Moods by Michael - Short, Drama - A young boy deals with having a mentally unstable mother. 6 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hi Michael,

I thought I'd give you a review as this board is looking kinda empty.

Well,

your story has a story with no ending, odd descriptions.  Some pointers for the director, some spelling errors, missing words, and 'no' was used instead of 'know'.

You may want to include Dr. Coolton's dialogue.

You use !?!, this is wrong.  You used SIGN!!!.  Am I an ass?!, Michael signs!

You don't need to number the scenes.  And you don't need to refer to previous scenes for that seating position you once described.

You need to rewrite this, and change the ending.  You probably need to end with Mandy snapping at James then regretting her outburst.  And then have James speak with the Doctor or something.

Did you research Bipolar?  A quick search shows there is a Bipolar Spectrum.

Give Mandy this as her character flaw:

Extreme manic episodes which can sometimes lead to psychotic symptoms such as delusions and hallucinations.

Now we have a story.

All the best.


Javier

This script really has no flow to it.  You write one quick scene and then write another and then another.  Each scene relates to the story, but not to each other.

The story is a good one; it just needs to be written better.  You need to show how James is really affected by his mother's condition, besides arguing about hamburgers.


Phil

Hey Michael

Jayrex made some good pointers for you. You need to re-formet this script so it reads more fluid.

As far as Bipolar dissorder goes, you state that James is 13 and yet he obviously knows about Bipolar as he searches for it, I've never heard of it and I'm 30. He obviously knows he mothers an alcoholic so it would seem this is the obvious thing to search for, alcolicism. This too causes mood swings, you do have the right drink though. Vodka is the alcoholics choice as it doesn't give you a alcoholic breath.

Phil says this is a good story and he's right but he's also right that it needs to be put down better. Your characters are not interesting enough at the moment. More is needed to make us care more for your characters.

Quoted from alffy As far as Bipolar dissorder goes, you state that James is 13 and yet he obviously knows about Bipolar as he searches for it, I've never heard of it and I'm 30.

May I suggest that James uses a healthcare website where he inputs his mothers symptoms to try and find out what her possible condition is.

He may not discover what it is, but a doctor should.

Quoted from jayrex May I suggest that James uses a healthcare website where he inputs his mothers symptoms to try and find out what her possible condition is. He may not discover what it is, but a doctor should.

That's a really good bit of advice, kinda the point I was making but you hit the nail on the head there.