Jack's Last Time by Jorge Alarcon-Swaby - Short - Is the story of a hit man who at a bus stop is being informed about a crime printed in the days newspaper, wich is the same crime he committed the day before. 7 pages - pdf, format 8)

I found this short to be too direct and straight forward.  The dialogue was on-the-nose and artificial.  You told us what we needed to know right away.  His motives, and the story, read like the directions on a can of soup.

Jack was very unbelievable as a character.  For a hitman, he talked way too much which makes him very careless.  

Read some scripts here to see how dialogue is written.  People don't talk the way they write.  It's less grammatically correct.


Phil

So many things were wrong with this script... it got to the stage where I couldn't even finish it. And for a short, that is a first.

Firstly, as Doggle said, the dialogue was pretty damn atrocious. It was so bad, that at times I cringed. Not everyone has a natural talent for writing great dialogue... but I suggest you study the work of some writers who are gifted in this area (Kevin Smith, Tarantino etc.). The dialogue was extremely on the nose, like Doggle once again said. Don't have Jack tell us stuff you can show visually...

Then, there were things in the story-line which just seemed unrealistic. Jack offering a random guy some rum? I have never, ever encountered anyone offering someone random some alcohol, especially in the AM. Then, I found the scene where Jack killed the "Victim" extremely unrealistic. An experienced hit-man is unlikely to kill someone in such a public area, where there could be multiple witnesses. A gun-shot in a street will cause unwanted attention. And Jack is there to kill the guy, not to have a friendly, and unrealistic conversation with him.

And now, the general writing of the script was bad. Very bad descriptions of both place, and character. Formatting was bad (incorrect formating for introduction of characters). And finally, do you know how to write English? All sentences start with capital letters, and end with some kind of punctuation. 80% of your sentences didn't.

You need to improve a lot of things in this script... read a lot of scripts, maybe read a book about scriptwriting, then come back and make corrections.

Toby.

Hey Jorge,

Aside from what the others are saying.  This is better than the previous script I read.  I suppose what everybody is getting at is that a hitman operates with an Out of Sight, Out of Mind policy.

And if you think of Leon/The Professional as a guide.  My favourite hitman film.  Then you have something to aim for and better.

All the best.


Javier

Thanks alot for the critizim and the advice, This the second script I ever wrote so I expected this because i have never taken any classes or anything, I will take what you said and really try to improve on my next one.

Thanks

It's all been said.

With some more fine tuning, this could be a nice short story. Try not to reveal everything too soon.

Quoted from Jorge Alarcon Swaby i have never taken any classes or anything, I will take what you said and really try to improve on my next one. Thanks

Hey Jorge,

I've never taken any classes too.  I've been learning my craft by listening to my peers and by trying to read other peoples scripts.  This site is great for that so I recommend reading loads of scripts.

All the best.


Javier

Hey Jorge,

Just read your short, and so here are my notes.

First, I'll open with the obvious, DON'T break the 3rd wall between us and narration, don't open with "The scene opens up with," that's unnecessary.

Also, don't say SCREEN READS:  You can say TEXT or SUPER, either or, that's minor though.

Now, your description introducing Jack reads:

There is a young guy around 26 years old pointing a gun at someone
who is behind a dumpster, only his legs can as he is begging for his
life, the guy holding the gun is Jack.

Way too wordy, you can cut that clean in half by sticking with the basics of scene description:

A young man, JACK, (26) points a gun at a man behind a dumpster, only
his legs appear as he begs for his life.

See?  Much less wordy, and much much more pleasing to the eyes.

Also, if Jack is visible, what I don't get is how only his legs are visible, but that's just me.

Next, Jack's a hitman, nice or not, they never say, it's just a job, in such a kind way like Jack did, that just appears very unrealistic.  More importantly, this dialog here, is beyond way too long.

JACK
Ah, that’s what everyone says when
someone like me is pointing a gun at
them, im Sorry Im Sorry, but the aren’t
really sorry, Its just a gun makes people
say sorry, but not feel sorry, that’s
something you have to feel Bob, not
state, cause I know you don’t feel sorry
for me, but I do feel sorry for you cause
I do a pretty good job at what I do… and
brother you have something coming.

That's what they all say, has been said over and over, I think a little more of originality could help out a bit more, frankly a bit less wordy originality.

Remember, in dialog, always always keep it a 4 to 8 line maximum,

PG. 2

JACK
Let me guess… and once in the chest.
GUY
that’s right, how you know that
JACK
I said I was guessing didn’t I

I said I was guessing, doesn't sound like a response that rolls well you know?

Your dialog runs way too long in a lot of scenes, and it's rather blatant and bland, you need to add a bit more originality to a lot of Jack's lines.  You need to give each of your characters a different voice, it may just be me, but I feel that your characters generally have the same type of voice, apart from straight forwardness, it seems they all tend to have the same run on how they speak, and what they say.

There are a number of grammatical errors, both spelling and word misplacing.  My suggestion, proof read your script over and over until you catch these sort of things.  I understand a couple, but I found a very very large number in each page.  Apart from the not capitalizing on any of the words, which is something you should do.  Above all else, it's very hard to sometimes follow what is going on at all during the story.  The dialog is everywhere, and makes it impossible to follow the story.

Now, Jack himself, I have never seen a hitman like Jack, "I don't give a s*** who I kill, as long as I get the dough," then he goes off on about how his son is all that matters to him.  I can get that, he's doing this for his son, but the way he goes about this, it's just illogical.  

The ending, I need it explained.  He gets the money and gets away?  If I'm incorrect please let me know, but it's sort of hard for me to figure, but if that is the ending, it seems rather...dry I would say.

Remember, the most important thing in any script is conflict, you need conflict in every scene, and when the ending is so anti climatic, without any real conflict being exhibited, than it's doesn't make for a pleasant read, you know?

My suggestion, try and implement some form of conflict and more climax to your end.

Best of luck on your next rewrite.

Big K I really appriciate all your help and advice, I will take it all in and try to improve on it as much as I can, I really appriciate your help,

Thanks brother.