Damaged by Lindell Gross - Short, Drama - After a terrible car accident leaves her mentally damaged and her psyche split between two personalities, Tabitha Ford tries desperately to be "normal" for her husband and new born daughter; wanting only to protect them at all costs. But what if the very evil you needed to protect your loved ones from...was you...?  11 pages - pdf, format 8)

This was a creepy little tale, Lindell.  An enjoyable read.  I would probably appreciate it more if it was longer.  Build a little suspense, know wshat I mean?

You do have a couple of formatting problems, though.  When describing things in a screenplay, only describe things as they can recorded by a camera.  Seen and heard.  On page one, you introduce and describe Tabitha as been brain damaged.  That's just wrong.  The story does a good job at showing this, but you don't outright tell us thing.  You did this a couple of times in the script.  

You introduced Jason properly, giving us a good description of what he looks like and what he's doing.  The camera can record this.  If you put in the middle of the introduction that he was an accountant, you would have no way of showing it.

Back to what I said about the story.  It could be extended to build suspense.  Longer crazy mommy stories are always better than short ones.


Phil

Hey, Dogglebe, thanks a lot for reading it. Your insight is greatly appreciated, my friend. I will definitely use your suggestions in the future. The reason it was so short was because this was intended to be a short film for me to direct.
Again, many thanks for the wise words.

L.

Don't shortchange your script for the sake of making it easier to produce.


Phil

I really didn't. I simply wrote it the way I saw the story in my head. LOL!

Hey dllmoeg just like Phil said there are a few formatting problems so i won't go into that. To start of i think the story was really good it was also a bit scary to, for a short i found it a very  interesting read. I think if you turned this into a feature you could have a really good script on your hands (Not saying what you have done isn't good ;)) Also while i was reading the whole baby scene i found it a little false when Jason found the baby, I mean if my partner was mentally ill and unknowingly killed our child i would instantly call the mental institute straight away, but maybe thats me.

Overall a very good story just needs a little bit of editing.

Kacy

Hey, Kacy, thanks for taking the time to read it. I will definitely rework that jason/baby scene. Like I told Phil, it was originally an idea for me to direct. I didn't actually hinder the story, I don't really outline a script when I write; the way I write is I'll come up with a situation and let the story tell itself (yes, he's one of those screenwriters, LOL!). True there is a lot of back story for Damaged, that I will go back and add.
Again, I appreciate your feedback, Kacy.

L.