Coma by Stephen Brown (stebrown) - Short, Sci Fi - The struggle to hold on to someone we have lost is a strong emotion... sometimes too strong an emotion to let go. 5 pages  MoviePoet August Competition 2nd place - pdf, format 8)

This was a sad, but sweet, story, Stephen. I really liked it. At first I didn't know what was going on, but then I figured it was like The Matrix, except they didn't have the money to do it. There's really nothing for me to say except that this was very good and I can see why it made second place.

Sean

Cheers Sean, pleased you liked it.

Went for a kinda bittersweet feel.

Hi Ste,

I haven't read the other stories, but I felt this was a good story.  Well told and kept my interest throughout.

Happy you got placed.  Another good read.

All the best.


Javier

Hey Ste, thanks but you've really depressed me now. That's a compliment by the way, I thought this was really good and very moving. Good stuff.

Cheers Javier/Alffy, pleased you both liked it.

I just watched 'Nil By Mouth' again last night. Forgot how depressing that film is lol so you have no sympathy from me Alffy.

Very interesting read Ste.  Congrats on the 2nd place finish with this.

I'm not really sure what to take from this or what I'm supposed to feel.  Although there is sadness here, like all have said already, I don't really get the feeling that's what you were going for completely.  I actually see some happiness, or hope here but maybe I'm reading too much into a 5 page script.

Anyway, quite unique and well done.

Nice job!

Cheers for the read Jeff

Yeah the end is supposed to be a bit of a mixed bag. They're both dead but they are together. The premise is that heaven/hell or whatever isn't a place we go to but is just whatever we think it is.

On a sidenote, not that I'm saying the whole coma thing is completely original, but sat down watching 'Fringe' the other day. First episode of a new series by the writers of Lost. What happens about half way through but the main character is given drugs n stuff to be able to talk to someone in a coma. haha, just made me laugh.

Pleased you liked it mate.

Hey Ste,

I've read this at MP. I really enjoyed, one of your bests so far.

You're becoming a writing machine... ;)

Cheers Nik, pleased you liked it.

Stephen,

I was sitting here waiting for the Presidential debate so I thought I'll read something quick. This one did not come up for me at MP last month. If it had, I would have given it a Very Good!!

You have improved a lot. I like that. It's always a pleasure to see someone take feedback and use it to better themselves.

I have nothing to offer you in regard to this one, but that's  pretty common.... the better something is, the harder it is to find faults. I thought this one offered more sci-fi than most others that month at MP so good on you for that. It was also a nice romantic tale. In a way not too different than Mr. Z's...

Big Congrats on your 2nd place showing!  :-)

Thanks Pia

Yeah, I try to take all the comments on board. Still a lot of things to improve on though.

Quoted from Grandma Bear In a way not too different than Mr. Z's...

Hey, hey cheers for the compliment haha.

Pleased you enjoyed it.

Ste

First off congratulations on the second place in MP. I didn't read any of the other entrants that month but on the basis of  this I take it first place was something special. This is very strong work you got here.

I loved the inroductory prose & the first page in general. Your choice of adjectives fit perfectly with the serene, dream-like surroundings.

No real complaints about it, its an exceptional piece for a five pager. An interesting concept with the right pitch of of feeling & emotion to grab the viewer whilst not coming over as cheesy or over sentimental.

I liked the reflective exchange before Simon attaches the timer to the computer. It could easily have come off a tad mawkish but you handled it with adequate restraint & subtlety. I really felt for Simon more then some feature length protagonists I've encountered.

Like any decent five pager there is so much room for expansion & further development, this is no exception.

I think you could weave an interesting back story around this as to how Jo got to be in a coma. Then chronicling Simon's discovery of this kind of technology,a sort of personal mission he takes on which gradually consumes his life. when the plug is pulled (apologies for the pun) when he's so close to achieving his goal, he can't accept it & takes the ultimate action, as documented here.

A sorta' futuristic Lorenzo's oil with sunny beaches & fade to whites :) Not the most feel good story in the world but has the makings of a powerful drama (if handled correctly of course)

Great job again, mate

Col.

another good story with a great sci-fi premise.

Your last few scripts you have been playing around with harded boiled Noir, but I feel it is when you write about human suffering and domestic misery is when you are at your peek performance.

Those kind of the stories from you i have enjoyed the most.  

Cheers again Col.

Mr Z took first place that month with his script. You should check it out, tis a goodun.

This is a script I am planning an extension too. Kinda just sketching out a treatment at the moment and trying to get some sub-plots to give it a bit more weight. Hopefully will get to the writing part sooner or later.

Ste

Quoted from tonkatough Your last few scripts you have been playing around with harded boiled Noir, but I feel it is when you write about human suffering and domestic misery is when you are at your peek performance.

I'm English mate, that's what we do best haha.

I'm leaving the Noir for now. Was just something I fancied having a go at, but I think drama is probably where I'm most confortable.

Hi Ste,


I really really liked this one. A really intriguing, emotional story extremely well told.

You got a lot done in so few pages, and to be honest, I don't think it needs anything more adding to it- it's pretty much a perfect little short. I can see why it placed so highly in the competition.

I like your work, and will check out some more soon.

Craig

Thanks Craig, pleased you enjoyed it. This was supposed to be getting made but it fell down in post-production. In the process of re-shooting but I'm not holding my breath.

Take it easy.

Ste

Hi Ste,

Just read this one and thought it was really good.  Very bitter-sweet.  Not much to add here, just wanted to let you know I enjoyed it.

Thanks,
Craig

Hey Ste.

It's been awhile since I've read something of yours.  This story was very well written technically.  The story itself, however, I think is missing something and it needs fleshed out a lot more for us to really care about any of the characters.  It just seemed like you stuffed the story into six pages and didn't want to work on it anymore.  But, now, that I've read others' comments, I saw that this was for one of the moviepoet competitions, so you did have to stuff it all into six pages.  So, for having to cram it into six pages, you did very good.

At first, I thought the idea of the story sounded really good (which it is) and I thought it was really original.  But then I thought about it more and more and realized that it was the exact idea from 'The Cell', with Jay-Lo, Vince Vaughn and Vincent D'onofrio.  It that movie, Jennifer Lopez (the only good movie she's ever been in as far as I'm concerned) plays a psychologist who uses the same exact method as in your story (wires and all) to communicate with her comatose patients.  The patient even got to choose the most comfortable location of their choice, as in your story.  I don't know if you meant this to be like a prequel to 'The Cell' or anything, but it just had way too many similarities for me.

But, as I said, the writing and technical format aspects were spot on, so you definately did a good job on that.  I got to go check out SWAT now.  :-)

- Mark

Thanks for the read, Mark.

Yeah I agree with you about this needing to be fleshed out. I've tried a few times to extend this and have even started a treatment for a feature based on the characters and the premise of this but it's never really took off the way I wanted it to.

It's been a while since I've seen 'The Cell' so my memory is a little wobbly about what goes on. It does seem quite similar though. I'm not sure if it's so much of a problem though that the device is the same as in another movie. How many time machine movies have we had, for instance? This is more about the relationship between the main characters than the science-fiction aspect.

Thanks again for taking a look.

Ste

Hey Steven,

I think I've read it before, maybe on MP, but never left a message.

It was pretty well done. And unusual mix of sci-fi and romance. But it works.
So I don't think I have anything to suggest.

Good work.


Herman

Thanks Herman, pleased you enjoyed it.

Ste