio or the TV on before he left ?

I have thought of this too, the only thing I thought might be an issue is why would he exit but leave the radio on?

I wanted to write something that would be cheap to produce, one location and so on.  I know what you mean about 'The Chocolatier', the budget would be way too high for a short but I would like to extend it into a feature sometime....maybe lol.

Anywho thaks for the read and glad you enjoyed it.

A pretty quick read, well written, just the odd typo.

I think the best advice you've had is to cut down the VOs a bit. I'm sure he could say the odd thing without appearing a loon.

I don't think the ending was too obvious. I felt something bad was going to happen, but I didn't know what, I. I liked the misdirection of the tight trousers, maybe there could be another one or two of these.

Cheers for the read mate.

Quoted from rendevous I'm sure he could say the odd thing without appearing a loon.

Yeah, I talk to myself all the time and I'm not a loon...well no ones told me to my face anyway lol.

I'm glad the ending worked for you, and overall that you enjoyed it.

I'm glad I took the time (te-hee) to read this one Alffy. Remarkable job for such a short.

Nothing bad to say here just a couple of typos with

to right

too right

and

use possessives as in

mans

man's family

morning's events

Good on ya!

Sandra

Cheers Sandra

I always miss typo's, no matter how many times I check.

Glad you enjoyed it and that you have nothing negative to say lol.

Thanks again and if there's anything you want me to read, just say the word.

I read this and honestly, after the first page I found myself scanning. Watching someone eat toast, shuffling in his seat and sipping tea, is not something I find particularly entertaining. Maybe you could reconsider your scenes to show us what's happening instead of dry voice overs.
btw, who is he telling the story to?

The last scene wasn't much different from the previous one(s). You could've used that opportunity to show us what he does to achieve his "fifteen minute" goal instead of another voice over and crumpled letters.

I guess your theme here is that fame kills(or is it, some want fame more than anything else?).
Anyways, my suggestion is to make it active. Show  him at auditions being rejected, and show us either a live reporter on scene, or on tv. kill the V.Os.

Quoted from JamminGirl I guess your theme here is that fame kills(or is it, some want fame more than anything else?). Anyways, my suggestion is to make it active. Show  him at auditions being rejected, and show us either a live reporter on scene, or on tv. kill the V.Os.

Kill the VOs is a good mantra to have a lot of times I think, but in this case, it felt right when I was imagining it in my head.

It still actually feels very memorable to me and I take that as a good sign.  You asked the question "Who's he talking to?"

He's not really talking. It's the voice of his thoughts. That's the way I feel it coming through. He determined in his head that he was going to go out famous, even if it was through his dramatically planned suicide.

When we come back into the room, the TV was still on and we learn of what happened. Is that correct Alffy? Or am I reading the wrong thing into it at this point. That's how I remember it anyways. It felt very dramatic to me: re-entering the room and knowing he's dead. I really felt his "stuff", as being the remnants of his personality and soul, what and who he was. You know: like when a person dies, and their things, they are just things, but somehow you can feel the person through them. It might sound weird, but I felt that idea coming through here.

So, to enter the room without him, to see the letter, to hear the news - it was all very surreal at that point.

Sandra

But we're not to imagine it in our heads, Sandra, we're to watch it on a screen. For me, watching someone check his image in a mirror(especially after eating toast and sipping tea)is about as dramatic as watching paint dry. Unless, of course, poison was buttered on the toast etc. I guess I'm just not into watching the mundane...

I think being too mindful of budget makes for very dull scripts(although, even within those constraints I'm sure something else can be achieved).

Quoted from JamminGirl Watching someone eat toast, shuffling in his seat and sipping tea, is not something I find particularly entertaining.

I have to chime in. Sorry JamminGirl. Those scenes are here to show precisely the absurdity and banality of life. We can identify with Edward, feel what he feels. Everyone felt rejected once in his life, but life went on. And through that banality and absurdity, the end is far more shocking. I adhere completely to Alffy POV.

Michel 8)

Quoted from JamminGirl I read this and honestly, after the first page I found myself scanning. Watching someone eat toast, shuffling in his seat and sipping tea, is not something I find particularly entertaining. Maybe you could reconsider your scenes to show us what's happening instead of dry voice overs. btw, who is he telling the story to?

Thanks for the read and your thoughts but I think you missed the point.

Quoted from michel I have to chime in. Sorry JamminGirl. Those scenes are here to show precisely the absurdity and banality of life. We can identify with Edward, feel what he feels. Everyone felt rejected once in his life, but life went on.

This is the point I was intending to make.

I never intended to show him killing himself.  It's the fact he's struggling through life to achieve something never worked but also he never achieved this in death either.

As for the eating toast and getting ready, that's to show the routine of life, nothing changes and also to make you think that maybe he has a different agenda.

Quoted from Sandra When we come back into the room, the TV was still on and we learn of what happened. Is that correct Alffy?

I never showed the TV on but I have thought of adding this as it would probably look better as a news reporter than another V.O.

Quoted from Sandra So, to enter the room without him, to see the letter, to hear the news - it was all very surreal at that point.

Again this is what I was aiming for, thanks for picking up on it.

JamminGirl, I'm sorry you didn't enjoy it but your comments are always welcome.  Thanks for the read.  Also I always intended to keep this as a low budget piece.

Quoted from alffy Also I always intended to keep this as a low budget piece.

Low budgets are not always made for "very dull scripts".

Michel 8)

Quoted from alffy Thanks for the read and your thoughts but I think you missed the point. ... JamminGirl, I'm sorry you didn't enjoy it but your comments are always welcome.  Thanks for the read.  Also I always intended to keep this as a low budget piece.

Alffy, I don't want to belabor the point, just to give my assessment of the script. To me there was no drama/action, even after he 'offed' himself. All we saw were letters and heard voiceovers. Unless this is a reflexive piece within a much longer(and active) script, onscreen it will look 'blah'.
Funny, but I hadn't read the other comments within the thread until after I made my initial comment and I see that others before me have said things along a similar line. It's up to you to take it or tell us to go jump in the sea...

Quoted from JamminGirl Funny, but I hadn't read the other comments within the thread until after I made my initial comment and I see that others before me have said things along a similar line. It's up to you to take it or tell us to go jump in the sea...

I don't get what you mean here.  A few people have said that maybe I should cut back on the V.O's and have the final reporter maybe play through a radio or TV but I don't recall many commenting on the fact it was boring and had no action.  It's not meant to have action.

I don't want this to become a running comments battle Trelan, so perhaps we'll just agree to disagree.  I read over a few comments from your script 'After the Trade' and you disagreed with a lot of the comments there but you did stick to your guns so I'll stick to mine here lol.

Cheers again.

Hi Alffy,

I enjoyed this, I've read through other comments, and I can't really see how it would work without the voice over (unless he's leaving a message to someone on speaker phone maybe?).

A nice, fast little read. Great idea what somebody suggested about him leaving the television on, set to the news channel.

I'm going to have a look at some of your other work later.

Good job, buddy

Craig

Cheers for the feedback Craig.  

At some point I will get round to re-writing this and probably will include the TV idea.
I've also no intention of removing the V.O's.

Glad you enjoyed this.  Gimme a nod if you want me to check anything else out of yours.

Just watched this and it works out so well visually.  Left me almost in tears at the end.  Congrats on your work being filmed. :)

Thanks, Chris.  I was happy with the way it turned out.

The whole time I was saying to myself, he probably kills himself, and that is the way you decided to end it. So no surprise for me, but knowing what I knew before it happened, you still managed to have me hold on to every word. That's great writing.

Thanks, that's a great compliment.

Hi Alffy,

I really liked this story. I am sorry, but I disagree with Breanne. I didn't think it was predictable at all. IMO, the VO was a great idea. It would be weird if he was talking to himself throughout the scenes. I saw that the script was produced. Congrats.

Hey Hodan

Thanks for checking this out and I'm glad you enjoyed it.  This was produced last year and I think it came out pretty well.

Hey alffy, congrats on getting it produced! A bit late for feedback, I know, ha, but I'd say you could have used a bit more of misdirection in the first pages. I knew he was either kill himself or someone because of the narration. Maybe you could make his voice over more ambiguous? Like him mentioning his "big day" and putting on a tie, so maybe we think he's going to a job interview or what have you, and then bam comes the twist. Just a suggestion though. Cheers.

Thanks for the read and suggestion mate.  I really can't see me doing anything with this now as the production came out pretty well...so I'm happy lol.

Alffy,

Most comments should find an ignominious death. Read with care.

For me, this was a predictable piece which was not that interesting. A loser jumps in front of a train thinking he will somehow achieve fame like some high school kid. It won't happen, which is not shown

I didn't find the voice over particularly effective, little more than what's on screen. Necessary?  You might find this one better told from back to front. He jumps. Why?  Or you might try telling the story from the view of the person researching the death.

Best
Richard

Cheers for the read Richard and I appreciate your input but I really have no desire to make any changes to this as it was written a few years ago and has already been produced.  I like the idea of playing it backwards though.

A good read - All in all a nice effort. I would have liked it if Jennifer was the one driving the train.

Alffy,

Liked it.  The preparation and lead up to the end wove Edward's story well, but the end left me feeling a little flat. I half expected a line about becoming famous enough to meet the Queen (hence the dress up) and he ends it all by stepping in front of her limousine in full view of news cameras. Just stepping in front of the subway... er, underground was somewhat hohum.

Ian

Cheers for the read guys.

Hopefully I'll have something new posted soon.