House Eighteen by Stephen Brown - Short, Drama - Mary has asked her husband Brian a very simple question; the drink or her. What will he decide on and will he be able to stick to his word? 6 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey Ste,

Just finished reading it. Well, i enjoyed it, the Teddy Bear was creepy :) you had some minor horror elements. I mean, just the Teddy talking is enough hehe.

I like this, because every script of yours is different from the other. The formatting was horrible (kidding) :) .... your good writing makes it very easy to read in few minutes. Like it.

All the best.
Nik

Thanks Nik

Yeah the Teddy Bear is just there really for a link between the audience and what's going on on screen. Plus I wanted to keep the scenes quite subtle so having us watch what goes on through the expression of the bear came as an idea.

It's supposed to be quite dark because the ending suggests that he isn't going to keep his word.

Hey Ste,

Alcoholism is a touchy subject for me, as my step father was one. Anyway I liked this story and Nik was right, the talking teddy bear is freaky.  I didn't like this bit though,
The walls are decorated by photographs of Brian and what
looks to be his wife...
...yes, must be his wife, there’s a WEDDING PHOTOGRAPH too.

I don't think there's a need for it, just my opinion.  The story is tough enough and clearly Brian didn't learn his lesson, but at least he accepted he had a problem which is the hardest step.

Nice read though, good job.

Thanks Alffy

Yeah, I just tried something a bit different with that part. I didn't know whether it would work or not. It was mainly for the transition to the flashback of them coming into the house in their wedding outfits.

Alcoholism, and addiction in general, is a subject I'm interested in, not sure why. Maybe it's the fact that the person knows what they're doing is destroying everything around them but still carries on.

Cheers for checking it out.

Hi Ste,

Just read your script and must say.  Another good script.  I agree with Alffy's comment above.  I also think you should drop the ending and fade out after the line 'He is silent'.  Or just change the ending.  

How about having the Teddy Bear damaged in a way that resembles a broken man after drinking?  Or a black eye to show her suffering?

All the best.


Javier

Hey Ste,

Quoted from alffy I didn't like this bit though, The walls are decorated by photographs of Brian and what looks to be his wife... ...yes, must be his wife, there’s a WEDDING PHOTOGRAPH too.

I actually liked that bit. It read exactly as you'd see it on the screen. Plus, I like the idea of mixing up the descriptions. It adds colour to your writing. Your formatting, descriptions and dialogue were excellent. However, I didn't find the story all that riveting. The bear was interesting, but the rest of it kinda read like an infomercial, warning about the dangers of drinking. But on the other hand, it's hard to impress me with this subject matter, because I work in the drug and alcohol field.  For example, today I had one of my female clients complaining to me about how her boyfriend stabbed her in the face with a syringe in front of her seven year old daughter. Her daughter had to run over to their neighbours and ask them to call the police, and to top it off she’s still with the boyfriend.    

Javier

The beginning and the end are supposed to be bookends pretty much. Just to show that this is a normal street and a normal house. You never know what's going on behind closed doors. The teddy bear is supposed to represent us, just an impartial viewer of what's going on, or maybe a sympathetic eye. That's gone at the end of the script because we're leaving them, so that's why he's in the trash.
The beginning transition was an attempt at doing what David Lynch did with 'Blue Velvet', with the perfect street and then closing in on the grass then the soil. Then you see all the worms and bugs in the soil. Pleased you liked it anyways.

Chris

Crazy story mate, can understand what you mean then.

Pleased you liked that part of this. I'm trying different things, as you say, to add a bit of colour to my writing.

Thanks for checking it out.

Hmmm. I’m not sure what to say. The writing is good. As for the story, I have to agree with Chris. It came off as a bit of a public service warning.

It seems to wrap up tidily at the end but we all know alcohol addiction doesn’t usually end so tidily. I wonder how many times a drunk has poured out a bottle and exclaimed he’s conquered his habit. This basic story probably occurs with every drunk the first time he hits his wife. I would imagine the average abuser sees his first serious infraction as a catalyst for change but then I think that’s probably not enough for most. I’m no expert but I didn’t get the sense that Brian had experienced any genuine life changing event. In other words; the ending feels more like the middle than the end.

I also think Mary is too quick to get over her anger in the clock staring scene. Contrary to what many people think, flowers don’t instantly neutralize a woman’s anger. :) Maybe a little more arguing there.

I liked the teddy bear but not for the reason you gave. As I read - having not read your explanation of the teddy bear - I viewed him more as Brian’s conscience. And quite frankly, I like him better that way than as us the voyeurs. Although I think he’s fine as you already have him. Now if at the end the bear, rather than be silent, said something like, “And I’m really going to try this time,” then that would change the whole dynamic to something more in alignment with the sense I had while reading.

It’s fine the way you have it though, except that it comes off as a public service. There’s nothing wrong with a story with such a clear moral though. Nothing at all. And as I said, the writing is good. I liked it. It was just a little too neat and obvious for my general personal taste. But it was good.


Breanne

Thanks for your comments Breanne

I tried to make the end suggest that it isn't wrapped up and that this will probably keep on happening. The life changing event is supposed to be with Mary, in as much as she decides to stay. The scene in the kitchen is supposed to be midway between now and the marriage, so he's hit her many times. Looking back, it kinda comes across as that is what this decision is about. Should have made that clearer maybe. I think adding to the script is the only real way to do that, and that would probably make it a bit less public service warning.

I prefer your reason for the bear too -- in fact, that is what he's there for....honest.

Thanks again, appreciated.

Ste

I must say, this one did not do much for me. Don't get me wrong--your actual writing is solid on all technical levels; however, the story needs some polishing up. It was half-way metaphorical, half-way straight up--it never really took any shape.

The bear was also a weak spot for me (I'm iffy on it though). Firsly, because it ruined the realism of the situation--like I said, if you're going to include surreal or metaphorical elements in the script, make sure they fit in at least a little bit with the rest of your script.
Secondly, because its dialogue was practically un-sayable (that's not even a word, is it? lol) even for a character like that.

But what I DID like about the script was how you still managed to get your message across--about how no one can help you in this kind of situation unless you decide to help yourself first. I might be talking out of my ass, but I think the bear also reflects that somehow, at least metaphorically--it watches all the drama, perhaps wanting to help out....but it can't, because Brian had not accepted his problem yet. And it ends up in the trash--rejected--so to speak.

It is sad that Brian did not learn his lesson, but the fact that he admitted to having a problem in the end sort of gave me a dim glimmer of hope.

So even though I did not particularly enjoy the story, I could see that you knew what you wanted to do with it.

--Julio

Cheers Julio

I've been contacted by a student in a religous school about producing this script. He's wanting to take the bear and the language out of the script -- so will have to see what happens with that.

Your take on the bear is pretty much what I went for. We are the bear, so aslong as we are there she has a bit of hope. The affect is to have us wanting to help but obviously not being able to.

No comments on my Lynch attempt at the start? Maybe people are just being polite by not mentioning it haha.

Thanks for checking it out mate.

Very good. Bit weird with the bear, but hey, who doesn't like a bit of weird every now and then?!

I love the writing style. Just the way you... write!

Why did you have all the houses the same?

Also, for me the ending is a positive one.

By throwing out the teddy, it is symbolising throwing out old things. For example the old habit of drinking. Brian is moving on. Mary is accepting him. She is moving on. Out with the old, in with the new. Positive. (IMO obviously)

Hey Tommy, cheers for having a look at this and letting me know what you thought. Pleased you liked it.

I have all the houses the same to give the feeling that this is a normal house, in a normal street...you know, nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors, kind of feeling.

The end is supposed to be quite open for interpretation. It's all up in the air, you know? He's wanting to change and has made the decision but...as the logline says 'Will he be able to stick to his word?'.

I'm a fan of surrealism and bizzare visuals (Lynch, Kubrick etc) so that's probably where the talking bear came from.

Thanks again

Hmm, for me this story was pretty ordinary. I dunno, it must be hard in a short but your journey of man fall into acholism was pedestrian. Like you used a Alcholic problem 101 text book. Not gritty or bitter. Punch out wife is so over used it has no impact for me. it just the easy way out to portray something. you know like naked rape victim huddled in corner of shower. Lazy.    

But I must admit I liked how you used visuals and image to give your story a depth of layers.

the sun being engulfed by a cloud, Bear in a bin. These are striking images and could say anything on your subject. it's just up to the person to look for it.

The teddy bear narrator is a novel idea and a bold one.  I'd love to see how that would play out on film.

But as always your writing style is top notch.

OMG you're a Dvid Lynch fan too. If I could reach out and hug you I would.

And yes I did notice you going for the Blue Velvet open and closing shot with your suburb images. Am I right?    

Cheers Glenn, yeah the start was kind of a homage to Blue Velvet. "Heineken Schmeineken".

I hear what you're saying about the obvious route with how the alcoholism affects their relationship but I'd have thought that would be the most common real-life affect.

The bear was a last minute addition, but the idea made me laugh so I kept him in. The only person who's contacted me about making this is from a christian college and wants to take out the swearing and the talking bear (blashphomous?). So will have to see how that goes.

Ste

First of, I think the log line needs to be changed. You essentially give away Brian's decision with the line:  "What will he decide on and will he be able to stick to his word?". This is obviously telling us he chooses to go off the sauce, as staying on it wouldn't constitute "will he be able to stick to his word" (unless it was a bet among friends).

I know, a small thing & this is already in production so its immaterial me even mentioning it, just a suggestion. I think you should cut the log line after "What will he decide on?"

A very noticeably un-British beginning to it (which is fine) A picture of your average American suburban neighbourhood is the impression given.  

In relation an above comment, I too liked the part:

"The walls are decorated by photographs of Brian and what
looks to be his wife...
...yes, must be his wife, there’s a WEDDING PHOTOGRAPH too." -- it perfectly phrases how the viewer would see it revealed on screen.

This would have been just another piece depicting domestic strife only for the inclusion of the "creepy-all-knowing-bear-narrator. Whether it would work or not on screen is another thing but it definitely brings a different dynamic & angle to the telling of the story.

For this innovation alone I applaud you, its always great to see some experimentation & originality. And since its being produced it has paid off for you.

For future reference I would suggest you format flashback scenes like this:

"INT. HOUSE EIGHTEEN, KITCHEN - NIGHT (FLASHBACK)

It takes up less space & is perfectly acceptable.

The choice is have the SLAP off screen showing the happy photo instead is an interesting decision, a nice touch. But would it make for more visceral viewing to show it? Maybe have Mary fall just by the photo & focus in on that. A bit dramatic maybe, either way can work I suppose.

Again you have a good premise here although quite similar to "The Honeymoon Is Over" in some ways. The writing & execution is crisp & direct but overall I feel it suffers from the same affliction as "Coma" whereby its simply too short.

This one in particular feels undercooked…a little rushed. There is only one bad incident before redemption is sought (a presumably achieved). In my experience of knowing alco's or seeing them portrayed on screen; its more so a case of going all the way to the bottom, reaching the lowest of the low before one picks him/herself up again.

Brian stint with alcoholism appears very (thankfully) brief, it looks like things are gonna kick off (and dare I say become intriguing) when Bam! He is flushing perfectly good whiskey down the bloomin’ sink & acting like he’s completely reformed...bah. We want blood godamnit. ;D

Allowing yourself a greater page parameter to work in would facilitate this. But of course that in turn would make it less marketable.

A solid effort, although its probably my least favourite of your works...but hey you're getting it made so what do I know.

Let me know when it’s done, I'd love to see it

Best of luck

Col.

Hey Col. Thanks for checking this out. I've read the script you sent to me by the way, just gonna give it another read before sending you my thoughts. I do like it though.

Good point about the logline. The two things I am utterly crap at are titles and loglines. Really need to work on that aspect.

This has been made and the guy sent me the dvd. He did pretty well with it but unfortunately the talking bear is no more. He still has it in, and ends each scene with it, but for his course he decided against the narration. I'd have been interested too, to see how it worked on screen. The producer is entering it into competitions and is a little sensitive about having the film on t'internet until that's finished so will put a link up here when the comps finished.

As for the off screen slap; for some reason I do this with almost every script I write. I just feel it comes off worse when you only hear violence instead of seeing it. Then again, it might just be copying the 'ear-cutting' scene from 'Reservoir Dogs'.

Cheers

Ste

So somebody shot this one, eh?  I must have missed that.

I like this one...and I didn't.  Your writing is smooth and clear here, and I really thought we were building towards something.  I had to go back and read the comments to get much from your conclusion.  An understated ending is fine, I guess, but I was pretty underwhelmed.  I was hoping for more.

I can see why the guy dropped the lines for the bear.  If you ask me, the bear is only repeating what is already going through our minds.  The words you give the bear are not offering a fresh perspective -- so they are not really necessary.  Better to focus on the button eyes as they simply observe, drawing their own conclusions.

That, or maybe the guy just didn't have the budget and I am reading way too much into it.

It is a good piece, though.  I liked it right up until it ended, so I guess 95% is pretty good.  Hope to see it one day.

Quoted from bert So somebody shot this one, eh?  I must have missed that.

Yeah, he did a good job with it too, I think.

Quoted from bert I can see why the guy dropped the lines for the bear.  If you ask me, the bear is only repeating what is already going through our minds.

The reason he gave me was the school he is doing his film class at is religous and they wouldn't like the talking bear or the swearing in the script. Both were cut out. Although, he does do exactly what you suggest, by simply shifting the focus of the shot to the bear at the end of each scene.

Pleased you liked it Bert. I'll put a link up as soon as I get the go ahead.

Ste

P.S. The director sent me his shooting draft of the script. If it's of interest to anyone I could post it up on here.

Ya I thought of Resevoir Dogs & the sword cutting scene from Pulp Fiction when I read it. Tarentino always says he prefers heavy violence to be off screen although that kinda went out the window for Kill Bill...just a tad

I would be interested to see that shooting script. I've only read one before for Eternal Sunshine Of Spotless Mind.

I liked this script. I guess I had a different take on the bear from others here - it seemed to me to represent the marriage. It starts off new and clean, get's beat up along the way and ends up in the garbage. I'd love to see the film that was shot.

Congrats on getting this produced, nice job.

As a script I really liked this, the writing was completely solid throughout and I really liked the opening and ending and, as a massive Lynch fan, appreciated the Blue Velvet tones.

But I have to agree with those that felt it seemed like some sort of 'infomercial', especially with the bear. This only comes when we try and visualise the script though, as a story, as text, I think the bear becomes a lot stronger. I almost had this child-like image of it, like someone innocent caught up in it all that had seen the trouble from day one - and the ending with it in the bin I thought was extremely powerful. For me, the alcoholic had not only got his wife back but blinded the all-seeing eyes - he'd won.

I thought the alcohol problem of the main character is done very poorly and kind of self-indulgent. Even it's worse with the movie (the nonsmoking actors and the camera following the cigarette smoke). It just seems very contrived. Who really sits at a table with a bottle next to them contemplating crap? Hugging the bottle? I think its pretty cheesy.

The script is better than what was produced, even with the decision to use the ham-fisted Teddy Bear. The reader knows enough by the actions of the characters. We don't need to see it and be told it. It was a good decision to leave it out.

The wife is just incredibly dull and underwritten. Basically, she walks around crying the whole time, and then goes back to him.


I can't say I liked much of it (if anything).

I was looking for something of yours to read that I had not yet read and found this one.

I see that it's been produced already so my comments won't help much, but you never know. Sometimes scripts get multiple requests for production.

I like your writing so nothing to say there. The story is good too, but could be made a little better IMHO. I think the problem I had was that I pretty much knew where this was heading as soon as I saw the focus on the bottle of booze and the wedding picture and Brian crying. The only thing different than from what I thought was that she left him. Me being a little bit on the darker side, I thought he had killed her in some way...

Other than that little complaint I thought you did well showing us an idyllic suburbia with everyone seemingly happy and content, but behind closed doors there sometimes something entirely different going on.

Good Job on this and wish I could see the film.  :)

I forgot... loved the teddy bear!

Cheers Pia

At the time it wasn't really supposed to be like a traditional story with twists and turns and that. Just, as you say, showing that behind closed doors bad stuff can happen. If I was to rewrite it now I'd probably try to have at least one twist in it to improve the ending.

Here's the film by the way.

Ste,

Out of interest, how did you feel that this story became very 'American'? The read is very 'downtrodden, working class, England' to me, so did it fit with your own vision?

Andrew

Hi Ste,

surprisingly I prefered the script to the films. A very poignant script, one of the best I read so far. The director, IMO, didn't succeed catching the essence of your script. The film is elegant, but maybe too much elegant regarding the subject. It looks like "moving stills" if you see what I mean. I couldn't feel Brian's despair. Mary was blank. (anyway, it was a flaw in your script too) I don't why it took the teddy bear for the use he made of it. In the film, it was useless.

Before I knew it was produced, I had that comment about the script about the Teddy Bear. "Maybe TB was a wedding present. Mary put it in the bedroom. Brian noticed it and Mary could reply she likes it there. She'd like his voyeur's side. It'd give Mary some stronger character. Here she keepos giggling all alon,g from the beginning".

Anyway, congrats on getting it produced.

Michel 8)

Andrew

I don't really see the main difference being American/British. It's more really the class thing that you touched on there. In the film they seem very middle-class as appose to the working-class couple in the script. I would have preferred the couple to have been more downtrodden but there we go.

Michel

Pleased you liked it. The guy who filmed this told me at an early stage that he was losing the narration from the bear so I thought he was losing it all together. I think there are a few nice shots that he creates with the bear but overall, I agree that it doesn't really do too much.

Thanks for checking it out both of you.

Ste

I'm writing this before I see the film. Personally I feel it's a good piece on a touchy subject. I liked the bear, it brought an unusual aspect to it. Before it I thought it was going to be more like Nil By Mouth. The writing's good. Mary didn't seem to do much, I felt for her when things got rough but, I'd have felt a lot more if I'd known her a little better.

I see you're from Blyth. Strange then you write 'curb' and 'trash'. The setting seems US too to me. Certainly from the opening scene. I think. I missed the Lynch reference, I was probably confused. Again.

Anyways I watched the film. For a while there I though I was was watching the wrong one. Non smokers blowing clouds in the air in the middle of nowhere. Bear's still there but silent. I recognised a few lines from the script but not a whole lot else. Shame.

The script I felt was a lot better than the film. IMH if the bear and the wife had a bit more time it would have benefitted.