The New Boy by Tom Pascal (tommyp) - Short - A new guy on the jobs gets the wrong idea when being seduced by three intimidating young ladies. 7 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey guys! This is my first script, containing my weird humour.
Hope you like it. And please give me honest feedback... the more I can improve the better. Thanks! :)

Hi Tommy,

I thought I review your script as you have given the courtesy to review others.

I've made some notes:

Pg 1 - Capitalize the names of characters.

The woman at the photocopier, was Jay lying on the ground trying to look up her skirt?

Ohhhh - I wouldn't drag a word beyond a third letter.  Some people don't even like to see this in a script.

Try flashback instead of flash.

Ties on page five.  Do you mean cable-ties?  The police use them and electricians.

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This sounded like a horny teenager wrote this with a horny teenager as Jay.  I work in an office and if only that happened to me.

This story sounds very far fetched to the imagination.

If you want to play games, why not try twister.  I did with a few bi-girls at uni.  Was great fun.  Twister can always bring out the naughty side to everyone.

I'd say quite the guessing and get on with the action.

The premise is okay, it just needs to be re-jigged.

All the best.


Javier

Thanks Javier, for the technical ideas.

And yes, I know it is far fetched, but just popped into my mind a while ago, so I thought I would write it down.

My next script I will keep all that in mind.

Thanks again for taking the time :)

Tom

I reckon if Jenna Jameson  and Mcornetto had a fling, their love child would write a script just like this one.

This was just. . . well . . . silly.  But kind of sexy silly and . . . um . . yeah.

All I've got to add is totally agree with Jayrex above. Dump the Crochet and have the ladies at the end bring out the twister mat. Make Jay look like a total goose when his imagination runs wild on everything but the one thing that is the most obvious and sexylicious.

Plus while I read this, it reminded me of famous Greek mythology when the Sphinx monster ask the hero a set of riddle and if he get it wrong she eat him. Don't know why

Thanks for the read. It is silly. Just thought I should chuck my thoughts in a script.

It looks good in my head!! haha.

The twister is a great idea.... I might change everything around a bit, keeping the main idea though...

I haven't heard of that mythology story...

There WILL be more scripts from me, and they WILL be better (relying on the power of positive thinking here!!)

This reminded of the show Scrubs with all of mental pictures in Jay's head.  It was cute, but it started wearing thin after a certain point and started dragging.  It was well written, though.

You may want to fix your title page and not rely on Final Draft's blank page.


Phil

Well written :) You just made my day! Thanks.

Will fix the title page in future...